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ED: Thank Christ three sports I don't care about are finally winding down.

BB: Sweet sweet World Cup. Sexy sexy Vegas trip. I am rushing this one in.

PR: I'm the man you see, in the place to be
I went to John Jay University
and since kindergarten I acquired the knowledge
and after twelve grade I went straight to college

MLB
ED: DL LIST!!! Blue Jays UTL John McDonald (getting' his groin right), Phillies P Jon Lieber (getting' his groin right), Reds P Matt Belisle (back), Mets OF Xavier Nady (appendectomy), Red Sox P David Wells (knee), Nats P Joey Eischen (rotator cuff), A's 2B Mark Ellis (thumb), Cards OF Jim Edmonds (abdominal injury), Yankees OF Gary Sheffield (wrist), Dodgers MOUSTACHE!!! Jeff Kent (truck washing), O's OF Jay Gibbons (gettin' his groin right), Nats P Santiago Ramirez (elbow), Yankees P Darrell Rasner (shoulder), Cubs GUTLESS! Scott Williamson (elbow), Cards GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF PEOPLE PLAYING! Albert Pujols (oblique), White Sox GROUNDSKEEPER!!! Jeff Nelson (elbow)

PR: Did Rasner even pitch for the Yanks? Or are they just so confused by the injuries that they are calling up cripples instead of replacing them?

ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The Cubs ship out P Jae Kuk Ryu and call up P David Aardsma. The Blue Jays call up TOAST! Edgardo Alfonzo, activate P Gustavo Chacin from the DL and ship out P Brian Tallet. The Phillies activate C Mike Lieberthal from the DL and send down C Carlos Ruiz. The Pirates activate NICE! Sean Casey from the DL and ship out OF Mike Edwards. The Rangers call up P John Rheinecker and ship out P Wes Littleton. The Royals activate OF David DeJesus from the DL and ship out P Runelvys Hernandez. The Reds call up P Justin Germano and ship out P Brian Shackelford. The Mets call up TRADE BAIT!!! Lastings Milledge. The Marlins officially release ROIDER! Matt Lawton. The Marlins activate P Franklyn German from the DL, ship out P Renyel Pinto and call up PROSPECT!!! Taylor Tankersley. The Giants activate 1B Lance Niekro from the DL and ship out IF Travis Ishikawa. The Dodgers activate PVC!!! Eric Gagne from the DL (who then serves a two game suspension) and send down IF Oscar Robles. The Nats call up PROSPECT!!! Bill Bray. The Padres call up P Brian Sikorski and DFA P Jim Brower. The A's recall SEXY HOT PLUMPA!!! Jeremy Brown, activate P Rich Harden from the DL and ship out P Ron Flores. The Twins ship out P Scott Baker and call up P BOOF BONSER!!!!!!!!!! The Rangers call up P? John Wasdin and ship out P? C.J. Wilson. The Mariners release P Kevin Appier who then promptly retires. The D-Backs activate OLD Terry Mulholland from the DL and ship out P Enrique Gonzalez.

BB: Didn’t Kevin Appier retire like three years ago? Did no one notice and so he just tried to sneak back in?

ED: TRADES!!! The Angels trade P Esteban Yan to the Reds for P Kyle Edens. The Rangers trade 1B Phil Nevin to the Cubs for OF/2B Jerry Hairston, Jr. The Reds send P Ben Kozlowski to the Dodgers to complete the Cody Ross trade.

BB: God knows the world was waiting with baited breath to see that Cody Ross trade completed. Now we can all move on with our lives.

PR: The Cubs do know that Phil Nevin is white?

ED: The Astros sign P Roger Clemens for the rest of the year. The K's there are silent - and invisible.

BB: Aw no we can’t. WILL HIS SON CATCH HIS REHAB ASSIGNMENT START?!?!? CAN WE START FILMING CLEMENS ON CLEMENS YET?!??!? I really hope Bellhorn doesn’t bother to use create-a-player to make Clemens in his season.

ED: The Royals FINALLY fire GM Allard Baird and hire former-Braves assistant GM Dayton Moore. The most unsurprising thing about this is up to you - whether it is Baird finally getting the axe, or SCOUTS! becoming the new hotness in KC. You decide.

PR: I am assuming they had security stay with Baird the entire time after he got the news. No, not to keep him from stealing a Swingline but from making a frantic deal to reacquire Jose Lima again.

ED: The Minor League Umpire Union finally agrees to a new labor deal. Assumedly getting a flak jacket clause written into the agreement.

BB: That’s gonna be a mighty big flak jacket. Especially when you start making slots for hamburgers.

ED: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays announce they will again be named the Devil Rays for the 2007 season. Of course, they will still play like the Devil Rays in 2007 too.

ED: Devil Rays PROSPECT! Josh Hamilton is cleared to participate in extended spring training with the team. Well, if he can get from the methadone clinic in time.

BB: I wonder if Josh Hamilton will try and get the devil out for 2007. Probably not, huh.

ED: Indians P Scott CY!!!! Sauerbeck is arrested for fleeing the police after being pulled over while riding with in a car with a drunken woman who was not his wife. Sauerbeck pleads not guilty to the cop fleeing charges. No idea what the plea was to his wife.

PR: CAN YOU PLEASE MOVE OUT OF OHIO??? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE??? WITH SUGAR ON TOP????

BB: On another LOOGY note, I’d like to congratulate Jesse Orosco on the birth of his child.

ED: Doc Gooden gives a behind the bars interview stating that he'd “rather get shot than come back here.” Amazingly, Zack Grienke gave the same exact interview in spring training with the Royals this year too.

ED: Giants minor league C Yamid Haad is suspended 50 games for 'roiding. Man, who knew anyone in the Giants organization would juice?

BB: Of course there is a big haad joke to be made here but I won’t make it.

ED: Son of Astros coach Jose Cruz, Sr. and brother of Dodgers OF Jose Luis Cruz, Jose Javier Cruz is missing. Yes. Jose Cruz, Sr. named two of his sons Jose. Apparently, Jose Sr. thinks he is George Foreman or something. I assume the Jose Cruz Grill was a failure only because it could only cook at the Mendoza line or something.

BB: What, was Kose not a good enough idea?

PR: Will Jose Jr. Jr. be as disappointing a ball player as Jose Jr.?

ED: The Angels extend the contract of SUNK COST!! Kelvim Escobar through 2009. Aww, Bill Stoneman is trying to get that Yankee GM gig when Brian Cashman goes down with injury.

BB: You mean the typhoid?

ED: Special Assistant to the General Manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, Keith Law, resigns to take a gig with ESPN.com. Bah! ESPN.com is sooooooo 1999. Fox Sports is where it's at, stat nerd.

BB: “Stat nerd” is not the terminology used by Bill Barnwell or any affiliate…oh shut up me.

PR: Bill Barnwell is definitely the stereotypical white guy who will use big words just to sound intelligent, yet will drop countless current event references and will spell out three letter words (ie M! I! C! instead of mic) in a desperate attempt to big hip. Basically – I am saying Bill Barnwell is Jason Mraz.

ED: FORMER MVP!!! Juan Gonzalez signs with Long Island Ducks of the independent Atlantic League. Phil knows it is only a matter of time until the Yankees sign him too.

PR: Gonzalez will cripple himself before he completes the trip down the L.I.E. Though, I can’t remember if it is HOV-2 or HOV-3 in NY. If it’s 2, then he and the fork will be fine.

ED: Barry Bonds. Steroids. Perjury. E-T-C.

PR: Oh no, Marion Jones was back in the states this week. I guess she was brought in so Pedro Gomez could take a few days off.

NBA
ED: Knicks G Stephon Marbury tells the New York Post that he wants to “die a Knick" and that “If I ever was to be cremated, I'd want my ashes sprinkled on top of the Garden." Don't think Larry Brown has not thought of that.

BB: Ironically he will die not wanting to be a Knick anymore.

PR: When they cremate Marbury, will they make sure to include a max contract in with it? Maybe the remains of the CBA too.

ED: A Phoenix Suns fan accuses the wife of Mavericks head coach Avery Johnson of assaulting her during Game 4 of the Suns-Mavericks playoff series. Mav's C D.J. Mbenga is suspended 6 games for going into the stands with Mavs owner Mark Cuban in the incident. Oh yeah, I am certain a raging Mark Cuban restored order there.

BB: The Mark Cuban victory celebration was amazing. I AM BEING DROWNED IN CHAMPAGNE!! I SHOWED YOU CHARLES BARKLEY!!! I am waiting for him to taunt Barkley if the Mavericks win and then having Barkley steal his ring like a bully.

PR: But did Cuban celebrate BY DOING THE ROBOT?!?!?!?! NO!!!!! TEASE~!

ED: The Trailblazers decide not to renew the contract of GM John Nash and he is replaced with interim GM/President Steve Patterson for the upcoming NBA draft. Did Steve Peterson used to write for High Times too?

ED: Rockets F Juwan Howard arrested for shoplifting after snagging a pair of sun glasses from a Miami store. Oh yeah, a trade to Portland is soooooo now in the works.

PR: Obviously, they didn’t teach Juwan anything about technology at Michigan. Nor did they suggest to him that maybe he wanted to grow out his hair to hid his ears.

ED: Former Bull Jason “Knievel” Williams is attempting a comeback with the Toronto Raptors. Or a jump over a bunch of school buses. Whichever.

ED: THE NBA FINALS!!! are set with Miami taking on Dallas. Yep, that will draw as many people as a Pearl Jam concert, I am sure. NHL

ED: The Phoenix Coyotes extend the contract of head coach Wayne Gretzky for another 5 years. Or was that over/under 5 years? I got confused.

BB: Let me go ask Roonaldo.

PR: I am still trying to decide if the extra O is a typo or a joke I don’t understand. The answer could easily be both.

ED: The NHL STANLEY CUP FINALS! are set with Edmonton facing Carolina. Yep, nothing says hockey like Carolina v. Edmonton.

BB: Well, they got it half right.

AFL
ED: The Arena Bowl is set with Chicago facing Orlando. And they will have to listen to SmashMouth AND Third Eye Blind? Christ. You're better off competing for the XFL championship, instead.

PR: You would think NBC would be upset that it isn’t Philly vs. Colorado but I am wagering NBC is more concerned about trying to get people to remember where there channel is located.

NFL
BB: No more…writing…about…football…

ED: Former Patriot Tony Sardisco dead at 73. Aww, yet more of Tom Brady's VETERAN PRESENCE!!! gone! Former Cowboys RB Coach Joe Brodsky dead at 71.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! Jets WR Wayne Chrebet officially retires. The Lions sign OT Ross Verba and release QB Shaun King. The Colts sign KR Terrence Wilkins. The Colts sign QB Shaun King.

PR: The Ross Verba signing is easily the grandest thing of the offseason. deadspin.com recapped this far better than we could have. Sweet sweet Matt Millen.

ED: Hey! More Injury News! Texans KR Jerome Mathis is out until October with a stress fracture in his foot.

PR: Clearly this is why they should have drafted Reggie Bush.

ED: An arbitrator rules that the Titans must allow QB Steve McNair to work out with the team as long as he is under a contract with the the team. The Titans would invite McNair to tear up said contract except the likelihood of McNair getting hurt in the process is too high ergo the Titans would be unable to unload his corpse on the Ravens.

PR: STEVE MCNAIR CAN PLAY THROUGH PAPER CUTS!!! HE IS A GAMER!!! TRUE NFLER!!! ONLY BRETT FAVRE IS GREATER!!! AND THAT’S BECAUSE HE IS WHITE!!! err.. GRITTIER!!!! err... HAS MORE RINGS!!!!

ED: The Vikings hire Rick Spielman as VP of Player Development. Right. Yedah. I am certain the first part of any kind of interview for this position would be to see if one could make any sort of decision within a 15 minute interval.

PR: Actually I am sure it would be “Do you know anyone who works at a sex type shop?” and you could say yes and then you would be good to go.

ED: The Panthers name RB Coach Jim Skipper as assistant head coach. Oh yeah, you know it was the XFL experience that won them over.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Steelers first round pick Santonio Holmes arrested for drunk and disorderly. Redskins S Sean Taylor reaches a plea bargain deal on the whole gun waving incident and gets 18 months of probation and community service. Broncos QB? Jake Plummer pleads not guilty to road rage charges. Bengals WR Chris Henry busted for speeding and DUI.

PR: We really need to do some sort of crime beat pool. Of course, I would just draft the Portland Trail Blazers.

NCAA
ED: THE COLLEGE WORLD SERIES BEGINS!!! Making Notre Dame oh so very bitter. People don't hate the North, Notre Dame. They just hate you.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! West Virginia men's basketball coach John Beilein arrested for disorderly conduct. Kansas State basketball player Cartier Martin is suspended indefinitely for conduct violations and teammate Mario Taybron is kicked off the team for substance abuse. Former Florida State football players A.J. Nicholson and Fred Rouse are charged with stealing $1,700 worth of electronic equipment from current Florida State player Lorenzo Booker. Oklahoma football player Rhett Bomar pleads guilty to underage alcohol possession charges.

ED: The NCAA officially approves instant replay in all Division I-A football games beginning this season. Ooo. Nice. Yet one more reason for me not to watch college football.

PR: Aww... what is OSU going to now that they have one less excuse for losing games. Oh right – the refs.

ED: The mother of that little dying kid who called a play for Notre Dame dies eight months after her son. So much for Charlie Weis: Miracle Worker.

PR: Ed was sad that I pointed out that this happened awhile ago. But clearly did not stop him from making a joke. Poor poor not Anne Sullivan.

ED: Ohio U head football coach Frank Solich is fighting his DUI charges with the excuse that someone slipped him some GHB. So wait…why was he at a football party posing as a woman?

PR: That would be one ugly ugly woman. Of course, this is Ohio we are talking about.

ED: An Indiana Court of Appeals rules that Indiana University did nothing wrong in the firing of former Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight. Feh. Like anyone needs to tell you that firing Bobby Knight can never be wrong.

ED: Duke LAX mess. Will. Never. End. Never. Ever.

SOCCER
BB: PETER CROUCH DOES THE ROBOT. LINK THEM PHIL. THAT IS OUR ENTIRE SOCCER SECTION THIS WEEK. HOORAY PETER CROUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PR: No finer search have I ever performed. http://www.youtube.com/results?search=Peter+Crouch+Robot&search_type=search_videos.

CFL
ED: Joe Theismann blasts Ricky Williams calling 4:20 RB a “disgrace to the game” and stating that Broken Leg QB is “embarrassed right now to be a Toronto Argonaut." Well, if there's anyone who knows embarrassment well, it is Joe Theismann.

PR: Aww... Theismann and Angelo Mosca gave have the old bitter man autograph session together.

PR: Oh and Williams plays in his first exhibition game. I will save my rant on the idiocy of ESPN and how they clearly think the CFL is a rec league for a later time when I am not trying to get this done on a Sunday.

ED: CFL Commissioner Tom Wright reveals plans to close the loophole that allows NFL drug offenders to play in the CFL. Romo turns his sights to the burgeoning Mexican Football League now.

PR: Yup – letting druggies play was clearly a loophole. And obviously because of the free health care. CURSE YOU CANADIA!!! CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEDUCTIVE WAYS!!!

OTHER
ED: The French Open is still going on. Which explains why Rob Dibble has made Bill wear a beret and act snooty for the past week.

PR: Maria Sharapova eliminated. Poor poor chokers. Martina Hingis. Still alive.... aww... I thought that was going to be funny until I realized that I just confused Martina Hingis with Monica Seles.

ED: Kyle Busch is fined $50K and docked 25 Nextel Cup point for throwing a safety device at Casey Mears after the two collided in last week's Coca-Cola 600.

ED: Matt Kenseth wins the Neighborhood Excellence 400. Oh yeah, that pic of Kenseth the sports sites are posting - now THAT'S real NASCAR.

ED: Lance Armstrong is cleared of all blood doping allegations. Whee. Now go away. Forever.

PR: You wanted to wish cancer upon him but you realized that God already tried that.