The Week That Was 6/5/06 - 6/11/06

ED: Man, I don't even want to know what Bill had to do for Joe Buck for Fox Sports to get him a trip to Vegas.

SOCCER

PR: World Cup starts. Sports columnists trip all over themselves to churn out the “SOOCCER IS UNAMERICAN” column. Of course, they tripped due to slipping on the grease dripping from their meaty fingers. Several can’t get back up after tripping.

PR: God – Togo is my new favorite country. Head coach Otto Pfister is now ex-coach after walking out over a pay dispute. Kodjovi Mawuena is the interim head coach... which is now the FOUR time he has taken over after a coach walked out. Oh and Togo is openly courting Winfried Schaefer to come in now and taken over. “Pay no attention to that man on the sidelines. The job is all yours.”

PR: Roy Keane retires due to injury. Yes, all of this is Mick McCarthy’s fault.

PR: Oh yeah... Portsmouth made a £12 million offer for Jermain Defoe. Aww... my CM would freak out if I tried that.

PR: Alexi Lalas fires Steve Sampson as head coach of the LA Galaxy. That sort of bitterness is so cute.

MLB

ED: Former umpire Eric Gregg dead at 55. So if they miss putting him in his grave by like 14 feet, would he still consider that a strike?

PR: Ooof... Ed’s bringing the A game this week. I shouldn’t even bother.

ED: D-Backs P Jason Grimsley is busted by the feds with HGH and rats out the entire league to federal investigators, stating that use of performance enhancers and amphetamines is wide-spread. Grimsley then asks for and is granted his release from the team. Which means his next occupation will be either to join Rafael Palmeiro in some sort of double-secret squealer clique. Or else he will hang around Albert Belle looking to retrieve spent needles from locked rooms.

PR: Arizona announces it won’t pay the remainder of Grimsley’s contract. I wonder which upset Mrs. Grimsley more – the fact that her husband will actually be home now or that she won’t see any money for tolerating him.

ED: Brewers announcer Bob Uecker files a restraining order against a woman he accuses of harassing him for years. Man, that's one horked off insomniac who accidentally caught Mr. Belvedere at 3 AM.

PR: God, of all the people on that cast why would you stalk Uecker? Okay, I mean you can’t stalk Christopher Hewitt anymore since... well.. his movements are confined to one place now. But I mean Tracy Wells was right there.

ED: The MLB draft goes down. The Royals are screwed even more than usual. Phil and I weep for our misspent youth when Drabekicito and El Hijo de Mattingly are drafted.

PR: Poor poor newspapers who wasted all that time covering Erick Almonte and Jeffrey Maier.

ED: DL LIST!!! Pirates C/1B Ryan Doumit (hammy), Astros P Roy Oswalt (back), Cards OF Larry Bigbie (hernia), D-Backs P Terry Mulholland (old), D-Backs P Juan Cruz (shoulder), White Sox P Cliff Politte (shoulder), A's P Rich Harden (elbow), Twins P Matt Guerrier (thumb), Red 3B Edwin Encarnacion (ankle), Cubs P Kerry Wood (shoulder). Phillies C Mike Lieberthal (hip), Blue Jays P Gustavo Chacin (elbow), Brewers P Jorge De La Rosa (blister)

ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The A's send down SEXY HOT PLUMPA! Jeremy Brown and P Matt Roney and activate P's Jay Witasick and Esteban Loaiza and OF Milton Bradley from the DL. The O's activate P Daniel Cabrera from the DL and DFA C Raul Chavez. The Royals send down P? Seth Etherton and call up P Leo Nunez. The Cards activate P Chris Carpenter from the DL. The Giants activate OF Moises Alou from the DL. The Red Sox call up PROVEN COLLEGE CLOSER!!! Craig Hansen and ship out P Jermaine Van Buren, call up P Jon Lester and then ship back down PROVEN COLLEGE CLOSER!!! Craig Hansen. The D-Backs activate SUCK! Russ Ortiz and from the DL, call up P Greg Aquino and ship out P Dustin Nippert. The Phillies activate PROSPECT!!! Cole Hamels from the DL and ship out P Brian Sanches. The D-Rays activate 2B Jorge Cantu, OF Rocco Baldelli and P Casey Fossum from the DL and ship out P's Chad Orvella and Doug Waechter and OF Joey Gathright. The Twins call up P Kyle Lohse. The Indians DFA P Scott Sauerbeck and call up P Rafael Perez. The Rangers call up P Bryan Corey and DFA FINGERS!!! Antonio Alfonseca. The Royals claim P Todd Wellemeyer off of waivers from the Marlins. The Nats activate OF Jose Guillen off the DL. The Yankees activate P Shawn Chacon off the DL and DFA Mr. Lisa Guerrero.

PR: I remember when everyone supposedly was going to trade for Joey Gathright before the season started. And the Royals signing Donovan Osborne really made Ed and I giggle.

ED: TRADES!!! The Mets trade 2B? Kaz Matsui and cash to the Rockies for LATINO!!! Eli Marrero. The Royals pick up P? Brandon Duckworth from the Pirates for cash.

PR: Any trade that has the Royals sending out money is amazing to me.

ED: A seagull is hit with a pitch in a Buffalo Bisons and the Durham Bulls AAA game. The bird then is carried off the field by a player and flies away. Statheads clamor that the seagull should get a shot with a big league club given its OBP. Aww, c'mon! He has a better OBP than Jack Cust AND can get up after he falls. PROSPECT!!!

PR: That is so always going to be one of the Top 5 things I was happy to see live. (Cust falling down. Not the bird getting hit. I once threw a rock at a rabbit and felt guilty about it for a week. So I get no joy there.)

ED: The Royals revoke the credentials of two "radio reporters" (if there is such a thing) after they didn't throw out softball questions at a press conference intriducing new Royals GM Dayton Moore. Obviously, this is the work of SCOUTS!!!

PR: Rob, and perhaps Rany, approve.

ED: The Nats hire Davey Johnson as a special consultant to the GM. Oh, there will be some Shotzie hair rubbing stories told in the Nats from office meetings, I am sure.

ED: The O's give the heave-ho to first base coach Dave Cash. Likely, this is just to keep Phil from arguing that he was the best former-player on the O's coaching staff.

PR: TEASE~!

PR: Moe Drabowsky dead at age 70. Up until the moment he died, Drabowsky would have been a better option for the Os than pretty much what they were using.

NBA

ED: Assorted stuff that I don't care about: The Nets pick up the option of head coach Lawrence Frank for the 2007-2008 season. The Jazz trade F Kris Humphries and C Robert Whaley to the Raptors for Rafael Araujo and cash.

ED: Paul Allen and the rest of Portland's ownership announce the Trail Blazers will be sold with the arena they stink in. No word on if the highway the Trail Blazer players are bound to keep clean by community service will be part of the deal as well.

ED: Speaking of the Jailblazers - F Zach Randolph is busted for speedracing, pot and gun possession charges. Or, as they like to call those special events in Portland - Tuesday.

ED: THE NBA FINALS!!! are going on!!! YES!!! RAWK!!! Man, this is as good as like one of those Pearl Jam albums that isn't Ten whose names I can't recall because they all sound the same! WHEE!!! Which is the one that has "Arms Wide Open" on it?

PR: It’s a good 10 minutes after I read this and I am still giggling uncontrolably.

NHL

ED: THE NHL STANLEY CUP FINALS! are going on. Or they might be over by now. Who can be sure?

PR: Only the Youth of Canadia know for sure.

ED: The New York Islanders name Neil Smith as their new GM and Ted Nolan as their new head coach. Yeah, well...yeah.

PR: Neil Smith clearly just didn’t want to move.

AFL

ED: Chicago tops Orlando to become YOUR ARENA BOWL CHAMPIONS!!! Hey! Did you know Mike Ditka is part-owner of Chicago? He is. Honest. No. Really. He is. I know NBC kept that a secret and all, but it's true. And I wonder if ol' Iron Mike used some of his 18 hour erection pills in Vegas over Arena Bowl weekend just so some unsuspecting show girl could see his Monster O' The Midway face. Please let this be so.

CFL

ED: Toronto head coach Don Matthews is fined $5K Canadian for stating that the CFL looks “second rate” for letting Ricky Williams come to the league. Now, I love me some CFL, but the reason people would look on the league as second rate MIGHT - POSSIBLY - MAYBE be because of the league has only like 6 teams. Call me crazy.

NFL

ED: Former Giants DE Robert Taylor dead at 68.

PR: No, I am not THAT old to care about this.

ED: The Texans hire former Broncos assistant GM Rick Smith as their new GM. Mmm, GENIUSOSITY!!!

ED: The Tennessee Titans change the name of their stadium to LP Field. God, that is so the perfect name for a baseball stadium for the Cubs or something.

PR: You know – they could maximize capacity if they went to SLP Field.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! The Pats trade WR Bethel Johnson to New Orleans for DT Johnathan Sullivan. Giants WR Jamaar Taylor retires. The Saints trade LB Courtney Watson to Buffalo for TE Tim Euhus. The Titans trade QB Steve McNair to Baltimore for probably a fourth-round 2007 draft pick. The Rams sign DT Jason Fisk. The Vikings sign DT Russ Kolodiezj. The Giants sign TE Boo Williams and waive TE Matt Kranchick. The Bills cut G Bennie Anderson.

PR: WHAT???? THE GIANTS SIGNED BOO WILLIAMS?!?!?!?!?!!? HOW MANY TIGHT ENDS DO THEY NEED????

ED: INJURY LIST!!! Broncos TE Landon Trusty is out for the season with an ACL.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Bears, Bucs and Pats RB Rabih Abdullah is busted for DUI and possession of pot.

NCAA

ED: Former BYU football player Brad Martin dead at 30. Former St. John's basketball player Ken McIntyre dead at 63.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Tennessee QB Jim Bob Cooter is suspended by the team after getting busted for DUI - probably in a Beverly Hillbillies-style truck…I hope. Please let that be so. Alabama football player Chris Keys is kicked off the team for violating team rules. USC QB Mark Sanchez has the sexual assault charges against him dropped. USC basketball player Gabe Pruitt is declared academically ineligible.

OTHER

ED: Your French Open winners are Rafael Nadal for the men's title and Justine Henin-Hardenne for the women's title. And now I can ignore tennis again. Everyone's a winner here.

PR: CLAY COURT SPECIALIST!!!! or something.

ED: Jazil wins the Belmont Stakes. Dick Cheney scowls when he learns that he won't get a chance at shooting a horse.

ED: Denny Hamlin wins the Pocono 500. Oh yeah. You know I read that as Bob Hamelin the first 30 times and never did that seem wrong, really.