The Week That
Was
ED: I never leave home without wearing a
helmet. But that's just me.
BB: I have never
left home. And if I were Ed I’d never go to the library. That’s it.
SOCCER
BB: Let’s see.
World Cup happened. If you think you are getting an Ed-style recap of every
single match you are mistaken. If you think there are about 100 stories I’d
talk about in here you are right. If you think I am covering any of them you
are wrong. The
PR: He didn’t
show up his first two trips through
BB: Oh and DaMarcus Beasley thinks Bruce Arena is tactically naïve. On
the other hand Peter King (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/peter_king/06/19/mmqb/index.html)
thinks Bruce Arena is a “dork”. A DORK.
PR: Not just a
dork but an uncommunicative dork. I enjoy that so much because you totally know
that King wanted to write a column about the World Cup so he could be hip and
relevant (mind you – I figured it to be SOCCER IS PLAY BY THE DEVIL AND
TERRORISTS!!!! Column) and he decided to name drop Bruce Arena. He then sent
Bruce an email to get a Starbucks but Bruce never returned the email since… ya know… he actually has a World Cup to worry about. Poor poor neglected Peter King.
MLB
ED: Former Negro
League player Charles Johnson (No. Not that one. Though, really, the last time
I saw the other Charles Johnson, he was moving like he was near-death) dead at
96.
ED: DL LIST!!! Red Sox FORGOTTEN PVC!!! Keith Foulke
(elbow), Giants 1B Lance Niekro (getting' his groin
right), Dodgers CANADIAN PVC!!! Eric Gagne (elbow), O's OF Jay Gibbons (knee),
Cardinals OF PROSPECT!!! Rick Ankiel (out for the
season with a bum knee), Braves P Chris Reitsma
(elbow), Marlins OF Josh Willingham (hand), A's DH Frank Thomas (quads),
Indians OF Casey Blake (oblique), Red Sox P Matt Clement (shoulder), Rangers P
John Wasdin (thumb), Braves P John Thomson (blister),
Reds BIBLE THUMPER! Brandon Claussen (shoulder), Mets
OF Cliff Floyd (ankle), Cubs P Glendon Rusch (back)
BB: I wonder if
John Wasdin will have trouble waving them back with
an injured thumb. The only quads Frank Thomas thought he had left may have been
In-n-Out related.
PR: Why do I
feel like we have covered the Rick Ankiel injury for
like 42 straight weeks. And maybe Lance Niekro should go back to throwing the knuckleball.
ED: ROSTER
MOVES!!! The Blue Jays activate SS/2B John McDonald from the DL, call up SS/2B
Russ Adams from the minors, ship out SS/2B Luis Figueroa to the minors and
release TOAST! Edgardo Alfonzo. The Red Sox ship out
P David Pauley and activate P Mike Timlin from the DL
and call up P Jermaine Van Buren. The O's activate OF
Jay Gibbons from the DL (for like a day) and ship out OF Ed Rogers. The Angels
activate OF Darin Erstad from the DL and ship out OF
Tommy Murphy. The Mets activate P John Maine from the DL and ship him out. The
BB: That Russ
Ortiz contract only has $22 million left by the way. “"This was a pitcher
who our evaluators felt we needed to have," [Jeff] Moorad
said. "We competed for him in the marketplace and
paid what we felt was reflective of his market value." When I run on a
treadmill I don’t delude myself into thinking I am in a race with myself. No. I
just try and keep up. 2 miles an hour is fast. Bartolo
Colon is also way too slow to play tackle. At best he is a guard. I would know, I’m an expert.
ED: TRADES!!!
The Reds send P Jeff Stevens to the Indians to complete the Brandon Phillips
trade. The Red Sox trade P David Riske to the White Sox for P Javier Lopez. The
Twins trade OUT! Juan Castro to the Reds for OF Brandon
Roberts.
BB: You mean
LOOGY!!! Javier Lopez, who the
PR: Okay – its really wrong that from now on I am going to remember the
difference between Port and Starboard by thinking about LOOGIES. My son is
going to have a very messed up childhood.
ED: All Things 'Roids (Not Barry Bonds) - Padres minor league P John Ellis
is suspended 50 games for 'roiding. MLB Commissioner
Bud Selig issues an open letter to the fans stating
he will do his darnedest to rid the sport of performance enhancers.
Diamondbacks OF Luis Gonzalez vehemently denies that he has ever used steroids
or performance enhancers of any sort - even if the owner of his club
inadvertently tried to throw him under the bus on such allegations.
BB: Somehow Matt
Williams has to be involved with all the accusing going on. I BLAME MICHELLE
JOHNSON!
ED: And yes. More
Roid/HGH stuff - Former D-Backs P Jason Grimsley is suspended 50 games in the wake of his whole HGH
dealie. Of course, Grimsley
effectively retired but hey, let's not allow reality to interfere with
grandstanding.
BB: WE’LL SHOW
YOU FOR WANTING TO RETURN!! Someone should sign him just to spite baseball. Of
course baseball should eat itself.
ED: Oh, even more Roid/HGH
stuff - former big leaguer David Segui confesses that
he's one of the players Grimsley finked to the feds
about and admits to using human growth hormone but - BUT he used it legally
because of a growth hormone deficiency.
He also had a being able to play and play well deficiency that doctors
could not give him a prescription for, assumedly.
BB: Maybe he
thought HGH stood for He Got Healthy or something. Don’t ask me why I think
that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever written for this site. Yes I’m drunk. Yes
it’s about
PR: Aww… I was going to make some sort of Orioles still paying
for Segui joke but I don’t want to steal Bill’s thunder.
ED: Yankees P
Randy Johnson is suspended 5 games and Yankees Manager Joe Torre 1 for
Johnson's hitting Indians 1B Eduardo Perez with a pitch. Hitting Eduardo Perez
is worth 5 games? Wow.
BB: It’s ok, you don’t get anything special for hitting Oliver Perez
in the NL. Except the satisfaction of ruining my fantasy
team. STRIKE PEOPLE OUT FATTY.
PR: Yeah – this
is totally when the Yanks will trade for Oliver Perez and I will be giddy and
he will suck. It’s going to be like the Giants signing Herman Moore all over
again.
ED: Pirates OF
Chris Duffy ends his operation shutdown and accepts his assignment to the
minors. Curt Schilling chuckles.
BB: Did you know
someone from Northeastern got drafted in the first round? Again?
Apparently Carlos Pena wasn’t a sign enough this wasn’t a good idea.
PR: I can’t
imagine there is a huge culture shock between Northeastern and
ED: The Cubs are
to be the first team to go with wireless phones to call the bullpen from the
dugout. Well, let's see, the Cubs are in the 21st century with that, the 17th
century with everything else. I guess that evens out.
BB: Now I have
this vision of Mark Prior and Kerry Wood working as blacksmiths during their
injury rehab and Dusty Baker slagging them the entire
time and I am happy and warm.
PR: See now, I
picture Prior and Wood working at a Renaissance Fair and Dusty Baker being
pissed because he wouldn’t be admitted because it that wouldn’t be historically
accurate.
ED: The Royals
hire Reds assistant GM and former Brewers GM Dean Taylor as their assistant to
GM Dayton Moore. Oooo, SCOUTASTIC!!!
BB: Isn’t that a
G-Unit song? Wait – who’s G-Unit?
PR: Do one of
them have a dead arm?
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Tigers OF/DH Dmitri Young has a warrant for his arrest issued after he
fails to show in court on domestic violence charges. A's P Esteban Loaiza is busted for DUI and reckless driving. D-Rays
PROSPECT!!! B.J. Upton is busted for DUI.
BB: Josh
Hamilton and Jeff Allison strangely not guilty this week. Good job fellas.
ED: Gary Carter
and Ferguson Jenkins will manage the All Star Futures Game. Ooo,
Jesus v. Canadia in a duel to the death!
BB: Wow – I
can’t even figure out which one hates
PR: I can tell
you that Gary Carter hates my sister more than Fergie
does.
ED: Coaching
stuff to make Phil and I cry - the Nats can Bullpen
coach John Wetteland because he liked to goof around
in the bullpen; the Padres fire Hitting Coach Dave Magadan
because…he's not Jesus?
BB: Maybe they
can hire Sean Burroughs dad or something. Since he’s so much
better. Oh yeah – firing proto-Youk is not
going to get me in a good mood.
PR: Why don’t
you console yourself by writing the Magadan FPOTM?
Hint. Hint.
NBA
ED: THE NBA
FINALS!!! are still going on. Just wait for the Stone Gossard
solo.
PR: So… very…
close… to… being… over.
ED: Mavs G/F Jerry Stackhouse suspended for Game 5 for a hard
foul on
ED: Michael
Jordan becomes part owner of the Charlotte Bobcats. Ooo,
I hope this goes as well as the MJ GM gig.
BB: Apparently
this is basically the MJ GM gig part II since he has control of basketball
operations. Mmm…you know he is going to try and draft
the guy from
PR: Aww… Jeff Bagwell does not approve.
NHL
ED: The New
Jersey Devils hire Claude Julien as their new head
coach. Christ, why even try to write a joke here?
ED: The NHL
BB: Wait – are
you implying people aren’t committing suicide because hockey is on? Or they
are? I don’t get it yet.
CFL
ED: CFL NEWZ!!!
The league votes to approve instant replay for the season. Onterrio
Smith gets cut. The
WEEK ONE!!!
ED: Robert Edwards
runs wild as
PR: Aww… healthy for a full game. Yay!
ED: Dave
Dickenson throws for 5 TD's as BC whips
ED: Yes. Ricky Williams runs all over
PR: I enjoyed
the
ED: Henry Burris
wins the shoot-out with Ricky Ray as
PR: Hey – the
Bears were at fault for Burris. You can’t blame everything on the Jets. I mean
it’s easy and all.
NFL
ED: Steelers QB
Ben Roethlisberger attemps
jumping
BB: Awww – I am not allowed to comment or I will get in
trouble. BUY THE BOOK!!!
ED: PLAYA
MOVEMENT! The Chiefs sign T(E) Kyle Turley and DT
James Reed. Titans T Brad Hopkins retires. Chiefs T John Wellbourn
retires.
BB: Retires OR
jumps before he gets pushed with a year suspension. Oops.
ED: Giants WR Plaxico Burress and QB Eli
Manning maybe-possibly-could be not getting along. Or
this is merely the
PR: Well Kaz Matsui did get traded? I mean they gotta
fill space somehow.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Colts LB Cato June is arrested for failing to appear in court for driving
with a suspended license charge. Bengals WR Chris
Henry is arrested AGAIN - this time for providing booze to underage girls. The
reckless driving charges against Titans DT Albert Haynesworth
have been thrown out of court.
PR: Chris Henry
is truly a model
NCAA
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Former Duke basketball player JJ Reddick is busted for DUI.
ED: An
OTHER
ED: The WNBA
All-Decade Team is announced. Bill's still working on the write up for FOX
SPORTS! when not gofering
for Rob Dibble.
BB: He likes it
when I call him Dibizzle.
ED: Geoff Ogilvy
wins the US Open golf dealie. Not so much wins but has it handed to him,
but there ya go.
BB: HE CHOKED!!!
AGAIN!!! NOT CLUTCH!!!!!!!!! Jesus. The great thing were
the articles the next day that said things like, “Jack Nicklaus says he
wouldn’t have played those shots the same way”. So – you mean – Nicklaus
WOULDN’T have double-bogeyed the final hole to lose the tournament? Good to
know. God I don’t even like golf and it gets me angry.
PR: Hehehehe – of course my favorite thing about the whole
tournament is David Duval making the cut. Of course – it would be at an event
that no one shot under par. Baby steps David. Baby steps.
ED: Kasey Kahne wins a rain-shortened 3M Performance 400. Because, yes, it's
impossible to drive in the rain.
Apparently, those NASCAR guys are like the blue hairs I get stuck behind
in a storm.