The Week That Was
(6/19/06 - 6/25/06)
ED:  C'mon, there are lots of better words to use for Mariotti.

BB: Not looking forward to next week’s WTW. No sir. Be brave $20.

PR: Aww… and if Bill only retold his WSOP qualifier stories.

SOCCER
BB: Teams the US is not as good as: Poland, Paraguay, Ivory Coast, Angola, Iran, the Czech Republic (duh), Croatia, South Korea, and Tunisia. We are equally as good as Trinidad and Tobago. CONCACAF NEEDS MORE SPOTS!!!!

PR: Well, it is all MLS’ fault. I mean Bruce Arena could do no wrong. Of course, I was so waiting for Eric Wynalda to blame it on Brian McBride having too many international goals.

PR: A big batch of people played their last international matches. A big batch of people got yellows and reds. A big batch of people laughed and laughed and laughed at Graham Poll. One batch of persons had they leg kinda implode… poor poor Michael Owen.

PR: Craig Bellamy joins Liverpool. Peter Crouch is sad… and tall… and freakish looking.

PR: Hey – Leicester signed Andy Johnson and Josh Low. I don’t think Bill approves.

MLB
ED: DL LIST!!! Braves Safety Brian Jordan (clavicle), Padres SAVIOR! Dave Roberts (knee), A's OF Milton Bradley (shoulder), D-Rays P Rudy Lugo (back), Nats P Tony Armas Jr (forearm), Angels GRIT! Darin Erstad (ankle), Indians OF Jason Michaels (ankle), Angels PROSPECT! Dallas McPherson (back).

BB: Brett Myers’ wife (face). Oh wait…
 
ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The Rangers officially release 6 FINGERS!!! Antonio Alfonseca. The D-Backs call up OF Scott Hairston and ship out P? Kevin Jarvis. The A's sign P Scott Sauerbeck and have P Steve Karsay retire. The Twins officially release 3B Tony Batista. The Reds call up P Jason Standridge and DFA P Rick White. The Phillies claim P Rick White off of waivers from the Reds.  The Nats activate P John Patterson from the DL.  The Red Sox activate P Kyle Snyder and DFA GLOVE! JT Snow. The Brewers activate P Rick Helling from the DL. The Indians DFA P Jason Johnson. The D-Rays ship out P Seth McClung and call up P Edwin Jackson. The D-Backs officially waive P's? Russ Ortiz and Terry Mullholland. The Astros activate P Roger Clemens and ship out P Chris Sampson. The Blue Jays activate P AJ Burnett from the DL.  The Cards activate OLD MAN! Albert Pujols from the DL.  The Orioles sign P? Russ Ortiz (hehehehe).

BB: The Rangers clearly have something against us – all we want are enough hits to get Google ads, jerks. And it’s bad when you’re a defensive replacement and the guy you’re replacing is not only an offensive machine, but is better than you defensively. Of course, it’s hard being Youk. ON THE DL IS A BUNCH OF BALONEY! STAY STRONG MY PASTY BROTHER!

PR: Oh man. I didn’t even get a chance to sign Kevin Jarvis to my fantasy team in my annual “HEY! He sucks but maybe I can get 5 Ks out of him” move.

ED: TRADES!!! The D-Rays trade FAST! Joey Gathright and IF Fernando Cortez to the Royals for P JP Howell. The Indians trade P Jason Johnson to the Red Sox for the ol' PTBNL or cash.

BB: Mmm…retread starters. The most exciting part of the 2006 Red Sox season.

PR: Aww… and then a brain aneurysm happened.

ED: All Things 'Roids - The Giants coaching staff has been interviewed by the “independent” investigation on steroids RE: Barry Bonds.

BB: Wait – wait – are you implying the investigation on steroids SOLD OUT Ed? All because they’re on SST? Man, you run a tight indie ship Agner.

META-WTW!!!

Bill (2:09:42 PM): awww...me and my roomates were debating the idea of building a gammons robot last night in the case he does die
Ed (2:11:10 PM): ooooo
Ed (2:11:24 PM): will it be able to jam with Pearl Jam?
Bill (2:12:32 PM): it will be able to do that and pimp red sox prospects unmercifully
Ed (2:13:19 PM): maybe you should focus in on an all-purpose Boston media bot
Ed (2:13:26 PM): combining Gammons with Peter King
Bill (2:13:31 PM): ooh
Bill (2:13:41 PM): awww - i am throwing in a SST reference just for you
Ed (2:13:48 PM): that way it could run on coffee
Ed (2:13:54 PM): aww
Ed (2:14:10 PM): you are talking about an owner not paying his players?
Bill (2:14:17 PM): hehehe
Ed (2:14:27 PM): poor Greg Ginn

ED: The Bob Uecker stalker dealie has been delayed since they can't find the stalker in question. Assumedly, she has veered off into stalking Corbin Bernsen at this point. Well, she's setting her sights lower, I guess. Aww, crap! I write the joke then she shows up. Probably with Corbin Bernsen just so people will know he is still alive.  Well, actually, I am certain Bernsen has offered to appear with her, but since they're already questioning the woman's sanity...

BB: Where is the guy who did color commentary in Major League? Surely he has to want some action. I am saving the Bill-gets-stalked-by-a-glasses-obsessed-girl story for my book though. Sorry kids.

PR: If it shows up on outsiders, I am going to be pissed.

ED: THE ALL STAR GAME WILL COUNT AGAIN THIS YEAR!!! WHEE!!! Bill prepares the copy for Fox Sports!

BB: I think you misspelled coffee.

ED: White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen hates Jay Mariotti. Hates him so much he calls him a…Piazza, since we can't work blue. Ozzie is fined an undisclosed amount and is ordered to undergo sensitivity training.  And as we all know, sensitivity training is for...Piazza's.

BB: God, I wish I could say that word. But then I would have to learn English.

ED: Our STRAIGHT!!! man Ozzie and White Sox P David Riske then get suspended 3 games for Riske throwing at Cardinals 1B Chris Duncan. Obviously, Bob Watson is a homo too.

ED:  Phillies P Brett Myers is arrested in Boston for allegedly hitting his wife in the face.  Oh yeah, you know beating a woman will make Myers the defacto #1 babyface in Philly.

BB: There we go. For some reason he beat her across the street from a fire department which seems like a bad idea if you wanna beat up your wife inconspicuously in the wee hours.

PR: But Philly would be the proper city to do it in if he was trying to do it inconspicuously… which was kinda Ed point. DAMMITT!!!! Going third stinks some times. And no – I wouldn’t have even gotten close to spelling inconspicuously correctly if Bill hadn’t already done it for me.

NBA
ED: THE NBA FINALS!!! are FINALLY over. Miami is your new champs. None of us care. But we are glad the NBA season is over.

BB: Aww…one more week and this section disappears. And Richard Dawson stops reading until October.

PR: I think he stopped reading when you refused to do the Mike Liut FPOTM.

ED: The Knicks finally fire Larry Brown and name Isiah Thomas as their new head coach. Hilarity ensues. Time to just back away and let Phil vent his spleen. This may take a few pages.

PR: All the NY papers are pretty poopy when they aren’t named the NY Times. But the Post – at least I think it was the Post – had a great little recap of all the things that the Knicks and Brown hated about each other. Brown not returning Isiah’s phone calls and Isiah not asking about Brown’s surgery made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Of course – the highlight was how Brown almost sideswiped Isiah’s SUV one day leaving the parking lot. This is officially the finest team in all the land now.

ED: Mavs owner Mark Cuban is fined $250 K for throwing a fit after Game 5 of the NBA Finals over bad officiating and for stating on his blog that the league was fixed.  Aww, if only he would IM David Stern instead of blogging about him.  God, nerds suck.

BB: Awww…that IM conversation will be the centerpiece of the basketball preview we’ll never write.

PR: I am sure Stern still has Cuban as one of his friends on myspace. And I am sure Cuban would be one of those people who would post those irksome “I POPPED YOUR MYSPACE CHERY!!!!” images.

NHL
ED: The NHL STANLEY CUP FINALS!!! are over too and Carolina is your new champs. Now I can ignore hockey completely with no guilt.  Not that I ever had any guilt in paying no attention to the NHL, mind you.

BB: Aww…this section disappears this week. And…ok, no one reads us for hockey coverage.

PR: You could have finished that sentence three words sooner.

BB: The NHL Draft happened this week. The Capitals had Alexander Ovechkin announce their picks and mingle. He probably has GM privileges. He really needs to get a girlfriend.

PR: Maybe he sleeps with Mrs. Kirilenko.

CFL
WEEK TWO!!!

ED:  Ooo!  Ricky Williams isn't the greatest running back on the planet now?  Maybe I should ask Peter King and see what he thinks.  You think he could tear himself away from a coffee enema to reply?  Did you not want that visual either?  Right.  Well, Winnipeg stops the 4:20 RB and Toronto, 16-9.

ED:  Hey!  Wow!  Hamilton sure does look stinky!  Thanks for preparing me for the NFL season, Ti-Cats!  Montreal 32, Hamilton 14.  Ahh, and to think I hadn't felt the deep hatred for football in a while!  Pshew!  That should make the football preview so much better.
PR: Well, it will be better if we stick with the plan. TEASE~!


ED:  Henry Burris and Ricky Ray have an old-fashioned QB shoot-em-out that Edmonton wins - 18-14.  What?  18-14?  

PR: Aww… that’s not going to get anyone any NFL tryouts again.

ED:  And BC-Saskatchewan are duking it out as I send this to Bill and Phil.  Phil might throw in the results here.  Maybe not.

PR: Roughriders 32, Lions 24. Wanna know why the Lions lost? Rushing yards – 56. Dave Dickenson had 38 of them. I am guessing all 38 of them were him running for his life.

NFL
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! The Ravens pick up S Gerome Sapp from the Colts for a conditional 2007 draft pick. The Seahawks cut P Tom Rouen. The Rams sign CB Jerald Brown. The Rams trade an undisclosed draft pick to the Bengals for QB Dave Ragone. The Giants sign RB Little John Flowers.

PR: Okay – so the Giants now have Little John Flowers AND Sir Henry Anderson. Someone is definitely going to give Ernie Acorsi a contract with I.P. Freely on it just to see if he signs it.

ED: The soon-to-be ex-wife of Giants DE Michael Strahan alleges that Strahan engaged in an “alternative lifestyle” after the two split in March.  Yeah, I am certain Eli Manning has a favorite Morrissey line about this.

PR: I am old and unhip – don’t expect me to be quoting Morrissey.

ED:  Former Redskin Dexter Manley undergoes brain surgery.  Right.  Yeah.  Well, moving along.

BB: Sweet sweet dead pool survivors.

PR: Grr….. THE BEAST failed me.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Steelers #1 PICK! Santonio Holmes arrested AGAIN - this time for domestic violence. The assault charges against Jags draft pick Maurice Drew (as part of the whole Ricky Manning Jr. Denny's incident) are thrown out of court. Bengals draft pick Frostee Rucker is arrested on spousal battery and vandalism charges.  Saints T Jammal Brown is arrested for domestic violence.

BB: Wait – wait – FROSTEE???

NCAA
ED: University of Washington P/Giants #1 Pick/Man Destined To Sam Millitello Himself Out Of The Bigs In Short Order Tim Linecum wins this year's Golden Spikes Award.  Oh yeah, no chance he's going to be able to lift up that award in 5 years.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Alabama football player Juwan Simpson enters drug rehab to resolve the misdemeanor pot possession charges against him. South Dakota basketball players Andre Gilbert and Mohamed Berte are indicted on rape charges.

BB: I don’t get how drug rehab is going to make him stop smoking weed.

OTHER
ED:  Andre Agassi announces he will retire after the US Open.  I wonder if we could get a quote from Ozzie Guillen about Agassi.

BB: I’d rather get a quote from Morrissey about Agassi. LOOK AT THAT HAIR!

PR: Morrissey’s? Agassi’s? Ed’s? I’m so confused. I need a nap. It’s cold. There are wolves after me.

ED: Jeff Gordon wins the Dodge/Save Mart 350.  Oh, I know we could get a word from Ozzie on this.