BB:
Bill Barnwell
ED: Ed Agner
PR: Phil Rippa
ED: S-L-O-W. So very slow.
PR: Aww… did softball season
again?
MLB ED: The Reds fire Manager
Dave Miley and Pitching Coach Don Gullet, replacing them with Jerry
Narron and Vern Ruhle respectively. Oh, that's going to change
things.
BB: Do you think Dave Miley
stole Adam Dunn’s barcalounger on the way out? Do you think Dave
Miley’s got a big enough car to fit Adam Dunn’s barcalounger in it? Do
you think Dave Miley’s got a big enough car to fit Austin Kearns in it?
HE’S FAT!!!!
PR: Yeah – Sean Casey is so
going to tell both of them that you are being mean to them.
ED: More people put on the
cripple list include – White Sox Old Man And The Sea Orlando Hernandez
(shoulder), Royals 1B Mike Sweeney (wrist), Reds Futility Infielder
Luis Lopez (shredded hammy – out for the year), Mets Out/E-4 Kaz Matsui
(bruised knee), Royals P Jeremy Affeldt (getting' his groin right),
Dodgers PVCanadian Eric Gagne (now done for the season to…NOT undergo
Tommy John surgery), Dodgers C Paul Bako (now out for the season with
an ACL), LAA's AARP member Steve Finley (shoulder), Padres P Adam Eaton
(finger) and C Ramon Hernandez (wrist), Orioles MANLY-MEATINESS!!! B.J.
Surhoff (ribs), Phillies P Randy Wolf (now done for the season to get
Tommy John surgery), Pirates P Mike Gonzalez (knee), Cardinals P Randy
Flores (blister…on his foot), Brewers VETERAN PRESENCE! Jeff Cirillo
(broken hand), Reds DUI Ryan Freel (foot), Reds P Randy Keisler
(elbow), Padres 1B Phil Nevin (oblique), Mets GLOVE!!! Doug Misspelling
(hammy)
PR: See I was already with my
“Okay, so normal recovery time from Tommy John surgery is a year to 18
months, so since Gagne is Canadian, does that mean he will be out 4 to
6 years?” But he didn’t have the surgery so all is lost.
ED: People out of work
this week include: Mets P Mike DeJean is released (Phil weeps), Rangers
P Pedro Astacio (no one weeps), Cardinals OF Roger Cedeno is DFA'd (and
a whole lotta Mets fans laugh)
BB: Lot easier to DFA Roger
Cedeno when it costs you $180,000 instead of $8 million, or however
much his ridiculous ridiculous contract was for.
PR: Maybe the Mets will resign.
I mean, they need to have depth to keep blocking Victor Diaz.
ED: Twelve cars owned by
Washington National players or employees are broken into - and one
owned by Nats OF Marlon Byrd was stolen - in a parking garage under RFK
stadium while the Nats were on a road trip. Wil Cordero, as
always, is ready to slap around whoever is responsible.
BB: I would really like a Wil
Cordero/Al Martin reality show. “You slapped my wife!” “WIFE?!? I
thought that was your DAUGHTER!” (canned laughter). Actually – not
their own show. They should be on Ultimate Fighter.
PR: I just enjoy that Jose
Guillen was at least smart enough to know you don’t park your car in
Washington DC. I also enjoy that the police didn’t think to just head
out to the Beltway. I mean the thieves are probably still stuck in
traffic.
ED: Because it's a slow
week, coaches for the AL Star game have been announced – for the AL
it's Tigers Mgr. Alan Trammell and A's Mgr. Ken Macha, for the NL it's
Giants Mgr. Felipe Alou and Brewers Mgr. Ned Yost. Yay!
BB: Will Trammell have to serve
under OZZIE??? Maybe Ozzie can explain how he was a better shortstop
than Trammell ever was ‘cause Ozzie’s fiery and honest.
PR: It’s last year’s World
Series managers. Which means Terry Francona. Poor poor Smartball. His
rationale for selecting coaches was pretty funny. “Umm… well Ken Macha
hired me… and he might have some compromising photos of me.”
ED: Mariners
HEIGHT!!! Richie Sexson and Orioles Mgr. Lee Mazzilli are
suspended each suspended two games for separate incidents involving
arguing with umpires. Well, as long as Lloyd…D'oh!
ED: Pirate Mgr. and VP.com
favorite Lloyd McClendon says he's toning down his act and will not
argue so much with umpires. Well, as long as he still threatens
Tony LaRussa regularly, we're OK with that.
BB: Fire that man.
ED: The Padres sign Mgr.
Bruce Bochy to a two-year contract extension. Told ya it was a
slow week.
BB: The Padres haven’t won
anything in like eight years. What does Bochy have to do to lose his
job?
PR: Slap Tony Gwynn around with
his… oh, right. Family site.
NBA ED: The San Antonio Spurs
are your NBA champs, putting down the Pistons in 7 games. Now,
please NBA, go away.
BB: Mokeski…
ED: The Bucks fire head
coach Terry Porter. And to think that I didn't even know he had
retired from playing.
BB: Sikma…
ED: Seattle gives GM Rick
Sund a three-year contract extension. Ehh.
BB: Lohaus…
ED: Word on the street has
it that Danny Ferry is going the be the new GM of Clevaland.
Yeah, if there's one guy completely un-LeBron-like that I wouldn't want
to run LeBron's team, Danny Ferry would be it.
BB: Schayes…
ED: Oh, further word on
the street - I hang with Carmelo Anthony's posse, mind you - is that
Mavs C Sean Bradley is retiring. Hey, I gave you the warning
about it being a slow news week from the get go.
BB: LET THE ANDREW BOGUT, WHITE
BUCK ERA BEGIN!!! Of course – this will probably be released after the
draft and the Bucks will have not picked Bogut and my joke will all be
for naught.
CFL WEEK ONE!!!
ED: Montreal handles
Hamilton, 31-22. Stupid crappy Danny McManus.
ED: Ricky Ray throws for
354 yards and 2 TD's as Edmonton slaps around Ottawa, 41-16. You
know what Ricky Ray is missing to become a top-flight NFL QB...or at
least to become a quality back-up? That's right, Jerry Jones
blowing a top pick on him and a bad coke habit. Oh yeah, the Jets
can't lose enough games to make me happy. Friggin' idiotic Jets.
ED: In a rematch of last
season's Grey Cup, BC tops Toronto, 27-20. Oh yeah, the Argos
getting their ring ceremony crammed back down their throats makes me
very-very-very happy.
ED: COREY HOLMES!!! runs
roughshod as Saskatchewon whips Winnipeg, 42-15. Sweet Canadian
X-Factors!
SOCCER BB: Story of my week – go to bed
at 3 am Saturday. See on the BBC website that Chelsea’s signed Shawn
Wright-Phillips. Think – weird, haven’t heard that anywhere. Check
Google News on the story and find absolutely nothing. Whatever, go to
sleep. Wake up at noon and Manchester City DEFINITELY isn’t signing
Shawn Wright-Phillips. Right. Now it’s Monday and they might be.
PR: What is this? Fanball?
PR: Eddie Lewis signed with
Leeds. Will still be underappreciated in America.
PR: Confederations Cup
continued. Still no one died… yet.
PR: Oh yeah – what would a
season of World Cup Qualifying be without folks losing their jobs.
Ersun Yanal is out at Turkey. Antti Muurinen is now the ex-coach for
Finland. Senegal sacked Stephan (Guy Stephan that is). Oh and Nigeria
suspended Christian Chukwu for a whopping three days.
NFL ED: Even more astute GM
moves include: the Browns signing QB Doug Johnson, the Bengals
claiming QB? Craig Krenzel off of waivers, the 49ers signing STRAIGHT!
Johnnie Morton, the Lions signing CB R.W. McQuarters, the Cards signing
LB Greg Carothers, the Redskins signing CB Artrell Hawkins
BB: The PATRIOTS!!! signed Chad
Morton which means Chad Morton went from being a useless Redskin to
being a SUPER VALUABLE PATRIOT!!!! in the matter of days. Oh yeah –
this NFL preview is going to be hate-filled.
PR: TWO TOUCHDOWNS!!! ONE GAME!!!
ED: Your NFL Trouble
list: Redskins S Sean Taylor pleads not guilty to gun and assault
charges – and faces a minimum of 3 years jail time for the charges…as
if that would happen. Colts CB Nick Harper waives his right to an
initial hearing on domestic battery charges. Dolphins S Quinton
Williams arrested on DUI and drag racing charges…and is then released.
BB: Can you negotiate a new deal
whilst in jail?
PR: Well I am sure you can
negotiate which orifice… oh right, family site.
ED: Steelers radio
announcer Myron Cope to retire after 35 years. Man, 35 years of
watching the Steelers would be my definition of Hell.
BB: I love the writers/fans who
talk about how Cope is a throwback to another era because he has a
weird voice and how it shouldn’t matter that he screws things up and
gets player names wrong because he’s charismatic. The JOB of the
announcer is to pass along the story, just like any other journalist.
The charisma part is secondary. Yes – I hate 99% of announcers. But it
shouldn’t be hard to find someone who can do both.
PR: I love that my first
reaction when Ed said “Oh the annoying Steelers announcer retired” was
“Terry Bradshaw?”
NCAA ED: Texas beats Florida to
win the College World Series. In case you wondered, Texas winning
the CWS is the equivalent of say, North Carolina winning the NCAA hoops
title. Yes, that's why your stomach was turning.
ED: Nebraska 3B Alex
Gordon wins the Golden Spikes award - basically college baseball's
Heisman Trophy, minus the inevitable blown out knee and failure at the
pro level of course.
BB: Well now he’s a Royal, so
that will come naturally.
ED: Georgia Tech CB Reuben
Houston is suspended after his arrest on felony charges of conspiring
to possess and distribute about 94 pounds of marijuana, with a street
value of $60,000-80,000. HELLOOOOOOOOO, DALLAS!!!
BB: Man, the initiation to get
into Nate Newton’s frat is tough.
BB: First time I typed that
joke, it read “Man, the initiation to get into Nate Newton’s fart is
tough.” I think I like that one more.
ED: Two Tennessee football
players, LB Daniel Brooks and DB Corey Campbell, are suspended for a
game for traffic violations. HAH! You get points towards
your varsity letter at Ohio State for that.
BB: BUCKEYE!
ED: Bart Oates, Brian
Kavanagh and Tony Roberts are inducted into the College Football Hall
of Fame. I will now step aside so Phil can swoon over Bart Oates.
PR: Aww… he named his dog Dexter.
ED: The Baylor basketball
program gets a punch in the jimmy from the NCAA - cutting down the
teams schedule to only home games as punishment for the whole Carlton
Dotson fiasco. See, if Dotson has just stabbed Dennehey...
BB: Brian Dennehy? Then there
would’ve been no Bobby Knight movie!
PR: Well, it would have at least
made the Bobby Knight movie watchable. Oh and the penalty is that
Baylor only can play conference games. I don’t know why Ed said home
games. Unless he was implying that the entire team was on some sort of
work release program.
ED: St. Peters basketball player
George Jefferson dead at 20. Ugh.
PR: Yet Leonard Little is alive
and not in jail.
BB: So he is in comically better
shape than me and – right. Oh mortality.
OTHER ED: Tony Stewart wins the
Dodge/Save Mart 350. I am lazy. It was either make note of
this or the LPGA US Open. Congrats, NASCAR! You beat out a
whole lot of lesbians.
BB: That is actually what most
of my girlfriends say to me when our relationship starts.
PR: Before or after they don’t
sleep with you?
ED: Wimbledon is
underway. Far too many lonely men now planning on spending the
next two weeks sitting around pantsless watching Russian teenagers.
BB: Should Rippa insert the
Danica’s nipples joke in here?
ED: Formula One head calls
racer Danica Patrick congratulating her on her Indy 500 achievements
and then tells her that, "Women should be all dressed in white like all
other domestic appliances.'' He later calls to apologize for that.
Well, at least he didn't reference her nipples, I guess. Yeah,
"nipples" really needs to replace "punch in the jimmy" as our new catch
phrase.
BB: Oh, there.
ED: HOCKEY NEWS!!!
The Chicago Blackhawks hire Dave Tallon as their new GM - and he
promptly turns around and fires head coach Brian Sutter. The
Anaheim Ducks hire Brian Burke as their new GM. Well, there's
always a place for "punch in the jimmy" after all.
ED: Oh, the funny news for
me is that Chris Spielman resigns from being head coach of the Columbus
Destroyers. What's funny about that, you ask? Is it because
he's able to resign instead of getting canned for the horrific job he
did running the franchise into the ground? Oh no. The funny
part is how I was able to hear Columbus news morons call him a former
NFL great all weekend. Oh, that's rich. Former NFL
great. Hehehehe.