The Week That
Was
(6/26/06
- 7/02/06)
ED: It's OK. Bill can write his
bio here.
PR: Will it be something
along the lines of "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater
so messy, so so messy."
PR: Bill's name was drawn in the New England draft of those
guarding Gammons, so he will be back next week.
ED: Like Bill can keep me from pulling the plug. I CAN
ENTICE HIM WITH HIS OWN BIO!!! LET ME AT THE PLUG, BILL!
SOCCER
PR: World Cup down to 4
teams – Germany, Italy, France and Portugal. Rest of the World Cup is –
Ronaldo is fat. David Beckham is old and crippled and weepy. Wayne
Rooney is mean. Diego Maradona’s posse is larger than he is.
PR: Juventus general manager
Gianluca Pessotto tries to commit suicide by throwing himself out the
window. Would have succeeded if it wasn’t for all those pesky cars that
got in the way along the way.
PR: Yes Mr. Red Bull
President. This is Youri Djorkaeff. I need some time off. No, no. Very
personal matter. No I am not attending the World Cup. Pay no attention
to that footage of me at the France/Brazil game. IT’S A TRAP!!! A
RUSE!!! AN ELABORATE PLOY BY FRENCH HATING DC UNITED FANS!!! I AM A
PATSY!!!!
PR: Speaking of Red Bull –
the canned poor poor Mo Johnston and hired Richie Williams. Yes, Richie
Williams. Who I honestly thought was still playing for the Richmond
Kickers.
MLB
ED: GREATEST SPORTSWRITER
EVER!!!!!! Peter Gammons suffers a brain aneurysm. Phil and I are
discussing how to do a séance with Gammons if he goes and if
that will include Scott Erickson's NO HIT STUFF - and Mike Crudale. But
mostly, I am amused with the thought of Gammons in the after-life
trying to weasel his way into a jam with Jimi Hendrix.
PR: To which I said, Hendrix
would probably lit Gammons’ head on fire and try and snort it.
ED: DL LIST!!! Yankees 2B
Robinson Cano (hamstring), Dodgers P? Brett Tomko (oblique), Giants OF
Moises Alou (back), Twins DH Rondell White (shoulder), Giants P Tim
Worrell (neck), Nats P Shawn Hill (elbow), Marlins SCUFFER! Brian
Moehler (foot)
ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The
Yankess call up 2B? Nick Green. The Cubs activate GUTLESS! Scott
Williamson from the DL, call up C Geovany Soto and ship out FAST! Tony
Womack and P David Aardsma. The Pirates ship out P's Ryan Vogelsong and
Oliver Perez and call up P's Jonah Bayliss and Tom Gorzelanny. The Blue
Jays activate P Pete Walker from the DL and ship out Josh Towers. The
Cubs activate ANGEL PAGAN!!! from the DL and DFA FAST! Tony Womack. The
A's activate DH Frank Thomas and 2B Mark Ellis from the DL. The Twins
activate OF Shannon Stewart from the DL. The Reds DF P Chris
Hammond. The Mets activate OF Cliff Floyd from the DL and ship
out TRADE BAIT! Lastings Milledge. The Braves activate P Chris
Reitsma from the DL. The Angels DFA P Jeff Weaver and call up
Li'l Bro Jered Weaver. The Giants call up PET SOUNDS! Brian
Wilson. The Padres activate P Woody Williams from the DL.
The Nats activate P Pedro Astacio from the DL.
PR: The Yanks also let
Eruibel Durazo go from Columbus. Which was kinda sad since he played no
position. If only he had played second base... since apparently they
have 9 on the roster now. Oh and did the Cubs trainers just carry
Womack directly to the unemployment line after he was crippled in that
final game he played.
ED: TRADES!!! The Dodgers
send C Dioner Navarro and P Jae Seo to the Devil Rays for P Mark
Hendrickson and C Toby Hall. The Phillies pick up P Fabio Castro from
the Rangers for P Daniel Haigwood and cash. The Indians trade 1B
Eduardo Perez to the Mariners for IF Asdrubal Cabrera.
PR: I enjoy the Dodgers
making moves to eliminate anyone who might have possibly been acquired
by Depo.
ED: Asheville Tourists
Manager Joe Mikulik throws the mother of all ridiculous temper tantrums
in a game this week. You saw the footage of this by now. Though Phil
was far too transfixed by the Elliot Sadler stage diving footage to
notice.
PR: Well since my father
just asked me if I knew what craigslist was – I eagerly await him
discovering YouTube. Mind you – he will only find out about it if there
is a CBS News story on it. So give this 2 years.
ED: Tommy Lasorda, Ron
Stead, Ron Hayter and Larry McLean are inducted into the CANADIAN!
Baseball Hall of Fame. Who knew that Lasorda liked gravy on his pasta?
ED: In a related note to
Tommy Lasorda - very much related, actually - it was announced that
Thomas Arthur, creator of the Dodger Dog is dead at 84. No word on if
Arthur will be ground into a Dodger Dog for Lasorda.
PR: Aww... do you think
Sandy Koufax secretly was happy over the death? TAKE THAT YOU PORK
PUSHING BASTARD!!!!!
ED: Pirates OF Jason Bay is
beaten down by life. His dream is for the Pirates not to suck. God, he
may as well wish for Pittsburgh not to be a friggin' sty while he's at
it.
PR: Jason Bay and Oliver
Perez being Yankees would make me happy. Of course – Oliver Perez is
real close to bagging my groceries any day now.
ED: PSYCHO WOMEN NEWZ!!! The
fiancée of Nats GM Jim Bowden accepts community service to avoid
battery and resisting arrest charges. Bob Ueker's stalker is ordered to
have no contact with him and to not to appear at any ballpark where the
Brewers are playing.
PR: So she has to stay JUST
A BIT OUTSIDE!!!! Thank you. Thank you. I will be here all week and in
the Catskills on the 14th.
ED: Speaking of psychos. And
women. Not necessarily psycho women in this case - Phillies P Brett
Myers takes a personal leave of absence through the All Star break
after being arrested for hitting his wife.
ED: SUSPENSIONS!!! Phillies
Manager Charlie Manuel is suspended a game for arguing with an umpire.
Astros Manager Phil Garner is suspended a game for throwing a chair on
the field. Padres C Josh Bard is suspended a game for pointing a bat at
an umpire.
ED: ROID NEWZ!!! Barry
Bonds' personal trainer, Greg Anderson, refuses to testify before a
grand jury in Bonds' perjury dealie and possibly faces contempt of
court charges. Jose Canseco signs with the San Diego Surf Dawgs of the
independent Golden Baseball League.
PR: KNUCKLER~!
ED: The Reds extend the
contract of Manager Jerry Narron and GM Wayne Krivsky through 2008.
Hmm, two more years in Cincy. Are they being rewarded or punished?
PR: Maybe their houses
aren’t actually in Ohio.
ED: FRONT OFFICE STUFF
- The Padres hire former Dodger GM and SCRAP HATER! Paul DePodesta as a
special assistant. The Nats new ownership group announces it will
keep MC BOWDES! as their new GM.
ED: Speaking of the great
hereafter - an autopsy reveals that Steve Howe has meth in his system
when he had his fatal truck wreck. Gee, no one could have seen
that coming.
ED: MLB has as bad music
taste as the AFL
ED:
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-all-star-performers&prov=ap&type=lgns
PR: Oooh... let me guess
PR: without looking
PR: Umm.... Jack Johnson
PR: Or that other whiny solo
guy who does that "Bad Day" song
ED: oh no
PR: Aww.... I would have
never guessed Big & Rich
PR: because I didnt think
Pittsburgh or MLB liked country
ED: well, that's as country
as Mariah Carey, rally
ED: rally
ED: CRAP!
ED: really
PR: I dont loathe Big &
Rich but that is going to be one big cluster
ED: and O.A.R.
PR: Of course - I am going
to just make several COMING TO YOUR CITY!!!!! jokes
ED: that amuses me
ED: because what?
PR: Oh God - I will make
lots and lots of O.A.R. jokes
ED: the future players are
all pot smoking hippies?
PR: UNDERGROUND INTERNET
MOVEMENT!!!!!
ED: hehehehe
PR: I will claim that
Dashboard Confessional is going to change the mound and beat up OAR
ED: aww
PR: charge too
PR: I could see Chris
Carraba working on the grounds crew to make some extra cash
ED: aww
ED: I have no idea who that
is
PR: he is either the lead
singer of Dashboard Confessional
PR: or the entire group
PR: kids today and their
wacky music
ED: hehehehehe
ED: I didn't even realize
Dashboard Confessional was still around
PR: They just played DC
since the POST had a write up and I wanted to thrown up in my mouth
just a little bit
PR: Of course - I am shocked
MLB didnt try to get Billy Joel under the pretense of "HEY!!! PLAY THAT
ALLENTOWN SONG!!! PLAY IT NOW PIANO MAN!!!!
ED: aww
ED: then Gammons could rock
out with -- oops
PR: aww....
PR: you do realize that all
of this should be in the WTW
ED: hehehehe
ED: fine
ED: that can cover the whole
piece
PR: thats fine with me
PR: It can go under the
pretense of "2 people way out of MLB's target demo proving why they are
out of MLB's target demo"
CFL
WEEK
THREE!!!
ED: Winnipeg destroys
Edmonton, 46-10. Yeah, first the Oilers take a beating in the
Stanley Cup, then the Eskimos get destroyed on Canada Day. There
is no Canadian Patriotism in Edmonton, that's for sure. Someone
better call George Bush in and have him give 'em the what for about
patriotism.
PR: Oh yeah – there was a
big batch of no tackling and no coverage in this game. It really was
like watching the Giants.
ED: BC tops Toronto,
26-19. But-but...RICKY WILLIAMS SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! OH MY
GOD!!! How can a team lose a game with Rick- Oh Right.
Dolphins did that all the time.
PR: Dammit – I should have
saved my Eric Crouch retirement joke for here.
ED: Calgary edges
Hamilton, 23-22. Ahh, yes. The Ti-Cats have me fully
prepared for the upcoming NFL season. Frickin' football.
NFL
ED: The NFL bans
amphetamines. Not that the NFL needs to ban substances since the league
is CLEAN!!! CLEAN!!! No drug use here. Nosir.
ED: Yeah, the NFL and the
NFLPA have a little mess going on involving a trust fund manager who
swindled a whole bunch of players out of about $20 million. Money, of
course, that would have been blown on civil suits for when they wreck
their SUV's into parked cars while drunk and watching porn.
ED: Leslie Visser becomes
the first woman to receive the Pro Football Hall of Fame's Pete Rozelle
Radio-Television Award. ANTI-COWBOY BIAS!!!
PR: I wonder if Dick
Stockton tried to pretend that she didn’t get any calls. “No, no honey.
It was just someone trying to sell me some Viagra.”
ED: RAIDERS!!! WR Randy Moss
opens an Inta Juice franchise in West Virginia. Yeah, selling smoothies
in West Virginia. Do they even know what fruit is in West Virginia?
PR: They certainly don't
know what showers are.
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT! The
Bears sign WR/KR Alex Bannister. The Bucs sign QB Jay Fiedler and TE
Matt Kranchick. The 49ers sign P Tom Rouen.
ED: INJURY LIST!!! Bucs
rookie TE T.J. Williams tears his Achilles in training camp and is out
for the season.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Patriots
DT Johnathan Sullivan is busted for running stop signs. Oh yeah. And
for possession of pot.
PR: We are not allowing Pats
to just do what they want? The terrorists have truly won.
NCAA
ED: Northwestern football
coach Randy Walker dead at 52. GRRR. God, if you needed to take a Big
10+1/18*245-6 football coach, could you at least LISTEN TO MY
SUGGESTIONS?!?!?!?!
ED: Oregon State is your
College World Series winner. BEAVER FEVER!!!
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!
California QB Steve Levy is suspended indefinitely after being arrested
for assault in a bar fight.
PR: Will he still be able to
do the 2 AM Sportscenter?
NBA
ED: Lakers F Lamar Odom's 6
½ month old son dies. Yes. I bring the downer.
ED: The NBA Draft went down.
Phil said I should just use this and the NHL sections to post stories
about a “hypothetical racist cube neighbor.” But…no way I want to steal
the thunder of the Knicks draft.
PR: Sadly, Simmons was funny
for once about this. I, in turn, will just giggle as the fans heckling
Stephen A. Smith.
ED: Former Knicks coach
Larry Brown files a grievance with the league to get his full pay. The
Knicks believe they don't owe Brown a dime since he violated his
contract by giving roadside interviews. I am thinking the NBA
exists only to give pain to Phil at this point.
PR: Oh no – I have been
following the NBA more in the last month than I have in the last 4
years. The Knicks really better never fire Isiah.
ED: Timberwolves C Eddie
Griffin is being sued for wrecking his SUV into a parked car because he
was drunk and watching a porno. Yeah, this is why we love the
NBA. Well, that and Isiah.
NHL
ED: Herb Brooks, Patrick
Roy, Dick Duff and Harley Hotchkiss are inducted into the Hockey Hall
of Fame. AWESOME!!! The Barefoot Executive is in the Hall of Fame?
Wait. What?
PR: I made a couple of
tasteless Herb Brooks jokes to Ed in IM and I was sure he was going to
put them in here. Of course – I can’t remember what they were. I think
it might have been something like “Gee – I hope everyone decides to
take a nap before heading out to the ceremony.
ED: The Bruins fire head
coach Mike Sullivan and replace him with Dave Lewis. No.
Care.
OTHER
ED: Wimbledon started!
I...yeah. Is it over yet?
PR: You just hate it because
the Americans stink at it.
ED: THE TOUR DE FRANCE
STARTS!!! Some guys are not allowed in due to blood doping stuff or
something. And amazingly, even though Lance Armstrong is not in the
race, I still want him to get cancer again when I hear anything about
this.
ED: Tony Stewart wins the
Pepsi 400. Vice President Dick Cheney attended the race and, when
told there is no starters pistol for NASCAR races, planned to turn back
around and shoot at stranded astronauts.
ED: Evander Holyfield
announces a comeback in August. Yeah. When's the death pool
again?
PR: Of all the boxers we
picked – we some how let him sneak by. We suck.