ED:
Beware Inanimate Objects! Like laundry carts, water coolers,
cameramen…and Jason Giambi.
PR: We better bring the funny
because we certainly don’t bring the analysis.
PR: Oh – Bill isn’t here this
week as he is 21 now and you know what that means. SOPHOMORE YEAR AT
NORTHEASTERN!!!!
MLB ED: More people put on the
cripple list include - Pirates P Oliver Perez (broken toe…from kicking
a laundry cart), Twins 3B Glenn Williams (shoulder), White Sox P Damaso
Marte (trapezius muscle), Phillies 1B Jim Thome (elbow), Nats OF Ryan
Church (ribs), Nats 1B Nick Johnson (heel...because of Phil, not me,
Nats fans. Honest. Phil has his bobblehead doll and
everything. Blame Phil. Plese don't crush me with your li'l
bandwagon. Please.), Devil Rays first-round flop Eric Munson
(ribs), Twins 3B Michael Cuddyer (hand), Angels PLAN A Orlando Cabrera
(elbow), Devil Rays 3B Alex Gonzalez (neck) and P Doug Waechter
(finger), Orioles C Geronimo Gil (thumb), Indians P Rafael Betancourt
(shoulder), Dodgers OF J.D. Drew (broken wrist)
PR: Glenn Williams???? Are
things so desperate in Minnesota that they are starting Vegas lounge
acts now?
BB: I
imagine this room of injured players being like the room you go in
after you get knocked out of the Celebrity Poker Showdown or whatever
stupid name they gave it. Bitter people talking about their crappy luck
while they insult the people still left going and count the millions
they have left over.
ED: All Star rosters
are announced. Now, I am not one to suggest that Terry Francona
is anything less than a genius. But...uhh...eww. Michael
Young? Justin Duchscherer? Danys Baez? I mean, we
expect bad roster decisions from Tony LaRussa but...ummm...well, you
know what would make it all better? More Washington Nats.
That's right! Nats fever! Catch it! Address all hate
mail to Bill, Nats fans!
PR: Aww… Michael Young is
actually decent this year. I mean
Michael Young -
.322/.368/.499, OPS .866 David Eckstein -
.289/.376/.365, OPS .741
Since Eckstein’s SCRAP! Is
strong, the fans were brilliant for voting him in. Young gets
questioned because he bumped out Derek Jeter. And I think Ed is just
ignoring that Paul Konerko made the team. Oh yeah – that is a big fat
batch of Fantasy Bitterness combined with SMART BALL HOME RUNS!!!
Meanwhile, Morgan Ensberg wonders if it will take him sleeping with
Andy Pettite’s God to make a team.
ED: Some player movement:
Yankee P's Paul Quantrill and Mike Stanton are DFA'd; the Padres sign P
Pedro Astacio; the Astros DFA LOOGY John Franco; the Mariners cut 2B
Andro Boone
BB: I
COULD see them waiving Paul Quantrill just out of bitterness which
wouldn’t be a smart move – as Quantrill was great in the first half
last year until his arm fell off. At the very worst, he’s better than
Curt Leskanic. God, that was ugly.
ED: Connected to the
above, the Yankees trade P Paul Quantrill to San Diego for P's Darrell
May and Tim Redding. You know who wins most out of this?
The Washington Nats. Why, you ask? Because no franchise is
better than the Washington Nats. That's right. Address your
hate mail to Phil, Nats fans.
PR: I’m no analyst and I
don’t think the Washington Post is either – but I think the Nationals
getting Eric Milton (which was the rumor) wouldn’t be one of Jim
Bowden’s finest ideas.
ED: Rangers P Kenny Rogers
breaks the pinkie on his non-throwing hand punching a water cooler then
goes ballistinc on a couple of cameramen attempting to film his broken
pinkie. Rogers then receives a 20 game suspension for his actions.
Fortunately for the Rangers, a suspension will keep him from walking in
an important run or getting shelled or something. But you know
who this all helps the most? The World Champion Washington
Nationals. That's right! No franchise is better than the
Washington Nats! Uh-huh. Address your hate mail to Phil and
Bill, Nats fans.
PR: Has anyone sent Ozzie
Guillen a memo letting him know that his team is no longer America’s
darlings. We all need to pray against a White Sox/Nationals World
Series. ESPECIALLY one that would be called by Buck/McCarver.
ED: Yankees OF Gary Sheffield
gets a two game suspension for being ejected from a game and throwing
his helmet. Well, it beats playing for the Yankees at this point.
BB: The
guy who took a swing at Sheffield is from Dorchester, one of the
sketchier areas around Boston. How sketchy? The person who exemplifies
Dorchester for me is one of my roommates in college. How sketchy? He
spent the eight years before college in juvenile detention. How
sketchy? He got arrested for armed robbery. How sketchy? AT THE AGE OF
TEN. And that’s the only publishable story I have of him.
ED: Orioles P Steve Kline
gets a 4 game suspension for going ape over a balk call. See, if he
would have just used that energy on Tony LaRussa.
PR: Well if Kline hadn’t
signed with Baltimore, he wouldn’t have been called for that balk.
ED: Angels P Brendan
Donnelly's suspension for having pine tar in his glove is reduced from
10 games to 8. You know who wins most out of this? The
Washington Nats. Why, you ask? Because no franchise is
better than the Washington N-- ehh. You get the idea.
PR: So they were part of the
conspiracy that Donnelly hinted about? Can they tell me about the moon
landing? Is Donnelly the Lindberg baby?
ED: Rangers P Frank Francisco
pleads no contest to assault charges stemming from the chair throwing
incident in Oakland last season and receives work detail and anger
management classes. Oh man, anger management classes in Oakland
really-really-really has to be the greatest thing ever.
BB: The
worst part was for a full day I kept thinking that Francisco Cordero
had done it because, for some reason, whenever I saw "Frank Francisco",
I saw "Francisco Cordero". Once I realized that Frankie had done it I
ceased to care whatsoever.
PR: Okay – its complete
happenstance that both times I have run this gimmick, there has been an
update on the Francisco story.
ED: Phillies OF Jason
Michaels arrested for punching a cop outside of a Philadelphia
nightclub. See, now that's a man who could have played for Larry
Bowa.
PR: Oh – so he doesn’t like
to walk?
ED: Astros 2B/LF Craig Biggio
breaks the modern record for getting hit by pitches. Stat geeks proudly
stroke their magnificent beards and rub one out to a Bill James spread
sheet.
ED: Former Mets and Rangers
Manager Bobby Valentine calls the plans for MLB's World Baseball
Classic dealie, misguided and insulting. That coming from a man who
knows all about being misguided and insulting.
ED: John Rocker is released
from the independent league Long Island Ducks. He is now qualified for
a spot on the Cincinnati Reds where his enlightened views will be
respected.
BB: Aww
skeet skeet skeet skeet.
ED: An appeals court denies
the city of Anaheim's request that that Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
quit using that ridiculous name. Well, umm…OK.
ED: MLB is changing the home
run derby format at this year's All Star game, featuring 8 players from
different countries competing in the event FOR WORLD BIG DONG
DOMINANCE!!!
ED: Indians minor leaguer
Kyle Denny is released from a hospital after getting drilled in the
head with a line drive. He should've worn the go-go boots.
PR: Maybe he will take the hint that baseball hates him.
ED: Former Giants C Dick
Dietz dead at 63.
NBA ED: The NBA draft goes down.
I really can contribute nothing here. Which, of course, is nothing new.
BB: Draft
summated: Europeans, high schoolers, upside, upside, upside. See
Simmons column for three thousand words saying the same thing.
ED: DRAFT-RELATED TRADES!!!
Well, there were a whole bunch of them. I was going to actually list
them all but…ya know. Brendan's blog is right there. Go. Check out
Brendan's blog.
PR: This confused me to no
end. Does Brendan have a sad sad Philadelphia blog now? I mean it would
be must reading but I don’t think it would have anything about the NBA
let alone the NBA draft. Maybe Slotman’s would. Well at least maybe
like the 2003 draft. Poor little unupdated blog.
CFL WEEK TWO!!!
ED: Edmonton whips Winnipeg,
27-8. Poor li'l Tee Martin.
ED: Ottawa shocks Montreal
39-36 in OT. Ahhh! So very-very beautiful!
ED: Toronto sneaks one out
against Calgary, 22-16. Damon Allen-mania!!!
ED: Saskatchewon holds off
Hamilton, 23-21. Friggin' TiCats! Sign Khari Jones and put
Danny McManus out to pasture already!
PR: Aww… you weren’t content
with just Nats hate mail this week. You wanted Ti-Cats mail too?
ED: Argos WR Robert
Baker is suspended a week for punching K Noel Prefontaine on the
sidelines during Toronto's game against Calgary this week. A week for
punching the kicker? Man, I assumed punching the kicker was a
freebie.
SOCCER PR: West Brom is a little
bitter as they got shown the hand from a MLS team. Oh yeah – this made
me giggle.
NFL ED: Even more astute GM moves
include: the Raiders signing DT Ed Jasper, the Pats officially signing
KR Chad Morton, the Chiefs sign CB Ashley Ambrose
PR: Oof – the Boston media
will be bad enough, Ed. I don’t need you covering the same Pats signing
two weeks in a row.
ED: Your NFL Trouble list:
Police are investigating a shooting during a party hosted by Washington
LB #56 and 49ers LB Julius Peterson. Raven's LB Terrell Suggs acquitted
of assault charges stemming from a fight on a playground. Lions DE
Kalimba Edwards pleads guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct
charges. Lions WR David Kircus is arrested on DUI charges. Vikings head
coach Mike Tice fined $100K by the league for scalping Super Bowl
tickets.
BB: LB
Redskins is a question mark because I think LB Redskins’ temperament
isn’t suited to a Joe Gibbs style of discipline – while he’s not Tom
Coughlin or anything, LB Redskins is going to have to earn his request
to earn $40 or $50 million more on the contract he signed…last year.
ED: The Jets re-sign LB's
Marvin Jones and Mo Lewis so they can retire as Jets. Oh, you mean they
didn't retire years ago?
PR: Did Herman Edwards forget
to call a timeout during the announcement?
ED: Former Tickets Plus CEO,
Manuel Sanchez, gets probation and a $25K fine for defrauding the NFL
out of over $500K on Pro Bowl tickets. A half-mill on Pro Bowl tickets?
I didn't think anyone watched the game let alone attended.
OTHER ED: Roger Federer and Venus
Williams are your Wimbledon winners. Whee!
ED: Tony Stewart wins the
Pepsi 400, which took lie 17 days to complete or something. Man,
that had to be the greatest test of human livers ever.
BB: I
turn left.
ED: Thomas Hearns is going to
box again. We all curse ourselves for not putting him in the dead pool.
PR: Especially since I had
just watched that HBO thingy on Hearns v. Hagler. I am officially a
fool.
ED: Hey! The Tour
de France is underway. Did you know that Lance Armstrong had
cancer? Yeah. He did. I know-I know. How
is one supposed to know that? Inside sources, Jack. Inside
sources.