The Week That
Was
ED: Yep, Bill at 22 is now treading in
"failed prospect" territory.
Of course, he has TOOLZ! So MC Bowdes will always have an interest.
PR: The one
thing that sucks about Ed hating poker is that I totally wanted to steal Bill’s
thunder and babble to Ed about Bill’s fine fine James
Woods story. But then I realized Ed wouldn’t know nor would he care what I was
talking about. All he would be able to fathom was that Bill is too young to
know who James Woods is. And then I realized that my life sucks and I am old
and my fleeting moments of joy and not shared with anyone. That’s when I cried
for awhile before eventually realizing that I needed to go to work. Did I talk
about this last week? No – I have zero idea what my original point was.
BB: Stupid James
Woods. Stupid hot girlfriend younger than me. Stupid poker.
SOCCER
PR: Hey!
BB: I was too
busy holding a bike up. While watching PKs I wasn't
sure whether Fabien Barthez
was going to be the useless keeper or the unlikely hero - I should've just
stuck with useless keeper. I am pretty sure he still hasn't seen any of those
goals go in yet.
PR: The parade
of international retirements and coaching changes began. I’ll let you know when
the
BB: TEASE!!!!
RED BULLS!!!
PR: Fabio Capello leaves Juventus to coach
Real Madrid. Aww… Fabio apparently follows college
basketball.
BB: Wait - what
now?
PR: FIFA hates
BB: Wait - who
now?
PR: Shaka Hislop signs with FC
Dallas. MLS IS SIGNING THE STARS OF THE WORLD CUP!!!! BELIEVE!!!!
BB: Man, I hope
they get A Different World reruns in
MLB
ED: DL LIST!!!
Royals P Mike Wood (neck), Mariners OF Jeremy Reed (thumb), Mariners P Sean
Green (back), Phillies C Sal Fasano
(knee), Braves P Chris Reitsma (done for the year
with a bum elbow), Devil Rays P Tyler Walker (done for the season to get Tommy
John surgery), Mets P Pedro Martinez (hip), Dodgers PVC! Eric Gagne (done for
the year with back surgery), Blue Jays P Pete Walker (shoulder), Cubs P Kerry
Wood (done for the year with a torn rotator cuff)
PR: BUT DUSTY
BAKER SHOULDN’T LOSE HIS JOB!!!! A FINE FINE
MANAGER!!!! And yes, I wrote Dusty Rhodes as first. Mind you if Dusty Rhodes
was the manager he would leave the stadium thinking the Cubs had won only to
read the paper the next day to see that they had actually lost.
BB: I think the
Chris Reitsma dream is dead. I WAS RIGHT!!! Sal Fasano,
by the way, I can confirm is the sleaziest-looking man in baseball. Jesus. I
had to shower after watching the Phillies series.
Like sixteen times. Showering, not the series. Does that make me a bad fan? Am
I not SOSH-worthy? Would I not be allowed to fight alongside CURT'S paladin?
ED: ROSTER
MOVES!!! The Padres activate SAVIOR! Dave Roberts from the
DL. The Phillies call up C Chris Ruiz and OF
Chris Roberson and DFA P Adam Bernero. The Mets call
up P? Jose Lima and ship out P Heath Bell. The Indians activate OF Jason Michaels
from the DL and ship out 1B Ryan Garko. The Yankees
claim OF? Aaron Guiel off of
waivers from the Royals. The Twins ship out P Boof
Bonser. The Giants activate OF Moises
Alou from the DL. The Reds activate 3B Edwin Encarnacion from the DL and DFA Quinton McCracken. The Nats activate TOOLZ! Alex Escobar from
the DL and ship out P Mike O'Connor. The Phillies
activate P Jon Lieber from the DL. The
O's DFA OF Luis Matos. The
Mariners DFA DREAMY! Roberto Petagine.
PR: Aww… poor poor Petagine. He clearly was too productive in limit time for
the Mariners. And yes, we all immediately said “Well you know the Yanks will be
signing Matos”.
BB: My dad told
me that Kevin Thompson was going to be the centerpiece of a trade for Barry Zito. Yep - that's the 27 year old guy who slugged .350 in
AAA last year. Mmmm…WFAN. Let's go…sports fans. And Mets.
You too.
ED: TRADES!!!
The Angels trade P? Jeff Weaver to the Cardinals for OF Terry
Evans. The Cincinnati Reds pick up PVC!!! Eddie Guardado and cash from the Mariners for P Travis Chick.
PR: Jeff Weaver
will make a funny crappy Card to replace Sidney Ponson.
I am curious of how
BB: I was hoping
the chicken breasts were going to lead to Rich Garces.
ED: The All Star
rosters are announced. Proving yet again that people should
not be allowed to vote. And Ozzie Guillen
should stick with gay bashing.
BB: Come on.
MARK LORETTA!!! He's scrappy Ed. What are you? Right. Old. Not as old as Mark Loretta. But old.
ED: All Things Canseco - our man Jose first off, goes hitless in his
initial game with the San Diego Surf Dawgs, blasts MLB's steroid policy, then gets traded to the Long Beach
Armada of the independent Golden League.
BB: This is more
than I do in a year. He's got me beat.
ED: More Roid stuff - Barry Bonds' personal trainer, Greg Anderson
is sentenced to jail on contempt of court charges involving him refusing to
testify in the Bonds perjury case. Oh, and MLB denies Jose Canseco's
claims that their steroid testing plays any favorites.
PR: Is Pedro
Gomez obligated to make visits to see Greg Anderson? Are they conjugal?
ED: The Yankees
and Red Sox announce they have signed like half of
BB: I should
really take over the
ED: Mariners DH?
Carl Everett goes ballistic on Mariners Manager Mike Hargrove. No word is given
why Carl snapped - like it takes much - but suspicion is high that it involves
Barney night at Safeco.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Reds P Brian Shackelford is arrested for third degree sexual assault.
The man who is the mascot for the
PR: Can
Shackelford use the excuse that
CFL
ED: CFL
Commissioner Tom Wright announces he will not seek a new contract to be
commissioner beyond this season. Oh
yeah, you know I am hoping he can be considered for the NFL gig where he can
kill off teams I care nothing about.
PR: You just
like the idea that all the druggies will be allowed back into the league.
WEEK FOUR!!!
ED:
PR: Would
ED: Ricky Ray
proves yet again that he is the NY Jets best QB option as he leads
ED:
PR: Throw bags
of weed at him.
ED: Henry Burris
goes out of his head as
PR: And much
like Ray is the best Jets option, Henry Burris is the best Chicago Bears option
at QB.
NFL
ED: Steelers QB
Ben Overrated is going to be in a music video for something called the PovertyNeck Hillbillies. Oh yeah, you know this counts as
fine art in
PR: What exactly
is the video going to be about? Let’s watch Ben puree his food so he can eat
it.
BB: I like that
entry much better if that is a random-stream-of-Rippa-consciousness as opposed
to a video theme.
ED: All Broncos
All The Time - Denver WR Ashley Lelie
is holding out of camp because he is not the Broncos #1 WR. Broncos P Todd Sauerbrun faces a month suspension for testing positive for
ephedra. Former Broncos THIRD ROUND PICK! Maurice Clarrett signs with a semi-pro team.
PR: START UP
INDOOR LEAGUE!!! You know they are like Arena League. The both play indoors.
God Bless Meltzer.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Redskins S Sean Taylor is being sued by a man he allegedly waved a gun
at and punched repeatedly. Broncos QB? Jake Plummer is
offered a plea bargain deal to settle his road rage charges. Vikings WR Koren Robinson enters alcohol rehab.
PR: As long as
the room is climate controlled and the rehab classes aren’t run by Dennis Green
– Robinson should make it out of there alive.
NCAA
ED:
ED: Georgia
Southern football player Teddy Craft dead at 22 in a car accident.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Harvard football player and Captain Matthew Thomas is
arrested for attacking his girlfriend.
PR: This is the
most depressing NCAA section ever.
BB: That and me
and Sheldon Williams aren't Facebook friends any
more. Ouch.
NBA
ED: Lots of
playa movement, including Ben Wallace signing with the Bulls and the Pistons
replacing Wallace with Nazr Muhammed.
Some trades too. And everyone named Paxson now in the
Bulls front office. But none of the news involves Isiah
and the Knicks so we'll just move along.
PR: Larry Brown
took the JOY!!!! away from the Knicks.
Nate Robinson told me. He told me it in the third person but he told me that.
NHL
ED: Umm…yeah.
Well, so let's say, hypothetically, one would have a cube neighbor who is a
touch on the racist side. This is all hypothetical, of course. Let's just say
his enlightened views of minorities involve whiting out all holidays that
aren't American and/or Christian. Let's just say - hypothetically, of course -
that said cube neighbor takes a three day weekend and comes back to find that Cinco de Mayo is highlighted in Mexican green and red on
his calendar. Would you fess up to such if you knew about said actions and may
have possibly taken part? This is all hypothetical, of course. Oh, and some
players switched teams in hockey too. But that's not American. So one may
hypothetically have this all whited out. Not that the
NHL is not already whited out, mind you.
BB: Yeah - like
there is anything we can do to that.
OTHER
ED: The AFL and
NBC fail to reach an agreement for another year of Bon Jovi-Elway
TV. AWWWWESOME!!! No more Bon Jovi
or Elway on my TV without me having to kill either of
them? So God really doesn't want me to go to jail after all? Wow! I
am as baffled as the rest of you.
PR: When OLN or
VICTORY or SPIRIT or SWEAT or whatever the network is now called picks up the
AFL, they will clearly be marketing to the shutins
who like sports with boards that the players can crash into.
ED: Roger Federer wins the men's
ED: Jeff Gordon
wins the USG Sheetrock 400.
Well...yeah. I've got nothing.