The Week That Was 7/04/05 - 7/10/05

ED: Stealth, man. It's all about being stealth.

BB: Is that a nice way of saying no one’s reading this?

MLB

ED: Your weekly cripple list includes: Dodger ALL STAR!!! Cesar Izturiz (hammy), Marlins C Josh Willingham (forearm), Red Sox PVC Keith Foulke (knee), Braves Strong Safety Brian Jordan (knee), Yankees P Carl Pavano (shoulder), D'Backs P Shawn Estes (ankle), Marlins P Josh Beckett (oblique), Dodgers P Kelly Wunsch (ankle), LAA's 3b Dallas McPherson (hip), Blue Jays P Roy Halladay (broken leg), Nats 2B Junior Spivey (broken wrist)

BB: Very convenient how Spivey hurts himself right as Vidro comes back.

ED: Your VOTE-IN ALL STARS! are: for the AL White Sox SCRAP!!! Scott Podsednik and for the NL Atros P Roy Oswalt. Also, Phillies SS Jimmy Rollins and P Billy Wagner will replace Cesar Izturiz and Pedro Martinez for the NL side. God, is that going to be an All Star ensemble that will be inexplicable in 5 years. But nothing at all on this earth beats hearing Ken Harrelson explain why Scott PodSCRAPPINESS is a true all star.

BB: MATT CLEMENT!!! gets added to replace the crippled Roy Halladay. Rippa cries and cries and cries. Thank you Phil.

ED: Kenny Rogers apologizes for assaulting a couple of cameramen last week. Well, one upside of the London bombings is that the media has stopped whipping Rogers for five minutes. Of course, I write that not expecting to watch much of the All Star game since Joe Buck will have to publicly flog Rogers. I mean, Buck absolutely has to verbally abuse Rogers, doesn't he? Attacking a couple of innocent cameramen is far worse than fake moon-- Oh. Right. Rogers is white. OK. Joe Buck will leave him alone then.

BB: Oh there is no way Joe Buck will do anything but fellate K-Rog.

ED: Speaking of the Kenny Rogers issue, Red Sox P David Wells says the cameramen filming were committing an act akin to sexual assault. Uhh...Well, you gotta understand, there's no way David Wells would have any clue what it would be like to be sexually assaulted...unless he was swimming near Sea World.

BB: David Wells can’t swim so he dog paddles.

ED: Indians P Rafael Betancourt gets a 10 game suspension for violating the league's steroid policy. Well, this isn't what most people were referring to when talking about the Tribes pen having problems blowing up.

ED: Ohmygod! Red Sox P Curt Schilling is pitching out of the bullpen in his minor league rehab assignment, supposedly to see if he can take on the closer role while Keith Foulke is out. Ohmygod! Ohmygod!

BB: I believe the sock prophesized this, Ed.

ED: Ohhh, trade! The Red Sox send futility infielder Ramon Vazquez to the Indians for futility infielder Alex Cora. Whee!

BB: This is so the trade you make in fantasy that isn’t worth justifying the hassle of actually making people move around in real-life. Poor Cora family. Joey must be so upset.

ED: Players moving along: Red Sox DFA OF Jay Payton (reportedly on his way to Oakland), the Rockies sign P Mike DeJean. Man, if Kenny wasn't so stealth we'd have more to talk about.

BB: Stupid Gammons getting elected to the HOF the week of the trade deadline. Maybe we will have to resort to RANDOM GAMMONS!!!

ED: Devil Rays OF Chris Singleton asks for and receives his release from the team after he “misunderstood the team's offer to return to the major leagues, expecting to get paid more in addition to his current $550,000 salary.” Umm, all I'm saying is that if I'm Chris Singleton and I'm even making the major league minimum I laugh happily and keep my yap shut lest someone figures things out.

BB: Alfonso Soriano returns home for the birth of his third child. Oh Rippa….

CFL

WEEK THREE!!!

ED: Calgary tops Winnipeg, 21-15. God, that sounds like the most boring CFL game ever.

ED: BC tops Ottawa, 37-29. Aaron Lockett, baby!

ED: Montreal clips Edmonton at the buzzer, 32-29. That's DAMON Duval who kicked the winning field goal for Montreal, Phil. Relax.

ED: DAMON ALLEN!!! kicks the Roughriders in the jimmy late as Toronto takes Saskatchewon, 27-26.

SOCCER

BB: Steven Gerrard requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal requests a transfer signs a new deal till 2009 but he will end up at Madrid anyway. OOPS I SPOILED THE ENDING!

NFL

ED: Former Chiefs and Saint head coach and Hall of Famer Hank Stram dead at 82.

ED: Tim Brown signs a one-day contract with the Raiders and retires. God, if only Al had confused Brown and Kerry Collins' paperwork.

BB: Literally nothing else happened this week. NOTHING.

NBA

ED: Free Agent signings!!! The Sonics re-sign JESUS!!! Ray Allen, the Spurs re-sign Robert Horry, Michael Redd re-signs with the Bucks, Bobby Simmons signs with the Bucks, Larry Hughes signs with the Cavs…

BB: I am impressed Ed can make that sort of pop culture reference. You’ll also note that the “…” is added to the end of that list. That means you can fill in the rest yourself!

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! Nate McMillan is hired as the new Trailblazers coach (God help him), Terry Slots is hired as the new coach of the Bucks and Scott Layden is hired as an assistant with Utah.

BB: They don’t need a coach. They need a guidance counselor. That would rule, too.

ED: Mmm, police beat! Eddie Griffin is arrested for parole violation. Alan Henderson arrested for carrying a gun in his luggage. Gary Payton, Sam Cassell and Jason Caffey are being sued by a male exotic dancer for a beating outside of a strip joint.

BB: Actually – they are being sued by a guy who was dating a stripper who they hollered at. Just as good.

NCAA

ED: Florida State QB Wyatt Sexton - you know, the kid who had the freak out a few weeks ago - is diagnosed with Lyme disease and will miss the entire 2005 season. Yo, Wyatt. You wanna pass some of those ticks in the general direction of Oakland?

BB: They didn’t make any announcement at Bonnaroo about checking your body for ticks? Or STDs?

ED: Florida State LB Ernie Sims is arrested on domestic battery charges and may miss…one game. Aww, see if he was a Nebraska player…

BB: Former Met pitcher (name deleted by MLBPA request) takes over as pitching coach of Marshall. Marshall. Want to know how good a job this is? The previous pitching coach left to take over at “Georgia College & State University”.

OTHER

ED: London is awarded the 2012 Summer Olympics. Jersey City was jobbed!

BB: Hoboken is very unhappy.

ED: Dale Earnhardt Jr. wins the USG Sheetrock 400. Bill turns left.

BB: Hopefully not in your car. And yes – I know – you won’t give me a ride.

ED: The Atlanta Motor Speedway is hit by a tornado. Yeah. Yeah, that's too easy.

BB: What makes it even better is that the bowl shape of the speedway helped the tornado form. That makes me laugh and laugh.

ED: 15 year-old girl Michelle Wie just barely misses the cut at the PGA John Deere Classic. A 15 year old girl. Just barely misses the cut of the best golfers in the world. Now, anyone who wants to talk about golf being a sport can promptly shut the hell up.

ED: Bob Probert is arrested for fighting with a police officer. Ahh. C'mooooooon deadpool.

BB: Aw crap.

ED: Baseball and softball are kicked out of the Summer Olympics effective 2012. I would go on a rant about this cheesing me off. But since Olympic coverage did not include baseball, there's no way I can miss it.

BB: Secretly, Ed’s inside the park home run tape was sent to the USOC.

ED: Hey! Hockey news! Devils head coach Pat Burns resigns to battle cancer again. The Red Wings fire head coach Dave Lewis. The Blackhawks hire Trent Yawney as their new head coach.

BB: TRENT YAWNEY!!! That rules. Go Whale!