The Week That Was
(7/10/06
- 7/16/06)
ED:
Oh fine. YOOOOOOOOU spend forever in BMV Hell on your birthday and see
how bitter you sound.
BB: YOOOOOOOOOU lose all your money
to James Woods on your birthday and see how bitter you sound.
PR: YOOOOOOOU…. I got nothing this
week.
NHL
ED: Darryl Sutter steps down as
Calgary's coach and is replaced by Jim Playfair. In my mind, the Sutter
family have in-depth conversations with the Molina's. Phil can provide
you with the broken English and funny Canadian monologues.
BB: Ooh - ooh - I will let Phil mail
in the rest of this week if he just does this.
PR: Darryl Sutter: “Hey Ron. Those
Molina brothers all look same, eh?”
Ron Sutter: “Eh”
Brian Sutter: “Hey, lay off the
foreigners Darryl”
Darryl: “Get away from me old man.”
Bengie Moline: “Jose, Molina
brothers all look same.”
Jose Molina: “Si”
Gabe Molina: “¿Fellas, por
qué soy el hermano olvidado de Molina?
Bengie: “You disgrace family. You no
catcher. Make grandma cry.”
PR: Yeah – that’s all I got. I blame
this all on myself. Or on NAFTA.
MLB
ED: ALL STAR STARINESS STARRING ALL
STARS STARRING ALL!!! The AL beat the NL, 3-2. Rangers SS Michael Young
was the game's MVP. Phillies 1B Ryan Howard wins the home run hitting
contest. MLB Commissioner Bud Selig awards Roberto Clemente's widow
with the Historic Achievement Award for Clemente's humanitarian
efforts. Cubs P Carlos Zambrano is hurt before the game when White Sox
3B coach Joey Cora hits him in the elbow with a fungo bat. More
importantly, Reds P Bronson Arroyo was too smashed to attend a press
gathering the day before the game. And Marky Mark apparently was part
of the game too.
BB: Arroyo was apparently asked out
of the game itself for being hungover - two days later. Oh yeah. That
is a Northeastern-level alcohol tolerance if I've ever seen one.
ED: BESTEST ALL STAR GAME OF THEM
ALL - THE TRIPLE-FRIGGIN'-A GAME!!! Saw my BELOVED INTERNATIONAL
LEAGUE!!! whip the PCL, 6-0. Of course the highlight of that was Buck
Martinez pimping downtown Toledo as "beautiful." Obviously, Buck lost
his mind in the World Baseball Classic.
PR: Tony Gwynn Jr. goes 0-4 with 3
Ks. That earns him a call up to the big leagues. Ed reports that they
did try to show Tony Sr. but it was impossible since there was no blimp
coverage.
ED: MLB reaches a new 7 year TV deal
with FOX SPORTS!!! and TBS. Oooo, 7 more years of me wanting to put my
fist through a wall when listening to McCarver and Buck. YAY!
BB: Seven more years of material.
Wait - we have to run the site for seven more years? Aw crap. I better
get paid soon.
PR: At the rate we write, that’s
only about 7 more things to put out. Of course, we still have to figure
out a way around the NFL preview. Grr….
ED: DL LIST!!! Astros 3B Morgan
Ensberg (shoulder), Cubs P Mark Prior (oblique), Twins OF Lew Ford
(Oblique), Angels MONEYPIT! Kelvim Escobar (elbow), D-Backs SCRAP Craig
Counsell (ribs), Brewers CANADIAN! Corey Koskie (concussion), Braves P
John Thomson (shoulder), Twins OF's Shannon Stewart and Torii Hunter
(feet)
BB: Oh, tell me Koskie comes back
with a helmet on. And he should've wore a visor too. I hear that
sometimes. Hoser? Is that what the kids call it up there? Aww…I better
find out if I'm really moving there. TEASE!!!
PR: See – Bill wants ME to write the
Canadian conversation and then he busts out Hoser five paragraphs
later. Yup – we are working without a net here.
ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The Twins waive
DH? RUBER!!!!! Sierra and call up P Scott Baker and FAST!!! Jason Tyner
from the minors and activate Rondell White from the DL. The Red Sox
ship out P Jason Johnson to the deep-deep-deepest of minor leagues. The
Rangers ship out DH Jason Botts and call up OF Freddy Guzman. The
Astros ship OF Jason Lane to the minors. The Royals activate PVC? Mike
MacDougal from the DL. The Indians activate OF? Casey Blake from the
DL. The Yankees sign P? Sidney Ponson. The Mariners call up PROSPECT!!!
Adam Jones and ship out PROSPECT!!! Shin-Soo Choo. The Padres activate
P Doug Brocail from the DL. The Nats sign OF Luis Matos and DFA OF
Marlon Byrd. The A's ship out 1B Dan Johnson and activate OF Milton
Bradley from the DL. The Phillies activate C Mike Lieberthal from the
DL. The Pirates activate P Victor Santos from the DL. The Angels call
up PROSPECT! Howie Kendrick. The Reds claim OF Brandon Watson off of
waivers from the Nats and DFA P Estaban Yan. The O's ship P
Daniel Cabrera to the minors and call up P Adam Loewen. The
D-Backs call up PROSPECT! Stephen Drew. The Mets sign TOAST!
Edgardo Alfonzo. The Brewers call up LI'L JABBA Tony Gwynn Jr.
BB: I am not sure what Ed is trying
to say. Maybe he misspelled Ruben. Maybe he misspelled Rueben. Maybe he
meant to say Rubber and misspelled that. Maybe Ed just doesn't care. I
am not sure. And wasn't Leo Mazzone supposed to solve Daniel Cabrera?
And cancer? Inside his best friend? The cancer. Not Leo Mazzone. Right?
PR: This would have all been a lot
funnier if either Ed or I had saved the IM conversation.
ED: TRADES!!! The Astros pick up
3B/1B? Aubrey Huff and cash from the D-Rays for P Mitch Talbot and IF
Ben Zobrist. MC Bowdes AGAIN screws over the Cincinnati Reds - this
time as GM of the Nats - by somehow anally intruding the Reds and
forcing them to give up OF Austin Kearns, SS Felipe Lopez and PROVEN
COLLEGE CLOSER! Ryan Wagner for P's Gary Majewski, Bill Bray and Daryl
Thompson and SS Royce Clayton and IF Brendan Harris.
BB: Of course Buster Olney
immediately follows with how this is a good trade for the Reds. I am
beginning to think he is trying to emulate Gammons too much even
post-aneurysm.
ED: Coaching/Managerial/Front Office
Funniness - the D-Backs extend the contract of Manager Bob Melvin
through 2009. The Red Sox hire former Royals GM Allard Baird as a
special assignment scout. The Astros fire hitting coach Gary Gaetti and
replace him with Sean Berry.
BB: Yeah yeah but who is the Astros'
goatee coach? You don't look like a baseball player without a goatee.
Now you want to write that coaches column again, don't you old men?
Don't you!
PR: You want to grow a goatee. Don’t
you!
ED: Red Sox OF? Manny Ramirez may or
may not have a torn meniscus. Hmm, if only we knew someone who might
have some INSIDE SOURCES! with the black magic of online medical
guessing. If only.
BB: You mean Jay-Z?
ED: HEALTH CARE FUNNINESS!!!
A's DH Frank Thomas sues two White Sox team doctors for not detecting
that he had broken his foot in 2004. The Blue Jays seriously
super-duper double disinfect their showers after two Blue Jays have
come down with staph infections.
BB: Seriously, why isn't On the DL
updating this story for me? I want a reporter on the spot.
PR: God – who would be the Pedro
Gomez of this story? Ron Pitts? Does he do anything that isn’t the 13th
NFL game on Sundays?
ED: Dodgers P? Odalis Perez is
DISGRUNTLED!!! Stating the Dodgers are treating him like "trash." Well,
when your junk's got no funk, all you're throwing is trash, Odalis.
BB: Damaged goods
Send them back
I can't work
I can't achieve
Send me back
ED: HEY!!! The O's can even mess up
Brian Roberts bobblehead night as the bobbleheads of the ALL STAR! were
of a black man. One wonders what would happen if they had a Bruce Chen
bobblehead night.
BB: Leo Mazzone would fry them all
and they'd show up in Columbus next week. That one was easy.
PR: Man - as I sat here and tried to
think how I could possibly respond to this story it really became a
challenge of how racially insensitive I could get. And sadly I realized
that I couldn't print any of them. Of course, I tried to figure out a
way to say that instead the Orioles probably tried to fax one to Kaz
Matsui. And no one would understand. Boy we have been doing this site
too long.
BB: Why aren't we getting paid yet
damnit?!?
ED: Saturday, July 15th - or
as everyone calls it, Ed Day - featured no saves. That's
right. Not one save was recorded. For the first time
September 15, 1978, a full schedule of games was played and no saves
were recorded. The moral? I hate saves. Like anyone
in a fantasy league with me did not already know that. I also
apparently hate winning. But that's par for the course with being
an Ohioan.
PR: Just be thankful that you got
through a day without chest pains.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! The woman
accused of stalking Bob Uecker pleads not guilty. A's P Scott Sauerbeck
is fined $1750 and ordered to talk to kids about the evils of alcohol
after pleading guilty to fleeing police charges.
BB: "Make sure you always are
holding your drinks in your left hand so, when you get into a bar
fight, you don't punch people with your moneymaker."
PR: Aww…. I thought that was the
highest insult was if someone slapped you around with their moneymaker.
Of course – Bill and I could have different meanings for moneymaker.
The generation gap grows wider and wider. Stupid Bill not knowing who
Mimi Rogers is.
ED: MINOR LEAGUE FUN!!! Olympic
skier Bode Miller signs a one-game contract with the Nashua Pride of
the independent Can-Am League. Independent league Sioux Falls Canaries
allows 83 year old Jim Eriotes to have an at-bat for them.
CFL
ED: CFL NEWZ!!! Hamilton fires head
coach Greg Marshall and replace him with former Ti-Cats head coach Ron
Lancaster. BC WR Tony Simmons is out for the season with a torn ACL.
WEEK FIVE!!!
ED: Saskatchewan goes crazy with
that fancy-shmancy defense and sneaks by BC, 29-28.
PR: By fancy-shmacy do you mean
“pressured the quarterback”?
ED: Football decides to not totally
hate me this week as Hamilton edges Calgary, 20-17. Of course, if
football wanted to love me again, that stupid Pittsburgh-area EMT who
decided to save Ben Overrated would be taken out and shot.
ED: ANTHONY CALVILLO!!! decides
reminds us that he too is better than half the NFL startin QB's as he
throws for three TD's and runs for one more as Montreal whips Winnipeg,
44-16. Yeah. But did he have any near death
experiences? HUH?
PR: Maybe he should play without a
helmet.
NFL
ED: Cowboys S Keith Davis is shot
twice while driving on a Dallas highway. I really hope his alibi
is that he was disposing of the bullets for a friend. I hear that
works for Cowboys.
BB: He keeps his job but Quincy
Carter gets cut? No peace my friend. No peace.
ED: Ravens LB Roderick Green is
stabbed outside of a Maryland bowling alley. Ray Lewis…Oh come on.
That's too easy for even us.
BB: I can only assume he got it 4
cheap.
ED: Of course, if Ray needs to stab
again…not like he has before, of course - Ben Overrated can take 4-500
puncture wounds just based on his whole near death experience BS.
BB: Must…not…talk…about…book….
ED: Speaking of those who could
stand a good stabbing - Terrell Owens releases his new book "T.O" that
"…are my words, straight from me to you." This, oddly, contains a
passage in which he calls himself heroic that apparently are not really
his words. It's OK, li'l guy. I'm certain Jerry Jones' new face scared
you to the point of confusion.
ED: The Supplemental Draft went down
with the Bengals taking Virginia LB Ahmad Brooks in the third round.
This is roughly the equivalent of the Bengals stabbing themselves in
the jimmy. SYNERGY!!
BB: Nothing could be worse than
spending your first round pick on Dave Brown. DAVE BROWN! HE WENT TO
DUKE! FOR FOOTBALL!
PR: I enjoy that this is clearly
Bill’s most traumatic Giants memory.
ED: Former Seahawk WR Steve
Largent's son is indicted to soliciting an underage girl for sex. Of
course, no one should worry about anything happening. Lord knows, if
Jr. is like his Pop, he would run out of bounds before any contact was
made.
BB: Ah, and sometimes we haven't run
this site for nearly long enough.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Steelers FIRST
ROUND DRAFT PICK!!! Santonio Holmes pleads not guilty to disorderly
conduct charges and has his baby's momma attempt to drop the domestic
violence charges against him. Bengals LB Odell Thurman is suspended
four games for violating the league's substance abuse policy.
SOCCER
BB: The Red Bulls are apparently
about to name Bruce Arena coach/GM. No word on how Red Bull will affect
his incredibly effeminate sideline hand gestures. Ben Olsen now angling
for max contract with Red Bulls. Approximately 80000 more jokes left.
PR: Supposedly Jeff Agoos already
has a job in the front office. No I am not making that up.
BB: Freddy Adu gets named to MLS
All-Star team after being involved in a car accident returning from a
DCU game. Or practice. I couldn't be bothered to look it up. And he
wasn't named to the all-star team because of the car accident. I don't
think. Well, it wasn't for his play. This sentence structure was ugly.
I am not gonna rewrite it though. That would be wack. I didn't even get
my Hristo Stoichkov-hitting-him-with-his-car-for-a-studs-up-challenge
joke in. That's not a real word. And I just did I guess. This stuff
doesn't fly on Fox, kids. It only goes here.
PR: Maybe Freddy should still have
his mom drive him around. Oh wait – she was following him in her car
when the accident took place. Aww…
BB: Zinedine Zidane did not headbutt
anybody this week.
PR: Good – does this mean the 400
million youtube submissions featuring him will stop?
BB: A bunch of Italian teams get
relegated and giant point deductions and taken out of Europe. Juventus
is stripped of two Serie A titles. Stripes still not slimming enough.
NCAA
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Fresno
State basketball player Terry Pettis gets life in prison for murder.
ED: North Carolina baseball player
Andrew Miller is awarded the Roger Clemens Award as best college
pitcher. If this entails a life spent far too infatuated with the
letter K, I don't know.
BB: You meant best kollege pitcher,
right? Also good to see Word auto-corrects kollege with college. If you
aren't spelling it right on your admission essay, you're not getting in
there because of Word, kids.
ED: Univeristy of Miami football
player Willie Williams asks for his release. Overrated player? Check.
Criminal track record? Check. Yep. Welcome to Ohio State, Willie.
Please don't steal my car.
BB: Isn't there some sort of startup
Arena league he's supposed to join first?
NBA
ED: Stuff happened. Players moved
around. Nothing involving fantabulous Knick lunacy so we'll just move
along.
BB: You are forgetting the part
where the Knicks don't sign Jackie Butler because the Spurs offered him
a deal and they don't want to offend Jerome James. Yep. God knows the
Spurs don't know what they're doing and the Knicks do. I can't wait for
the Isiah comeback. PURE POINT!!!
OTHER
ED: Reports indicate that Indy Car
driver Danica Patrick is contemplating a jump to NASCAR. Ooooo,
perfect! I cannot wait until the Kotex car passes the Gordon rainbow
car. And NASCAR fans not knowing which one is the woman.
ED: Fellow Indy Car racer, Ed
Carpenter, when asked about Patrick's possible jump to NASCAR, says she
could do well as she's an aggressive driver when it's "the right time
of the month." Yep. Ol' Ed is a man who will not be getting much sex
for a while.
BB: He is an Indy Car driver. He
isn't getting laid anyway.
ED: HEY!!! THE WNBA ALL STAR GAME
HAPPENED!!! The East wins their first game, 98-82. I really don't want
to know if this entailed the right time of the month, thank you.
BB: WE'RE NOT ALL LESBIANS!!!!
PR: The WNBA? FoxSports.com? I am so
confused.
ED: Kyle Busch wins the Lenox
Industrial Tools 300. Maybe while having a tampon inserted.
Maybe not. Who knows?
PR: Aww… I was trying so hard to
make a joke since Busch and tampon were used in the same sentence. God
I suck. Let’s end this week.