The Week That Was
(7/11/05 - 7/17/05)
ED: Ed Agner
BB: Bill Barnwell
PR: Phil Rippa
ED: God I'm old.

BB: I am guessing Ed got one of those “When you were born, the #1 single on your birthday was IT’S TOO LATE BY CAROLE KING!!!” sets. Which of course make no sense, since you were being born and weren’t exactly paying attention to the top 40 charts and usually the music will be about fifteen years ahead of anything you remotely remember or have any sort of interest in. But hey – let’s make money.

BB: The website I found that link on also says that to find the theme song of your life, find the song that was #1 when you were eighteen. For me – that is “Hot in Here” by Nelly. I can assure you that this is as far from the truth as humanly possible.

PR: I am more depressed that you apparently turned 18 two months ago. Of course, the song on my birthday is Laughter in the Rain by Neil Sedaka. My life gets a little worse each and every day.

MLB
ED: Your weekly cripple list includes: Giants P Jesse Foppert (neck), Tigers P Troy Percival (forearm), Cubs OF Adam Greenberg (concussion), Reds P Ryan Wagner (shoulder), Yankees P Chien-Ming Wang (shoulder), Indians P Matt Miller (forearm), Pirates OF/1B Craig Wilson (broken finger), Cardinals C Yadier Molina (broken hand)

BB: Adam Greenberg HAS to be a stage name. But, then again, now he’s just a boy with a new haircut and that’s a pretty nice haircut.  Of course – I also think Molina is a Caribbean Brand Name at this point, assigned to any catcher without the ability to slug .400 with any sort of frequency.

PR: The Nats Tony Blanco is also on the DL due to vertigo. David Duval sent a sympathy card.

ED: The AL again beats the NL in this year's All Star game - this year the final being 7-5. You know, Bud is always trying to tweak the AS game and all. And that's fine. Not like I watch much of them anyway. But HERE'S a proposition for him. In an effort to make the game more interesting, just split the AL team into two squads. Doesn't matter how. East-West. North-South. Yankees-Red Sox v. the rest. Whatever. Make the AL game the All Star game and let the National League team take on someone they have a chance of beating for once. Like the AAA All Stars. OK, better make that the AA All Star team, I guess. You figure it out, Bud. You're the commish with all the nifty ideas.

BB: Ooh – I know. How about SMARTBALL vs STUPIDBALL! Joe Morgan can manage the White Sox (well, he can co-manage with Ozzie, as difficult as that sounds) and Michael Lewis can manage the A’s and Joe Morgan can remain horribly confused as to who he is.

PR: When I first read that I thought “Well, of course, Morgan would be confused since he hates all the things that made him a great player. It’s like he is Lenin and he is trying to crush capitalism”. Then I realized that Bill was saying Morgan was confused to who Lewis was because he got confused as to who wrote the book. Then I just decided that since I had ruined the joke for myself, I was going to ruin it for everyone else too.

ED:  The Pacific Coast League stomps the International League 11-5, in the AAA All Star game - and only All Star game that I cared about.  

BB: We are so doing the International League Fantasy Draft next year. TEASE!

PR: That would be more enjoyable than any fantasy draft I had.

ED: Phillies OF Bobby Abreu wins the home run hitting contest to become…THE INTERNATIONAL MASTER OF THE BIG DONG!!! Crap. I guess I can't put that on my resume anymore.

ED:  Orioles penis pill pitchman Rafael Palmeiro collects his 3000th hit.  If that hit was to last more than 4 hours he was to...yeah-yeah, you know.

BB: ESPN kept spelling his name on the front as Palmiero which, for some reason, made me think of a Rafael Palmeiro breakfast cereal: PALMIERO’S! Little stiff blue crusty likenesses of Palmeiro (think Keebler elf) with a thick black mustache. One box in 100 has REAL PALMEIRO MUSTACHE HAIR!

ED: More player movement!!! The Devil Rays sign P Joe Borowski. The Mets sign 16 year old Dominican Fernando Martinez to a $1.4 million deal. The Nationals sign P Mike Stanton.  The Orioles DFA P Steve Reed.  The Blue Jays DFA P Justin Miller.  Marlins P Al Leiter DFA'd...to go into our next item.  The Devil Rays DFA P Hideo Nomo.  The Yankees DFA P Tim Redding.  The Red Sox sign MUSCLES!!! Gabe Kapler.  The Mets DFA OF/1B Brian Daubach.

BB: Fernando Martinez HAS to be a stage name. And you gotta pay your dues before you pay the rent lil fella. I’m also guessing it was difficult for Gabe to make his trips to Mexico when he was living in Japan.

ED:  TRADES!!!  The Mariners send 2B Bret Boone and cash to the Twins for the ol' PTBNL. The Red Sox get rid of OF Jay Payton to the A's for P Chad Bradford.  The Nats send P Zach Day and OF J. J. Davis to Colorado for OF Preston Wilson and cash.  The A's send OF Eric Byrnes to Colorado for P's Joe Kennedy and Jay Witasick.  The Marlins send P Al Leiter and cash to the Yankees for the ol' PTBNL.

BB: Ed originally spelled Witasick as Watasick which Word suggested “Water-sick” for. Having Jay Witasick on your team is sorta like what I’d imagine being water-sick being like. Friend of VP Chris Tomkinson is correct when he points out that the Marlins sending the Yankees cash is, after revenue sharing, like buying your friend a birthday gift with his own money.

PR: I like the fact that the Yanks had agreed to trade Mike Stanton for Al Leiter but Stanton invoked his no trade clause. Of course, why Mike Stanton had a no trade clause explains a lot of the reasons the Yanks have some bad bad contracts on their hands.

ED: MLB announces the brackets for the first World Baseball Classic. The US is grouped in with Canada, Mexico and baseball powerhouse South Africa. Most people, like Gary Sheffield, couldn't care less.

BB: Gary Sheffield RULES. Q&D!

ED:  The 1980 Philadelphia Phillies will hold a reunion in an Atlantic City casino.  Oh, come on!  How can they not expect the easy Pete Rose jokes when they do something like that?

PR: Aww.. now they are just stealing ideas from Sports Illustrated. Are they all going to start playing online poker next?

BB: The Phillies will be placing their money on 33 Red. I will be placing my money – and my hopes - on Legionnaire’s.

ED:  Braves C Johnny Estrada gets a three-game suspension for bumping an umpire.  Great.  Like this won't somehow be turned into another "Bobby Cox is s genius" story.

ED:  Red Sox P David Wells is suspended six games for bumping umpires.  C'mon.  Look at David Wells.  Do you really think he can avoid bumping umpires with his girth?

BB: Didn’t I make that joke like three WTWs ago? Oh well.

PR: That’s fine I think we have reported Jay Payton being traded for 4 straight weeks.

ED:  Three more minor league players are suspended for violating the league's substance abuse policy regarding steroids.  Pshew!  It's good MLB's getting rid of the real steroid problem!

BB: Come on. Brian Roberts is BEYOND REPROACH!!!

ED: Former Dodger C Mickey Owen - infamous for dropping a called 3rd strike in the 1941 WS - dead at 89.  One could now make a joke about dropping Owen, but not me.

BB: Owen Hart?

CFL
WEEK FOUR!!!
ED: Winnipeg beats Edmonton, 14-12 in a game that should not have been witnessed even by POW's.

PR: Does that mean the terrorist have won?

ED: Dave Dickensen throws carves up Toronto as BC holds off the Argos, 30-22.

ED: Joseph Ranek runs wild as Ottawa handles Calgary, 33-18.  

ED: And Hamilton plays Saskatchewan after I send this out to Bill and Phil.  It's safe to say that Saskatchewan will handle the TiCats easily enough.  Stupid crappy Danny McManus.

BB: Like I am putting in the effort to go look this up.

PR: Saskatchewan 32, Hamilton 13 – even when he is write, Ed is unhappy.

SOCCER
BB: Patrick Vieira loses £14 million of value in a year as the rumors of his move to Juventus go from yearly-joke-status to why-hasn’t-anyone-said-this-isn’t-happening status to the his-form-wasn’t-so-good articles to pictures of Vieira in the thinning stripes. Arsenal signs Alexander Hleb for £9.4 million and there are articles about how Hleb is going to replace Vieira which would be great – if Hleb wasn’t a winger and Vieira a defensive midfielder. Poor poor journalism.

PR: Aww… that sounds like something the AI in CM would certainly do.

BB: Chris Kirkland moves to WBA on a year-long loan from Liverpool. Liverpool to release Kirkland on a free transfer after the year, where he is signed by whoever I am managing and spends the next 10 years collecting England caps. Oh – this isn’t CM.

PR: Aww… Jon Dahl Tomasson left AC Milan to join Stuttgart. Not Shevchenko means I don’t care.

BB: I should really write about my Djurgarden team. ELITSERIEN!!! I am so proud of them.

PR: I assure you that if someone sends me a copy of Football Manager – we will write the entire EPL and League Championship preview based on the results.

PR: Hey – the Gold Cup was taking place and Steve Cherundolo got crippled. I need to send the Jamaican who did a gift.

NFL
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Dolphins TE Randy McMichael arrested for domestic violence…again. Well, at least his wife wasn't pregnant this time. Former Bears QB Bob Avellini arrested for DUI. Chiefs CB Eric Warfield gets a four-game suspension for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Titans first-round pick Pacman Jones arrested on assault and vandalism charges. Cardinals LB Leon Joe is facing charges on carrying a gun without a license. Redskins S Sean Taylor faces another hearing on his gun charges and is allowed to travel to training camp…if he wants to show.  Former NFL player Darion Conner sentenced to 15 years for killing a bicyclist while drunk.  Falcons DT Rod Coleman arrested for disorderly conduct.

BB: Leon Joe HAS to be a stage name. Run from the pigs, the fuzz, the cops, and the heat little buddy.

PR: Oh yeah, Randy McMichael is quickly shooting up my list of players I will loathe for 50 years. And maybe Darion Conner needed to get Pele’s son’s lawyer.

ED:  The Dolphins select USC DT Manuel Wright in the fifth round of this week's supplemental draft.  Mmm, pissed away money.

BB: SECOND ROUNDER!!! LEN TOLD ME!!! The supplemental draft is just basically just some bizarre bluffing game and I love it. The Giants had the first pick in each round and I am shocked they didn’t use the first overall pick to draft Wright (and lose their first rounder) just because they were excited.

PR: Aww… maybe Dave Brown ended up being good for something after all.

ED:  Jets CB Donnie Abraham retires.  You know who the Jets really need to replace him with?  A failed Cowbo..Oh.  Ahem.  See below.

ED: Dallas trades CB Pete Hunter to the Jets for a conditional 2006 draft pick.  I like the concept of all those failed Cowboys ending up with the Jets.  It's been a while since the NYPD has senselessly beaten someone.

BB: Aww, they built a lane on the other side of the Parcells Player Highway. When do the Jets get Anthony Pleasant? Dave Meggett?

PR: Richie Anderson? Bryan Cox? Pepper Johnson? Zeke Mowatt? Matt Bahr? Reyna Thompson? Jumbo Elliot? William Roberts? Adrian Murell? Terry Glenn? Ray Lucas?

ED:  The Colts sign former Kansas City Royals failed first round pick, Roscoe Crosby.  Aww, crap. He seemed like such the perfect Chief.

BB: No way Ed. The Chiefs like their receivers without any possibility of potential. Johnnie Morton? Never getting any better. Eddie Kennison? Like he’s putting the effort in. Dante Hall? Aww...

PR: MVP! MVP!

ED:  The Broncos trade CB Willie Middlebrooks to the 49ers for DE John Engelberger.  Beautiful!  One more crappy player from one more crappy team to repair Denver's D-line!  God bless Mike Shanahan!

BB: Mmmm...genius. Sweet sweet genius.

ED:  The Bills may or may not have traded RB Travis Henry to Tennessee.  Possibly.  Maybe.  Who knows?  But that has to score high on Bill's team finder.

PR: So is Henry going to get arrested on his way from Buffalo to Tennessee?

ED:  Stupid headline writers!  Like you wouldn't have clicked this headline too - "NFL introduces Mexico to first regular-season game on foreign soil."  I was hoping for more info on Michael Vick's herpes.

BB: Is this like when porn stars go to Brazil and get AIDS?

ED:  A Pittsburgh man is arrested for allegedly getting dates by claiming to be Steelers QB's Ben Roethlisberger and Brian St. Pierre.  He's also charged with criminal mischief for signing a jersey as Roethlisberger.  Oh, that's too wonderful for words.

BB: The great thing is that the guy looks like a total goof with a beer gut. There’s no way this guy should be charged with anything – if any woman was comically dumb enough to actually believe him, they really deserve it at this point.

PR: The only thing I could think of was the guy I went to AU with who was a Steelers fan and who looked exactly like Neil O’Donnell. I wonder if he ever tried to pull that scam.

ED: Former Oilers and Saints head coach Bum Phillips undergoes a triple bypass. No word on if he woke up from the surgery to cripple Earl Campbell some more.

BB: Who’s Earl Campbell?

ED: NBC hires away Cris Collinsworth from FOX!!! to be their studio analyst and co-host of Sunday Night Football beginning in 2006. Wow! Way to find someone we can all hate even more than Bob Costas!

BB: Ooh, I know who Cris Collinsworth is!!

PR: Oh yeah – I so came up with exactly who Fox would hire as Collinsworth’s replacement and it would make Ed cry… Boomer Esiason.

BB: Yes – I know who Earl Campbell is you jerks.

NBA
ED: MORE FA SIGNINGS!!! The Heat re-sign F Udonis Haslem, the Knicks sign C Jerome James, the Cavs re-sign C Zydrunas Ilgauskas, the Bucks re-sign C Dan Gadzuric, the Clippers sign G Cuttino Mobley (sweet-sweet copy & paste)

BB: Word suggests: Adonis Harlem, Syrians (no spelling suggestion), Gad uric, and Caution Mobley.

PR: Oh yeah – like Adonis Harlem is going to be the name of a character in the next Grand Theft Auto game.

NCAA
ED: Missouri football player Aaron O'Neal dies after a voluntary workout. He was 19. Ugh.

BB: Yay voluntary workouts.

PR: Was Dennis Green in charge of the voluntary workout?

ED: The BCS creates a new poll to replace the Associated Press football poll. Yes, this will solve the playoff problem! Oh yes it will.

BB: Players dying in “voluntary” workouts? No problem. That stuff happens. You know what’s really important? Coming up with more ridiculous polls to give people with no employable skills unnecessary relevance and money.

ED: The South Carolina football program admits to 10 rule violations - five major - from 1999-2002. Rules violations under Lou Holtz? Perish the thought!

PR: Surprise that he is now employed by ESPN. Of course, this harms Steve Spurrier so I approve.

ED: Michigan State WR Agim Shabaj enters the 2005 Supplemental NFL draft. Surprisingly, the Lions resisted the temptation of another WR.

BB: Aim Shabbat.

ED: LSU DE Chase Pittman is suspended from the team for getting into a bar fight.  Bah!  At Ohio State, that...yeah-yeah.  Insert Ohio State joke here.

ED:  The University of Kansas basketball program is being investigated by the NCAA for giving gifts to graduating players - a violation going back to former head coach, and current North Carolina head coach Roy Williams.  Meh.  Like anything will happen to Kansas.

BB: I think that picture that got posted on the board pretty much sums up that whole situation pretty well. No – not the Hashimoto one.

NHL
ED: Hey! Remember the NHL? Yeah, well, neither do I. But the union and owners have reached a new collective bargaining agreement. Russian Mafioso's rejoice in being able to get their payoffs again!  

BB: Ed clearly doesn’t understand that they’ve all moved to soccer in the meantime. CSKA!!!

ED:  Since the league's back and all, a couple of teams suddenly realize that they need to hire some coaches - The Red Wings hire Mike Babcock and the Devils hire Larry Robinson.

OTHER
ED: Tiger Woods wins the British Open.  I don't care.

PR: David Duval hurts back sneezing. Sammy Sosa sends sympathy card.

BB: Michelle Wie does or doesn’t qualify for a golf tournament. I don’t remember and I don’t care enough to check.

ED: Tony Stewart wins the New England 300.  Somehow the surrounding violence is left for the Tiger-Royal game.

BB: Wasn’t that in New Hampshire? How did the violence get to Detroit?

ED:  Oh yeah, Danica Patrick loses again in the Firestone 200.  Now will people PLEASE quit talking about her?  Please?  And Lance Armstong too.  God, just make them both go away.  Please??  Pretty please?  

BB: Aww...they will mate and you will cry and then Sheryl Crow will write an album about getting dumped and America and you will kill.

PR: I am taking it that Ed wasn’t fantasizing about her nipples when he wrote that paragraph.

ED: Kobe Bryant's father, Joe, is hired as an assistant coach by the LA Sparks. Well, it beats hiring Kobe, I reckon.

BB: There’s something really funny about Bill Laimbeer becoming a NBA coaching candidate by coaching a WNBA team. I mean, WNBA strategy basically has all the merit of the CYO games I played in as a kid – get your best player in the game and give her the ball as often as possible. If there was a slot on the team for the coach’s daughter to get too many minutes, it would be perfect.

ED:  Minnesota Lynx G/F Katie Smith becomes the first American woman to score 5000 points professionally.  If you feed her a sugar cube, she'll stomp to 5000 for you too.

PR: With or without tearing her ACL?

ED: Detroit Shock G Elaine Powell is suspended five games for hitting Washington Mystics G Coco Miller. Hey!  Three WNBA items!  Who says we ignore our lesbian readership?

BB: Justin is a lesbian????

PR: Basically what Ed is trying to say is that our readership is comprised of people who will never sleep with Bill.

ED:  A Pennsylvania T-ball coach is arrested for allegedly paying one of his players $25 to hit a mentally disabled teammate in the head with a baseball so the coach wouldn't have to play the kid.  Oh yeah.  I can only imagine what Derek Jeter is getting offered by Steinbrenner to bean Tony Womack.

BB: How can I top that?