The Week That
Was
ED: Bitterness, graffitti,
natural disasters and some crap in
BB: Is that your
Ozzfest review?
BB: Phil is
homeless I think right now. I told him he should've become a karaoke DJ. But
did he listen? NO.
MLB
ED: The Blue
Jays DFA SCRAP!!! Shea Hillenbrand after Blue Jays
Manager John Gibbons is all like - YO!
Your tags are some weak stuff, MC SCRAP.
And Shea was like OH! NO YOU DIDN'T JUST DIS MY TAGS! I HAVE THE ILLEST TAGS IN ALL THE EASTERN
PROVINCES! And Gibbons is all like,
SCRAPPAH, PLEASE!!! I AM OLD SCHOOL,
BITCH!!!! I saw Straw and Doc lay down phat tags on Davey Johnson's
boards way back when you were suckin' on yo' mama's teet, kid. You get that weak stuff out of here, boyeeeeee! And Shea's all like - I got your weak stuff right here, old
man! Tags to the death, bitch! And Gibbons is all like Bring
it on, He Who Cannot Be Fitted Into A Batting Helmet! And Shea's all like
- Man, I don't need to show everyone how weak you are, Piazza. And Gibbon's all like - PIAZZA?!?!?!?! PIAZZA?!?!?!?! Throw down, bitch! Come on!
Throw down, Scrappy McScrap! Or something. Just imagine all that with a Canadian accent
and you get the point. Err, uhh, "get the point" wasn't supposed to be a pun
on JP taking press calls when at the accupuncturist,
of course. And obviously, you know the
Jays will now go on a monstrous tear and you will despise ever hearing anything
about this.
BB: Did Shea pout when his mom didn't acknowledge the first time he
successfully ate his peas?
ED: TRADES!!!
The Indians send P Mike Adams to the Padres for P Brian Sikorski.
The Royals send 2B Ruben Gotay to the Mets for 2B
Jeff Keppinger. The Braves pick up ALL TIME INDIANS
SAVE LEADER!!! Bob Wickman for C
Max Ramirez. The Blue Jays send
Hillenbrand and P Vinny Chulk
to the Giants for P Jeremy Accardo. The Padres pick up GUTLESS!!! Scott Williamson from the Cubs for P's Fabian Jimenez and Joel
Santo.
BB: I assume the
Bob Wickman-Drew Carey pants-sharing arrangement is
off now. Maybe Wickman got angry because Carey's
pants spelled like Landon Donovan's rug?
ED: ROSTER
MOVES!!! The Nats activate P's Tony Armas Jr. and Tomokazu Ohka from
the DL, DFA NON-CATCHER! Matt LeCroy and call up P
Mike O'Connor. The Padres activate LOOGY! Alan Embree from the DL and DFA 3B Vinny
Castilla. The Red Sox activate MANNYCITO!!!
Wily Mo Pena from the DL, call up P Jermaine Van
Buren from the minors, ship out P Javier Lopez and DFA SPEED!!! Willie Harris.
The White Sox release P Cliff Politte. The D-Backs
call up PROSPECT!!! Carlos Quentin. The O's call up FPotM
Fernando Tatis and ship out PROSPECT!!! Hayden Penn.
The Astros ship out P Wandy
Rodriguez. The Tigers activate WIFE BEATER! Dmitri Young from the DL. The Cubs activate P Mark Prior from the DL. The Phillies
DFA C Sal Fasano. The Angels activate MONEYPIT! Kelvim Escobar
from the DL.
BB: Having
watched Willie Harris for ten weeks now it is absolutely unfathomable he had a
starting gig at one point. Unfathomable. On the other
hand, it is unfathomable that Wily Mo Pena would not be your favorite baseball
player. My friend wanted to bet that Wily Mo would not touch a Barry Zito curve
all game and strike out three times and I had to try and get odds laid in my
direction to make the bet fair. VIVA WILY MO!!!
ED: DL LIST!!!
Reds OF Dave Ross (abdominal strain), Rockies IF Omar Quintanilla (shin), Nats OUT! Damian Jackson (esophageal spasms)
UNINTERESTING
SIDEBAR:
Ed: OK
Ed: WTF is
"esophageal spasms"?
Phil: basically
exactly what they sound like
Ed: hiccups?
Phil: well more
serious than that
Phil: basically
your throat involuntarly closes
Ed: aww
Ed: A-Rod-itis?
Phil: hehehehehe
Royals P Scott Elarton (shoulder), Brewers SS JJ Hardy (done for the
season with a shredded ankle), D-backs F Tony Clark (shoulder), Dodgers 2B Jeff
Kent (oblique), Nats OF Jose Guillen
(elbow), Red Sox P Tim Wakefield (ribs), Royals OF Reggie Sanders (thigh), Reds
P? Kent Mercker (elbow)
BB: Elarton's done for the season too. Well, the Royals are
done for the season. But Elarton won't be pitching
all year.
ED: The Seattle
Mariners team plane was evacuated before leaving Toronto Sunday night after a
conveyor belt loading the teams luggage onto the plane caught fire. The funny
part:
Ed: OK
Ed: this amused
me
Ed: in the story
about the Mariners being evacuated from their plane...
Ed: "I was
sitting there watching the women's golf playoff," Hargrove said, "and
our traveling secretary came walking through the plane saying we have to get
off the plane now, so we got off the plane. As I understand it, the belt loader
caught on fire. I don't think the plane was ever in danger."
Ed: he was
watching the women's golf playoff?
Ed: AND admitted
to it?
Ed: Grover likes
him some lesbians
Phil: Aww.... Grover likes Anika Sorenstam
Ed: hehehe
Phil: Or kiddie porn in the hopes that Michelle Wie
we be shown
Ed: aww
Ed: I wonder if
he was sitting there with Carl Everrett
Ed: and if Carl
wondered why they were not barefoot and pregnant
Phil: Carl
probably was wondering why the men hadn't clubbed them over the head and were
dragging them around the course
Phil: by the
hair of course
Ed: obviously
ED: Mets 3B
David Wright's TV ads for a faith healer are pulled when the Mets realize even
they are not crazy enough to want any part of that. And when the Mets are not
insane enough for something, you know you are out there.
BB: Well at
least they are a little more authoritative than Cliff Floyd's ads for a faith
healer would be. Poor poor cripple.
ED: MASS
BITTERNESS!!! Royals 1B? Doug Misspelling is still
bitter about the whole Red Sox-World Series baseball dealie.
D-Backs WORLD SERIES HERO! Luis Gonzalez is bitter about being benched in favor
of Carlos Quentin. Yankees OF Johnny Damon is bitter about a baby gear maker
producing “Damon Sucks” bibs.
BB: I am still
bitter about James Woods and his younger-than-me girlfriend…
ED: MLB
announces that the Washington DC government is in default of their deal to
build the Nats a new ballpark. Obviously, this means
MC Bowdez is gonna try to
swindle the Reds out of their NEW BALLPARK for a couple of relievers and
Christian Guzman.
BB: OH! Bowden's
collecting toolsy guys so they can carry the stadium
back to
ED: A monstrous
storm does damage to the new Busch Stadium, blowing out press box windows,
overturning portable concession stands and ripping up the tarp. Ahhh! Good to know even God hates Joe Buck. Next time don't
miss, Big Guy.
ED: Cubs Manager
Dusty Baker cancels an appearance on Screamin' A Smith's Quite Frankly ESPN show when word gets out that
ESPN was trying to recruit audience members to attend the show just to boo
Baker. Of course, the invite was only sent out to the three ESPN Mobile
subscribers in existence so no one was slated to attend the program anyway.
ED: Roid Stuff. Mets minor league P Timothy Haines is suspended
50 games for violating the minor league performance enhancement policy. Bonds. Etc.
BB: Do you think
if I write Foxwoods and tell them James Woods'
20-year-old girlfriend was playing at the casino and threaten them with a
lawsuit, I could get my money back?
ED: MORE
INDEPENDENT LEAGUE ZANINESS!!! Buck O'Neal becomes the oldest person to play in
a professional baseball game when the 94 year old takes a lead off walk in the
independent Northern League all star game. Jose Canseco
wins the independent Golden League home run derby and they gets
roughed up as a pitcher in the game.
Golden State Warrior Troy Murphy serves as 3rd base coach for the
independent Newark Bears for one game.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Reds P Brian Shackleford has his charges
sexual assault charges against him dropped by the Milwaukee DA. Cubs 3B coach
Chris Speier is busted for DUI. Jose Canseco gets
questioned by the cops after an altercation with some woman in a hotel room.
BB: Aww…Shack can get back on match.com now.
CFL
WEEK SIX!!!
ED: Blue
Bomber's WR Milt Stegall crushes the sad hopes of the
little Eskimos with a 100 yard TD in the last seconds as Winnipeg tops
Edmonton, 25-22.
ED: Montreal K
Damon Duval crushes my love of football even further with a late field goal to
lift the Als over the
Ti-Cats, 41-38.
ED: BC slaps
around Calgary, 43-20 thanks to Joe Smith running wild and laying down the phatest tags in all of BC.
ED: Toronto tops
Saskatchewan, 26-23, and loses Ricky Williams to a broken arm in the
process. Aww. American's return to
ignoring the CFL all over again.
NFL
ED: Dr. James
Nicholas, the man who cut into Joe Namath's knees
repeatedly, dies at 85. Former Rams and Bears DE Len Teeuws
dies at 79. Former Browns Captain Galen Fiss dies at 75.
ED: Patriots
head coach Bill Belichick is named as “the other man” in a New Jersey divorce
case. And somehow, this case does not involve Peter King.
BB: If it were,
say, the other side of a man…
ED: The US
Senate passes a resolution commemorating the NFL's 60th anniversary of
integration. Yeah, talk to Warren Moon about the NFL's shiny-happy integration.
BB: Hey - the
NFL LOVES integrating black people. They just have to have hairlines that
recede less than
ED: The Annual
Football Sings O' The New Year A-Coming - A PLAYER WHO'S DISGRUNTLED WITH HIS
CONTRACT DEMANDS A TRADE!!! (Titans RB Chris Brown in this case.) And of
course, Eagles RB Correll Buckhalter
is placed on the PUP list. And Rams RB Marshall Faulk is injured again - and
likely also done for the season. Now all we need is for Steve McNair to sprain
his vagina and Brett Favre to say something dumb and
we'll be all set for training camps.
BB:
I…um…uh…can't say that on foxsports.com?
ED: The 49ers
are discussing a move to
ED: The son of
the late John Facenda, the man renowned as the voice
of the NFL, sues the league for using his father's voice in the "The
Making of Madden 2006" show. Ooo. I wonder if Rich Eisen's
kids will try to protect their pop's smarm 50 years
from now.
BB: It's funny, I always thought the man renowned as the voice of the
NFL was Leatherman.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Dr. James Shortt, the man who prescribed 'roids to the Carolina Panthers gets a year and a day in
jail. Seahawks T Sean Locklear gets community service for his domestic assault dealie. Former Patriots LB Ted Johnson and his wife are
arrested for assaulting each other. Bengals Matthias Askew is arrested for resisting arrest and
obstructing offical business when he refuses to move
his car when requested by Cincinnati cops. Bears TE John Gilmore is busted for
pot possession.
BB: We really
need a weekly Bengals Trouble List at some point.
SOCCER
BB: Zinedine Zidane suspended for
three games he won't play. He should really retire from international football
again in fake protest.
BB: Red Bulls
officially name Bruce Arena coach.
BB: Ruud Van Niistelrooy requests to leave Manchester United.
He is sick of waiting for his chance in the first team and demands first team
football.
NCAA
ED:
BB: One Georgian
down…
ED:
PR: Aww... maybe they will be my friends. Stupid
another form of social rejection.
ED: Clemson
football recruit Jamie Cumbie accuses Notre Dame's
head coach Charlie Weis of saying negative things about Clemson while
recruiting him. Weis comes back with, "If supporting Notre Dame academics can be misconstrued as speaking down on another
school's academics, call us guilty." OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!! I get it now! So
Beano Cook was lusting after Ron Pawlus' academic
potential all those years. Got it. Thanks, Charlie.
PR: Weis probably
mocked the food. Because we all know that is one area he knows.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Oklahoma State basketball player Torre
Johnson is dismissed from the program. Former Navy QB Lamar S. Owens Jr. is
acquitted of rape charges. Duke QB Zack Asack is suspended
for the season for attacking a strip--Whoops. Wrong Duke players.
He's suspended for plagiarism.
NBA
ED: The Seattle
Super Sonics are sold to an Oklahoma City business group. The group declares
they want to keep the Sonic in Seattle. Insert bombing/WTO riot jokes here.
BB: I'm
surprised you don't want me to insert a Pearl Jam joke here.
ED: Stuff.
Trades.
Free agent signings, etc. Spin
the black circle.
BB: Oh. There it
is.
NHL
ED: The
Islanders fire GM Neil Smith and replace him with former Islanders goalie Garth
Snow. The most stunning thing to me is not that Smith was fired after only six
weeks as GM but that the Islanders are owned by an Asian man. Granted I
suffered a head injury today, but I cannot wrap my feeble head around that one.
BB: Aww…Computer Associates. I still don't know what you do.
OTHER
ED: Tommy
Morrison announces that he is not HIV positive and wants to make a comeback
fight against Mike Tyson. Nope. No need for a punchline
here.
ED: Tiger Woods
wins the British Open. IIII...no. No I don't
care.
ED: Denny
Hamelin wins the Pennsylvania 500. And
again I am disappointed that it is not Bob Hamelin. BAH.
BB: Not as
disappointed as Bob Hamelin is that it isn't Bob Hamelin.
ED: The WNBA
again gets the highest marks for gender and racial diversity from the
University of Central Florida's Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport. I
guess lots of lesbians equals diversity or
something. Who knows?
ED: Jamaican
sprinter Asafa Powell pulls out of a Greek track meet
when an Italian airport refused to allow him to bring his track spikes on the
plane as carry-on luggage. Fortunately,
they were going to let him bring his herb.
ED: American
Floyd Landis DEFENDS DEMOCRACY and wins the Tour de France. Of course, that
just brings to mind how much I want Lance Armstrong to get cancer again. So let
me just stop now.