The Week That Was (7/18/05

The Week That Was
(7/18/05 - 7/24/05)

ED: Ed Agner

BB: Bill Barnwell
PR: Phil Rippa

ED: Only Tom Brady can break this heat. At least that's what Peter King told me.

BB: Only Neifi Perez can take this heat. At least that’s what Dusty Baker told me.

MLB
ED: Your weekly cripple list includes: Yankees OF Ruben Sierra (hammy), D'backs C Kelly Stinnett (wrist), Marlins P Nate Bump (shoulder), Tigers P Troy Percival (now out for the season with a torn muscle in his forearm), A's DH Erubiel Durazo (now out for the season for Tommy John surgery), White Sox DH Frank Thomas (foot/ankle), Tigers 2B Placido Polanco (hammy), Cards 3B Scott Rolen (shoulder), Rockies P Jason Jennings (out for the season with a broken finger), Mariners...uhh...guy with a funny name Pokey Reese (likely out for the rest of the season with abum shoulder...not like Mariners fans would even notice), Rangers SCRAP!!! Laynce Nix (done for the season to get shoulder surgery...mmm, Rusty Greer)

BB: Percival’s injury may end his career if he doesn’t recover without surgery. Of course – Durazo, Thomas, Rolen, and Pokey all seem to hit the DL every year for a good amount of ti...wait! I know! THEY’RE A BAND! THEY GO ON TOUR! Next year Durazo will leave to start his post-shoegazercore group and Bronson Arroyo will develop an arm twinge in late July for four to six weeks, depending on whether John Vanderslice can make his European tour or not.

PR: The parade of people Bill references that I don’t know begins. So very old.

PR: Oh speaking of injuries, Jermaine Dye has missed several games due to being bitter by a spider. Where did it happen? A hotel room in Cleveland. Yeah – that kinda just explains it all right there, doesn’t it?

ED: TRADES!!! The Cubs send OF Jason DuBois to the Indians for OF Jody Gerut. (Mmm, handling the heat.) The Red Sox trade P Scott Cassidy to the Padres for the glorious return of Adam Hyzdu. The Red Sox trade OF Chip Ambres and P Juan Cedeno to the Royals for UTILISCRAP!!! Tony Graffanino. The D-Backs pick up P Tim Worrell from the Phillies for UTILISCRAP Matt Kata and cash. The Blue Jays trade UTILISCRAP John McDonald to Detroit for the ol' PTBNL. The Braves send P Kevin Gryboski to Texas for a non-prospect. The Reds send 3B Joe Randa to San Diego for P's Justin Germano and Travis Chick. (Poor Sean Burroughs.)

BB: The great thing about the Worrell trade was Primer trying to justify it as being good for Worrell’s future as a human being. “Oh, well, Arizona is less stressful than Philadelphia, so the fact that he had a nervous breakdown in May won’t be as prevalent and he will pitch better.” Right. And how does Sean Burroughs recover from this? Does he get fat again in an attempt to approach his Little League days?

PR: I wanted to joke that Ed’s heat joke would have been funnier if Gerut was actually black but then I realized one person would actually get it and then it would be all sorts of ugly.

ED: Some unexciting player movement includes: P Alan Embree (DFA'd by the Red Sox), UTILICRAP! Jason Romano (refuses assignment to the minors and is a FA), WIFEBEATER! Wil Cordero (DFA'd by the Nats), TOOLZY QB!!! Kenny Kelly (claimed by the Nats;Mmmmm, Toolz), P Doug Creek (DFA'd by the Tigers)

BB: Alan Embree can go back to playing in San Francisco and sleeping with Kari Byron and I can be a bitter bitter man.

PR: Yup – definitely had to google Kari Byron to understand what Bill was talking about and the second search result (after KariByron.com) is a site called fecalface.com. The internet scares me.

ED: Nats P Livan Hernandez has a magnificent freak out where he says he's a doctor and will not pitch for the Nats again this season...or at least not until his next start. Someone has to get this man with Lloyd McClendon NOW!!!

BB: Magnificent is the only word to describe it. Even Derek Bell applauded.

ED: Oh, and speaking of the WORLD CHAMPION NATS!!!, they're trying to talk Barry Larkin out of retirement to replace Cristian Guzman at SS. Well, I can think of a whole lot of retired SS's I'd play over Guzman. I guess, Larkin would beat out Phil Rizzuto for like 5th place or so.

BB: Is Phil Rizzuto dead yet?

PR: I’m not an analyst but the Nats and Orioles haven’t exactly been having a fine second half. Poor little Baltimore/DC area. That is going to be one ugly pileup on the Beltway when their fans along with Redskin fans all abandon their bandwagons at once.

ED: SUSPENSIONS!!! Twins Mgr. Ron Gardenhire is suspended one game for inappropriate comments about umpire Hunter Wendelstedt. Man, I'm trying to even think of one inappropriate comment about Wendelstedt. I've got nothing. Royals P Runelvys Hernandez gets a 10 game suspension, Royals Mgr, Buddy Bell one game, Tigers P Jeremy Bonderman gets 5 games and Tigers P Kyle Farnsworth gets 6 for their parts in the Tigers-Royals rumble last week.

PR: Farnsworth v. Jeremy Affeldt in the battle of pseudo 4th tier PVCs might be the lowlight of the season.

ED: Phillies farmhand Randy Ruiz and Yankees farmhand Deivi Mendez become the 80th and 81st minor leaguers suspended for 'roiding this season. Wow! 81 minor leaguers and only 4 big leaguers who 'roided. Yeah, that sounds about right.

BB: Thank god we have the government.

ED: The Giants retire Gaylord Perry's jersey. Well, they retired his number 36. The jersey was too slick to actually hang up on a wall or anything.

BB: Aww...but the jersey’s the only way he can get through the door Ed.

PR: I am pretty certain Gaylord Perry made a few appearances on the Baseball Bunch. I am not sure if Johnny Bench approved or not.

CFL
WEEK FIVE!!!

ED: The CFL extends the contract of Commissioner Tom Wright through 2006. Crap. I was hoping he'd replace Tagliabue.

ED: BC Lions o-lineman Bobby Singh suspended one game for striking an official. Oh why can't Danny McManus kick a ref in the jimmy? Why? Why?

PR: Because he is fat and can’t get his foot up that high? I don’t know. And is Bobby Singh a member of Karachi Vice?

ED: Ricky Ray flips off the Jets as Edmonton handles Ottawa, 29-21

ED: Winnipeg upsets Montreal 51-46. Awesome!!!

PR: Aww… the Als suck this year.

ED: B.C. toughs one out against Hamilton, 28-22. Of course, since B.C. can't cripple Danny McManus, I still have no use for the Lions.

ED: Henry Burris owns you all as Calgary slaps around Saskatchewan, 44-18.

ED: Oh and you absolutely HAVE to check out the clip on tsn.ca where Mark Megna compares his football and modelling careers. Oh yeah. That's the good stuff.

SOCCER
BB: The US wins the Gold Cup by beating Panama on penalty kicks.

BB: The US is also patronized by 80000 British newspapers when the latest FIFA rankings come out with them ahead of England.

PR: Well they did lose to England.

BB: Liverpool sign Phil Rippa Peter Crouch from Southampton for £7,000,000. Andy Cole goes to Manchester City on a free transfer. Chelsea sign Shawn Wright-Phillips from Manchester City for a Chelsea sum. That’s not really a fair swap.

PR: Southampton also told Harry Redknapp that they won’t be spending the full mount of the Crouch transfer on players. This is so something my board would do. Stupid CM4.

PR: Inter Milan calls off its tour of England citing security fears. And then proceeds to say that it will make the trip after all. When this story first came out, Bill and I had a conversation that went something like this.

Me: “I am amused that Leicester was like ‘Screw the bombings. WE WANT OUR MONEY!’”
Him: “Well, like anyone would want to bomb Leicester”

PR: Oh Joey Barton punks out a 15 year old while Manchester City was on tour. Now excuse me while I write Mr. Barton and tell him that Claudio Reyna was talking smack about him.

NFL
ED: Former Colts HOF Lineman Jim Parker dead at 71.

PR: Deathpool says not a match. Board goes back.

ED: Travis Henry is officially traded from the Bills to the Titans for a 2006 3rd round pick. Odds of Willis McGahee's knee blowing out again just went through the roof.

BB: Odds of Willis McGahee holding out just went through the roof. YAY DREW ROSENHAUS!

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Seahawks WR Koren Robinson pleads guilty to his DUI charge and gets one day in the hole - where he turned up drunk and is now in trouble again. God, I'm really starting to love me some Koren Robinson. Titans WR Tyron Calico gets his public indecency charge thrown out. Lions WR David Kircus gets a fine and counseling after pleading guilty to DUI charges.

BB: Is David Kircus even a real player? Can’t Koren Robinson become a Trailblazer already?

PR: How Koren Robinson isn’t a member of the Raiders or Ravens yet, mystifies me.

ED: OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! Dolphins RB Ricky Williams reports to camp. I am certain this will be the biggest non-story of the year.

BB: VEILED POT JOKES FOR EVERYONE!!! YAY LEN PASQUARELLI!!!

ED: The San Francisco 49ers hire a new PR director. I assume a new training film is at the top of his to-do list.

PR: I was thinking it was badmouthing Jeff Garcia on craigslist but again – I tend to think differently.

ED: Patriots LB Tedy Bruschi announces he will not play in 2005 to recover from his stroke. Well-well-well, so much for all that Tom Brady miracle worker crap.

BB: He is apparently going on the PUP list, so he has the option of coming back after six weeks. Apparently, he’s going to take care of the London bombings in the meantime as well as sleep with your girlfriend.

PR: So it’s Bruschi’s fault you didn’t get sex from your ex?

ED: The Minnesota Vikings announce that they will not charge fans to attend training camp. Mike Tice to open up a ticket booth at the practice facility just the same.

PR: Is this where they will stick the bodies as folks collapse.?

ED: The Cowboys will induct Troy Aikman, Emitt Smith and Michael Irvin into their Ring of Honor this season. OK. I'll serve this one up - What ring does Nate Newton get in?

PR: Aww… Ed is probably thinking of coke ring while I immediately thought of another four letter word that started with “co”.

ED: Oh yeah, Don Shula hates on Jimmy Johnson in the press, stating that Dan Marino ''only had only one head coach, really. `Look at the numbers, they speak for themselves.'' Yeah, Don. All those Super Bowls Marino won with you wereàOh. Right. Oh, even better, Marino reveals that he could have been a Steeler in 2000. See, God hates perfection no matter if it's perfect beauty of a perfect collection of all things a person could loathe.

BB: Is that a Lou Reed reference? Did I just kill it?

ED: Because football hates me as I it - the Raiders sign TE Rickey Dudley. I swear to friggin' Godà

BB: YAY AL DAVIS!!!!

ED; But then football loves me again as the Chiefs re-sign LEGEND!!! Derrick Alexander to a one day contract so he can retire as a Chief. OK. That is the first sign of official abuse of that sort of deal. I mean, who's next? Snoop Minnis?

BB: Oh yeah – the great thing was Jason Whitlock writing 2000 words in the KC Star about this and Ed telling the story and being funnier in 50.

NBA
ED: MORE FA SIGNINGS!!! The Rockets sign F Stromile Swift, the Cavs sign F Donyell Marshall, the T-Wolves re-sign F/C Mark Madsen.

BB: Phew – if the Wolves had lost Madsen AND Fred Hoiberg, who knows who they would’ve signed to replace the bench pastiness? Heck – Rippa might’ve got a call. He is still tall.

PR: I wouldn’t be long for the T-Wolves as my first day there, I would punch Kevin McHale in the face. That would get me traded to Portland. Of course since I don’t smoke anything, I would be considered a locker room disturbance. That would get me traded to Philadelphia where Allen Iverson would confuse me with Shawn Bradley and I would cry and cry and cry. I would earn a soft label and shipped off to Dallas where I would spend my peak years. During garbage time in a late February game against the Knicks during my contract year, I would block a Stephan Marbury shot. This would get me a max deal from Isiah Thomas. Then I would punch him in the face and giggle.

ED: Of course, none of that is official yet since the NBA pushed back the FA signing date due to the collective bargaining agreement not being official yet. Like any of you care.

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! Larry Brown and the Pistons GO OOOOO-OOOOOO-YONNNNNNNNN THEIR SEPARATE WAYS!!! Oh, if you can't smell Larry Brown on Isiah Thomas' fingers, you have no sense of smell at all. The Pistons replace Brown with Flip Saunders. Oh, and the Sonics hire Bob Weiss as their new head coach.

BB: Oh yeah – I know what that is and that isn’t Lou Reed.

NCAA
ED: Ohio State QB Troy Smith is being investigated for rule violations stemming from attending a Steve McNair football camp. Yeah, wouldn't attending a Steve McNair football camp be punishment enough?

PR: Well I consider attending college in Ohio a punishment too.

NHL
ED: God it's weird to have this little header back. Oh yeah, the NHL Players Association officially approve the collective bargaining agreement. Mmm, ignored sports.

ED: The NHL holds its draft lottery that Pittsburgh wins because God is cruel and the Pens could even sign me to a contract at this point. Gary Bettman may have chuckled. No one can really tell.

BB: I love every article with GM quotes saying NOW WE CAN RAISE OUR PAYROLL TO THE LEAGUE AVERAGE!!! Well...you can until you realize 18 fans are showing up for each game.

PR: You hate our Canadian readership.

ED: And now begins the season of NHL teams killing off their big contracts. First to go are Flyers players John LeClair and Tony Amonte. God, the Rangers bloodletting is going to be beautiful.

PR: Aww… it will look like one of my NHL seasons. Poor little 80% of the roster. Of course, in NHL, I can usually trade crap for Joe Thornton too.

BB: The good thing is that – unlike the NBA reset button – you can cut as many players as you want with the NHL one. Literally they should’ve just done a fantasy draft and saved time.

OTHER
ED: NFL agent Drew Rosenhaus performs CPR to save the life of a boy who almost drowned at a Disney World hotel. Of course, Rosenhaus may have just been getting close to the kid to steal his wallet. Who can be sure?

BB: Stupid Ed making that joke before me.

PR: Is the kid now planning on holding out of Kindergarten now?

ED: Lance Armstrong wins the Tour de France. Oh, thanks for letting us down, cancer. Fickin' unreliable killer. Oh, I'm sure you'll be there to take me. But can you take Mr. Pansy Peddle Pusher? Oh, no. Meh. Stupid cancer.

PR: If It Makes You Happy, All I Wanna Do, Ed, is tell you that Everyday Is A Winding Road. Are You Strong Enough?

ED: Kurt Busch wins the Pennsylvania 500. Only because Lance Armstrong did not want to race in the event, of course.

ED: DANICA PATRICK!!!!!!! crashes and does not win the A.J. Foyt 225. And to think that she had just got her eye make up on perfectly right before she ran into that wall.

BB: Was she on her phone at the time too?

PR: See if she had been envisioning her own nipples, she wouldn’t have crashed.