The Week That Was 7/24/06 - 7/31/06

ED: GM’S GONE WILD!!!

BB: IT WAS JUST A HUG! OF COURSE I GRAB ASS WHEN I HUG! I'M A BASEBALL PLAYER! THAT'S WHAT WE DO! THIS IS HOW I TALK!

MLB

ED: ESPN baseball…uhh…analyst? Harold Reynolds is fired amid sexual harassment allegations. COME ON!!! THEY PUT HIM BESIDE SOMEONE WITH THE RACK LIKE KRUK’S! HOW COULD HE RESIST?!?!?!?!

BB: Yeah - let's just say the Buster Olney-John Kruk-Steve Phillips combination isn't working. I am pretty sure Phillips was just contradicting everything Kruk said without paying attention to whatever it was Kruk was saying, and he was right about 95% of the time. Meanwhile, Buster was doodling pictures of his and Wayne Krivsky's wedding day.

ED: Bruce Sutter and half a zillion Negro Leaguers are inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Next year? A Buck O’Neal-Pete Rose-Goose Gossage death match for HOF candidacy.

BB: Winner gets satisfaction!!

ED: TRADE DEADLINE MADNESS!!!

- The White Sox pick up C Sandy Alomar Jr from the Dodgers for P B.J. LaMura.

- The White Sox pick up PVC!!! Mike MacDougal from the Royals for P’s Tyler Lumsden and DAN CORTES!!!

- The Mariners pick up 1B Ben Broussard from the Indians for OF Shin-Soo-Choo, the ol’ PTBNL and cash.

- Giants get P Mike Stanton from the Nats for P Shairon Martis

- The Yankees pick up C? Sal Fasano from the Phillies for 2B Hector Made.

- The Yankees pick up OF Bobby Abreu and P Cory Lidle from the Phillies for SS C.J. Henry, P's Matt Smith and Carlos Monasterios and C Jesus Sanchez

- The Yankees pick up 1B/OF Craig Wilson from the Pirates for P? Shawn Chacon

- The Red Sox pick up P Bryan Corey for P Luis Mendoza

- The Cardinals pick up 2B Ronnie Belliard from the Indians for 2B Fernando Luna

- The Tigers pick up NICE!!! Sean Casey from the Pirates for P Brian Rogers

- The Reds pick up LOOGY!!! Rheal Cormier from the Phillies for P Justin Germano

- The Reds pick up P Kyle Lohse from the Twins for P Zach Ward

- The Mets pick up PVC!!! Roberto Hernandez and P Oliver Perez from the Pirates for OF Xavier Nady

- The Padres pick up DIVE TODD! DIVE!!! From the Cubs for P Jose Ceda

- The Brewers pick up 3B David Bell from the Phillies for P Wilfrido Laureano

- The Brewers pick up IF Tony Graffanino from the Royals for P Jorge De La Rosa.

- The Rangers pick up OF’s Carlos Lee and Nelson Cruz and the ol PTBNL for PVC! Francisco Cordero and OF’s Kevin Mench and Laynce Nix

- The Rangers pick up CANADIAN!!! Matt Stairs from the Royals for P Joselo Diaz

- The Rangers pick up P? Kip Wells from the Pirates for P Jesse Chavez

- The Braves pick up PVC!!! Danys Baez and IF Willy Aybar from the Dodgers for SUPA UTILITY PLAYA! Wilson Betemit.

- The Braves send P? Jorge Sosa to the Cardinals for P Rich Scalamandre

- The Dodgers pick up P Elmer Dessens from the Royals for P’s Odalis Perez, Blake Johnson and Julio Pimental.

- The Dodgers pick up P Greg Maddux and cash from the Cubs for SS Cesar Izturis

- The Dodgers pick up SS Julio Lugo from the Devil Rays for 3B Joel Guzman and OF Sergio Pedroza

- The Royals pick up 1B Ryan Shealy and P Scott Dohman from the Rockies for P’s Jeremy Affeldt and Denny Bautista

BB: I am not sure what else Shawn Chacon qualifies at. Cook? If I were him I woulda just went and played in the WSOP for a while. Of course - his QQ would probably beat AQ. Grr…

ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The White Sox DFA C Chris Widger. The Angels ship YOUNG CUBAN PROSPECT!!! Kendry Morales to the minors. The Brewers activate OLYMPIC HERO!!! Ben Sheets from the DL. The Reds release P Esteban Yan. The Rangers activate P Adam Eaton from the DL and DFA P Bryan Corey. The Yankees DFA BIG POPPA PUMP Kelly Stinnett. The Mariners DFA Carl Everett. The Phillies activate P Randy Wolf from the DL. The Mets activate P Pedro Martinez from the DL. The Indians call up PROSPECT!!! Andy Marte. The Blue Jays activate OF Alex Rios from the DL. The O's activate OF Jay Gibbons from the DL. The Phillies DFA ROIDER!!! Ryan Franklin. The Tigers ship out SLOTH!!! Chris Shelton. The Red Sox activate P David Wells from the DL. The Twins activate OF Torrii Hunter from the DL. The D-Rays call up SS? BJ Upton. The Yankees DFA OF Aaron Guiel.

BB: I am not sure why Kelly Stinnett == Scott Steiner. Of course, I am not sure why Sal Fasano > Kelly Stinnett. Maybe it is the mustache. And poor, poor, poor Chris Shelton. You are not the best player in baseball, it turns out.

ED: DL LIST!!! Cubs 1B Derrek Lee (wrist), Nats OF Jose Guillen (now done for the season after elbow surgery), Nats 2B Jose Vidro (hammy), Mariners OF Chris Snelling (shoulder), A’s P Scott Sauerbeck (getting’ his groin right), Brewers P Jose Capellan (shoulder), Mariners P Rafael Soriano (shoulder), Brewers 2B Rickie Weeks (wrist), Braves 3B? Chipper Jones (oblique), Devil Rays 1B/3B Ty Wiggington (hand), Padres P Chan Ho Park (stomach), Dodgers CANCER!!! Nomar Garciaparra (knee), Devil Rays P Scott Kazmir (rotator cuff), Angels DT Bartolo Colon (elbow), Orioles P Kirk Birkins (elbow), Mets P Duaner Sanchez (done for the year with a separated shoulder)

BB: Duaner Sanchez clearly forgot the first rule of car accidents, which is to get your underhooks in. After that, you want to slide up the seat and try and get in the mount, at which point the car is going to either take repeated shots or flip over onto its back. At that point, you have a wide variety of options - straight right, left hook, hide the Tabasco sauce, really, anything's possible.

ED: ROID STUFF!!! Minor leaguers Wascar Segura of the Chicago White Sox, Carlos Fajardo of the Cincinnati Reds, Alfredo Martin and Jonathan Requena of the Minnesota Twins, and Richard Rodriguez of the Toronto Blue Jays all get 50-game suspensions for the ol’ performance enhancers. Bonds, etc.

BB: Because only Latinos use steroids. Right.

ED: Tigers 1B coach Andy Van Slyke disses White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen and Latinos in general. Well, they all really look the same to Van Slyke anyway.

BB: Because only Latinos use steroids. Right.

ED: Dodgers P Brad Penny and OF Kenny Lofton get into a row in the dugout during a Dodgers loss Wednesday night. Obviously, this is all DEPO’S FAULT!!!! MC Bowdes needs to cut a phat battle rap about this NOW!

BB: MC STAND PAT!

ED: Former Nats President Tony Tavares is being sued by the team’s former director of ticket sales, Joseph Deoudes, for Tavares allegedly slapping him in the face.

ED: Former HOT PITCHING PROSPECTS!!! Devil Rays Matt White and Royals Colt Griffin retire as really-really rich young men with slagged arms. Well, it’s better than a liberal arts degree, I guess.

BB: 2001: But the fact is Griffin, a lean 6-foot-4 teenager from Marshall High, is not fiction. Unheard of a few months ago, this Huck Finn-looking youngster could be one of the first players taken in next month's First-Year Player Draft.

"He's got the best arm for a high school kid I've ever seen," said one scout. "And no one really knew it until a couple of months ago."

"Pure power," said another. "There are a handful of pitchers in the majors with his fastball."

SCOUTS!!!

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Albert Belle pleads guilty to stalking charges. Jason Grimsley was apparently otherwise too busy to snag the tracking device off of the stripper’s car.

CFL

WEEK SEVEN!!

ED: Robert Edwards tells all the world he is the best beach boy in all of Candia as Montreal tops Edmonton, 21-13.

ED: Yep. Hamilton is dead. I kill all football teams. First they get trashed by Winnipeg, 29-0. Then they release Craig Yeast. Maybe I should just become an Ohio State fan.

ED: DAMON ALLEN RETURNS to do little for the Argos as BC throttles Toronto, 28-8.

ED: Saskatchewan brings to D to stifle Henry Burris as the Roughriders handle Calgary, 19-9.

NFL

ED: Training camps are open! YES!!! INJURIES! DISGRUNTLED PLAYERS!!! ARRESTS!!! WRITERS BLO – Oops. That’s just Bill and Morrissey.

BB: Awww…I was looking for a job and then I quit a job.

ED: Roger Goodell, Gregg Levy, Frederick Nance, Robert L. Reynolds and Mayo A. Shattuck III are announced as the finalists to replace Paul Tagliabue as new NFL Commissioner. Odds are good I will hate whomever is chosen, so whatever.

BB: I could not possibly hate a man named Mayo A. Shattuck III.

ED: The Browns and a Cleveland area TV station are on the outs, with the Browns stating they are going to break the contract it has with the local station to air their pre-season games and the station suing to team for breach of contract. The Browns apparently hate the station for airing 911 calls the Lerner family made. Hey, whatever reason you need to not show a Browns game is fine by me.

BB: What were these 911 calls, exactly? Were they about Mike Cooper?

ED: NY Giants LB #56’s agent, Carl Poston is suspended two years by the NFLPA for using "bad faith efforts to delay, frustrate and undermine" negotiations to resolve a contract dispute between his player who cannot be named and his former team, the Washington Redskins. Like anyone needs to employ dirty tactics to get Daniel Snyder to overpay.

BB: WHO IS NY GIANTS LB #56? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?!!? HE FORGOT TO PUT THE GUY'S NAME IN!!!!

ED: A federal judge rules that the Buccaneer’s pat downs of fans at the stadiums are illegal. Illegal, maybe. But oh so fun.

BB: Clearly you forget who actually lives in Tampa.

Ed: INJURIES!!! Players already on the PUP list include – Raiders T Robert Gallery (thigh), Browns C LeCharles Bentley (done for the year with a shredded knee), Jets RB Curtis Martin, WR Justin McCareins and C Trey Teague (being Jets), Bears RB Thomas Jones (hamstring…while taking his physical), Patriots DT Richard Seymour (something), Cowboys TE Brett Pierce (done for the year with a shredded knee), Titans DT Rien Long (done for the year with an Achilles tear), Falcons WR Brian Finneran (knee)

BB: I read "Brett Pierce" as Aaron Pierce for a second and some memories came up. They are ugly ones - but I mean - I could see Parcells bringing him back.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Chiefs sign MUGGER!!! Ty Law. The Rams release QB Jeff Smoker. The Panthers release OL Adam Meadows. The Vikings sign S Dwight Smith and WR Dez White. The Packers release S Mike Roman who then signs with the 49ers. The 49ers trade QB Cody Pickett to the Texans for a conditional draft pick. Chiefs T Willie Roaf retires. The Texans sign CB Dexter McCleon.

BB: I would love if Ty Law did a SMUGGER!!! gimmick. Or, alternately, a SMUGGLER!!! gimmick. Either of those are better than what he is now. Adam Meadows signed with the Broncos too which is sorta like signing with the Rockies if you are an aging hitter. Easy to get paid that way. Mmm…chop blocks and cheap homers.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Bengals DT Matthias Askew pleads not guilty to resisting arrest charges. Bengals LB Odell Thurman is officially suspended for 4 games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Bronco ROBOPUNTER!!! Todd Sauerbrun loses his appeal of a 4 game suspension for using ephedra. Eagles WR Jabar Gaffney is arrested on unlawful possession of a handgun charges. Broncos THIRD ROUND PICK!!! Maurice Clarett fires his lawyers and hires new ones…two days before facing trial on armed robbery charges. Packers DT Ryan Pickett is cited for failure to yield after getting into a car crash.

BB: I think that may be copyright infringement Ed. Our lawyers will be in contact with you.

SOCCER

BB: Newcastle signs Damien Duff for five million pounds. Yep - too lazy to go into the Insert menu in Word to get the pound symbol. Suck it up people.

BB: Italian cheating teams slightly less relegated and deducted. Still sell most of their players anyway. Except for Kaka.

NCAA

ED: Former Texas DT Ray Dowdy dead at 56. Former Ohio State President Harold Enarson – the man who fired Woody Hayes – dead at 87.

NBA

ED: Charles Barkley is thinking of running for governor of Alabama. He also says he switched sides…politically…to Democrat.

BB: That was quick, usually going from one side to the other for Charles Barkley takes a few minutes.

NHL

ED: I….have no clu—Hey! So let’s say you have a hypothetical cube neighbor with a daddy complex and another co-worker who might hypothetically work for a phone sex company and…never mind. Far too hypothetical.

BB: Let's say you went to go work for a company that you thought might be a cult with a transgendered boss, and you quit after one da…never mind. Far too hypothetical.

OTHER

ED: Floyd Landis – MANLY HYPER-TESTOSTERONEY MANLY BIKER MAN IN MANLY BIKER SHORTS THAT PRODUCES MANLY TESTOSTERONE IN MANLY AMOUNTS!!!!

BB: HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE MY TESTOSTERONE OF BEING NON-SYNTHETIC? I USE CASTROL DAMNIT!

ED: Mmm, irony . Former NASCAR driver Benny Parsons has lung cancer. So now that the Winston Cup is the NEXTEL Cup will Jeff Gordon get a cell phone-related brain tumor 40 years from now?

ED: Carl Edwards wins the Allstate 400 at the Brickyard. Well, at least this didn’t involve a Danica-style hissy fit. So edge, Edwards.

ED: Speaking of those who cannot win - DANICA PATRICK!!!! IS CHANGING RACING TEAMS!!! OMG!!! The world wonders if she can not win races for another team! OMG!!!

BB: Will her nip…wait, Phil might actually show up this week.

BB: UPDATE: Rippa didn't ever show up. So I can finish the joke. I was going to say "Will her nipples change teams too?" Yeah. It was real funny.

ED: American sprinter Justin Gatlin is busted for performance enhancers supposedly put on him by a massage therapist. Yeah. You know Barry Bonds is wondering if this excuse will fly.

BB: I am just wondering how he is going to combine it with some sort of flaxseed oil excuse.