ED: ED
Agner
PR: Phil Rippa
BB: Bill Barnwell ED: Mmm, fat, clueless
sportswriters preaching about ethics and morality. DEEEELISH!!!
PR: At first I thought Ed was
making fun of Peter Jennings. And then I realized he wasn’t so I felt
better. I mean I kinda liked Peter Jennings. I waited a full minute
before asking myself why we hadn’t done a non-sports death pool.
MLB ED: Rafael Palmeiro. Yeah. That's
about all that needs to be said, really.
PR: I am still holding out hope
that the Viagra is what caused the positive test.
BB: I am hoping the test reveals
he is on…Cialis? Is that an ED drug? That advertising sure works
wonders. All I know is that you should have 36 hours for when the time
is right for you, sitting in bathtubs on the beach. Or that you should
want a…heightened experience when you are lounging around your house
with your creepily tan husband. Or that PHALLIC JOKES ARE FUNNY!!!
especially if you – you know – make them 800 times a commercial per
commercial. And mix in a really creepy smiling guy and his wife who
looks like my fourth grade teacher. Horrible thoughts. Horrible
horrible thoughts…
ED: Somehow this is related…if
even but in Peter Angelos' strange mind - The Orioles fire Manager Lee
Mazzilli. Mazzilli is replaced by Sam Perlozzo for the rest of the
year. Wow! Who would expect this from a team that's running
away with the AL East...Oh. What? The O's weren't for
real? Who knew?
PR: Nats fans?
ED: More 'roid news: Mariners P
Ryan Franklin gets 10 days for testing positive for 'roids. Steroids
now in danger of losing their "performance enhancement" label.
PR: I figured that if there was
one person who could get away with the “Do I look like I am taking
steroids?” defense it might be Ryan Franklin. So much for that theory.
BB: Jamie Moyer?
ED: EVEN MORE 'ROID NEWS: Barry
Bonds tells MLB.com that he won't play at all this year. Or maybe he
will. But probably not. Of course, ya never know. Feh.
ED: Hey! Possibly 'roids-related
(or not depending on if representatives of Pudge reads this and decides
to sue) Tigers C Ivan Rodriguez suspended 4 games for bumping an
umpire. See, with reduced size comes reduced punishment.
PR: I might be reading too much
into it but I think what Ed is trying to say is that if you have a
small jimmy, sex doesn’t hurt as much. I am married so sex is a distant
memory. Oh and I am 6’6” and proportional.
BB: OK – that’s enough. I am out
of here.
ED: Less (possibly) 'roid related
punishment comes to Indians P's Kevin Millwood suspended 5 games and
David Riske 4 for intentionally hitting Mariners. Damn right, they
deserved it. It's no fair hitting a Mariner when there are no Mariners
who can hit you back.
ED: Your weekly cripple list
includes: Twins OF Torii Hunter (now done for the season after wrecking
his ankle), Mariners P Jorge Campillo (elbow. Well, all things
considered, a Mariners pitching prospect who gets crippled in his first
big league inning is a step forward. Comparitively.), Angels P Jarrod
Washburn (forearm), Red Sox 1B John Olerud (hammy. Mmm, Petagine!),
Giants P Kirk Rueter (gout), Marlins 1B Carlos Delgado (elbow and
hand), Rangers OF Richard Hidalgo (wrist)
PR: More entertaining was the
comedy of Manny Ramirez. I had to wonder if Terry Francona paid Edgar
Renteria to take out the retarded player so the manager didn’t have to
play him.
ED: Some unexciting player
movement includes: 2B Bret Boone (released by the Twins…hehehehe), P
Aaron Sele (released by the Mariners then signed by the Rangers), P
Aquilino Lopez (claimed off of waivers by the Phillies), OF Marquis
Grissom (DFA'd by the Giants), UTL Desi Relaford (released by the
Rockies), OF Brian Buchanan (signed by the Twins), P Alan Benes (signed
by the Cardinals), P Dennys Reyes (signed by the Yankees…then elects to
stay in Mexico rather than go to Columbus. I know the feeling,
Dennys.), P Ron Mahay (DFA'd by the Rangers. Awesome! The return of
Steve Karsay! Maybe he can pay his bar bill now!), P Chris Narveson
(DFA'd by the Red Sox), P Armando Almanza (released by the D-Backs), P
Sun-Wu Kim (picked up off of waivers by the Rockies), JOHN HALAMA!!!
(signed by the Nats)
PR: Aww… I know that I can now buy
Ed a John Halama Nats jersey for Christmas.
ED: Reds P Jung Bong arrested for
domestic battery for slapping around his wife. Yes-yes. Make your Bong
hit jokes here.
ED: Senseless contract news: the
Tigers extend the contract of 2B Placido Polanco for four years; the
Yankees decline the 2006 option on Bernie Williams' $15 million dollar
contract (What? Bernie Williams isn't a $15 million player anymore?);
the Indians restructure 3B Aaron Boone's contract, picking up his
contract for 2007 and adding a mutual option for 2007 (suckers)
ED: Diamonbacks GM Joe Garagiola
Jr. resigns to take become MLB's Sr. VP of Baseball Operations. The
D-Backs name former-Rockies GM Bob Gebhard as their interim GM. Oh,
there's just too much humor there.
ED: Former Yankees GM Bob Watson
named the GM of USA Baseball. God, I hope he can trade for Pat Listach
again.
PR: If Shawn Abner gets a job I
will definitely write the FPOTM.
ED: Gary Sheffield goes weird and
tells all the world that HE knows who the real leader of the Yankees
is. Of course, he doesn't say who is the real leader of the Yankees is,
but insinuates it might be him. I think. But then, I'm not
sure. 'Course, what do I know? I'm a whitey. I know! I'll
ask Michael Kay to be sure!
PR: Well, of course, Kay will
know. He is the real leader after all. And as an aside – Juan Rivera
refusing Michael Kay’s apology so makes him my favorite player of the
moment.
Ed: Oh, the Reds help out a kid
whose grandpa has a fatal heart attack at a game - letting the kid sit
in the bullpen and go into the clubhouse after the game as his grandpa
was being attended to by paramedics. After the game, the Reds showered
the kid with bats and balls and other assorted paraphernalia. God,
didn't the kid suffer enough already?
PR: There was a big batch of
weirdness with this story since the kid was named Antonio Perez and it
was on Tony Perez Bobblehead night. Yeah – I am not touching this one.
ED: Giants radio man, Larry
Krueger gets a onr week suspension for going off on the Giants and
their `brain-dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly.''
Some may call this career suicide. Others may look at this as
Krueger auditioning for a radio gig in a Red State. Depends on
how you look at it, really.
PR: I enjoy this story as its
quite the “looking for a reason to be offended” story – well at least
the Cream of Wheat part. Of course – I won’t know officially how to
feel until Scoop Jackson writes a column about it. DUSTY NEEDS A
CONTRACT FOR LIFE!!!!
CFL WEEK SEVEN!!!
ED: Mmm, failed WR's. Winnipeg
cuts big free-agent pick-up WR Wayne McGarity. Saskatchewan cuts WR
Santonio Hall.
PR: Aww… is someone going to sign
Bret Boone now?
ED: Anthony Calvillo throws for 3
TD's as Montreal whips Saskatchewan, 42-13. But Montreal loses
slotback Ben Calhoun for at least 6 weeks thanks to a broken wrist and
elbow in the game.
ED: BC stays unbeaten by holding
off Edmonton 25-19. Peter King contemplates ditching his hooded
genius and finding a quiet desk in British Columbia to hang out under.
ED: Kery Joseph goes wild as
Ottawa stomps Hamilton, 28-12. Well, at least the CFL season's
getting me properly prepared for the NFL season.
PR: So Hamilton is going to talk
Romo and Rich Gannon out of retirement? Hire Norv Turner?
ED: Winnipeg goes all charitable
and hands everything over to Calgary, 30-21.
SOCCER PR: For the majority of leagues –
a new season started this past weekend. Bill would prefer to not talk
about the Leicester game.
PR: Chelsea beats Arsenal 2-1 to
win the Community Shield. Tim Howard wonders if he can somehow take
credit for this.
PR: Peter Crouch is out for at
least three weeks due to a bad hammy. This is some unsurprising
news. Such gangly legs.
PR: MLS has an amusing week, so I
will recap
Wednesday – August 3
FC Dallas 3-1 Columbus PR: The Crew comically has two
people getting straight reds in extra time. Frankie Hedjuk is one of
them. Oh yeah – I eagerly await him doing that in the first round of
the 06 World Cup.
Saturday – August 6
Chicago 2-3 DC United PR: Freddy Adu strains his MCL.
ESPN immediately inquires about getting MLS to cancel the rest of the
season.
New England 1-2 Kansas City PR: Hey – remember when the Revs
didn’t lose at home? Well not anymore. Just like that whole, they used
to be unbeaten thing.
Real Salt Lake 2-1 Chivas USA PR: Aww… Clint Mathis goes crazy
again, hits someone in the jimmy, punts the ball into the crowd and is
tossed. Amazingly he didn’t headbutt the ref. Oh and Andy Williams
scored the league’s 5000 goal.
FC Dallas 2-2 MetroStars PR: Dallas’ opens its new stadium
– Pizza Hut Park. I wanna cry. The bad puns over highlights have
already started.
Colorado 2-0 Los Angeles PR: JEFF CUNNINGHAM!!! CREW
DARLING!!! SCORES!!!! Brian McBride pouts.
San Jose 2-1 Columbus PR: Poor poor stinky crew. Ohio
weeps.
NFL ED: Dan Marino, Steve Young, Fritz
Pollard and Benny Friedman are inducted into the Pro Football Hall of
Fame.
PR: Aww… Ed’s hate consumed him so
much he couldn’t say anything mean about Young or Marino. Not even with
the silly throwing a pass to Mark Clayton thing.
PR: Ed and I are still working the
details of our Week 17 Battle for #1 Pick in the 2006 Draft wager
between the Raiders and Giants.
ED: AWESOME!!! Your first out for
the season injury is…..drumroll please…Todd Pinkston, WR, Philadelphia
Eagles. C'mon, Todd! Limp up here and grab your reward.
PR: I am not saddened by this at
all. Couldn’t happen to a nicer team. Stupid Philly.
ED: A whole lot of kids are
signing their first NFL contracts. A whole lot of old guys are holding
out for more…not including Terrell Owens, of course.
PR: So young kids are holding out
too. That always makes me giggle.
ED: The Lions extend GM Matt
Millen's contract through 2010. That's right. And he's worth every
penny. Only a big homo would question that.
PR: Yet, Art Shell can’t get
another head coaching job. God, I hate football. I mean if I draft a WR
in the first round of every Madden draft, the little AI fans would boo
me, I would be given a D+ and then I would have to trade the player to
Arizona for more picks. Ahh… Madden GMing.
ED: Hey! Your very special
Seahawks trouble list!!! Former Seahawk WR Koren Robinson enters
alcohol rehab in an effort to weasel out of more trouble. Former
Seahawk RB Chris Warren gets 5 years probation for being a deadbeat dad.
PR: Wait – Chris Warren is Koren
Robinson’s dad? I mean it would explain a bunch but it did confuse me
horribly so.
ED: USELESS TRADE!!! The Seahawks
send CB Kris Richard to the Dolphins for DE Ronald Flemons. Yeah,
both parties involved in this trade have to realize this is the only
times in their lives anyone will know that they exist.
PR: TE Freddie Jones retired
instead of not fulfilling his promise for another year. My fantasy team
thanks him for announcing this early.
NBA ED: BLOCKBUSTER DEAL!!! Or
something. Five teams got together to move 13 players and royally
confuse me. God, this is like a word problem. I THINK - yes, I realize
everyone laughs as I go forth towards messing this up - the Miami Heat
picked up Antoine Walker, Jason Williams (didn't I take him in the dead
pool?), James Posey, Andre Emmett and the rights to Roberto Duenas;
Memphis picks up Eddie Jones and Raul Lopez; Boston gets Curtis…Aww,
crap. There's a whole lot of guys moving. Let's just go with that. And
I think the correct answer is the two trains will meet in Altoona at
8:58 PM. But I just copied that answer off of someone else. Stupid word
problems.
PR: You have disappointed Justin.
ED: There's a whole lot more
player movement this week. But I don't care enough to list it all. You!
You have a computer. You go check it out. I am old and tired.
PR: GET OFF HIS LAWN!!!
ED: Las Vegas will host the 2007
NBA All Star game. Don't worry about gamblers fixing the game. Even I
wouldn't be stupid enough to bet on an NBA All Star game.
NCAA ED: Georgia LB Tavares
Kearney is suspended for the season opener after assaulting an
instructor who accused him of using a camera phone to cheat on a
Nutrition exam. Ahh, college!
PR: This is amazing. If I smacked
around one of my professors, I am sure my punishment would have been a
little more severe than this. Of course, if I was a professor at
Georgia I would know that I was supposed to put questions like “How
many points are a three point field goal worth?” on my exams.
ED: Texas Tech basketball coach
Bobby Knight testifies that the NCAA is a monopoly and that the
organization forces schools to skip the NIT tournaments. Ya know,
having Bobby Knight testify for your cause…yeah. That's like getting OJ
as a character witness.
ED: Speaking of the old nutcase -
Bobby Knight will host an ESPN reality show where Texas Tech students
will compete for a walk on spot on the basketball team. Of course
everyone taking part gets a free strangling. Why do you ask?
PR: Aww… so is this the reason
ESPN didn’t want the NHL rights?
ED: The NCAA bans Native American
mascots from postseason tournaments. Buck up, people! The NCAA can
still exploit African Americans in every way, shape and form.
NHL ED: Yeah. Right. Now, I couldn't
even keep track of all the NBA player movement. You think I can keep
all the NHL movement straight? I laugh. Laugh, I say. Now I go nap.
PR: Person who probably had the worst week? Miroslav Satan.
Welcome to the Islanders. Welcome to Hell.
ED: Oh, word on the street
is that Wayne Gretzky is going to coach the Phoenix Coyotes.
Nice. The only hockey player most Americans can name coaching an
American team most American's don't know even exists.
OTHER ED: Hall of Fame women's college
basketball coach Sue Gunter dead at 66.
ED: Hall of Fame jockey Pat Day
retires. What, with his recent acting stint in Charlie and The
Chocolate Factory as an Oompa Loompa and all…Oh.
ED: OK. This week is the Allstate
400 at the Brickyard. I suck. And Tony Stewart wins the race, by
the way. Well, I think so. 'Course, what are the odds I can
get that right?
PR: The poor man’s John Daly –
Jason Gore - earned his PGA Tour card. No, no, no – it’s his own card.
They didn’t take David Duval’s and give it to him.