The
Week That Was
ED:
And now introducing our waiver wire pick ups - JOE FRIESEN and JUSTIN
SLOTMAN!!! They're not booing you, guys.
They're just chanting JOOOOOOOO-GE.
JS:
Oh, you don't have to cushion the blow, Ed. I know the VP fanbase was hoping
for a high-priced
acquisition,
like one of the Deadspin guys. Or-I don't know-one of Bill Simmons' old
interns.
JF: So should I do these before or after I get
drunk for the night? What should my VP
catchphrase be?
How
much does this gig pay? I'm so full of
questions but eager to learn!
PR:
Drunk or angry is the only times I am even passably funny.
BB:
Mmm...I can't wait for the hazing.
BB:
I am not even going to shill the Bill Barnwell family of football websites and
the 1800 articles I wrote this week right now. I am THAT proud of our new
additions. Not only did we acquire Friesen and Justin, but we also, in a Rule
XVII Draft (it's a draft MLB invented for Bowden to entertain himself
post-trade deadline) acquisition, picked up, really, our favorite person in all
the Internet. Well, outside of Dibz. Assuming he's not
strangling/murdering/raping Phoenix-area residents - my hero -please welcome -
to VP - MARC MANNING.
MM:
I'm the dork in the corner who falls for four move checkmates at chess club,
and the captain of cheerleading squad kissed me in her backyard yesterday. So
why is SHE the one bragging to everyone at lunch the next day??
PR:
This is potentially the most worked on WTW ever. And I had almost nothing to do
with it. Aww… maybe that should be a hint. On a complete side note – I am
watching this morning show Final Score thingy on FSN at my folks and this
Andrew Siciliano guy has ears bigger than Reggie Miller. I didn’t think that
was possible. Of course, he can probably hear my keystrokes from here.
MLB
ED: TRADES!!!
The Reds pick up P Ryan Franklin and cash from the Phillies for the ol'
PTBNL. The D-Backs pick up P Livan
Hernandez from the Nats for P's Garrett Mock and Matt Chico. The Reds pick up OF Todd Hollandsworth from
the Indians for the ol' PTBNL.
JF: God, I hate sports already.
BB:
Sure - sure - the Diamondbacks don't really need Livan Hernandez. He's not going to make any
difference
to their playoff hopes. But you know someone will want a starting pitcher in
the winter and
they
will get more value than two minor-league pitching prospects (mmm...flotsam)
for him. You know, the same strategy that got the A's to sign Esteban Loaiza.
That work...oh.
MM:
Diamondbacks name AJ Hinch director of player development. This is akin to
digging up Yassir Arafat and having his corpse draft a peace settlement between
PR:
I yet again reference the moment that Ed and I found out that AJ Hinch was even
retired. I really should just repost that blurb I wrote about catchers that
Hinch is currently better than.
ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The Dodgers activate 2B Jeff
Kent from the DL. The Mets pick up
LATINO!!! Ricky Ledee and waive
LESSER-LATINO! Eli Marrero. The D-Rays
activate P Scott Kazmir from the DL. The
Twins call up PROSPECTS!!! Matt Garza and Boof Bonser. The O's call up P Daniel Cabrera from the
minors. The Royals activate CAPTAIN!!!
Mike Sweeney from the DL. The Yankees
activate 2B Robinson Cano from the DL.
The Astros call up PROSPECT!!!
Jason Hirsh. The Blue Jays activate P
Gustavo Chacin from the DL. The Dodgers
activate CANCER!!! Nomar Garciaparra from the DL. The Indians call up PROSPECT!!! Ryan
Garko.
MM:
Astros designated Preston Wilson for assignment so the team can add Hirsch.
PR:
Well on the road he probably doesn’t have Andy Pettite trying to make him join
his cult… oh wait… Clemens is the one who doesn’t travel. Hmmm… maybe all the
Stros road games have been in Coors?
ED: DL LIST!!!
Dodgers P Elmer Dessens (ankle), Indians OF? Casey Blake (ankle), Braves
P Horacio Ramirez (finger), Yankees UTL Miguel Cairo (hammy), Blue Jays P Chris
Speier (forearm), Twins PHENOM! Francisco Liriano (elbow), Marlins P Logan
Kensing (wrist), Mets OF Cliff Floyd (Achilles)
JF: Yeah, everyone was all like, "Man,
Lirano's hurt, we're all screwed," and I was all "Chuh as IF!
He'll
be back in a week, relax, Frankie!"
And, yeah, he's pretty much done for the year. Point being,
don't
listen to me.
BB:
I am pretty sure Aaron Gleeman's suffering from a disease commonly associated
with sexual teasing right now. But since we don't work blue - keep that in mind
young pups -
ED: The Reds are astounded that P Gary Majewski
was - SHOCK! - damaged goods before Nats GM MC Bowdes pawned him off on the
Reds. Damn straight they should be mad! I mean, if the Reds knew he was damaged they
would have asked for another pitcher - and thrown Adam Dunn in the deal. BUT-BUT-BUT, calm down people, this all
caused Reds GM Wayne Krivsky TO REFER TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON!!!! Yep.
Once a trend hits
BB:
I didn't know Phil's sex life made it to
PR:
Aww….
JF: Can we rush Snakes on a Plane to
ED: There was some sweet Marlins mess last week
with owner Jeffrey Loria possibly-maybe coming
thisclose
to firing Manager Joe Girardi for not...getting the Marlins a new stadium? Not being into cyber? Not buying a Picasso? Something along those lines.
JF: So is this where I fall back on
WTW-by-numbers and say something about Bud Selig and a showering cap? I'm so confused.
ED: Tigers minor leaguer Alexis Gomez hits four
home runs against MYYYY BELOVED COLUMBUS CLIPPERS!!! I shed more tears for sweet-sexy COLTER BEAN.
JF: Colter Bean?
BB:
Awww...he needs to be selected in the Rule CCXL draft where players who weigh
more than 240
pounds
can be drafted to a new team.
PR:
The best is when you go to the Clippers web page they have a big graphic about
how Colter Bean is going to break the record for MOST GAMES EVER PLAYED BY A
CLIPPER~! Poor poor not really worthy milestones.
ED: A federal judge rules that fantasy baseball
leagues can continue using player names and stats
without
licensing agreements as such are not the intellectual property of MLB.
AWESOME!!! I can
continue
on not paying attention to my fantasy teams without having to hate anonymous
people.
BB:
This HAS to be why the Fantasy Danish Superliga game could never get started.
JF: Eh, sleeping in, missing the draft and seeing
that Yahoo drafted "San Francisco LF" sounds a lot
more
palatable to me than what actually happened.
ED: A fan who jumped from the upper deck of
Yankee Stadium onto the screen behind home plate is
barred
for life from ever attending another Yankee game. I wonder if Michael Kay can compare this to
the
Nazi ovens somehow.
JF: What about slavery? We used to have slaves in this country. So why should I have to pre-rinse my
dishes
before putting them in the dishwasher?
PR:
God – I can’t believe it took me to just this second (as I was trying to think
of some sort John Sterling/Suzy Waldman joke to work in here) that how many
freaking jets do the Yankees use because there can’t be any possible way that
Michael Kay’s and John Sterling’s egos can fit on the same plane. I assume that
Kay would love to whip out on like catering table and start screaming. “I AM
THE FACE OF THE YANKEES” and John Sterling would grumble under his breath about
“that damn woman” holding him back and then he would ask my sister up to his
hotel room again.
ED: Mets SCRAP!!! Paul Lo Duca's hot
Playboy-model wife files for divorce accusing him of infidelity. Obviously, this would not have happened if
DePo had not traded Lo Duca from the Dodgers.
JF: Mmm, leggy!
MM:
At one point in my life it was acceptable to have unacceptable thoughts about
Paul LoDuca. Then, he had to get all LEADERSHIP and VETERAN and SCRAP or
something. And every scribe, pundit, or talking head had to remind you about
it. Over. And over. And then he put on one of the 56 different Mets jerseys.
So, LoDuca...go climb on top of Bonds in the Sun Devils Its OK To Hate Heap.
It's Andre Ethier Town, now.
ED: Reds SCRAP!!! Ryan Freel talks to a little
man in his head called Farney. No word
on if he talks
to
three little guys named Farney when getting his DUI's.
JF: This is what happened with Wayne Krivsky, but
he has a dozen multiple personalities, all named
Wayne
Krivsky. And in a weird moment of
synchronicity, I queued up Dream Police by Cheap Trick
right
before reading this. EERIE!
ED: ROID NEWZ!
Yankees minor leaguer Daniel McCutchen is suspended 50 games for the ol'
performance
enhancers.
BB:
I blame Matt Lawton for not setting the veteran precedent. Well, I mean, I
guess he did set the
veteran
precedent. Just turns out that precedent was to stick a syringe in your butt.
JF: TAKE IT AWAY, SLOTMAN!
CFL
WEEK
NINE!!!
JS:
B.C. 32,
it
slip gently into wherever deleted television programs go. Ugly ugly
12-to-a-side football.
BB:
Is that the same realm where my Scott Mailman tapes are?
PR:
If that is the case – the answer would be
JS:
ED: Ahh, see.
Phil and Bill and I were discussing how we could be lazier about this
site. And we all go - DOUBLE THE NUMBERS
SO WE CAN LIKE DO NOTHING!!! And
normally on a Sunday afternoon, I'm all about plugging in the various blanks I
throw in here on a Friday afternoon. But
dear-sweet Slotman fills in the blanks for me!
And now I can go back to my four day weekend. Well, actually, I can go back to putting aloe
on top of my sunburned head and whimper.
JS:
ED: YES!!!
I am now fully prepared for the Aaron Brooks era in
PR:
God… did I actually pick
JS:
ED: It's never good to see a kicker celebrate,
Slotman. Unless that kicker is a
Grammatica, of course.
MM:
I am relieved for Sandro DeAngelis. I thought he was one of the only ECW
hangers-on to not get a WWE check. Kicking in
BB:
Stupid people beating me to jokes. Immediately I want to fire this man.
NFL
ED: Former Lions DT Bob Miller dead at 76. He is best know as Alex Karris' wife on
Webs- Oh. He wasn't?
Really? Damn.
ED: We've got us some NFL FRONT OFFICE NEWZ! WHEE!!!
Roger Goodell is named the new NFL Commissioner and will assume the
position by September 7th. And Ray Anderson, former agent for Dennis Green and
Tony Dungy and former Falcons VP, is named VP of Football Operations.
BB:
I read that as Football Outsiders and I was real confused for a second.
JF: And Mayo A. Shattuck III will assume the
position of Commissioner of Bill's Heart.
And I like
him
too. (Mayo, not Bill)
BB:
You are a jerk Friesen.
ED: The Bengals introduce a hotline for fans to
use and fink out rowdy drunken fans.
Yeah. Umm.
Yeah. Far-far-far too easy.
JF: Fink?
ED: Damn youth movement. I WILL GO AL LEITER ON THE
MM:
[Fox TV announcer voice] "On this episode of 'The Surreal Life', 64,000
plus fans, some waiting as early as 9:00am to tailgate, fill a sparkling, brand
spankin' new stadium in the suburbs of Phoenix to watch Kurt Warner and the
Arizona Cardinals jump on early and eventually defeat the defending Super Bowl
champions in an NFL sanctioned football game..."
ED: INJURIES!!!
Browns C Bob Hallen (possibly done for the season due to back and
personal
issues),
Patriots LB Tedy Bruschi (broken wrist), Seahwaks T Porkchop Womack (hammy),
GIANTS
LB
#56 (knee), Redskins G Kili Lefotu (some sorta illness)
JF: Personal issues, that's like erectile
dysfunction, right?
BB:
Hallen actually retired. That means I am pretty sure the Browns are open to the
idea of Serge
Zwikker
or Adam Oates being their starting center once the season starts. That's right
- I went with the
ANY
CENTER WORKS! joke.
ED: Like I didn't think Serge Zwikker was a
cousin to Jooge.
PR:
Aww… this guy’s http://www.littyhoops.com/Serge.htm
Serge Zwikker FPOTM vs. Bill’s FPOTM
http://www.veteranpresence.com/FPOTM/zwikker.html
ED:
PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Bills release LB
Jeff Posey. The Chiefs sign DT Shane
Burton. The Bucs sign TE Leonard
Stephens and release WR Terrence Stubbs.
JS:
TIMMY CHANG! Still not cut! I think.
BB:
Wow - first week in and already people are stealing each other's gimmicks.
JS:
But...but Jooge told me all gimmicks were jointly owned by the collective......
MM:
Among quarterbacks who might check "Pacific Islander" on census
forms, Timmy Chang is my wife. Has dinner on the table right when you want it,
shirts ironed with the creases in perfect place, starchy but not board stiff, true
love that you vow to cherish through practice squads and NFL-E tours. "She
might be nuthin' to you but she's the [stuff] to me." Now
BB:
We had to edit that one a little bit. You figure out where.
JF: Bleh, football offseason is as boring as
baseball offseason is infuriating.
PR:
But… but… Clinton Portis separated his shoulder. I am sure the
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Redskins S Sean Taylor is fined four game
paychecks for violating the league's personal conduct policy. Bengals G Eric Steinbach is arrested for
operating a boat while under the influence of THE GRAPES OF WRATH! Ravens CB Deion Sanders is accused of trying
to help sweep under the rug the rape of a
JF: Heehee, I take it all back!
BB:
I know that I have often felt the effects of Tortilla Flat at the wrong time
(dates, the middle of rows at Fenway, one and the same...) and blamed my
evangelist friend. That didn't make any sense.
Oh well. Today, two missionaries from the
MM:
Speaking of media and stupid, USA Today columnist Michael Hiestand says the
perfect replacement for NFL on Fox host James Brown is...Joe Buck. Yes. The
world needs more Joe Buck. He's hawking beer. He's on my TV commericals letting
dudes touch his throat. He does play-by-play for every sports under the sun
'cept women's field curling.
PR:
Wow… I mean… yeah… I am not going to say anything because it is possible that
this could lead to a really really long rant.
ED: NFL or NCAA?
NFL or NCAA? Meh. Whateve -
JF: He was found near the home of a witness in
his burglary case. So, clearly, Maurice
Clarett IS Keyser Soze.
NCAA
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!
rules. (Yeah.
Who knew they had team rules.)
USC football player Dwayne Jarrett is reinstated to the
team
after the NCAA rules he did no wrong in sponging off Matt Leinart. Former
player
Pierre Pierce is denied early parole for terrorizing an ex-girlfriend.
JF: "Sponging off"? I thought you guys didn't want to work
blue. I'm sorry, that just sounds really
dirty.
SOCCER
CHAMPIONS
LEAGUE THIRD QUALIFYING ROUND! FIRST LEG!!!!
JS:
Red Bull Salzburg upsets
you
become a successful soccer club.
BB:
Or maybe a few more cans of Red Bull.
MM:
Hey, NBA superstar Steve Nash worked out with the Red Bulls. And shaved his
head. Is that footy-related?
PR:
Steve Nash may or may not be taller than Richie Williams. And he plays as much
defense as Jeff Agoos does. HE IS THE PERFECT BRUCE ARENA PLAYER!!!!
JS:
Hearts 1, AEK
in
the tank on Wednesday (and that was their home game too.)
BB:
Do you think Hearts feels threatened by
Russian
oligarch's
PR:
I really should run Hearts one of these times.
JS:
BB:
You know who the ideal airplane suicide bomber would be? Dennis Bergkamp. No
one would
EVER
expect it.
PR:
NICE~!
JS:
Rotten cheaters AC Milan beat Red Star Belgrade one goal to none.
BB:
Not that I need to get Rippa's back but if you are relying on a Eastern
European soccer team to be
on
the level, no one is winning.
JS:
EXHIBITION GAMES! That I shouldn't care about but do!
what
sounded like a wildly entertaining game. D.C. United tied Real Madrid 1-1.
Pride of
Alecko
Eskandarian scored the D.C. goal. Of course, the North American franchise that
could not hold up their end of the deal was Red Bull
BB:
girlfriend.
PR:
If “
BB:
David Beckham left out of English national team for upcoming matches. Steve
McLaren still a
dandy.
JS:
FA COMMUNITY SHIELD!
PR:
Aww… maybe if I hadn’t played PartyPoker so much maybe my wife would have
approved my purchase of Setanta.
BB:
Justin just taunts me and Rippa with his Setanta access. This is going to be a
long year.
JS:
Bundesliga begins! The world's most entertaining soccer league! I think I will
adopt newly-promoted Energie Cottbus this season,
BB:
You know what it was like to be a Red Sox fan with Doug Mientkiewicz on your
roster. Of course - by the time I learned how to spell it - he had taken his
ball to
JS:
Ligue 1 or Le Championnat (I guess it depends on the translator) began as well.
I will not drive away the remaining readership with my recap of the Lens-Lille
match I watched out of the corner of my eye.
BB:
For some reason I have this idea that you only saw what happened on one side of
the field because you watched it out of the corner of your eye and that makes
me really happy and want to see this report.
NBA
ED: New Sonics owner, Clay Bennett, wants a new
"world class" arena modeled after
Field. So wait, then is their plan to import top
Japanese basketball players? Can I make
a "Lump" joke?
JF: I get to see roller derby at Key Arena Labor
Day Weekend. I honestly can't tell you how
excited I
am
about it.
ED: Wait!
How the hell did Dave Meltzer post to this?
MM:
Been wondering about this since I read it...if you made your living selling
your pro wrestling newsletter, and needed newsletter subscribers so you could
eat or buy mullet products, would you ever say that your obituary for some
roller derby star got more cred and publicity from Mainstream America than
anything you ever wrote concerning wrestling? Because, Meltz did that.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Knicks coach/GM Isiah Thomas denies sexual
harassment charges. Former
ALL
STAR!!! Eddie Johnson is arrested for sexually assaulting an 8 year-old girl.
JF: True story:
Skip Bayliss being typically clueless was reading the story on the Jim
Rome show and
went
on and on about how he always thought the announcer for the Suns had been such
a great guy
and
never would've imagined he could stoop to something so low and despicable. That moment when
someone
slipped him a note saying "WRONG EDDIE JOHNSON, IDIOT" and his
subsequent backtracking was one of those moments that make listening to sports
talk radio SO worth it.
BB:
Now if Zeke sexually harassed an eight year old girl, we would be all set. I
wonder if he thinks he
can
use one of his exemptions for that.
PR:
As long as the girl plays small forward. Centers are not welcome on the Knicks.
JS:
FIBA WORLDS WARMUP GAMES! I'll put this here! After destroying
Team
with
any half-competent team in the tournament. Stupid yet another way for Coach K
to get himself
on
television...
PR:
At least he is racking up frequent flier miles on his AMEX.
JS:
Team
JF: But THEO WOLCOTT?! Dub-tee-eff??
MM:
One-time Hornet, et al Michael Curry hired to be VP of basketball operations
for the entire NBA. World B. Free is
NHL
ED: We'll just lump this all together and move on
with our lives - Bruins president Harry Sinden
resigns. Flyers D Eric Desjardins retires.
JS:
We still don't have anybody who actually follows the NHL around here, do we?
PR:
Aww… we don’t have any Canadian readership. MORE POUTINE JOKES! STAT!
JF: What was your favorite memory of the Harry
Sinden era, Ed?
BB:
Poor poor Hockey Prospectus dreams.
OTHER
ED: Kevin Harvick wins the AMD at The Glen. God, all we really need is two more people -
one who gives a crap about hockey and the other who can somehow tolerate NASCAR
and we are set. God, I could it back and
just Jooge do all my work if that happened.
PR:
ROAD RACE! WITH A MULTI-CAR CRASH!!! I really actually wish I had been home to
see this. Of course, the Tony Stewart swerved us all by not punching Kevin
Harvick in the face. I hear he is gay.
JS:
Michelle Wie's agent, acting on orders of OH I DON'T KNOW WHO, fired her caddy
after the British Open two-stroke penalty debacle. I think B.J. Wie has passed
Richard Williams on the sports parents loathsomeness rankings.
JF: I turn left... wait...
BB:
He is still below Sam Rosen. SHAME ON YOU FOR CALLING YOUR SON'S BASEBALL GAMES
AND DENYING OTHER PARENTS THE
PR:
Okay – now we are stealing each other’s stories. Of course, I don’t need to buy
World Series tickets to not have sex.
JS:
Major League Lacrosse playoffs set! It shall be the Denver Outlaws vs. the San
Francisco Dragons and the Philadelphia Barrage vs. the Boston Cannons. That's a
whole lot of violence-promoting franchise names somebody would have a problem
with if that somebody watched the MLL.
ED: And Slotman forgot that the WNBA playoffs are
all set too. Bill is actually working on
the playoff preview for Oprah's website.