The Week That
Was
ED: Viva
BB: I’m actually
screwing with you all. I went to Tahoe for a week. And it was FANTASTIC.
MLB
ED: Former MLB
Manager for loads of teams, Gene Mauch, dead at 79.
And no, he didn't die from choking, smart guy.
PR: But Donnie
Moore did. Aww… I went there.
BB: For jokes
like this I say a little prayer for Aidan every night. Because
he is a doomed, doomed child.
ED: Former Negro
League star, Ted ``Double Duty'' Radcliffe, dead at
103
PR: You know –
he was doing this weird tour promoting the history of the Negro league almost
up till the time of his death. I mean, if I was over hundred, the last thing I
would want to do is ride around is some 19th rate Pope-mobile, with
stupid hippie college kids asking me stupid things like “Black people played
baseball? really????” God, I hate youth. Oh that was
me – not Double Duty. Though it’s quite possible his last words were that or
“stupid white people”.
BB: If only I
had gotten the Ben and Jerry’s summer job..
ED: Rangers P
Kenny Rogers gets his 20 game suspension cut to 13 games by an arbitrator.
YAY!!! The Rangers season is saved!
PR: Oooof – this bugged
me. Of course not as much as the fans who called up hideous talk radio shows
saying that it was the media’s fault and that there should be no cameramen or
reporters at games ever.
BB: Can’t we
just blame everyone and have baseball totally suspended for a month?
ED: Rafael Palmeiro returns from his suspension. JOY!!!
PR: Brady
Anderson approves.
BB: I approve of
everyone spelling Palmiero’s name right this time.
ED: Your weekly
cripple list includes: Orioles P Sidney Ponson
(calf…no he didn't eat an entire calf…well, maybe he did. But he injured his
calf. Though, the possibility that this is related to him eating an entire calf
is pretty high), Orioles MANLY-MEATY!!! B.J. Surhoff
(getting' his groin right), Red Sox P Wade Miller (shoulder…SHOCK!!!), Rangers
P Ricardo Rodriguez (shoulder bruise), Padres P Adam Eaton (finger), Mets
GLOVE!!! Doug Misspelling (back), Phillies 1B Jim Thome (now done for the season to have elbow surgery), Mets
OF Mike Cameron (broken face. Uh-huh.), Pirates OF Jody Gerut (knee), Braves C Johnny Estrada (lumbar and cervical
strain), Giants OF Moises Alou
(pee-stained hammy), Indian P Arthur Rhodes (knee), Mariners OF Chris Snelling
(knee), Twins SS Juan Castro (knee), Brewers P's Julio Santana (elbow) and Matt
Wise (shoulder), Tigers OF Ron-DL White (shoulder)
PR: The story
that Ed really wanted to share with Bill while he was gone was the horror that
was the Cameron/Beltran train wreck. The neck breakyness
scared Ed while I said I thought the Damon/Damian Jackson get together was worse.
Either way – I guess this means that people will be pimping Cameron as MVP next
year. Stupid Jesus.
BB: You would have
thought Ed mighta found a Pixies reference or a Big
Black reference or a GG Allin reference or something
for the Alou injury.
ED: Some more
player movement includes: the Red Sox getting LOOGY! Mike Remlinger
from the Cubs for P Olivo Astacio,
the Dodgers getting OF Jose Cruz, Jr. from the Red Sox for the ol' PTBNL, the Red Sox signing P Ricky Bottalico,
the White Sox signing P Jim Bullinger, the Mariners
releasing OLYMPIC HERO!!! Pat Borders, the Mets signing P Shingo Takatsu (FOR
THE PLAYOFF PUSH!!!), the Giants DFA'ing P Kirk
Reuter
BB: I was so
confused at the Remlinger trade. Because I knew we
didn’t have Pedro Astacio anymore. I didn’t think we’d
acquired Ezequiel Astacio.
(And about Ezequiel Astacio
– was he REALLY born to a Latino mother and a Amish
father? How did this work?) So I was confused. And a Jim Bullinger
sighting just delays his FPOTM a few years. And Pat Borders might just become
Pat Gillick’s butler now.
PR: I was
ill-prepared for the anger that was Kirk Reuter. Ed was ill-prepared for the
loss of another baseball player older than him. Be brave Pat Borders. You will
manage Single A soon enough. Sadly – I confused
Takatsu and Kaz Tadano. I guess all look same for me
and I need to go back to reading Fanball.
ED: San
Francisco radio talk show host Larry Krueger and his program manager Bob Agnew
are fired for Krueger's comments about the Giants' Latin players and Manager
Felipe Alou. One can expect Krueger in a Midwest
market next season.
PR: You are
implying that he will be calling Reds games. Of course, wouldn’t that mean
getting rid of one of the two drunks who currently do the games? Yeah – things
aren’t going to be pretty in
BB: Man, it’s gotta be hard to be a Reds homer radio announcer at this point.
GO JUNG! SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT! STUPID BI---oh boy.
ED: Diamondbacks
announcer Mark Grace curses on air and…will get no punishment. Mmm, whiteness.
PR: Aww… maybe if Mark Grace took steroids, he wouldn’t have
such a potty mouth.
BB: I just came
this close to cursing in this WTW so I understand. Of course, the media hasn’t
jumped on the “Matt Williams turned down the Diamondbacks GM position” story
which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Would he get $50 million for that
too? Would he only show up half the time for that, too?
ED: HEY!!! FAN
NEWZ!!! An 18 year-old fan at Yankee Stadium jumps 50 feet from the upper deck
onto the backstop screen and is arrested. A fan at a Marlins-Diamondbacks game
is hit by Shawn Green's bat and suffers a ruptured spleen.
PR: I’m sure the
ruptured spleen guy got a coupon for a free beer and they were probably like
“What the F am I supposed to do with this?”. The
Yankee fan… well he just is another example of why I am ashamed of being a
Yankee fan. Stupid fans.
BB: I will make
the joke about being confused about Shawn Green hitting something hard enough
to knock the ball into the outfield, let alone rupture anything, but that joke
is played as Green is in a hitter’s ballpark now. Completely
soused.
ED: Marlins
minor leaguer Wilson Delgado is suspended 30 days for violating the league's 'roid policy for the second time. Steroids now officially no
longer considered a performance enhancing drug.
PR: I can’t wait
for Michael Kay to confuse Carlos Delgado with him and then wonder why Carlos
would be upset.
CFL
WEEK EIGHT!!!
ED: Aww, TiCats in panic mode!
Hamilton trades WR Chris Brazzell to Winnipeg for Kamau Peterson. Oh yeah, and the TiCats
move GM Ron Lancaster to the position of Sr. Director of Football Operations
and promote Rob Katz as their new GM.
PR: Now that
sounds like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic to me.
ED: Kerry Joseph
runs for two TD's and throws for another as Ottawa
tops Saskatchewan, 22-17.
ED: Robert
Edwards runs for 123 yards and a TD as Montreal edges Toronto, 18-12.
PR: HEY! How did
I miss the Robert Edwards returns to football in the CFL story? Smart career
choice - there are none of those pesky beaches in Canada.
ED: Dave
Dickenson returns to throw for 402 yards as BC handles Calgary, 39-31.
ED: Keith Stokes and Charles Roberts go insane as
Winnipeg detroys Hamilton, 44-14. Oh yeah, the TiCats
are doing a good job in preparing me for the Raiders '05 season.
PR: Buck up Ed –
supposedly Danny McManus has been benched. Of course, Khari
Jones will probably blow out his knee on the first series and you will cry cry cry.
SOCCER
PR: YAY! lots of leagues return. Sadly – Millwall
and Portsmouth immediately take up their positions at the bottom of the table. Oof…
BB: Poor Rippa is saddened.
PR: The story I
wish Bill had been around to share with was the Amado
Guevara hates MLS one. Guevara clearly is unsettled. Feels he made the wrong
decision in signing with you. Expects to be leaving the club
soon. And most importantly – hates you.
BB: Oh – screw Rippa. Stealing my gimmick. Now I am just going to point out the Phil Rippa Comedy of Errors section.
PR: British
tables not sure what to do with themselves now since
Michael Essien finally joined Chelsea. No worries
mates. Robert Van Pierse or Joey Barton will be back
on the town soon enough.
BB: I think Rippa meant British tabloids here. I am of course also allowing for the
possibility that the “table” (British for standings) might have been thrown in
an uproar as a result of the signing, but Chelsea were already first last year
and the favorites for first this year, so that doesn’t change anything. I am
also allowing for the possibility that Rippa may have
been making some Billy Beane-throwing-tables
reference and relating it back to soccer but…I think Rippa
just has big fingers. He is proportional, remember.
BB: Oh and he
probably also meant Robin Van Persie. PROBABLY.
PR: was hurt
when struck by his manager’s shoe as the shoe flew off in a fit of rage during
the game. Seriously, who throws a shoe. Ahh… Joe Son, your Kung Fu is weak.
BB: Rippa also did not stick a name in front of “was hurt” and
I assume he has no managers or luchadores throwing a
shoe at him.
PR: QPR director
was forced at gun point to sign a letter of resignation. Aww…
no one in
BB: Well, I
mean, it’s not like Philip Anschutz is going to play
Russian Roulette with himself.
NFL
ED: The Eagles
will retire Reggie White's number before their December 5 game against Seattle.
Yeah, there's no chance any gays will be there to tarnish Reggie's moment.
PR: Oh like that
match against Steve McMichael didn’t do enough damage
already.
BB: Couldn’t
they have played the Lions and made sure?
ED: Eagles WR
Terrell Owens walks out of camp after arguing with head coach Andy Reid and is suspended through August 17. Yeah-yeah, we all want it to go
away. But, at least the TO interviews are entertaining.
PR: I so would
have loved to hear thoughts from one of TO’s
neighbors. “Honey – why is that Owens boy doing crunches in our driveway?”
BB: Considering
Owens’ likely neighbors, that is spot on.
ED: Ravens RB
Jamal Lewis returns to camp after serving his jail time. Ray
Lewis still laughing at him.
PR: Of course,
B.J. Sams made sure that the Ravens quota of folks in
trouble with the law was still filled.
BB: To get in
the Ravens inner circle, you totally have to commit a felony. Next month Ozzie
Newsome is gonna want to get a prime time on the
weightlifting schedule and he is going to rape a nine year old girl or
something.
ED: INJURIES!!!
Steelers RB Duce Staley undergoes knee surgery and will be out a month. Packers LB Nail Diggs out for a couple of weeks with a partially
torn MCL. Broncos RB Maurice Clarett hurts his
groin and is out indefinitely. Bills G Lawrence Smith tears his right quad and
will miss 3 months. Steelers LB Joey Porter undergoes knee surgery and will
miss four weeks. Seahawks OT Jerry Wunsch probably
out for the season with a foot injury. Steelers TE Marco Battaglia
is put on the IR and is out for the year. The Bills place TE Kevin Everett on
the PUP list. Colts DE Nathaniel Abidi put on the IR
and is out for the year. Bears QB Rex
Grossman breaks his ankle and is out 3-4 months.
PR: Bill regrets
not being able to mock Grossman properly because he was in Vegas. I still laugh
and laugh and laugh because Chad Hutchinson is the starter now.
BB: I am still
debating whether I laughed more seeing the Cameron-Beltran injury at
ED: PLAYER
MOVEMENT!!! CB Ty Law signs with the Jets. The Jets trade S Jon McGraw to the Lions for a conditional draft pick.
The Jets cut CB Pete Hunter. The Eagles sign DE Juqua
Thomas. HEISMAN WINNER!!! Jason White retires.
PR: Oh yeah –
the Jets giving up Pete Hunter was… a typical Jets move. Chris Doering is certainly white enough to keep playing in
ED:
Recently-retired Steelers announcer Myron Cope apologizes for giving a rambling
speech at the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies after he received the Pete Rozelle Radio-Television award. Phil and I then had an
interest...err, a discussion about this, involving us mocking Cope for wanting
one more Steeler in the
BB: I will let
this be.
ED: Hey! Pacman Jones had a fun little week. He's still holding out
from the Titans and going to court and stuff. In the meantime, he hasn't been
arrested for a couple of weeks so he's spent the week lashing out at his future
teammates about not backing him up in his contract demands and then sues the
guys who accused him of assaulting him for conspiring to extort him.
ED: Stop me if you've heard this before, former
Raider C Barrett Robbins busted for pot possess...Oh. OK. Wasn't sure if anyone knew about Robbins having some problems.
PR: WHOO-HOO!!!!
I get death pool credit. Right?
BB: No way. I
have had 9000 idiot stoners tell me how pot is non-addictive and good for you –
oh wait, now I’m talking about the college stoner
lifestyle. I guess I didn’t need that Ben and Jerry’s job after all.
NBA
ED: Ehh. Other than some more player movement that none of us
cares about, there is some funny involving the Atlanta Hawks ownership group
wanting to kick Steve Belkin out of the group since
he killed a deal for Joe Johnson. NBA commish David
Stern is on the anti-Belkin side.
BB: Is this
Steve Belkin the one who owns the company that makes the
crappy computer cables. I hate that guy. Stupid mice eating through freaking
reinforced Ethernet cable. Stupid Mission Hill. Stupid city.
ED: Oh, Michael
Jordan is being grilled about a forest fire his golf party may have caused.
Well, I guess since his father can't be murdered again, a forest fire may be
the best people can do to him now.
PR: Is this how
the crying Indian getting his revenge against the white man? Wait
that doesn’t work. Maybe he hates Smokey the Bear. And sadly, I know
that Bill has no idea what we are talking about.
BB: Oh yeah,
because no over-played television commercial has EVER made it to 21st
century television. On VH1. With
Michael Ian Black talking about it. Ever.
NCAA
ED: Two former
South Carolina football players allege in court that head coach Steve Spurrier promised that they would not be charged for theft
if they returned the electronic equipment they stole from the school's football
stadium. Coach 'em up, Steve!
PR: Did Steve
immediately get on his copter to go play golf? God I miss
Spurrier as Redskin coach.
ED:
ED:
PR: Yeah – maybe
they can finally recruit a kicker who can kick the ball straight. One Scott Bentley FPOTM coming right up.
ED:
PR: I certainly
hope it wasn’t Rebecca Lobo porn.
NHL
ED: Eric Lindros to the Leafs? Oh, that's beautiful. God, I hope
there's a Lindros bobblehead
night in
PR: Aww… why must you mock
ED: Canucks RW
Todd Bertuzzi is reinstated by the league. Hey, you
know, there's a guy who can help with the Eric Lindros
bobblehead night.
OTHER
ED: The PGA
Championship? Yeah, that's going to go
on an extra day, where I assume a 13 year-old girl will beat the entire field
or something.
PR: Well Phil
Mickelson does have about the same size breasts as a 13 year old girl.
BB: That’s just
mean.
ED: Tony Stewart
wins the Sirius Satellite Radio at the Glen.
I think. Who can be sure when I'm
reporting on NASCAR?
PR: Aww… they turned left… and right. Oh those road courses are
wacky.
PR: The Indy Car
race had Amber Alert in the name. That seemed wrong to me. I mean what’s next. The Code Adam 500?