The Week That Was 8/14/06 - 8/20/06 

 

PR: Stupid lack of computer. Stupid lack of internet. Stupid lack of cable. Stupid everything.

 

JF:  Yeah, I like that you guys tapped me to do this when I’m poor and my TV’s broken and I have no cable and no more MLB.tv.  Basically, no way to watch sports beyond ESPN box scores.

 

JS: And I’m doing this at work because I have to work extra hours to pay for the Setanta-which means I have no time to watch Setanta! Oh pitiless irony!

 

MLB

 

ED:  TRADES!!!  The Reds pick up P Scott Schoeneweis from the Blue Jays for the ol’ PTBNL or cash.  The Red Sox pick up ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!!! Eric Hinske from the Blue Jays for the ol’ PTBNL.  The Tigers pick up…umm…yeah…Neifi Perez from the Cubs for C Chris Robinson.  The Phillies pick up P Jamie Moyer and cash from the Mariners for P's Andrew Baldwin and Andrew Barb.  The Mets pick up LATINO!!! Guillermo Mota and cash from the Indians for the ol’ PTBNL.

 

PR: Aww… has anyone told the Reds that they should actually acquire pitchers who aren’t crippled? I mean, yes, they will need someone to break it down to a second grade level so the Ohioians could understand but I am sure that SOMEONE could do it.

 

ED:  ROSTER MOVES!!! The Rockies sign RBI MACHINE!!!! Vinny Castilla.  The A’s activate P Joe Kennedy and SS Bobby Crosby from the DL.  The D-Backs call up PVC!!! Jose Valverde. The Angels call up OF Reggie Willits and ship out P Chris Bootcheck.  The Giants DFA BITTER!!! Jose Vizcaino and call up IF Kevin Frandsen.  The Cards call up SPEED!!! Timo Perez and ship out P Brad Thompson.  The Astros officially release Li’l Mookie Wilson.  The Cardinals sign OF Li’l Mookie Wislon.  The D-Rays call up P Chad Orvella and DFA P Chad Harville.  The Mets call up PROSPECT!!! Heath Bell.  The Yankees activate P Octavio Dotel from the DL, ship out P Jose Veras, call up P T.J. Beam and release NORTHEASTERN GRAD!!! Carlos Pena.  The Red Sox call up P Craig Breslow, DFA C Corky Miller and sign NORTHESTERN GRAD!!! Carlos Pena.  The Nats activate 2B Jose Vidro from the DL. P Jason Johnson was stinky in Game 1 and the Red Sox DFA him before Game 2.

 

PR: Aww… has anyone told Vinny Castilla about the humidor yet? Of course, you will have to find someone in Denver that speaks Spanish. When is the next time a Molina brother comes to down?

 

JF:  Would Wislon be some long lost relative of Jooge’s?

 

PR: Jooge’s pet volleyball?

 

ED:  DL LIST!!!  Reds P Kent Mercker (out for the season and likely done for good after elbow surgery), Pirates OF Nate McLouth (ankle), D-Backs P Greg Aquino (forearm), Rangers P Kip Wells (foot), Tigers 2B Placido Polanco (shoulder - out at least 4-6 weeks), Mets P Pedro Martinez (calf), Rangers OF Brad Wilkerson (shoulder - done for the season), Yankees SCRAP!!! Andy Phillips (ribs), A’s PVC!!! Huston Street (getting’ his groin right), Reds PVC!!!  Eddie Guardado (elbow)

 

MM: Minnesota DL'd Francisco Liriano, but called up Matt Garza. He of the nearly 5:1 K/BB ratio in A+, AA, and AAA during '06. ESPN's Orel Hershiser called for his oral appointment immediately.

 

PR: Hudson Street also is going to have to get his groin right after Friday.

 

JF:  Is there anything that makes Andy Phillips scrappy other than being white and not very good?

 

PR: He can play MULTIPLE POSITIONS!!! Man, I still can’t believe there is a younger, cheaper Clay Bellinger.

 

ED:  Mariners TALL!!! Richie Sexson is placed on the bereavement list while his wife gives birth to twins.  Oh, man!  Talk about making us mad!  Bill and I almost gave up our Ebay accounts over this!

 

PR: I will officially state here that I don’t understand this joke at all. So out of touch.

 

JF:  Yeah, I’m lost.  Was this a reference to something that happened late night on QVC and our cableless selves missed out?

 

ED:  Sometimes I write for only Bill and I and the other 3 people who still get Lee Sinins’ emails.

 

ED:  HEAT-INDUCED HATE!!!  The Rockies and D-Backs have a little fun-filled push and shove incident after Rockies P Jose Mesa hit D-Backs OF Luis Gonzalez with a pitch.  (Aww, come on!  If Jose Mesa hits anything with a pitch except for a bat, people should never get upset.)  And Rangers P Vicente Padilla and Rangers Mgr. Buck Showalter are kicked out of a Rangers-Angels game after Padilla tries to hit the entire ballpark with pitches - then the Rangers and Angels brawl in the ensuing game and a whole buncha people get fined and/or suspended.  Phillies Mgr. (for now) Charlie Manuel rips former Phillies Mgr. Dallas Green if full view of everyone for Green’s critical remarks of Manuel’s managing…uhh…ability?

 

PR: BUSTER OLNEY DOES NOT APPROVE!!!!

 

ED:  Mmmm, fools and money.  The Tigers give C Vance Wilson a two-year contract for $1.9 million.  The Royals give 2B Mark Grudzlottaletters a contract extension through 2007 and an option for 2008.  Umm…yeah.  Well, we live in a world where fungible relievers are worth an everyday LF and SS.  So…I…uhh…WHAT?

 

ED:  The Yankees break ground on NEW NEW $1 BILLION Yankee Stadium…ON THE BACKS OF SLAVE LABOR!!!  Oh.  Wait.  Sorry.  Had a Michael Kay moment there.

 

ED:  Dennis Leary-NESN-Youkillis-Jews-Mel Gibson.  Yeah.  You know Billy Crystal is thisclose to getting on YES and responding.  I am certain Michael Kay will chip in.

 

PR: Chip in how? Does Billy Crystal suddenly not have the disposable income to buy airtime? Are you telling me the YES wouldn’t bump showing the David Cone perfect game for the 432 time for Billy Crystal?

 

JF:  I can’t come up with anything here.  My blistering hatred of Denis Leary is overwhelming me.

 

ED:  The Diamondbacks and INFORMANT!!! Jason Grimsley agree to a deal where the remaining portion of the salary he was owed after being released by the team is donated to charities - including Drug-Free Arizona, the Arizona Diamondbacks Foundation, Garth Brooks' Teammates for Kids Foundation and Grimsley's church, Christ Community Church in Leawood, Kan.

 

MM: Is there any better place for MLB's first informant to be playing than right inside of Scottsdale, AZ? Sammy the Bull spent his first witness relocation bit hawking H pills through skinhead high school sophomores in said city. Tony Soprano would tell you to look for Big Pussy there, too.

 

PR: Garth Brooks’ Teammates for Kids Foundation sounds so so wrong. Thank God Gabe White retired.

 

JF:  I could see Maurice Clarrett getting his bail, getting confused and putting a hit out on Jason Grimsley.  But my mind works in funny ways sometimes.

 

ED:  MORE ‘ROID-RELATED NEWZ!!!  Maybe.  Padres C Matt Lauderdale is suspended 50 games for testing positive for “a drug of abuse.”  Bonds’ trainer, E-T-C.

 

MM: I am unaccustomed to seeing the letter C come before any Lauderdale's name besides Priest.

 

ED:  Former Ranger-Oriole-Marlin-Dodger-Yankee P Kevin Brown is one angry suburban anal-retentive lawn mowing dude…who’s afraid of snakes and is not afraid to shoot.

 

PR: Is he afraid of…. wait for it… wait for it… SNAKES ON A PLANE!!!! YES I GO THIRD AND GET TO MAKE THE MOST ABUSED REFERENCE FIRST!!! (And yes, I was making the rolling hand gesture as I did this.)

 

JF: Such a jerk, Phil.  This could lead to some serious heat in the VP locker room in the coming days.

 

ED:  A California judge refuses to throw out the sexual discrimination suit against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for the Angels holding a promotion for only women on Mother’s Day. 

 

ED:  COLTER FRIGGIN’ BEAN!!! sets the record for most games pitched in Columbus baseball history!!!!  YES!!!  COLTER!!!  FRIGGIN’!!!  BEAN!!!  God I hate life.

 

PR: I wonder what the creepy clown Colter Bean stalker thinks about all this.

 

JF:  I’m not sure, he seemed pretty enthusiastic but then he ended it by saying “God I hate life.”

 

ED:  Oh yes.  And MLB Bruce Froemming umpires his 5000th game.  Yes.  I too am amazed that the ASPCA hasn’t stepped in and got his seeing eye dog some time off.

 

JF:  Oh my, steal that one from Leary, Ed?

 

MM: DISGRUNTELED D-RAYS FARMHAND UPDATE -- BJ Upton's middling average hovers under .200 with less runs scored than runs-of-the-mouth in USA Today. Joe Maddon glares at you through his Kurt Rambises and you wilt under the pressure.

 

ED:  Jesse Barfield’s son – 18 year old, Jeremy, a 9th round draft pick of the Mets – throws his father down a flight of stairs.  I will just quote Phil on this after I flipped him the item - Phil: Okay - I had the following emotions

Phil: laughter

Phil: and pissed off that it means that we cant write a Jesse Barfield FPOTM for like 2 years now

 

CFL

WEEK TEN!!!

 

PR: Ricky Ray couldn’t figure out what team he was supposed to throw too and the Eskimos couldn’t figure out how to kick a game winning field goal so BC won its fifth straight, 30-28.

 

JS: I think that’s the ending of about half the Eskimos’ games this season. Meanwhile Anthony Calvillo had himself a real poop of a game as he threw five interceptions in the Als 31-6 loss to Toronto. Damon Allen passed the 70,000 career yards mark.

 

PR: Yeah - this means next week I will pick against Montreal and they will win by a 1000.

 

JS: I can’t believe a football contest involving Hamilton was the only live CFL I watched this week. Saskatchewan 46, Useless Ti-Cats 15.

 

PR: Poor poor Ed.


NFL

ED:  INJURIES!!!  Redskins RB Clinton Portis (dislocated shoulder - out for awhile), Eagles DE Jerome McDougle (out 2-3 weeks with broken ribs), Seahawks DT Russell Davis (foot - out about a month), Saints QB Adrian McPherson (knee - out for awhile after getting ran over by the Titans mascot), Chargers KR Darren Sproles (broken leg - out indefinitely), Redskins CB Shaun Springs (abdominal surgery - out 3-4 weeks), Vikings LB Chad Greenway (knee - out for the season), Redskins DE Phillip Daniels (back - out a week or so), Steelers QB Ben Worthlessberger (thumb - iffy for at least a week), Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens (knee - out 6-8 weeks)

 

PR: Ed pointed out how the Titans mascot got off with no punishment while Reggie Bush was fined for wearing the wrong socks and that’s when I screamed WHY CAN’T YOU LET JOE MORRIS DO HIS JOB IN PEACE?!?!?!?!?! And then I realized that this was really only funny to me and that my Joe Morris man-crush is unhealthy.

 

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Dolphins sign DT Dan Wilkinson.  The Jaguars cut P Toby Gowin.  The Bengals waive DT Matthias Askew.  The Redskins sign S Antuan Edwards and CB Julian Battle.  The Packers cut K Billy Cundiff.

 

PR: I’m not sure what depressed me more - Big Daddy getting a fat deal or that he has been in the league 12 FREAKING YEARS! Oof… I want my life back.

 

JF:  So is writing these stupid little barbs for you guys going to be like that Mr. Show sketch?  Am I going to come to my senses in 70 years after the site finally shuts down and sheepishly mutter “…my life?…”  The real question is, will this involve Bill & I entering a hateful failed marriage?

 

ED:  TRADES!!!  The Browns trade Lee Suggs to the Jets for - whoops!  Never mind.  Suggs couldn’t pass the Jets physical.  And considering this is the Jets physical, that even Joe Namath could probably still pass, that says a ton about Lee Suggs.  The Redskins pick up CB Mike Rumph from the 49ers for WR Taylor Jacobs.  The Cowboys pick up WR Charlie Adams from the Broncos for a - whoops!  Nix that too.  Adams failed the physical.

 

MM: Taylor Jacobs' job security left when Ol' Ball Coach did.

 

PR: FAST MARC!!! HE IS FAST!!! WHOO-BOY!!! WATCH HIM RUN!!!

 

MM: 49ers send Kevan Barlow to NY Youplaytowinthegames, the day after I drafted Frank Gore too early. FUN AND IRONY WITH COLLEGES PLAYERS ATTENDED -- Curtis Martin is finally "replaced" by a guy who was also a Pitt Panther. I find that amusing. And we all three agree Dave Wansteadt's 'stache would beat Syracuse by a field goal.

 

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Vikings WR Koren Robinson is busted on DUI and felony flight charges.  New Browns C Alonzo Ephraim is suspended 4 games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.

 

PR: Aww… Koren Robinson was just trying to get to the party boat quickly.

 

JF:  Seeing Koren Robinson was arrested for “felony flight” charges made me imagine him sprouting wings and gloriously reenacting the dream sequences from Brazil.  This is what happens when you do this thing hung over on a Saturday morning and your mind, just, isn’t, um, you know, working right.  Or something.

 

ED:  Yep.  It’s mind-August.  The last of the first round draft picks have signed!  Whee!  Matt Leinart is a filthy rich young man who gets to stand around and hold a clipboard and Kurt Warner’s bible.

 

PR: Does he have to keep Brenda Warner in line too? And how long before the rumors of Leinart sleeping with Jennie Finch start? (Oh yeah - definitely made sure to write that AFTER Marc had gone. And I also told Ed about how Bonnie Bernstein was sleeping with Bill Belichick. I clearly hate my friends and await for them to tell me that deadspin has a youtube video of Summer Sanders on her knees in front of David Duval.)

 

MM: VP.com's "100 Hottest People with Breasts" will outsell Maxim and FHM combined.

 

ED:  Further proof that Fox Sports hates you - well, unless you’re Bill, of course - Joe Buck is going to be the host of Fox’s pregame and postgame shows AND will still continue to be the lead announcer of Fox’s A-games with head-injury boy.  God I loathe the NFL and Fox.

 

PR: JOE BUCK IS TOO GOOD TO RIDE THE ELEVATOR WITH YOU!!! HE THINKS YOU ARE ANNOYING!!! DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT DRINKING THE SAME BEER AS HIM!!!

 

ED:  Can’t get enough of them there talking heads in your football viewing?  The NFL Network hires Rams crippled RB Marshall Faulk as an analyst. 

“Ce que j'ai fais, ce soir la/Ce qu'elle a dit, ce soir la/Realisant mon espoir/Je me lance, vers la gloire.”

 

ED:  Oh!  Speaking of annoying people on my television - NBC’s Jerome Bettis horks off Steelers head coach Bill Cowher when Jabba the expert analyst says that Cowher will not come back next season.  Lay off him, Sarge!  JEROME HAS ASTHMA!!!  HASN’T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!?!

 

PR: And it's alright. Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry about this heart of mine. Just, take your love and hit the road. Cause nothing you can do or say. You're gonna break my heart anyway. So just leave the pieces when you go

 

JF:  I’m afraid to google that and find out exactly what song that’s from.  It’s Phil, so I assume, I dunno, Dixie Chicks?

 

ED:  And speaking of Coach Jaw, the Steelers confirm that they have ended contract extension talks with Bill Cowher so he can focus only on coaching.  And smirking.  Lots and lots of smirking.

 

PR: Do midgets seek cover under his chin when it rains? Oh wait - that is insensitive of me. I better apologize. Do little people seek cover under his chin when it rains?

 

ED:  Saints rookie RB Reggie Bush is reportedly fined $10K by the league for wearing Adidas cleats.  See, the league only allows you to wear Nike or Reebok cleats.  See, this is important stuff in the NFL.  Yes.  Yes it is. 

 

MM: Under Armour gave the NFL several millions so AJ Hawk, Vernon ToomuchmoneyfromtheNiners, and Julius Jones could PROTECT THIS HOUSE without incurring the wrath of uniform police.

 

PR: CLICK CLACK MOTHERF….

 

JF: A SWEEP ON 4TH AND GOAL?!  STRAIGHT UP RETARDED!!

 

ED:  BUT WAIT!!!!  The NFL decides NOT to punish the Titans mascot for attempting to cripple Saints QB Adrian McPherson.  So yeah…umm…yeah.  I dunno.  JIMMY PUNCHES!!!

 

PR: Yup - really should have read ahead before the Joe Morris thing. Oh well.

 

ED:  Patriots QB Tom Brady is implicated by Barry Bonds’ “trainer” as a man he has talked to about “workouts.”  Nudge-nude.  Wink-wink.  Only one way to know for certain if Brady has indeed juiced - that’s right, Peter King must be asked about Tom Brady’s testicle size.

 

PR: Tall? Grande? Grande Supremo?

 

JF:  I suck so bad I can’t be bothered to make the effort to formulate a lame “Brady has a big head (meaning ego)” joke.  It’s possible I may be distracted by mental images of dreamboat’s testicles, your guess is as good as mine on that one.

 

ED:  The Falcons are all about beating the crap out of each other in training camp.  Apparently, the losers of the fights have to share a shower with Ron Mexico and his running sores.

 

PR: Because the sores clearly have escapability and mobility, does this mean they are the best sores in the NFL?

 

JF:  It’s a good thing you guys don’t work blue.  Yessir, don’t want anyone getting unduly grossed out or offended.

 

ED:  Former Chargers and Dolphins LB Junior Seau retires.  Maybe-possibly-likely to gay bash.  Maybe.  Possibly.  Who can be sure?  Whoops!  Scratch that.  Seems the Junior couldn’t resist that Peter King man-love in New England.

 

JF:  Testicles-OH WHAT A GIVEAWAY.

 

NCAA

ED:  Former South Carolina basketball star Grady Wallace dead at 72.

 

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Minnesota football player Brylee Callender is suspended indefinitely for violating team rules.  Air Force assistant football coach Pete Hurt (God, high school had to have been really rough on him.) is suspended for allegedly hitting a player.  Kansas State basketball player Tyler Hughes is dismissed from the team for allegedly being a kiddie diddler.  Indiana basketball coach Kelvin Sampson is officially reprimanded by the National Association of Basketball Coaches for recruiting violations while he was the basketball coach at Oklahoma.  Maurice Clarett-Jewish Mafia…ahhh, sweet-sweet gifts that keep on giving.

 

MM: "Kaaayyyyyy-Staaaayte Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddeeeeeeeeeee Diiiiiiiiiiiiiidlerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs" will replace "Rock Chalk Jayhawk" by February.

 

SOCCER

PR: The new EPL season begins. Portsmouth not yet relegated. Still plenty of time for me to get pissed.

 

JS: Last season’s darlings Wigan lost their opener to Newcastle. This season’s darlings, Reading, beat Middlesbrough 3-2. Wigan is SO last year.

 

PR: It’s because of the AMERICANS~! MLS IS WORKING!!!

 

PR: Juventus still relegated. Better get to nailing shut the rest of the windows at HQ.

 

PR: The Scottish Premier League approves the creation of a second division. Oh yeah - this will make CM/WSM all the more bizarre. Of course, it will still crash my computer but I am giddy.

 

JS: What, they needed more teams nobody cares about? Rangers beat Hearts, by the by.

 

BB: BY THE BY!!!

 

PR: Hey look at that - Millwall. 3 games, goal differential of -6. LEAGUE TWO HERE WE COME!!!

 

JS: Poor li’l rioters. CRYSTAL PALACE! retains their stranglehold on the top of the Soder Pop Championship. In the Bundesliga, Energie Cottbus tied HSV 2-2 and the captain of all Monchengladbach-our own Kasey Keller-let in one goal, which was all surprise Bundesliga leaders Nurnberg needed to win. There are some Sunday games too, but I’m tired and wolves are after me.

 

NBA

ED:  Former Charlotte Bobcats F Lonny Baxter is arrested for firing a gun within two blocks of the White House.  Dick Cheney will have his revenge, Lonny!  REVENGE!!!

 

PR: I can’t believe that this happened to a Maryland Terripan. I might need to sit down. What’s next? Are you going to tell me that a prospect died from an OD? That would never happen.

 

PR: Have the Isaiah Rider arrest stories become so common place that you are now ignoring them, Ed? For shame. Anyway, two arrest warrants were issued for good old JR because he failed to show up for his sentencing hearings. I guess no one fronted him a plane ticket because child support clearly has left him broke.

 

PR: The Bergen Record is reporting that the Knicks and Sixers had been working on a trade to bring Chris Webber to MSG. Why yes, I will be writing the rest of the WTW pantsless.

 

JF:  I’m going to take some time out and pour myself some champagne.  The Knicks make it so much easier to be a Blazer fan.

 

PR: We will let Justin handle them there FIBA Championship thingys.

 

JS: I gots one job but I does it well….

 

JS: Okay-the last two players cut were Arenas (he has a trick groin now) and Bowen (he’s Bruce Bowen.) The USA-Puerto Rico game was like the annual Duke-16 seed game with PR keeping it close at the half and then the USA coming out and crushing them in third quarter. USA-China was a little different than it usually is, with China coming to within 15 points of the US at several points in the game (instead of the usual 30.) Poor Yao Ming looked like he wanted to slam the ball down in frustration several times-I think he really convinces himself every time, “This is the year, guys!” before the inevitable pulling away of the football (a Peanuts reference.) Wang Zhi Zhi’s humiliation is now complete, as he has the Red Army haircut. But at least he’s a people’s celebrity back home again.

 

PR: Oh yeah - if I ever win a pick 'em week this year, I am so making Slotman write the Wang Zhi Zhi FPOTM write after he writes the Andrew Gaze one. HEY! Justin cant write the one I was supposed to write for Pieman and maybe Pieman will read our site again.

 

JS: There wasn’t anything too too surprising in the other games. Tony Parker-less France eked out a win over Serbia (Darko played! 36 minutes! 14 points!) Australia beat Brazil in a very mild upset. Greece and Turkey are both undefeated and in the same group, so we have the potential for some fun international sports hatred in the near future. Not that NBA TV will show it! Goodness knows the morning hours are better used on endless repeats of highlights packages.

 

PR: Since I never watched it and no longer get it - I am assuming that NBA TV just has wall to wall coverage of the Knicks front office.

 

NHL

ED:  IIII…yeah.  We really need to just delete this section.

 

PR: Well there was that one random Russian draft pick who was getting smuggled over in a crate or something. No, I didn’t read the story.

 

JS: I did! The current story is, Metallurg Magnitogorsk (and boy do I love VP being among the search results for “Metallurg Magnitogorsk”) was holding Evgeni Malkin’s passport, which meant his agents had to sneak him out of Helsinki and keep him in their basement in Los Angeles so that the Super League didn’t dose him with whatever the KGB used on Victor Yushchenko. But that story came from his agents, so the truth probably isn’t very cloak and dagger. The gist of the problem is that the Russians think transfer fees in hockey should be something like transfer fees in soccer. Silly Russians! The hockey market….she not so good no more.

 

OTHER

 

PR: TIGER! PHIL! MAJOR! DAVID DUVAL MISSES A CUT!!! Yup - your normal week in the PGA.

 

ED:  Well, Tiger won the PGA Championships.  And now Ohioans are planning on whacking his knees so he won’t pass Jack Nicklaus for all-time majors wins.  Yeah, that will end well.

 

ED:  There was some sort of HIIIIII-LARIOUS stunt pulled involving some kid stealing some sort of NASCAR car.  But the clip on YouTube was only mildly amusing at best and I don’t care enough to really bother with figuring out what the mess was all about.  But yeah.  HIIIIII-LARIOUS!!  In a Larry the Cable Guy sorta way.

 

PR: One of the people in that clip is like 16 and making more money than I ever will. I hate YouTube for reminding me of this.

 

PR: Evander Holyfield didn’t die and didn’t beat up Charlie Steiner so his comeback fight was worthless.

 

ED:   HEY!  The Little League World Series is underway.  Anyone miss Harold Reynolds yet?  Anyone?

 

MM: Congress must mandate by law that all sports introduce and run graphics for major athletics in the same exact way you'd see during a LLWS broadcast. You know..."I'm Tommy Higginbotham from Duluth, Minnesota and my favorite player is Danny Gladden."

Imagine the possibilities...

"I'm Maurice Clarett from [long sniff]...Ohio, and my favorite hobby is taser-practice."

"Daunte Culpepper, Miami Dolphins. My favorite activity is full-frontal boating."

"Hi, I'm Carnell Williams' tutor, Trang. My favorite class is whichever one Coach Tuberville tells me 'Cadillac' is failing. So I can eat. In the cafeteria. Again."

"I'm Jennie Finch of the Bandits, and in my free time I like to Suzy Kolber."

 

PR: I apologize to Marc for the Jennie Finch stuff from earlier because “I like to Suzy Kolber” sounds amazing in my mind. Of course, what is being said in my mind can’t be repeated on this site. Hey - I warned you I was working pantsless.

 

JS: Welcome to my world-how do you think I watch as much women’s soccer as I do? But where the WNBA is concerned, to paraphrase Rainier Wolfcastle, “My eyes! The pantslessness does nothing!” Which is my segue into the WNBA playoffs, where Shock swept Fever (which is like Septicemia sweeping Elevated Body Temperature-the 90s really were the nadir of American franchise names) and Monarchs swept Comets. ABL veteran/gold medalist/Olympic flagbearer/Temple basketball coach Dawn Staley retired afterward-one of the few women’s players whose “game” (as they say on “the street”) I actually enjoyed. Hopefully she will grow into the “biggest curmudgeon in Philadelphia” role that John Chaney recently vacated.

 

ED:  Matt Kenseth wins the GFS Marketplace 400.  Yeah, no way to salvage this.