The Week That Was
8/21/06 - 8/27/06
ED: We too hate Bryant Gumbel.  It has little to do with blasting the NFLPA, but…whatever works for everyone else.

JS: Yeah, we were hating him before it was the good and righteous thing to do. I can only hope society someday validates the collective’s loathing of Joe Buck.

JF:  Maybe someday the providers will pit Joe Buck and Bryant Gumble together in a battle to the death in a Righetous Indignation-off.  Gumble gets a leash and Buck gets a well-fitting pair of slacks as weapons.  I’ve got 400 quatloos on Gumble!

PR: Bill is moving this weekend. Or buying one of the Waynas brothers an eight ball. Who knows?

MLB
ED:  TRADES!!!  The Pirates send OUT! Jose Hernandez to the Phillies for cash.  The Mets pick up OLD!!!  NON-LATINO!!! Shawn Green and cash from the Diamondbacks for P Evan MacLane.  The Padres pick up TWO TRUE OUTCOMES!!! Russell Branyan from the D-Rays for P Evan Meek and the ol’ PTBNL or cash.  The Phillies pick up VETERAN PRESENCE!!! Jeff Conine from the Orioles for cash and the ol’ PTBNL.

PR: Shawn Green not playing on Yum Kipper will play well in New York. And apparently you can only hit left handed to play in the Mets outfield. Aww… I can’t believe Kevin Towers traded two players to acquire Russell Branyan. I wonder if he tried to include Sean Burroughs just out of habit.

JF:  I assume those outcomes at this point are called strikeout and swinging strikeout?

ED:  ROSTER MOVES!!! The Rockies call up JAPANESE SUPASTAR!!! Kaz Matsui.  The Nats call up IF Henry Mateo and DFA P Travis Hughes.  The A’s call up P Brad Halsey and ship out P Ron Flores.  The Mariners ship out OF Adam Jones and call up P Cha Seung Baek.  The Red Sox call up DREAMY!!! Dustin Pedroia.  The Devil Rays DFA IF Luis Ordaz.  The Diamondbacks activate SCRAP!!! Craig Counsell from the DL.  The Blue Jays activate P Gustavo Chacin from the DL and ship out P Dustin McGowan.  The Cards sign UTL Jose Vizcaino.  The Twins activate Ron-DL White from the DL.  The Mets ship out PROSPECT!!! Lastings Milledge, call up PROSPECT!! Brian Bannister, DFA OF Ricky Ledee and sign BIG POPPA PUMP Kelly Stinnett.  The Indians activate OF? Casey Blake from the DL.  The Nats activate UTL Robert Fick from the DL and release SPEED! Damian Jackson.

ED:  DL LIST!!!  Phillies PVC!!! Tom Gordon (shoulder), Cubs SS Cesar Izturis (hammy), Phillies OF Aaron Rowand (broken ankle - likely done for the year), Red Sox SS Alex Gonzalez (oblique), Padres P Chan Ho Park (intestinal bleeding), Astros P Fernando Nieve (elbow), Cubs P Ryan O’Malley (forearm), Yankees P Mike Mussina (gettin’ his groin right), Devil Rays P Jae Seo (getting’ his groin right), Cards SCRAP!!! David Eckstein (oblique), Braves PVC!!! Danys Beaz (appendectomy), Royals GLOVE!!! Doug Misspelling (back - done for the year), A’s SS Bobby Crosby (back), Royals OF Reggie Sanders (knee - now done for the year)

PR: OH MY GOD!!! SANDERS AND MISSPELLING?!?!?!?! THE ROYALS SEASON IS IN RUIN!!!

JF:  Relax, Phil.  This now means there’s at least an 85% chance the Yankees won’t trade Hughes for Sanders.

ED:  Ted Lilly 3:16 says Blue Jays Manager John Gibbons is a dead man walking.  Be brave li’l former ‘86 Met.  You can always work at Len Dykstra’s car washes.

PR: At first I thought Ed was confused and thought Ted Lilly was a member of the '86 Mets. Poor poor outdated Baseball Reference sponsorship. “In 1984, was thought to be the Mets catcher of the future. Then he got hurt, the Mets got Gary Carter, and you can see the result on Gibbons' career below. Now a Mets minor league manager.”

JF:  He’s about as relevant to the baseball world and major league pennant races now as he ever was.  But don’t get me wrong, he has moved up in the world since then; when he does stupid things now, he gets mean things said about him in Veteran Presence!

ED:  More Toronto CRAZINESS!!!  A Blue Jays fan dresses in a sad imitation of a Blue Jay and bum rushes the field after a Toronto loss.  That’s why I always dress as a Mountie when I bum rush a field in Canadia.

PR: Like you wouldn’t throw out your hip hopping the wall.

JF:  Do you bring along a cattle prod as part of the uniform?  If so I’d watch it, Phil.

ED:  Mariners GM Bill Bavasi blames the Mariners problems on…that’s right…the players.  Damn those bad players for just coming on the team without Bavasi having anything to do with it.

PR: Deep in my heart,
I do believe
We're not gonna make it
Oh, no!
We're not gonna make it

Cause we don't have the talent
And we don't have the time
We don't have the patience
And we don't know how to rhyme

No, no, no
We're not gonna make it!

JF:  And the men who hold high places must be the ones who start mold a new reality…

ED:  Speaking on inexplicable GM moves - the Twins give FAT! Dennys Reyes a two-year $2 million contract extension.

ED:  Yankees OF? Bernie Williams’ web site was hacked.  Oooo.  Could this possibly cause the site to create more pop ups than Bernie over the course of a week?

PR: Ed is now writing just for me and Joe.

JF:  Ah, for fun.

ED:  Raul Mondesi and Jose Rijo are fined by the Dominican government for stealing electricity.  Come on, Raul was so used to stealing paychecks all those years, how can you expect him not to steal electricity too?

ED:  Red Sox DH David Ortiz’ shady Dominican penis pills commercial surfaces on the internet.  And now you know why he comes through in the CLUTCH!!!

MM: ...mmmmmmmm, erectile disfunction, heart palpatations, out indefinitely. Is Big Papi's newest player comp Bob Dole?

ED:  Mets OLD Julio Franco turns 48.  David Ortiz gets a cranky call from Julio about certain medications not working well for him.

JF: Oops.  I read this before the pee-pee-pill item and didn’t get it.  I think I jumped to the conclusion that Ed was calling Julio Franco Grandpa Simpson, and began bracing myself for when Julio Franco transforms into a strangely alluring elderly woman.

ED:  Albert Belle is given 3 months jail time and 5 years probation for stalking an ex-girlfriend.  No word on if he will still be getting paid by the Orioles during this time.

JF:  Aww, there’s a perfectly good “I’m sure the Orioles were contractually obligated to pay his bail” joke right there!

ED:  Barry Bonds memorabilia collector Jeff Krantz is selling all his stuff after Bonds treated him badly and accused him of forging his autograph on a whole bunch of the stuff.  What?  Bonds treated people badly?  Get out!

PR: Pedro Gomez just asked ESPN for a raise didn’t he?

ED: Marlins C Matt Treanor rips Miami fans for not showing up to Marlin games.  Treanor really needs to back off.  Lord knows I’d be afraid to go to Dolphins Stadium knowing Randy McMichael may be there.

ED:  The Orioles induct Doug DeCinces and Chris Hoiles to the team’s Hall of Fame.  Phil?

PR: I spent far too long trying to find out who the other members of the Orioles Hall of Fame were and couldn't find a list. I did stumble across the weird Orioles blog which did have the Chris Hoiles FPOTM which kinda made me happy that someone loved Hoiles that much. But still - who really is in the Os HOF if they are putting Hoiles in. Brady Anderson? Billy Ripken? Ben McDonald? Larry Sheets? Phil Bradley? Jeff Ballard? Ken Dixon? Leo Gomez? Brook Fordyce? Calvin Maduro? Sherman Obando?

ED:  Former PVC!!! Jeff Reardon is found not guilty by reason of insanity on charges or robbing a jewelry store.  Fat men with beards can now re-emerge.

MM: DISGRUNTELED D-RAYS FARMHAND UPDATE -- King Felix owns BJ Upton, as does everyone else above AAAA baseball. .225 BA at press time with less runs than Condi Rice's nylons on a Lebanese humvee ride through Hezzie territory. Delmon Young called up for the last few weeks, Elijah Dukes no more recognized in Tampa-St. Pete than Derrick Dukes. Or the other Rock 'N Roll RPM. Or Col. DeBeers.

PR: Wait Marc - did you mean The Top Guns which was Dukes and Ricky Rice or where you saying that Derrick Dukes is actually Mike Davis or Tommy Lane in an elborate, unbelievable Face-Off type of plot twist. Either way, Elijah Dukes could probably make decent coin playing in doubleheaders and wrestling during the intermission. I mean this is the minors. I am sure Ed can let some promotions person know how to get in touch with Mike Foley.

CFL
WEEK ELEVEN!!!

PR: Yup - that Blue Bomber 15-0 lead didn’t last past halftime. Apparently, Winnipeg treated the 4th Quarter like an exhibition game. Toronto wins 18-15.

PR: Well Montreal officially stinks now as Calgary ran up 41 points on them. HENRY BURRIS~! KEN-YON RAMBO~! But at least Ed can be pleased that Anthony Calvillo passed Danny McManus on the All-Time Passing TD list.

JS: Jeez, the good ship Alouette is taking on water rather quickly. Meanwhile we had perhaps the quintessential 2006 Hamilton Tiger-Cats score: Saskatchewan 51, Hamilton 8. The Ti-Cats are the kings of losing big while putting up weird numbers of points for football.

NFL
ED:  Bill Stribling Sr., the man who caught Tom Landry’s only TD pass, dead at 78.

JF:  You mean Respected Private Citizen Tom Landry?

ED:  INJURIES!!!  Packers RB William Henderson (knee - out 2-3 weeks), 49ers LB Brandon Moore (knee - out a week), Colts RB James Mungro (out for the season with an ACL), 49ers C Jeremy Newberry (knee - done for the year), Chargers T Marcus McNeill (broken hand), Panthers LB Na’il Diggs (knee), Jaguars LB Mike Peterson (knee - out a few weeks), Jaguars RB Greg Jones (knee - done for the season)

MM: Mike Vanderjagt holds himself out of a preseason game, and according to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Bill Parcells "expresses his frustration." Drunk Kicker's reply? -- "I don't think he's really happy that I'm not playing, but he doesn't know my groin." # 3 on Billboard's 2010 Urban Chart reads, "Know Your Groin" by Jamie Lynn Spears featuring Lil' Jon and Project Pat.

PR: Till The Sweat Drips Off My Groin????

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Packers release 3rd ROUND DRAFT PICK!!! BJ Sander and WHITE WR!!! Marc Boerigter.  The Patriots release K Martin Gramatica.  The Falcons sign DT Grady Jackson.  The Vikings release DUI Koren Robinson.  The Giants cut QB? Rob Johnson.  NOTHING happened in Oakland.  Nothing.

PR: HOW CAN YOU REPLACE CLUTCH~!???? NEW ENGLAND MIGHT AS WELL NOT PLAY THE SEASON!!!

MM: Boerigter bounces back, signed by Indy to play with fellow Waddle-wishful Brandon Stokley.

JF: ARGH.  NFL.  Start.  NOW.  What’s longer, the NFL offseason or the NBA postseason?

ED:  TRADES!!!  The Cards pick up T Brandon Gorin from the Patriots for an undisclosed draft pick.  The Browns trade WR Carlton Brewster to the Packers for CB Therrian Fontenot.  THREE TEAM TRADE - the Falcons get WR Ashley Lelie from the Broncos, the Redskins get RB TJ Duckett from the Falcons and the Broncos get an undisclosed draft pick from…one of those teams.  (I will avoid stealing Bill’s joke.)  The Saints pick up LB Scott Shanle from the Cowboys for an undisclosed draft pick.  The Browns pick up C Lennie Friedman from the Bears for an undisclosed draft pick.

PR: Aww... and Bill no-showed. Now the joke will never be known. To vanish into the ether like the Jeff Innis FPOTM and the MLS Greatest Goals DVD.

ED:  Yeah, Arizona possibly naming their new stadium the PINK TACO! would so make me love football again.

PR: AZ’s PR people have insisted that this will never happen. So chances are probably 110% now.

JF: WAIT, WHAT?!?

ED:  Mmm, preseason trouble funniness - Broncos Champ Bailey and Al Wilson are held out of last week’s preseason game against Tennessee due to violating team curfew.  Their excuse for violating team curfew - the couches were too comfortable and the TV too boring so they slept through curfew.  Bills WR Peerless Price is fined for missing a team practice when he misread the team’s schedule.  Bears RB Cedric Benson is fined for leaving the sidelines early during the Bears preseason game against the Chargers and for missing a post-game meeting.  

ED:  Everybody and their brother is blasting Bryant Gumbel for blasting the NFLPA for being…umm…stinky.  Don’t worry, Bryant.  I’m certain Greg’s got your back.  Oooo.  The possibility of a Gumbel-Molina conversation…yummy!

Phil: that would easily consist of Bryant Gumbel getting within an inch of one of the Molina brother's face and screaming "SPEAK ENGLISH!!! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!"
Ed: hehehehehe
Ed: and a Molina brother confusing him with Bob Costas
Phil: oh no - they will confuse him with Ahmad Rashad
Ed: “Senor Costas no habla epanol, Yadier”
Phil: And ask him if they can meet Michael Jordan
Ed: hehehehehe
Ed: yeah, this can pad the piece
Phil: God I hate Bryant Gumble

JF:  I thought that’s why you brought us B-teamers on board.  For padding.  You know?  Like right now?  How I’m padding the piece like this?  Isn’t that why you brought us on board?  Ed?

ED:  The Vikings settle with former VP of Player Personnel Fran Foley over a wrongful termination suit based on Foley lying on his resume.  Oh, come on!  It’s not like he killed anyone.  And if he did, he probably would have gotten a contract extension.

JF: Oh come on Ed.  The Ravens are the murderers, the Vikings are just harmless sex offenders.  Can’t even keep your own running gags straight.  My Blazers are all pot smokers, street racers and dog fight organizers, lest anyone forget.

ED:  Former Bears G Gene Hickerson and former Lions TE Charlie Sanders are selected as nominees for the HOF ballot by the senior committee.  ANTI.  COWBOY.  BIAS.

ED:  Jerry Rice signs with the 49ers to retire for good.  Or until the next bad reality show comes around.

ED:  Drew Henson - failure at 2 sports.  Columbus-area handicapped folk applaud…as well as they can.

PR: Aww... so that's who attends Crew games.

ED:  Len P goes nuts on a Charlotte sports talk show for the sports guys ripping on Todd Pinkston.  Imagine what he would have done if they had crapped on Jeff George.

MM: ...he'd go kid-toucher like his twin Don Vito? Can't Don Vito claim lack of visual accuity caused him to mistake the behind of an underaged girl for that of a consenting adult? Dude's eyes are more split than Chuck Finley's lip versus Whitesnake dancer.

PR: Okay - the Jeff George thing is Ed's fault. TEASE~!

ED:  New Jets RB Kevan Barlow is apologetic about that whole Hitler remark he made about 49ers coach Mike Tolan.  Michael Kay is intrigued by Barlow’s ideas and wants to subscribe to his newsletter.

ED:  Browns LB Willie McGinest is HORKED that the Patriots gave his number to Junior Seau.  Oh, come on.  If you’re in Cleveland and that’s the ONLY thing you’re horked about, you’re doing good.

PR: McGinest should be comforted by the fact that this confirms that #55 is a strong hetero number. Junior Seau wouldn't have it any other way.

JF:  Yes, Ed.  Horked.  Were frazzled, skeezed, pizzled or wang-dang-doodled not descriptive enough?  I dunno, maybe it’s a regional dialect, an Albany expression (just to keep the references coming).

ED:  Cowboys TE Jason Whitten is endorsing…pickle juice.  Yep.  Bottled pickle juice.  Of course, with him being a Cowboy, the pickle juice is probably not to drink but used as a team-wide replacement for urine when drug testing.

ED:  Former Giants RB Jarrod Bunch - last seen tapping out to Michael Westbrook in King of the Cage - stars on ENTOURAGE!  Next up - THE GENDER BOWL!!!  I know what side he’ll be playing for there.

PR: I am still pissed at the one site Ed flipped me a link for that basically wrote the Jarrod Bunch FPOTM.

ED:  I’m just gonna post the headline - “Police say man who impersonated Roethlisberger also posed as tight end.”  Yeah, so…how he could pose as Ben AND Kordell Stewart I will never know.

JF:  * SWOON! *

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Former Raiders C Barrett Robins gets 5 years probation for fighting with police.  Vikings WR Koren Robinson will face trial in Washington on if his DUI arrest in Minnesota violated his parole.  Dolphin owner Wayne Huizenga’s son, Robert, pleads no contest to DUI charges.  Browns RB Reuben Droughns pleads not guilty to harassment and domestic assault charges.  Titans CB Pacman Jones arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication.

JS: The Timmy Chang watch for the week: one of the Philly columnists wrote something about there being a mini-controversy about whether to cut Timmy or whichever Detmer the Eagles have. So: Timmy Chang. Still not cut.

NCAA
ED:  Former Miami basketball player Dick Hickox dead at 68.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Ohio U football coach Frank Solich is not allowed to withdraw his no contest plea to DUI charges when even AN OHIO JUDGE realized that his whole date rape excuse was too lame to go fly.  Air Force assistant coach Pete Hurt (hehehe) is reinstated as coach after being suspended for hitting a player.  Oklahoma University bans football players from working in car dealerships.  Notre Dame football and basketball players are cleared of any wrongdoing for performing promotional ads for local television stations.  Iowa football players Herb Grigsby and Kenny Iwebema are suspended for violating team rules.

PR: So in Oklahoma - your job is no longer your credit?

MM: ESPN.com ranks Syracuse in their preseason Bottom 10 football teams. Dang. Raise funds for the program through Donovan McNabb, get that inflated bubble renamed the Campbell's Dome. Call the press box Jim Brown Ultimate Fighting Championship Mumble-tator Booth. The Seikaly Student Section Presented by Beirut Shrapnel Removal is money in the bank. Syracuse's fan base is too busy typing Pasqualoni hate-mail to care.

SOCCER
PR: Yeah - this happened a couple of weeks ago but my internet access has been limited and Bill spaced on telling me about it but Clint Dempsey breaking Jimmy Conrad’s jaw made me giggle and giggle and giggle and I eagerly check soccernet every day to see if Conrad responds via testy column or battle rap.

PR: Speaking of broken jaws - Ben Thatcher… well… Thatcher basically kills Pedro Mendes with a challenge in a match on Wednesday. The punishment so far… referee Dermot Gallagher is deemed unfit to ref a League Two match for only giving Thatcher a yellow. (Okay - Thatcher is suspended by Manchester City but it kinda kills the giddiness I have over the ref not being allowed to work a League Two match.)

PR: My father-in-law not having FSC is a huge dagger. So there is plenty of EPL action that I am not seeing.

JS: I have it and I’m still not seeing it! Stupid work…..

JS: Anyway-Accrington Stanley beat Nottingham Forest 1-0 in their Carling Cup opener, a game that was actually on Setanta this week. I love how the English combine their cult franchises into the overarching sports hierarchy, instead of the American method of constantly restarting failed off-season leagues.

JS: BUNDESLIGA! Nuremburg tied Bayern Munich and retained their position at the top of the table. Wins for Energie Cottbus and those jerks at Schalke (over Bochum and Werder Bremen, respectively.) Der unspellable team of Kasey Keller: also winners.

JS: EPL! UPSET! Manchester City over Arsenal! The Wigan-Reading battle of ex-lower division stalwarts went 1-0 to Wigan. Wins by Charlton, ManU, Chelsea, Liverpool, others (no ties at all this week.) Oh-and Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner is set to buy Aston Villa? Huh. Lamar Hunt was ahead of the curve-he just had the wrong country.

JS: SPL! Rangers tied Kilmarnock, so they’re in third after Hearts and Celtic who both won. I consider anything other than a two-way dance in Scotland to be progress. And I’m on dialup tonight, so no French/Dutch/Guatemalan/Cayman Islander reports this week. Or even our pleasant little domestic league. Well, one little bit: FC Toronto is set to name former MetroBulls coach Mo Johnston as their inaugural coach. There you go.

PR: SCOTTISH LEGEND!!!!

NBA
ED:  Pat Riley announces he will return as the head coach of the Miami Heat next season.  Grease is the word.

ED:  Former Bobcats player Lonny Baxter is given two months in jail for firing a gun near the White House.  Dick Cheney knows where you are Lonny!

PR: Well of course - Dick Cheney monitors the whereabouts of all African-Americans. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!! THE EMPIRE WILL NOT BE DENIED!!!

JS: POLITICAL HUMOR!!!! We’ll capture the DailyKos sports crossover audience yet!

JS: FIBA! ROUND OF SIXTEEN! ESPN showed the USA-Australia game on delay to show Chivas-Dynamo live. Sadly, I’m sure Chivas-Dynamo got a better rating. And really, I can’t say they made the wrong decision. It’s Australia and it’s basketball. USA 113, Australia 73. Argentina had a harder time with their southern hemisphere members of Her Majesty’s commonwealth, only beating New Zealand by 17. I didn’t see it and so have no idea if that means anything or not-my one bit of live sports this week was the aforementioned Chivas-Dynamo.

JS: Spain 87, Serbia 75-so now we know what happens when Darko is your leading scorer. Dirk Nowitzki beat Nigeria 78-77. It was Lithuania over Italy, France over Angola, and Turkey over Slovenia. Greece beat China by 31. That’s just what happens when you hold Wang Zhi Zhi to one point.

JF:  I’m pretty sure this isn’t an exclusive result.  But whatever, keep living the dream, Slot Man. (ha, see what I did there?)

NHL
ED:  David Frost, former NHL agent and Canadian youth league coach - and the guy made infamous when former Blues player Mike Danton got busted for hiring someone to kill him - pleads not guilty to kiddie diddling charges.

PR: Luc Robitaille to have jersey retired by the LA Kings. Why they don't just save money and send a copy of D2: The Mighty Ducks and Sudden Death to the rafters I don't know. But hey - I'm not the marketing guy.

OTHER
ED:  The Staten Island Little League team brings the amusement - first a player on the team curses on air, gets slapped by his coach and makes ESPN put the Little League World Series on a 5 second delay.  THEN the Staten Island Little League president blasts Alex Rodriguez for not giving them money.  Like the Staten Island team wouldn’t choke in the CLUTCH! if they had A-Rod’s money.

JF:  I should mention at this point that I went to high school at Valley Catholic, located just off Murray Boulevard.  My brother and some of my best friends all live on Murrayhill.  One of my friends has a public access show in which he films him and others doing goofy things, it’s called The Murrayhill Show.  My best friend’s company is called The Murrayhill Project.  There’s a very good chance at least one of those kids is related to someone I know.  You STILL couldn’t pay me enough to watch children’s baseball.

JS: The Little League World Series final between Columbus, Georgia and Kawaguchi City, Japan was rained out and will be played Monday. So that’s one more day the Asian population of Williamsport, Pennsylvania jumps 1000 percent.

ED:  Just to put this to rest - Columbus, Georgia beat Japan 2-1 to win the LL World Series.

JS: Your Sacramento Monarchs have won the WNBA WCF. Shock and Sun continue to battle in the East. Shock and Sun? Sounds like a vacation in the Middle Ea---well, I’ll leave the topical humor to Phil.

JS: MAJOR LEAGUE LACROSSE! Your Philadelphia Barrage are outdoor lacrosse champions of the entire planet, beating the Denver Outlaws in a lacrosse blowout, 23-12. Strangely the people of Philadelphia will not recognize this as an end to the championship drought-it needs to be on the level of the Arena league or horseracing to get them talking.

PR: Is the Barrage owned by like Richie Sambora?

ED:  Carl Edwards is fined $20K and put on double-secret probation for bumping Dale Earnhardt Jr’s car in some sort of race.  Of course, our standard joke here is if he had bumped Jeff Gordon he would have been given $20K…and many cans of Skoal.

PR: If there was one driver who wouldn’t mind getting rear ended…

JS: Ed mentioned a “Sharpie 500” that we had to pay attention to; I googled it and learned that a “Kenseth” won it. It’s all very mysterious.

JF:  Sharpie… rear-ended… always with the innuendo with youse guys, isn’t it?