The Week That Was 8/22/05 – 8/28/05

ED: God, the Pirates are really starting to become my most favorite ever team. Oh yeah, sucker punching any Cardinal = Greatness.

PR: I got dibs on David Eckstein.

BB: Like you can reach David Eckstein.

MLB

ED: Your weekly cripple list includes: Giants P Tyler Walker (shoulder), Pirates 2B Jose Castillo (knee…friggin' Cardinals), Orioles P Daniel Cabrera (back), Nats P Ryan Drese (shoulder), Braves P Mike Hampton (back), Orioles P Jason Grimsley (Achilles), Tigers OF Ron-DL White (now out for the season with shoulder surgery), Nats OF Ryan Church (broken toe), Dodgers OF Milton Bradley (knee), Royals P Runelvys Hernandez (back), Cubs 3B Aramis Ramirez (quads), Blue Jays P Roy Halladay (now done for the year with a broken leg), OLYMPIC HERO!!! Ben Sheets (torn back muscle and likely done for the year), Orioles P Sidney Ponson (done for the year with a bad thumb…which is the least of his problems)

PR: Being fat is the #1 one problem - Right? Or is it playing for the Orioles?

BB: Did Katrina strike Aruba?

ED: The Pirates and Cardinals get into yet another fight – this one before a game this week, when Pirates hitting coach Gerald Perry sucker punches Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan. God, I love the Pirates.

PR: Really – the most amusing part of this was Ed IMing me asking had I see the Gerald Perry sucker punch. As I glanced at it, I thought he said Gaylord Perry. This made it the greatest story of all time. Yet again the internet and my eyes failed me.

BB: This is where we really needed a “Top 10 people Gaylord Perry will sucker punch” list but I am far too young to make one.

ED: Dodgers OF Milton Bradley accuses teammate Jeff Kent of lacking leadership and having no ability to deal with black players. God, there was nothing greater than Jeff Kent's defense against the racism claims.

PR: When Milton first started complaining about being the only black man on the Dodgers, I instantly tried to think of another one so I could make a joke... and I couldn't. Jackie Robinson weeps.

BB: The Toronto beat guy was right! SABER RACISTS!!!

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former P Doc Gooden is busted for fleeing from the police after he high-tailed it from a traffic stop after being pulled over for suspicion of a DUI. Orioles P Sidney Ponson is busted for a DUI – apparently too drunk or fat to high-tail it.

PR: Sidney Ponson having his own suite/condo/apartment/sublet thingy at Camden Yards is numere uno y el mejor. And we all know the real reason is that with Sir Sidney in the locker room the rest of the team could never all fit in at once.

BB: Awww…you know he gets Boog’s room service.

ED: Nats Manager Frank Robinson and…SHOCK!!!...Red Sox P Curt Schilling sound off about Rafael Palmeiro, both stating that Palmeiro's career totals are suspect and should be taken out of the record books. Well, if you need any reason to side with Palmeiro, there's a couple for ya. Oh yeah, then David Wells chimes in about the whole steroid issue too. Like Wells would be some sort of authority on steroids or something.

PR: So steroids come wrapped in bacon now? Because that is the only way I could see Wells being and expert on anything. And I enjoy that Frank Robinson has become the resident MLB crank pot. It used to be that you would have to go to Jack McKenna and get him all fired up on pitch counts. Now Frank will ramble about steroids and bunting and his stadium being too big and his porridge being too cold.

BB: GREAT JOKE PHIL! FOZ WILL…aww.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Mets DFA P Danny Graves. Bill and I chuckle endlessly about how bad one must suck to get cut by the Mets and Reds in the same season. The Blue Jays DFA C Ken Huckaby. The Marines claim P Francisco Cruceta off of waivers. Mark Bellhorn is officially released by the Red Sox after refusing a minor league assignment. The Giants DFA Jason Christiansen. The Yankees pick up OF Matt Lawton from the Cubs for P Justin Berg. The Phillies pick up OF Michael Tucker from the Giants for a minor leaguer I am too lazy to look up.

PR: Though the Reds are still mean for letting Graves go. Oh and my theories on Mark Bellhorn can be found here - http://www.veteranpresence.com/Bellhorn.html

BB: Let’s just say next week’s edition will be a Very Special WTW.

ED: Dunedin Blue Jays sound man James O'Brien is ejected from a game this week for inciting the fans to boo the umpires. Like the fans need anyone to incite them to boo an umpire.

PR: Did he also claim to be a sound man in Nam? I mean the Blue Jays do ask that question to all their employees, right?

BB: And boom goes the dynamite.

CFL

WEEK TEN!!!

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Argos cut WR Andre Rison. Edmonton signs RB Michael Jenkins. RB Sean Millington comes out of retirement to return to Toronto.

PR: I love how Ed just casually throws in Rison getting released. Now since I don’t read tsn.ca as much as I should - did Tamia try to burn down his house while he was in the league?

BB: Does Rison have the bomb dick?

ED: Ottawa cancels a scheduled Mardi Gras Madness promotion when the thought of possibly exposed boobies scares the fanbase that…of course…is known for having BEAVER FEVER!!!

PR: Yet – not seeing boobies might save a whole lotta lives. Mysterious mysterious ways.

ED: Bashir Levingston runs for like 17 miles on two special team runbacks to lead Toronto over Calgary 25-10.

ED: HAMILTON!!! FINALLY WINS!!! DESTROYING, ANNIHLATING, MUTILATING Winnipeg, 41-39. Danny McManus still sucks, though.

PR: Thus matching the Raiders projected win total. Aww... I made Ed cry.

ED: What? The Raiders will beat someone other than the Giants this year.

PR: If you single goal is beating the Giants this year, you are more depressed about your team than I ever dreamed.

ED: RICKY RAY!!!! Says F-U to the NFL and throws for 438 yards as Edmonton whips Montreal, 36-26.

ED: BC comes back late to take Saskatchewan, 19-15.

SOCCER

PR: HEY! Newcastle is as crappy as Portsmouth. I am giddy. Of course, Newcastle didn't let Claudio Reyna score a goal against them. Oof.

BB: Oh yeah – the TWO AMERICAN PLAYERS SCORED!! YAY!!! articles were sad.

PR: Milan Baros signed with Aston Villa (and scored in his debut). Somehow he was too pretty for Liverpool.

BB: Aww…last year he was going to Juventus or Madrid or Barcelona and now…Aston Villa.

PR: Fox Soccer Channel starts showing Serie A. The first game you get to see – Lazio/Messina. Oh and the racist chanting. Apparently Lazio fans hate the Ivory Coast. Poor poor Zoro.

BB: Are you sure he’s not a luchadore?

PR: Lokomotiv Plovdiv's owner was killed by the BULGARIAN MAFIA?!?!?!?! Yeah – I don't think happens in my CM. Maybe I need to install the “Hot Coffee” mod or something.

BB: Aww…

NFL

ED: John Madden and Rayfield Wright are nominated as finalists for the Pro Football Hall of Fame by the Seniors Committee.

BB: Wow – who would have thought the Seniors Committee had a Playstation?

ED: INJURIES!!! Eagles WR Justin Jenkins (done for the year with an ACL), Eagles RB Correll Buckhalter (done for the year with a patella tendon), 49ers WR P.J. Fleck (out for the year with a rotator cuff), Broncos S Brandon Brower (done for the season with a broken arm), Colts QB Travis Brown (done for the season with a bad shoulder), Saints TE Boo Williams (done for the season with an ACL just to make you hate the TE slot in fantasy football even more)

PR: Damn, I wasted my Bill drafts Buckhalter joke on the board. Yeah – you should all go there and read it.

BB: I don’t think that’s going to encourage more people to sign up for the board, Phil. Of course – apparently posting IM logs doesn’t either.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Raiders waive S Marques Anderson; the Eagles sign P Sean Landeta; the Chiefs release LB Mike Maslowski and sign QB Jonathon Quinn; the Seahawks release DT Cedric Woodard and sign RB Josh Scobey; the Cowboys waive K Billy Cundiff, OT Jacob Rogers, RB Darian Barnes, WR Ahmad Merritt, S Izell Reese, CB Lance Frazier, sign S Rich Coady and send an undisclosed 2006 draft pick to the Jaguars for K Seth Marler (who then failed the physical so forget I even mentioned it); the Jets claim LB James Kinney off of waivers and cut K Xavier Beitia; the Titans sign K Jay Taylor and release K Ola Kimrin; the Pats release S Antuan Edwards; the Lions sign TOMMY CHANG!!! Oh, and Phil said something about the Jets going with some Australian punter. But I don't care about the Jets so he can toss that in there.

PR: If the Lions intended to sign Tommy Chang, they will be really pissed when Timmy Chang reports.

ED: Since I put that item in Saturday, I am just shocked I didn't type Tommy Chong. Ehh. Either way, it's irrelevant since the Lions already cut him.

BB: Why couldn’t they sign Johnny Chan?

ED: Speaking of cuts, Round 1 of the NFL cuts is underway. Your first laugh-out-loud causalty? Supposedly Maurice Clarett is to meet the turk on Monday. Personally, I am saddened. Never have two forces been so perfectly matched - well, except for when Big Dumb Mo was at Ohio State, of course - but hey, it's not like the Broncos wasted a high draft pick on hi...oh. Hehehehe. GENIUS!!!

PR: Well, Mo wasn’t afraid to screw himself over by accepting an incentive laden deal. Of course, he will sign with the Raiders and Ed will cry.

BB: Did Master P negotiate this deal, too?

ED: I think one of my favorite pieces of the year is Vikings C Matt Birk trying to get a guaranteed contract for 2006 before his hip falls off.

PR: Well since Dennis Green isn’t the coach, he isn’t going to play until he dies. And I guess he refused Mike Tice’s offer to buy Super Bowl Tickets, so Minnesota told him to have surgery.

BB: Rippa steals my joke without even knowing I made it. And let me say this – Matt Birk is a white Harvard graduate. If Matt Birk was a black Miami graduate, this story would be reported a lot, lot differently.

ED: The Redskins and Washington LB #56 settle their contract dispute wherein he accused the team of not putting in the agreed-upon incentives into his contract. As part of the settlement, Washington LB #56 could be come a free agent in 2007.

PR: Did he get free admission to any Great Adventure park as part of the deal too? Is that too local of a joke?

BB: Aww…the other Mark Shapiro got a job.

ED: Speaking of one often afoul of the law – DT Darrell Russell has his suspension lifted by the NFL. Now, what's the over/under on when he signs with the Ravens?

BB: No way man – the Ravens are old and busted. New hotness? THE CHIEFS!!!

NBA 

ED: I'm just going to pretend that nothing happened here and move along with my life. Hey, it's how everyone else works it.

PR: Dikembe Mutombo signed with the Houston Rockets and announced he will retire after the 06/07 season. In my dream world, he will pull a Don Beebe and get tossed for doing his finger wave or something.

BB: As Rippa spoils a FPOTM.

NCAA

ED: University of Cincinnati head basketball coach Bob Huggins resigns before he gets fired. Aww. Well, fortunately, the thugs can still come to Ohio and play. They'll just have to go up the road a pace.

PR: Will they need to call their parole officers first?

ED: Florida State is allowed to use the Seminoles mascot in post-season play after the Seminole tribe testified that the like the way the school represents them. Uhhh…yeah. OK.

ED: Tennessee basketball player Jemere Hendrix is arrested for pot possession and driving without a license.

BB: “Well…I really liked Jimi Hendrix. And I wanted to show him some love, but…I didn’t want him to have the SAME name. And so…” Then again – I dated a girl who wanted to name her first child Dylan. And no – not after Making the Band. Ugly ugly crazy folk singer. Stupid stupid women.

ED: The University of South Carolina football program gets a third year of probation for all those messy violations under Lou Holtz' watch.

PR: Look at it this way – no meesy bowl games means more golf time for Steve Spurrier.

BB: I like meesy and I’m not editing it.

ED: Texas Tech S Vincent Meeks faces the possibility of two years of jail time for violating his parole after getting arrested for forgery charges.

ED: University of Illinois Wesleyan football player Doug Schmied dies from heat stroke at the age of 21.

BB: Was a Vikings scout present? Is that too harsh?

ED: The NCAA says that they will strictly enforce spearing calls this football season. Oh yeah, there's going to be some ugly college games this season.

PR: Because spearing and Indian nicknames are the most pressing issues facing college football nowadays.

BB: Besides being fat or playing for the Orioles?

NHL

ED: Other than Dany Heatley getting sent to Ottawa to kill another teammate, nothing important happened. Or at least nothing that I understood. It could be one and the same, or one or the other. Either way, I don't care.

PR: Aww... maybe we should hope Heatley doesn't get BEAVER FEVER!

BB: Capitals sign “other” Petr Sykora. No really – that was the headline. I might have shot myself.

OTHER

ED: Matt Kenseth wins the Sharpie 500. Little E and Jeff Gordon face the possibility of not qualifying for the Race for the Cup. NASCAR has two weeks to get its fixing groove on.

ED: Caracao decides to honor their national hero Andruw Jones by pulling off a Braves-esque collapse to Hawaii in the Little League World Series final.

BB: SCOUTING!!!!!