The Week That Was 8/29/05 - 9/4/05 

 

ED: Beware THE TURK!!!

 

BB: I HATE VETERANPRESENCE.COM and its constituency.

 

PR: … Looks around uncomfortably…

 

MLB

 

ED: Your weekly cripple list includes: Marlins P John Riedling (shoulder), Padres P Pedro Astacio (quads), Indians minor league gogo dancer Kyle Denny (broken face..uh-huh, uh-huh), Cubs P Kerry Wood (done for the season to get shoulder surgery), Phillies P Cory Lidle (oblique), White Sox 3B Joe Crede (finger), Mariners CRUD!!! Willie Bloomquist (hamstring), Mets C Mike Piazza (likely done for the season with a hand injury), Angels PROSPECT!!! Dallas McPherson (done for the season after having hip surgery), A's SS Bobby Crosby (broken ankle)

 

BB: Well…I guess you win the Dallas McPherson fight Ed. Of course – Dallas McPherson really loses. I’M NOT A LOSER!

 

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Red Sox claim P Chad Harville off of waivers from the Astros. The Cubs trade OF Todd Hollandsworth to the Braves for P's Todd Blackford and Angelo Burrows. (Mmm, SCOUTS!) The Yankees sign Bill's Mancrush Mark Bellhorn. The Nats pick up SS Deivi Cruz from the Giants for P Ben Cox. (Awesome! The one team where Deivi would be an offensive improvement at SS!) The Nats pick up P Jason Christiansen from the Giants for P's Dusty Bergman and Ronnie Ray. The Orioles place P Sidney Ponson on waivers.

 

BB: For a minute I read that as Sean Bergman and Ricky Ray, which would have been a MUCH more exciting trade.

 

PR: Aww… Ricky Ray being on a team run by Jim Bowden would make Ed very very sad.

 

ED: White Sox P Mark Buehrle accuses the Texas Rangers of cheating by stealing signs and flashing warnings on the scoreboard after the Rangers bash him around.  Mmm, grasping at straws.

 

BB: Man – and Ozzie didn’t even get his back. "The way Buehrle pitched, it seemed like they didn't need a sign," Guillen said one day after the Rangers tagged Buehrle for nine hits in seven innings. "Everything Buehrle pitched was right down the middle of the plate—sinker, slider, changeup, whatever. He didn't have the stuff. I asked him what happened, and he said because their average is better here than on the road."

 

PR: Aww… Ozzie must think Buehrle is gay.

 

ED: Red Sox P David Wells gets his 6 game suspension for bumping an umpire upheld. Wells then rants on THE MOST BELOVED BASEBALL COMMISSIONER EVER! and gets called on the carpet for it. And yes, that's one crushed carpet.

 

BB: Well it can’t be worse than Rippa’s carpet which I am pretty sure might get mistaken for the inside of the Superdome at some point.

 

PR: Stupid not being able to afford living anywhere else.

 

ED: Pirates Manager Lloyd McClendon (1 game), Pirates hitting coach Gerald Perry (8 games) and Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan (4 games) are suspended for their little scuffle last week. I am certain I could pass the hat to get Gerald his pay back for punking Duncan.

 

BB: Well Lloyd won’t need to worry about serving that suspension anytime soon. First Bellhorn and now…oh I  have to wait till next week, don’t I. Grrr.

 

ED: Padres P Jake Peavy cuts his non-throwing hand "taking out the trash." Peavy is not expected to miss any time with the injury. But even Brian Griese laughs at that excuse.

 

BB: Yeah, but face it – who doesn’t laugh at Brian Griese?

 

ED: Records show that Dodger OF Milton Bradley has been investigated by police three different times in the past month and a half for spousal abuse of his pregnant wife. Crap. As Phil and I both said, just when we wanted to support Bradley in his crusade against Jeff Kent he does this.

 

BB: Hey, if Bradley can hold Jeff Kent down long enough to impregnate him, I think all charges should be dropped.

 

PR: MAN OF THE YEAR!!!

 

ED: Orioles Performance Enhancement Extraordinaire Rafael Palmeiro takes to wearing earplugs while he plays to drown out the boos. Palmeiro still not hitting, ear plugs now officially not to be labeled as performance enhancers.

 

ED: Phillies minor league OF Shane Victorino named International League MVP. Colter Bean robbed again.

 

BB: Victorino to spend years trapped behind Kenny Lofton. That one’s for you, Brendan.

 

CFL

 

WEEK ELEVEN!!!

 

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT! Hamilton signs DB Alfonso Roundtree, WR DJ Flick and RB Julian Radlein and release K Chuck Tack. Edmonton re-signs WR Brock Ralph after he is cut by the New York Jets.  Calgary signs ex-Colt WR Terrence Wilkins, WR Kori Dickerson and RB Craig Carr.

 

PR: Aww… Wilkins is clearly in it for the free healthcare.

 

ED: Argos RB Hakim Hill is suspended and barred from the country after getting busted for DUI. Now barring people from the country - THERE'S an idea the NFL needs to consider.

 

ED: Montreal whips Ottawa, 41-18, after Renegades coach Joe Paopao called it the most important game in Renegades' history.  Oops.

 

ED: Saskatchewan tops Winnipeg, 45-26.  Blue Bombers WR Mike Stegall becomes the CFL's all time leader in TD rececptions in the loss.

 

ED: And the Toronto-Hamilton LaboUr Day Classic and Edmonton-Calgary tilts are going to happen after I send this out. Phil can slap this stuff in. Or not.  Whatever.  You know how to get to tsn.ca by now.

 

NFL

 

ED: INJURIES!!! The Eagles place DE Jerome McDougle (bullet) on the IR and is out at least the first 6 weeks of the season, the Cards put RB J.R. Redmond (shoulder) on the IR, Eagles RB Thomas Tapeh (hip) is placed on the PUP list and is out at least the first 6 weeks of the season, the Redskins place P Tom Tupa (back) on the IR and is out at least the first 6 weeks, the Bears place Jerametrius Butler (knee) on the IR and he is done for the season, the Vikings place C Matt Burk (hip) on the IR and he is done for the season, the Ravens place LB Dan Cody (ACL) on the IR and is done for the season,  Lions QB Jeff Garcia (broken leg) out at least the first 6 weeks of the season, Redskins H-Back Manuel White (broken leg) out at least the firts 6 weeks of the season

 

BB: I can’t top that McDougle line.

 

ED: The first and second waves of cuts came down. No way we're dumb enough to list them all. Here's the best ones:

                - Falcons DE Brandon Mitchell and WR Peerless Price,

                - Texans TE Billy Miller,

                - Bucs RB's Ian Smart and Charlie Garner,

                - Bengals WR Peter Warrick,

                - Bears QB? Chad Hutchinson and CB Todd Mcmillon,

                - Pats KR Chad Morton, WR's David Terrell and PK Sam and TE Jed Weaver

                - Broncos QB Danny Kannell, RB Quintin Griffin and DT's Luther Elliss and Raylee Johnson,

                - Jags LB Greg Favors and K Seth Marler,

                - Dolphins QB Brock Berlin,

                - Seahawks DE Antonio Cochran, DT Rashad Moore and WR Jerome Pathon,

                - the Eagles revoke their franchise tag of T Corey Simon and allow him to leave as a free agent

                - Chiefs WR Freddie Mitchell,

                - Jets RB Little John Flowers,

                - Eagles DE Hugh Douglas, FB Jon Ritchie and P Sean Landeta,

                - Redskins WR Kevin Dyson,

                - Giants QB Jesse Palmer, RB Mike Cloud and LB Kevin Lewis,

                - Vikings K Aaron Elling

                - Packers OT Cletidus Hunt and LB Ray Thompson,

                - Chiefs QB Jonathon Quinn and CB Ashley Ambrose

                - 49ers CB Willie Middlebrooks

                - Rams QB Jeff Smoker, RB Joey Goodspeed and DT John Parella

                - Raiders TE Teyo Johnson, DE Akbar Gbaja-Biamila, and DTAnttaj Hawthorne

 

BB: I always thought Billy Miller was a pretty decent TE  and certainly pretty comparable to like – Doug Jolley – but apparently Jolley’s worth trading out of the first round for and Miller’s free. Football is stupid.

 

PR: Poor poor Bachelor.

 

BB: Oh and the Saints cut half their fanbase.

 

ED: Oh yeah, and the Ravens - according to Phil's pee-stained Washington Post transaction list - released OT Jonathon Ogden instead of his brother, Marques. The paper then fixes this error and you never heard nor read nor knew anything about this. Woodward and Bernstein stifle their sobs.

 

BB: In all fairness if I had worked for the Globe this year, I would have made the same exact statement.

 

PR: I am more excited that I was probably the only person who actually say it… other than the Post editors… on the 2nd try.

 

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Ravens sign KR Wade Richey, the Titans sign WR Troy Edwards, the Cowboys claim K Nick Novak off of waivers from the Bears, the Vikings claim RB ReShard Lee off of waivers from the Bills, the Bengals claim LB Hannibal Navies off of waivers from the Packers, the Cardinals claim J.J. Moses off of waivers from the Texans, the Colts sign T Corey Simon, the Seahawks sign WR Peter Warrick, the Cowboys sign WR Peerless Price, the 49ers sign DE Travis Hall, the Eagles sign WR Darnerien McCants, the Giants sign KR Chad Morton, the Cowboys pick up LB Scott Fujita from the Chiefs for a 2006 6th round and 2007 conditional pick, the Vikings trade OL Nat Dorsey to the Browns for OL Melvin Fowler, the Rams trade LB Robert Thomas to the Packers for CB Chris Johnson, the Eagles claim RB Lamar Gordon off of waivers from the Dolphins, the Colts pick up LB Rocky Calmus from the Titans for an undisclosed pick

 

BB: We will not actually update our football preview to account for any of these things.

 

PR: I think I stopped trying after I realized that the preview was coming out around Halloween anyway.

 

ED: Former Dolphins and Giants S Jarvis Williams is shot in the back by a stray bullet.  I will let Phil make his comment here.

 

PR: Aww… Jarvis Williams with a bullet in his back is still a better cover guy than Jason Sehorn.

 

ED: Hey! Late signings to avoid training camp death! The Bears finally signed Cedric Benson. The Jets sign DE John Abraham.

 

BB: Oh, if only Korey Stringer had been lazier.

 

ED: Colts LB Kendyll Pope is placed on the suspended list for a year for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Chiefs G John Welbourn is suspended 4 games for 'roiding.  Browns DB Michael Jameson is suspended the first four games of the season for violating the league's substance abuse policy.  Bengals DE Duane Clemons is suspended 4 games for violating the league's substance abuse policy.  All of them look to sign with the Arizona Wranglers.

 

BB: Welbourn’s excuse should have been that he wasn’t on the juice. He was TESTING LIMITS!!!! ROMO!!!

 

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!  The teenagers charged with shooting Eagles DE Jerome McDougle plead not guilty.  Packers RB Ahman Greeen avoids trial for domestic abuse charges by agreeing to undergo counseling and perform community service.  Former Vikings RB Ted White reaches a plea deal on charges that he sexually assaulted a woman during the teams Arctic Blast snowmobile rally two years ago.

 

BB: See, if they had just run more snowmobile rallys and less training camps, Korey Stringer would still be alive. Of course, a buncha more women would have been the recipient of sexual trauma. It is a trade off, I guess.

 

PR: I guess it’s a good thing Randy McMichael, Lawrence Phillips, Wil Cordero and Milton Bradley aren’t into snow mobiles.

 

NCAA

ED: College football season is officially underway. Ahh, rich white boosters freely giving cars away to black kids from the projects!

 

BB: And you thought that had gone out of vogue with Motown.

 

ED: MMMM, UNDERGRAD TROUBLE LIST!!! Iowa football player Antwan Allen is suspended for the season opener after being convicted of assault for breaking the jaw of an Iowa State student. UConn basketball player A.J. Price pleads not guilty to charges of stealing lap top computers from the school. Maryland basketball player Chris McCray is arrested for refusing the leave the scene of a fight and fleeing from police.

 

PR: Did the Terp fans riot for his release?

 

SOCCER

BB: USA qualifies for the World Cup, beating Mexico 2-0 I am assured. Landon Donovan world’s greatest player. Mexican coach says his grandmother could make the US team. Does not mention that the reason is because his grandmother is a naturalized American and because she doesn’t speak English, the USSF will be sufficiently impressed to fast-track her immigration papers and put her at right back.

 

PR: Aww… poor little England. SACK THE SWEDE!!!

 

NBA

ED: Nuggets assistant coach Doug Moe is diagnosed with prostate cancer. I thought that I had reported this before. Then I realized that I had - except it was for Nuggets head coach George Karl. Meh. Like there's a difference.

 

BB: Neither of these men have the bomb dick.

 

PR: For some reason I could have seen the Doug Moe FCOTM including all these things.

 

NHL

ED: HAH!

 

MURDEROUS HURRICANES NOT NAMED RAY LEWIS

 

BB: Jerome Brown? OH. He’s a MURDERED Hurricane.

 

ED: Yeah-yeah. You think of a title then. Anyhoo, Hurricane Katrina came through and eviscerated the Gulf Coast region. As a result, here's some items in that regard:

 

ED: Hurricane Katrina rips through the city of New Orleans and tears several holes in the roof of the Superdome…much like reality will tear a hole in the hopes of the Saints season. The NFL is looking into relocating the Saints for probably the entire season. Every city in the nation without an NFL team refuses to take the NFL's calls.  The Saints second game of the season v. the Giants - scheduled to be their home opener - will apparently be rescheduled at New York.

 

BB: THIS IS UNFAIR!!! say NFC East teams. This only because they do not realize the Giants have absolutely no chance of winning this game.

 

PR: Stupid Monday night football games.

 

ED: Much like the Saints, the NBA's New Orleans Hornets are probably going to be displaced for a while due to the damage. Every city getting a call from the NBA about possible relocation is stunned to hear that the NBA even had a team in New Orleans.

 

BB: Oh yeah – this is how I see it going down. You are a medium-sized city with an empty 40,000 seat stadium and a 17,000 seat arena. You have been friends with New Orleans for a while and since it is in the news and you saw it with a few friends a few days ago– you give it a call. Sure, it has problems and it whines for a while about how it’s been drowned in two feet of water and feces but you ignore that – you have more pressing concerns. New Orleans friend, the Saints, is a hottie. And you are a lonely lonely city. “Hey New Orleans”, you say, “your friend at the bar – um – the Saints, I think their name is – are they cool? Are they going out with anyone?” And New Orleans says, “Well they are cool, yeah, but I they’ve been flirting with Los Angeles for a while now and I wouldn’t want to interrupt that to deal with you. But did you see my other friend? The Hornets? They’re REALLY cute and they have an awesome persona…” – but by then, you are already off the phone since the Hornets are the ugly friend of New Orleans and – since you shouldn’t be – you are uninterested.

 

ED: The New York Yankees and the NFL give $1 million each to the rescue effort. MLB is looking into setting up such a fund for the victims as well.  This wouldn't happen, of course, if baseball had a salary cap.

 

BB: Or a bunch of levees.

 

ED: Lots of college football games in the region are cancelled due to excessive flooding and/or damage.

 

ED: Serena Williams is going to donate $100 for every ace she gets in the US Open to charities for the people stricken by the hurricane damage. Well, she's still trying to figure out what charity to give to, but she thinks maybe she might possibly mean well. In theory.

 

BB: You know, I thought to myself after reading “ace” – Phil Hellmuth HAS to have his name in the news for something-Katrina related; like every time he makes a MARK OF A GREAT PLAYER LAYDOWN, the opposing player has to donate $500 to Katrina relief or something. That isn’t the case but, sure enough… “Leading online poker software developer, Excapsa Software, their network's primary licensee, UltimateBet.com, and Phil Hellmuth announced today that three fundraising poker tournaments will be held on UltimateBet.com to benefit the Hurricane Katrina relief efforts, beginning September 8th. Two smaller events will lead up to the main event on September 10th. One hundred percent of all revenues generated will be donated. In addition, both Excapsa Software and UltimateBet.com have pledged to match 100% of all funds raised up to $25,000 each and poker pros, Phil Hellmuth Jr. and Russ Hamilton have challenged the poker network by adding $10,000 each.

World Champion poker player, Phil Hellmuth, Jr., will host these online events. "As with 9/11 and the tsunami, watching television coverage of Katrina is incredibly upsetting. I asked myself what I could do to help. Having so many celebrity friends prepared to help has warmed my heart as I continued to reach out and ask for more assistance," stated Hellmuth. "I believe our efforts will make a difference.”

 

PR: You really are donating to the cause if you have to end up having lunch with Jennifer Tilly.

 

ED: The homes of Brett Favre and Steve McNair were destroyed in the hurricane.

 

BB: No way. Steve McNair’s house would have resisted even if it had tore it’s…oh, now I am just spoiling the preview.

 

OTHER

 

ED: Arizona Rattlers head coach Todd Shell arrested for snorting coke behind a commercial complex. When confronted by police, Shell lies then tells the truth about going behind the complex to snort some blow. And there again, kids, is the danger of doing drugs.

 

PR: Aww… NFL Jr. A little more like NFL Sr. everyday.

 

ED: HEY!!! WNBA PLAYOFFS!!! Bill will come with the detailed preview here in a bit.

 

BB: …cock rings?

 

ED: Former Baylor basketball coach Dave Bliss is hired as head coach of the CBA's Dakota Wizards. Mmm, shootings in North Dakota!

 

ED: The US Open tennis tournament is underway. III…No. I don't care.

 

BB: If it’s not keeping me from getting to New York City (stupid Grand Central), I don’t care.

 

ED: Kyle Busch wins the Sony HD 500 eliminating Dale Jr. from the Race For The Nextel Cup just to spite Phil for accusing NASCAR of being fixed.

 

BB: Aww….