The Week That Was 8/28/06 - 9/3/06

ED: In honor of LaboUr Day, we salute all the Baby’s Momma’s out there. I assume Matt Leinart is with us on this. Chris Simms, maybe not so much.

JF: So does Jon Lester have Good Hodgkins or Bad Hodgkins?

MM: He could have James Hodgins. If he wanted.

PR: Oh yeah – gonna be one of those weeks.

BB: Hey, look who showed up this week.

MLB

ED: Tom McKenna, former head trainer of the Mets from 1970-80, is dead at 88. One can only hope his last memories were not of Rusty Staub’s groin.

BB: I guess it would be a better last memory than first memory.

PR: And we start off with a visual that I did not need to have.

ED: TRADES!!! The Red Sox send P Tim Bausher and cash to the Reds for P Mike Burns. The Rangers pick up OF Victor Diaz from the Mets for C Mike Nickeas. The Red Sox trade P David Wells to the Padres for C George Kottaras. The Diamondbacks unload P Kevin Jarvis on the Red Sox for the ol’ PTBNL or cash. The Cubs unload 1B/DH Phil Nevin on the Twins for the ol’ PTBNL or cash. The Braves pick up PH Daryle Ward from the Nats for P Luis Atilano. The Dodgers pick up UTL Marlon Anderson from the Nats for P Jhonny Nunez.

PR: What a second. Mike Burns was only worth a scrub and some cash?!?!?!?!?! HE HAS 75 CAPS!!!! US SOCCER IS NOT RESPECTED!!! Oh wait...

BB: If I was still watching Red Sox games - I would be so confused. That Kevin Jarvis trade has significant potential for the PTBNL to be Kevin Jarvis, which would make me real happy.

ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The Cubs activate 1B Derrek Lee from the DL. The Pirates DFA P Britt Reames. The Blue Jays call up 2B Russ Adams and ship out IF Ryan Roberts. The D-Rays call up OF Delmon Young. The Tigers call up 1^st ROUND PICK!!! Andrew Miller. The Angels activate GRIT!!! Darin Erstad from the DL. The Rockies call up PROSPECT!!! Troy Tulowitzki. The Orioles sign C Danny Ardoin and DFA P Tim Byrdak. The Mets call up 2B Anderson Hernandez. The Padres sign P Rudy Seanez. The Braves activate P Kyle Davies from the DL. The Reds activate THE CRIPPLE NO ONE WANTS!!! Gary Majewski from the DL.

PR: BUT HE REPRESENTED OUR COUNTRY!!! WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC!!!! I can only promise to try and not shout the rest of the review.

BB: I am shocked that Britt Reames was still in professional baseball. And if I was going to steal Rippa's gimmick I would make a list of cripples no one wants (I'm looking at you Dan Blackburn) but I only do that when I'm going to get paid for it now. BUY THE SHIRT!! BUY THE SHIRT!!!!

ED: DL LIST!!! Nats OF Alex Escobar (out for the rest of the season with shoulder surgery), Pirates P’s Mike Gonzalez (elbow) and Tom Gorzelanny (elbow), Red Sox P Jon Lester (back), Mariners P Julio Mateo (broken hand while pumping up), D-Rays OF Jonny Gomes (done for the year with shoulder surgery), Rangers P Kip Wells (foot – out for the season), Cardinals P Mark Mulder (shoulder – possibly done for the year), Astros P Brandon Backe (done for the year to get Tommy John surgery)

BB: Joe already covered the Jon Lester story in the intro. That Mark Mulder trade was still real bad.

MM: WHO COULD'VE KNOWN MULDER WOULD PITCH LIKE THIS?!?! I love Cardinal fans.

ED: Yankees P Carl Pavano reveals that he is really James Bond and can’t pitch for the Yankees as he is too busy chasing down terrorists in his Porsche while Thuderpussy rides beside him. Or something.

Bill: awww...let's not talk about his car accident with jon lester

Bill: which gave lester lymphoma

Ed: hehehehehehe

Ed: I thought Pedroia was Thuderpussy

Bill: you clearly want marc to kick your asss

Ed: hehehehehe

Ed: And I thought Lester was Velvetfinger

Ed: I don't even want to know what that makes Theo

Bill: A FREAKING COMPUTER NERD DORK!!!

Ed: hehehehe

Bill: as my colleague at the boston globe dan shaughnessy would tell you

Ed: I was just going to go with Jailbait, but that works too

Bill: awww - he's engaged now

Ed: aww, I never though Bill James would ever commit

Ed: sadly, that pads out the Pavano piece so Phil can just randomly wish for Pavano's death elsewhere

Bill: i was reading an abstract yesterday

Bill: and i was amused by his JETHRO TULL!!!! love

Ed: HAH

Ed: aww

Bill: it was gammons-esque

Ed: so Enos Cabell hated prog-rock?

Bill: that sounds about right

Ed: yeah, I can see Cabell totally into the Ohio Players

Ed: and James is like - FUDGE YOUR ROLLER COASTER OF LOVE

Ed: I AM AQUA LUNG, BITCH!!!

Bill: awww - this is going in the wtw isn't it

Ed: it may as well, no one will notice

Bill: hehe

Ed: I'll just have to clean up the language

BB: As you can see, Ed took care of the language.

ED: Mariners P Rafeal Soriano is hospitalized after taking a Vlad Guerrero line drive off his head. No word on if Mariners C Kenji Johjima came to the mound to see…THE LUMP! THE LUMP! IT’S ON HIS HEAD!

PR: Sure Ed can roll out a Lump joke again and everyone will be “GREAT JOKE ED!!! SIR MIX A LOT APPROVES!!!” but I reference We Are Not Going To Make It last week and not a peep. Y’all suck.

ED: Simple, Phil – 99% of the general populace knows exactly one President of the United States songs – two tops. Your referencing the entire PUSA catalog…well, there ya go.

MM: Millions of peaches...

ED: The Astros extend the contract of P Roy Oswalt for 5 more years. BAH! No killdozer, no care by me!

BB: You know nothing?

ED: Like you have to ask.

ED: The US Olympic team loses its first game in the qualifying tournament. Phil gets all confused by the ghosts of Ivan Calderon and Henry Cotto.

PR: God Bless Ed being baffled by technology and not having the log of this. I will insist that I knew what I was talking about the entire time.

BB: I can assure you - I saw the log and they referenced eight people and I knew exactly one of them.

ED: I was so confused by the end of it, I did not even know myself.

MM: I've decided 2006 Frank Thomas is the 2006 Tim Thomas of Major League Baseball.

ED: ROID NEWZ!!! Barry Bonds’ personal trainer, Greg Anderson, goes back in jail for refusing to testify against the man whose head expanded. Dodgers minor leaguer Chales Dasni is suspended 50 games for the sweet juice. Ditto with Brewers minor leaguer Luis Jimenez.

BB: You have to figure Greg Anderson's signed up for a Jail Rewards card at this point and is going to get comped a cell real soon.

MM: The Phoenix metro area joins only(?) Pittsburgh as major cities with three sports teams sharing the same colors -- Diamondbacks switching to Sonora red, black, and sand in '07.

CFL

ED: Argos lineman – and former Eagles first round pick – Bernard Williams is arrested for sexual assault. Poor guy. If he had stuck with the Eagles, that act would have made him mayor of Philly.

WEEK TWELVE!!!

JS: Yet more Alouettes ugliness as the Lions roll them right over, 48-13. Calvillo got benched in the fourth quarter. I have no explanation for the Als’ current bout with dismal failure.

PR: Aww... and the New York Times had just realized that the CFL existed too.

PR: Saskatchewan beats Winnipeg by approximately a 1000 points in what is shaping up to be an ugly week in CFL football.

PR: Yeah – the rest of the games occurred on Monday and Justin already went and Ed and I are assuredly too lazy to find the results. We shall all assume Hamilton lost.

ED: Damon Allen tops 70K passing yards as the Argos destroy the pathetic Ti-Cats, 40-6.

ED: Kerry Joseph runs wild as Saskatchewan whips Winnipeg, 39-12.

NFL

ED: Hey! Roger Goodell is officially the NFL Commissioner now. First thing moved in to Tag’s office? That’s right – GENE UPSHAW’S LEASH!!! YES! I AM AS WHITE AS A GUMBEL!!! I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE!

BB: Yeah - yeah - but you're not as purty as Jeff George. No sir. I don't care if we're boyz.

ED: INJURIES!!! Chiefs RB Priest Holmes is put on the PUP list. Falcons LB Ed Hartwell (knee – out 2-4 weeks), Jets RB Curtis Martin (on the PUP list with a bum knee and will miss at least the first 6 weeks), Jags T Mike Williams (on the IR with a bum back), Dolphins C Seth McKinney (on the IR with a bad neck), Eagles OLYMPIAN!!! Jeremy Bloom (out for the season with a hammy), Bucs QB Luke McCown (on the PUP list with an ACL)

ED: Colts CLUTCH!!! K Adam Vinatieri is hurt. Either his left foot is broken or his left ankle is sprained. Depends on if you ask the team doctor or his mommy.

PR: Has Peyton accused him of being drunk yet?

BB: I hope whatever the Indianapolis equivalent of Papa Gino's is has wheelchair access.

ED: Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will miss at least the opening week of the season after undergoing an emergency appendectomy. Bill is administering the Football Outsiders sponge bath to St. Ben as I type this…or else he’s hiding from the Phillippi Sparks family. Whichever.

ED: Chargers LB Steve Foley is shot twice by San Diego cops after being pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Foley will miss the entire season. I smell second to last place for the Raiders!

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! Lotsa cuts this week. We are far too lazy to list them all, but the highlights include – the Bills cut G Aaron Gibson. The Cards cut QB Rohan Davey, DE Kenny King and RB Roger Robinson. The Chargers cut QB A.J. Feeley. The Bengals cut LB Hannibal Navies. The Dolphins cut QB Brock Berlin. The Giants cut QB? Rob Johnson. The Broncos cut CB Willie Middlebrooks. The Eagles cut WR Todd Pinkston, QB Koy Detmer and sign QB A.J. Feeley. The Jets claim WR Sloan Thomas off of waivers from the Titans. The Rams sign RB Stephen Davis.

PR: I could see Aaron Gibson being the type of fella to drown his sorrow with cake.

MM: She's going the distance. She's looking for speed. She's all alone, all alone, in her time of need.

BB: "Williams will be replaced by former Lions tackle Aaron Gibson, who spent 2005 dealing with his weight issues by not playing football. This article includes wonderfully slighting compliments like “Currently listed at 370 pounds, Gibson looks relatively fit,” as well as, “With new strength and conditioning coordinator John Allaire on the staff he’s got as good a chance in Buffalo as anywhere to keep his weight under control,” a statement which implies either that other teams don’t have strength and conditioning coordinators, or that Buffalo’s previous strength and conditioning coach would’ve taken him on day trips to Ying’s Wings and Things. Once the article – or any NFL article, really – moves on to talking about how big Gibson’s helmet is and how it’s a problem for the equipment manager, you can feel free to move on."

GROUNDHOG DAY PART 1 MM: Oakland did sign MULLET Jeff George. To play QB. The Jeff George Foundation website dedicated to breast cancer awareness describes mammograms as "only slight discomfort for a few seconds." Why can't George be as painless? It's Steve DeBerg without the winning or mediocre stats or success. Don Majkowski was busy? Al Davis couldn't BM in his pants and come up with a worse roster move.

PR: George doesn’t last a week so Ed doesn’t have to unleash his full venom.

GROUNDHOG DAY PART 2 MM: Tennessee Norm Chows anger Billy Volek and ink Kerry Collins, who only knows a 12 step pass drop at this point. Eagles send former K-State bully Mark Simoneau to Katrinatown for WR Donte' Stallworth, trade-nullifying groin troubles notwithstanding.

BB: Awww…that joke is straight out of the PFP book. The pass drop, not the Katrinatown one. I didn't get to touch the Saints section. With good reason.

PR: Some additional cuts: The Broncos released RB Ron Dayne (hehehehe), the Packers dump Najeh Davenport (Yes – I am the master of the horrible puns), the Lions decided to drop another first round failure after Gibson as the parted ways with Charles Rogers, the Colts release QB Shaun King, the Jets release CB Ray Mickens.

BB: HE POOPED! IN A CLOSET!!! God, I know I've done worse.

ED: TRADES!!! The Jets trade TE Doug Jolley to the Bucs for an undisclosed draft pick. The Cowboys trade TE Sean Ryan to the Jets for an undisclosed draft pick. The Vikings pick up QB Brooks Bollinger from the Jets for DT C.J. Mosley. The Raiders send WR Doug Gabriel to the Pats for an undisclosed pick. The Raiders send DE Bobby Hamilton to the Jets for an undisclosed draft pick.

ED: Cowboys WR Terrell Owens is fined $9.5K for missing practices and just generally being Terrell Owens. Ooo, more money Jerry Jones can use on some fine plastic surgery.

PR: PREVIEW TEASE~!

BB: Aww....

ED: ROID NEWZ!!! A report comes out that like everybody in the Charlotte, North Carolina area was on ‘roids they year the Panthers went to the Super Bowl. And some sort of drug testing expert says the NFL’s drug testing policy is inadequate. WHAT?!?!?!?! ROIDING IN THE NFL?!?!?!?! GET. OUT.

BB: I thought they got PEE TESTS?!!?!?

ED: But importantly, the NFL LAYED THE SMACKDOWN ON ONE IMPORTANT ISSUE – that’s right, no stadium is allowed to play Gary Glitter’s "Rock and Roll Part 2." YEAH!!! IN YOUR FACE, KIDDY DIDDLER!!!

BB: Awww - if they realized Graham Coxon did tons of drugs, there wouldn't be any songs to play after touchdowns. Of course - after I saw the Gorillaz episode of Cribs - I hate myself and I want to die.

MM: 49ers finish construction on a home for the mother of Thomas Herrion, Janice. Herrion died after a preseason game last August. In other news, Dennis Green may or may not have bought Kelci Stringer a popcicle.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Steelers #1 PICK Santonio Holmes’ domestic violence trial is put on hold…hopefully because everyone in Columbus is violently ill after eating that Ohio State cereal. Dolphins RB Sammy Morris is suspended 4 games for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Former Bengal Matthias Askew is suing the city of Cincinnati for $50 million for accusing police officers of excessive force when they used a stun gun to subdue him.

BB: I think Deion Branch wants him some of that.

MM: Kenny Stabler must think snakes don't pay taxes, the feds are taking his property in sweet home Alabama and asking for half a million dollars in back fees. According to AP, Stabler Co. arranges speaking gigs but does not arrange to pay the gub'ment what they owe. And Dave Meggett goes all Vail, CO on his ex-girlfriend and gets arrested for no-means-maybe sexual relations. Couldn't Lawrence Taylor send over call girls to opponents AND ex-teammates?

NCAA

ED: Hey! The college football season started! Sweet-sweet murderous rage.

MM: Two guys who were playing with or against 17 year olds last year -- QB Mitch Mustain and coordinator Gus Malzahn of Arkansas -- run the spread offense to perfection against USC's walk-ons in the last quarter of a lop-sided loss for the Razorbacks. Still, someone send the tape to Urban Meyer. By November, Mustain will be getting freshman-year-Adrian-Peterson press.

MM: I ask you, dear reader(s), how does Ohio State get the Trailblazers-of-the-NCAA rap and Mack Brown escapes all condemnation? Starting tailback caught with weed and gone to NAIA school. Starting corner holding Mary Jane and guns suspended for THE MATCH-UP OF THE CENTURY versus the Buckeyes this weekend. Add Ricky Williams, Austin scholarship players love them some marijuana. I always knew Major Applewhite's eyes were more glazed than a baker's dozen from Krispy Kreme.

SOCCER

PR: Portsmouth goes crazy on transfer deadline day signing both Niko Kranjcar and Andy Cole. Yeah - I think this is where me, Pompey and CM/WSM part ways.

BB: Portsmouth will now be looking for a new manager, hopefully to save the club from relegation.

PR: Dwight Yorke returns from the Outback to sign with Sunderland. Clearly Roy Keane wanted to have someone older than him around.

BB: Aww…he took all the stingray anti-venom with him. You KNEW that was coming.

PR: Aww.... Derby couldn't get a work permit for Josh Wolff. Oh yeah - I wanted to write something funny here but I am going to be giggling for awhile. I HAVE 48 CAPS DAMMIT!!! I WAS IN A FOX SOCCER COMMERICAL... POSSIBLY!!!

BB: I AM FAST!

PR: The Richmond Kickers win the USL Second Division Championship. Aww... it seems so long ago when Richie Williams was there and they were in the First Division. Poor poor weird US soccer.

BB: It's always a good time when Richie Williams is far away.

JS: This was a weird weekend for soccer in general, as the various premier leagues took the week off so national teams could compete for Euro/Asian Cup qualifying. The only Euro result I noticed that was sort of odd was Lithuania tying Italy 1-1. I guess Italy’s still celebrating. Germany beat poor eternally unlucky Ireland 1-0 on a deflected free kick. The Dutch beat Luxemborg by the non-lopsided score of 1-0. My one bit of live sports this week was watching Iran tie Korea in Seoul in extra time (thank you, Setanta.) Being the Reds just wasn’t enough.

NBA

GROUNDHOG DAY PART 3 MM: Mike Montgomery all Rick Pitino and coaching at a WAC [wack?] school near you in 07/08...DON NELSON, the old one, returns to the bench in Golden State. Memories flood my frontal lobe like the 9th Ward taking on levee breaks -- favoritist player of all time Tim Hardaway crossing people with the UTEP Two-Step way before AI carried the ball on MJ, Run TMC, the finest days of Chris Mullin, Mitch Richmond in the playoffs, Latrell Sprewell up-and-coming dunker and not PJ neck-chunker...Jason Richardson in the dunk contest wearing Sarunas Marčiulionis' tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt is the 5th sign of the Apocalypse.

PR: Aww… do I break Marc’s heart and remind him it was Run TMC?

MM: After a quick edit, I tuck away my #10 "Hardaway" jersey in shame.

ED: Winning is apparently Greek to the US World Championship’s team. Yes. You can be glad none of us are getting paid for our jokes.

BB: …BUY THE SHIRT! BUY THE SHIRT!!!

JS: Yeah……what a debacle. I don’t even know who to blame this time. They hired a respectable coach (i.e., not George Karl.) The players actually wanted to be there, unlike the ’04 team where only Iverson was playing like he cared. The defensive effort was there. And yet—another loss. I guess it really is a three-year plan and they’re planning on having everything right for the Olympics, working on the theory that Americans actually care about the Olympics and not the worlds (which is true)—so a little under-the-radar humiliation is maybe okay now.

JS: Anyway, adding insult to injury, Greece was absolutely crushed in the final by a Spanish team that didn’t even have Pau Gasol. At least we beat fellow NBA-player-laden disappointment Argentina for the bronze.

ED: Bucks G Latrell Sprewell is being investigated for allegedly choking a woman while having sex. Yeah, why Sprewell was having sex with a woman who looked like P.J. Carlesimo is beyond everyone.

PR: That might be a worse image than Rusty Staub’s groin.

MM: Sprewell/Marv Albert/random girl is so the second greatest possible menage-a-trois to Leinart/Kolber/Finch.

NHL

ED: The Red Wings are going to retire Steve Yzerman’s jersey. I’ve got nothing.

PR: Umm... at least he wasn’t crippled in a limo?

BB: I HATE YOU FOR RUINING MY STANLEY CUP KONSTANTINOV.

MM: Hey, the Blues are doing the same thing. For Brett Hull. On the night they play Detroit. Tentatively.

PR: Mike Keenan resigns as Panthers GM. AT LEAST HE HAS A RING!!! God – that Rangers title is so forever tainted.

OTHER

ED: That there US Open tennis dealie started. Oh, how to explain that funny feeling in my pants?

ED: The WNBA finals stated. Oh, how to explain that funny feeling in my pants?

ED: The Sony HD 500 goes down. Someone won. Oh, how to explain that funny feeling in my pants?

BB: …Jeff George is back, Mike Alstott is still white, and Chris Berman's still hefty? You can PayPal me the $5.

ED: Don’t hold your breath on getting that Sparks family cash, Bill.