ED:
OPENING WEEK OF THE NFL!!! The question is – where is Bon
Jovi? Where?
PR: I can assure you he isn’t
at a MENSA meeting.
MLB ED: ROSTER MOVES!!! The
Yankees activate P Mike Mussina and OF Hideki Matsui from the DL.
The Reds pick up P Sun-Woo Kim and cash from the Rockies for future
considerations. The Cubs pick up P Adam Harben from the Twins to
complete the Phil Nevin trade. The Devil Rays activate P Jae Seo
from the DL. The Nats activate P Felix Rodriguez from the
DL. The White Sox activate P Dustin Hermanson from the DL.
The Tigers activate P Mike Maroth from the DL. The Tigers release
WIFE BEATER! Dmitri Young. The A’s activate PROVEN COLLEGE
CLOSER!!! Huston Street from the DL. The D-Rays release 1B Travis
Lee.
PR: The Red Sox released Javy
Lopez. Boston and Baltimore obviously didn’t have the proper SCOUTING~!
Staff to maximize his performance.
ED: DL LIST!!!
Royals 3B Mark Teahen (out for the rest of the year to have shoulder
surgery), Reds PVC!!! Eddie Guardado (done for the season to get Tommy
John surgery)
PR: Are we sure Wayne Krivsky
didn’t mentor under Jim Bowden? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ MRIs. SEND US
YOUR CRIPPLED MASSES!!!!
ED: Marlins P Anibal
Sanchez thows a no-hitter against the Diamondbacks. Red Sox fans
would be HORKED by this, since they had given up Sanchez in the
offseason, BUT THEY ARE SABERMETRICALLY SMART AND KNOW NO-HITTERS ARE
CRAP!! Marlins fans would be geeked by this but…well…the
no-hitter was against the D-Backs, after all.
PR: Oh yeah – nothing finer
this season than the complete 180 Sox fans did on Josh Beckett.
ED: Twins broadcaster
Bert Blyleven is suspended two games for dropping two f-bombs during a
pregame show. CIRCLE THE F BOMBS BERT!
PR: A Hall of Famer would
never talk like this.
ED: The woman accused of
stalking Bob Uecker is ordered to stay away from him for four years –
including all baseball games that the Brewers are involved in.
Gee, the last person who got people to stay away from Brewers games
became MLB commissioner.
NFL ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!
The Texans sign WIDE LOAD! Ron Dayne. The Dolphins claim RB Lee
Suggs off of waivers. The Titans sign DT Robaire Smith. The
Seahawks sign WR/KR Willie Ponder. The Saints sign LB Danny Clark
and released S Jay Bellamy.
PR: Good luck with that
Seattle. Hope Ponder has learned how to hold onto the ball. I wonder if
Dayne realizes that he isn’t going to play for the University of Texas.
Poor poor college career being behind him.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Lions DL coach Joe Cullen is arrested TWICE in two weeks
on DUI charges – the second one coming while Cullen was driving drunk
AND naked…through a Wendy’s drive thru. Broncos QB Jake Plummer
will not have to face trial on his road rage charges. Jags CB
Brian Williams is busted for DUI. Former Broncos GENIUS THIRD
ROUND PICK! Maurice Clarett is indicted on all sorts of charges re: his
wild highway chase.
WEEK ONE!!! ED: The Steelers –
WITHOUT ST. BEN – handle the Dolphins, 28-17. So uhh…when Charlie
Batch replaces you easily…
PR: Well it was a lot easier
for Batch to play better when he didn’t have Matt Millen all up in his….
ED: Atlanta finally
beats Carolina, 20-6. And yes, I am certain Chris Collinsworth
had an erection the whole time they were going through the game recap.
PR: Easily this is a worse
image than Rusty Staub’s groin.
ED: Aww, poor Tampa
Bay. Wasting that #9 overall pick on Chris Simms. Ravens
27-Bucs 0.
PR: Aww… and I have their
defense and starting running back. Poor poor fantasy.
ED: GAME WINNING
SAFETY!!! WHO NEEDS YOUR CLUTCH KICKERS?!?!?! WHO?
New England 19-Buffalo 17.
PR: Not the Redskins.
ED: Herm Edwards not
only cannot manage a clock, he can’t jump to an organization at the
right time, either. Aww. Bengals 23, Kansas City 10.
PR: If only Trent Green had
learned how to slide. Oh wait…
ED: JESUS
>>>>>> Genius! Rams 18, Broncos 10.
ED: If they played this
game in New Orleans, do you think Romeo Crennell could have floated
over and taken out Reggie Bush? Actually, does anyone think
Crennell could float? Saints 19, Browns 14.
ED: THE JETS PLAYED TO
WIN THE GAME!!! Kerry Collins played for more beer. Jets
23, Titans 16.
PR: Maybe if he didn’t hate
the black players on his team, they could have won too. Aww… Ed and I
both went there.
ED: Oof.
Yeah. Oof. Philadelphia 24, Houston 10.
PR: But… But… BUT… THE TEXANS
HAD THEIR GREATEST DRIVE EVER!!!
ED: Seattle 9, Detroit
6. Proof positive that hetero men do not need touchdowns.
ED: The Bears destroy
the Packers, 26-0. Yep. I am certain every NFC North team
will miss Brett Favre when he goes.
ED: Jack Del Rio’s
magnificent man-hair destroys Bill Parcell’s last unblocked valve,
24-17.
PR: I had forgotten that Mike
Tice was an assistant in Jacksonville and the first time there was a
shot of Del Rio standing next to Tice, I laughed and laughed and
laughed. ED: The Cards open up
the Pink Taco by holding off their hand-selected job boy 49ers, 34-27
PR: Ricky Ray rallies the
Eskimos very very very late as they manage to actually win a game late
over Calgary. Nope – the Jets couldn’t have used him. Nope not at all.
ED: Damon Allen becomes
pro football’s all-time passing leader as Toronto edges Hamilton, 11-9.
PR: Hehehehehe – poor poor Ed.
ED: Winnipeg runs wild
and snaps a four game losing streak as they top Saskatchewan, 27-3.
NCAA ED: Ohio State wins the
convict conflict over Texas, 24-7. Mmmmm, riots.
ED: Oh! And
speaking of Ohio State and riots – an Ohio State cheerleader hits 3
people – an Ohio State Vice President, her husband and a firefighter –
while driving drunk after the game! Mmmm, Ohio State convicts!
PR: When Ed first told me
about this story, I thought the cheerleader was female and the idea of
a 80 lb girl, drunk and on her way to sleep with the 5th string left
guard made this the greatest story imaginable. Then it turned out it
was a male cheerleader and I stopped caring.
ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Five Colorado State football players are arrested on
fraud charges. Texas football players Tarell Brown and Tyrell
Gatewood are arrested on gun and pot possession charges.
Tennessee basketball player Major Wingate is kicked off the team for
violating team rules.
SOCCER PR: Peter Crouch keeps scoring
goals for England. But he still stinks. Yup. Hey, that’s what the folks
in England want us to believe. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!!
PR: Wayne Rooney rumbles with
Blackburn’s Michael Gray in a restaurant. OH NO! THIS WILL HORRIBLY
DAMAGE ROONEY’S REPUTATION!!!!
PR: Looks like Bill and I are
the only ones who haven’t been crippled by Ben Thatcher at some point.
PR: Pablo Mastroeni and Dave
Checketts! go nose to nose and have a shouting match that is broken up
by Clint Mathis!! I am unfamiliar with the world we are currently
living in.
NBA ED: TROUBLE
LIST!!! Ralph Sampson gets two months in jail for mail
fraud. Bucks G Latrell Sprewell will not be charged for allegedly
choking a woman while having sex. Henry Charles James (since apparently
AP wants to make him out to be a kid toucher) was arrested for selling
drugs while his 6 kids were present.
PR: They officially inducted
the Hall of Fame class. I am assuming that they had to open a new wing
to fit the bust of Charles Barkley in.
NHL ED: Sharks F Mark Bell
is arrested on DUI charges. But hey, at least he was fully
clothed.
PR: But… but… MAN OF THE
YEAR!!! (Yes – I realize that only a hockey fan from Chicago will get
this and there can’t be any of those in our readership.)
OTHER ED: An assistant youth
football coach in Stockton, CA is arrested to tackling an opposing
player for a late hit the player made on one of the coaches
players. That’s right. A 36 year old man tackled a 12 year
old. I can so imagine this being Phil in 10 years.
PR: Aww… I will likely throw
my back out attempting the tackle.
ED: I assumed you would
shred an ACL on your way out to make the tackle, actually.
ED: Marion Jones is not
a ‘roider. That’s right. Her pee is clean. Which
makes her the only track athlete who can claim such, apparently.
PR: Holy Cow. I just realized
now why Moises Alou pees on his hands. Because all baseball players use
the roids apparently and so while clean pee wouldn’t give him an
advantage, pee on the juice HAS to help. Yes – I probably should have
woken up before writing this.
ED: Roger Federer wins the
men’s US Open title. Maria Sharapova wins the women’s
title. Now traffic can go back to normal in New York.
ED: Kasey Kahne wins the Chevy
Rock & Roll 400. Whatever.
PR: Aww… the perfect example
of how Ed totally doesn’t care about NASCAR and just reads a story
until a name pops up and he assumes that was the winner. Kevin Harvick
wins the race dealie. Kasey Kahne sneaks his way into the Chase for the
Cup dealie. Tony Stewart falls out of the Chase for the Cup dealie.
Jeff Gordon is intrigued by the dealie and would like to play with it.