The Week That
Was 9/5/05 - 9/11/05
ED: Poor-poor Lloyd.
MLB
ED: VP.com's favorite manager, Lloyd McClendon, is fired by the
Pirates. I guess we alone will have to pick fights with Tony LaRussa now.
BB: After
reading the wonderful wonderful wonderful
Yahoo article on Julian Tavarez this weekend (where
it detailed him trying to knock out Don Baylor with a rag of ether), I think
someone will be picking fights with LaRussa soon
enough.
ED: The Orioles
send home PERFORMANCE ENHANCEMENT EXTRAORDINAIRE Rafael Palmeiro
to "nurse his injured leg." Yeah, that's the reason they sent him
home.
BB: He’s TESTING
LIMITS, Ed. You live your life within the lines of “the law” and “not taking
steroids”. Rafael Palmeiro does not. That is why he
is still a hero to…people who live in a cave, I guess.
ED: Giants OF
Barry Bonds may or may not have scuffled with former Giants P Jason
Christiansen in June over the presence of one of Bonds' personal trainer in the
Giants clubhouse. Mmm,
'roid rage.
BB: Did Jeff
Kent assemble a posse of middle relievers to take out Barry Bonds? Does anyone
else think that is the funniest idea ever? COMPADRES DEL LOOGY!!!!
ED: Curt
Schilling and his wife take in a family from
BB: Yes, I mean,
first the skin cancer, then the ankle, and now some unsufferable
street urchin?
ED: Your weekly
cripple list includes: Nats 2B Junior Spivey (now
done for the season with a broken wrist), Dodgers SS Cesar Izturis
(now done for the season and most of next to get Tommy John surgery)
BB: I wish I
could put money on Mark Bellhorn becoming a Dodger
this offseason.
PR: You just
want anything to get him off the Yankees so you can root for him again.
ED: PLAYA
MOVEMENT!!! The Reds DFA P Ben Weber. The Marlins sign P Paul Quantrill.
BB: And somehow
Danny Graves is still unemployed. Life is not fair.
ED: Mariners SS
Michael Morse is suspended 10 games for 'roiding.
Morse states that he indeed took steroids in November of '03 to heal a leg
injury and states that the 'roids were still in his
system at the time of testing. Yeah. Right.
BB: Oh! It’s ok!
He was just using it to heal an injury! And you know,
the rules talk about how you’re not allowed to take steroids…at all. Oh.
PR: I enjoy that
everyone is going along with and yet Raffy couldn’t
come up with any half plausible excuse. I mean, honestly, if had said “yeah, it
turns out that Viagra makes you test positive” everyone would have been “Oh, of
COURSE!” Poor disrespected little blue pill.
ED: Twins P Kyle
Lohse goes postal after getting pulled early in a
shay start and beats Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire's
door with a bat. Lohse may have hurt his finger in
the process. God, I hope Lohse gets traded to the
Cardinals.
BB: Lohse vs. Tavarez would be fun. I
am sad that Gardenhire did not blame this on the
crazy person on Lohse’s shoulder.
PR: Or sabermetrics.
ED: Phil hits me
up with the good stuff: Former…uhh…Seinfeld extra
Danny Tartabull is being sued by a California couple
who claim he reneged on a real estate deal, then forcibly entered their Malibu
home and refused to leave it, pay rent or allow the owners to come in to remove
their possessions. I was going to ask why Tartabull
was in
PR: “I PLAYED
FOR THE YANKEES!!!! THE YANKEES!!! I AM A TRUE STAR!!!!”
CFL
ED: Player
movement - the TiCats sign RB Jesse Lumsden, the Als
sign WR Thyron Anderson,
ED: Oh yeah, and this just to make Phil and Bill
happy -
BB: Like I care
about reality TV or
PR: Okay, with
the exchange rate, does this mean Palmer will be closer or even further away
from his Madden stats?
WEEK TWELVE!!!
ED: BC stomps
ED:
BB: You clearly
have never watched Knicks basketball before.
PR: Or the
Redskins vs. Bears.
ED:
ED:
NFL
ED: Jerry Rice
retires. Well, it is a better option than playing for the Broncos this year.
ED: INJURIES!!!
Out for Week 1: Steelers FATMAN Jerome Bettis (Gout? Hypertension? Who cares?)
BB: I am pretty
sure Jerome Bettis was not the only player who was
injured in week one but why ask why?
PR: Aww… well Will Petereson was sorta hurt as he told Tom Coughlin he thought he would be
hurting the team if he started. So, of course, he was benched for the entire
game. Now I know THAT will hurt his Madden ratings.
ED: PLAYER
MOVEMENT!!! The Vikings sign WR Koren Robinson and release WR Kelly Campbell;
the Steelers sign WR Quincy Morgan and release WR Lee Mays; the Packers sign TE
Donald Lee and cut TE Ben Steele and RB Nick Luchey;
the Jets sign OL Scott Gragg; the Broncos sign WR David
Terrell; the Bucs sign KR Mark Jones; the Colts cut
WR Troy Walters; the Dolphins sign CB Kiwaukee
Thomas;
BB: The Vikings
then waive Koren Robinson so they can sign him for next week. Got that? Right. I hear you gain two inches in the thin air of
PR: The Giants
also signed Chad Morton at some point in time that I missed. All I know is that
I was giddy.
ED: The Saints
officially wanted to move their home games to LSU's
field. LSU however didn't want the Saints. So the Saints play coy and say that
they elect to move their homes games to
PR: Probably the
best part of all this is that the NFL really doesn’t want to let them play in
ED: An appeals
court rules that the Panthers must pay former CB Michael Swift $160K+ after he
broke an ankle in training camp in 1999.
BB: Training
camp joke…Rippa….paging Phil Rippa….
PR: Aww… I didn’t know George Seifert hated his players.
ED: Seahawks
defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes will miss the 'Hawks opener against
PR: No no – it would take a lot more than
that for them to pull out that victory.
ED: Broncos
back-up QB Bradlee Van Pelt makes a Shanahan of
himself at a Colorado State-Colorado game. Well, if you are going anywhere near
the
BB: I still
can’t find an article that says what the “vulgarity” on his t-shirt said.
Someone hook me up.
ED: A
ED: Packers RB Ahman Green and Ravens CB Samari Rolle get nice little fines to avoid suspension for their
off the field troubles.
WEEK ONE!!!
ED: TOM BRADY
WALKS ON WATER! HEALS THE SICK! RAISES THE DEAD! BEATS AN
AWFUL RAIDER TEAM ALL BY HIMSELF, 30-20. ALL HAIL BRADY!!!
BB: Well I mean
Tom Brady did have a really good day. Not like the Pats defense did. Not like
anyone else did.
ED: The Redskins
out-bore the Bears 9-7. Mmm, Super Bowl Redskins!
BB: BRING ON
JASON CAMPBELL!!!
PR: This was
still more entertaining that the Jets game. Highlight was Sammy Baugh basically
wanting to charge out of the booth to complain about the hit on Ramsey.
ED: The Dolphins
spank the Broncos 34-10. Aww, good thing the Broncos draft so well, elsewise we'd think this would be a bad omen for their
future.
BB: Well, it’s
not like they needed that third round pick.
ED: The Saints
avenge all the Hurricane Katrina victims by edging the Panthers, 23-20. Oh man, this won't be blown out of proportion
at all. Nope. Not at all.
BB: So if John
Carney misses that field goal, do more people die? How does this avenging work?
PR: HEY!!!! I am
offended. That is really close to stealing my preview jokes.
ED: The Jags thump
BB: SUPER BOWL
CONTENDERS!!! RUNNING QUARTERBACK!!! GOTTA CHOP WOOD!!! None of these things
are true.
ED: The Steelers
kill the Titans, 34-7. Yes, this means
that Ben Worthlessberger is for real. Yep.
No question about it.
PR: PERFECT
PASSER RATING!!! (sure he only threw 11 times) PERFECT
PASSER RATING!!!
BB: For some
reason Worthlessberger made me think about both
Worcestershire sauce and hamburgers and now Ed made me hungry. Damn you you old man.
ED: The Bengals top the Browns, 27-13. God, I hate
BB: Fortunately,
so does the rest of the world.
ED: The Bills handle the Texans, 22-7. Oh, that had to have been the most boring game
ever...well, no. Not even the most
boring game of the afternoon after I recall the Washington-Chicago game. Stupid horrible NFL.
BB: The Texans
should have just sent their second stringers out. That would’ve stopped the
Bills in their tracks.
PR: My NFL
Ticket hates me.
ED: The Chiefs
DEFENSE!!! IMPENETRABLE DEFENSE!!! whips the anemic offense of the Jets, 27-7.
BB:
PR: At least
Herman Edwards didn’t botch managing the clock… I think.
ED: DAUNTE
CULPEPPER!!! becomes the greatest QB EVER now that
Randy Moss is gone...yet the Vikings lose to the Bucs,
24-13. Hmm, how could that be?
BB: Oh – um – uh
– he’s still good in fantasy right?
PR: Why are you fantasizing about Daunte Culpepper? I
mean, there is nothing wrong with it, if you are into that sort of thing. I was
just caught unprepared by that statement.
ED: The Cowboys
upset the Chargers, 28-24. Mmm, peanut butter baths for fat men!
BB: Sweet sweet pool of peanut butter. Bill didn’t tell his heart
doctor he was swimming laps in water, no sir.
ED: The 49ers
stun the Rams, 28-25. Mike Martz is
still not a stupid coach. Nope. Not at all.
BB: HE’S TWO…he’s
three points behind the worst team in football.
ED: The Giants thrash the Cards, 42-19. Oh yeah, I'm backing away from this.
BB: As Phil said
– the first drive of the season was probably the best one. I also don’t think
that our special teams will score 14 points a game so until Eli Manning is no
longer stinky – we still are.
PR: I can’t even
begin to explain easy it was to see that the Giants will never have a drive as
perfect as their opening one yesterday. And I am bitter that Chris Berman
actually ruined Willie Ponder’s TD for me because by
the 4th time I heard him go “THINK ABOUT THIS!!!!!” I wanted to
drive my car into the Bristol HQ
ED: The Lions outsexy the Packers, 17-3.
Bill is getting a fat paycheck from the Lions organization for not jinxing
them, I bet.
BB: I am getting
a fat paycheck from the Lions organization cause I am
STRAIGHT! AS AN ARROW! I LIKE THE LADIES! AND BEER! AND SNOWBOARDING! WITH
GIRLS IN BIKINIS ON TOP OF MOUNTAINS!
PR: ….
ANNNNNDDDDD TWWWWWIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSSS!!!!!!!
ED: Colts-Ravens
BB: I just
wanted to leave this as is.
PR: Hehehehe – the Ray Lewis waves the flag like a blooming
idiot pretty much turned me off of the entire game. Granted, Joe Theisman repeatedly calling Paul McGwire
a fool drew me back in. But then Mike Patrick screaming about how this was the
greatest 3-0 game really put the nails into the coffin. Oh and a note to
Patrick – my wife says you really need to pick a different color to dye your
hair.
NCAA
ED: Two Central
Michigan football players are charged with second degree murder and
manslaughter raps for the fatal beating of a
ED:
BB: Hehehehe.
SOCCER
BB:
PR: SACK THE
SWEDE!!!! I did take some amusement in that in my CM game, Sven really was
fired. (Poor little teams crapping out in EURO 04).
PR: Aww… Arsenal still is stinky this year and now Thierry
Henry needs a month to get his groin right.
NBA
ED: Celtics
patriarch Red Auerbach is hospitalized for an
undisclosed health condition. He's 88 and smoked a whole lotta cigars. You figure it out.
BB: …auto-erotic
asphyxiation?
PR: Does that
mean Simmons…got stuck in Red’s mouth?
NHL
ED: Uh. Yeah.
PR: Lots of old old defensemen retired.
OTHER
ED: Kim Clijsters wins the Women's U.S. Open championship, Roger Federer wins the Men's.
Now everyone can continue ignoring tennis again.
PR: And everyone
can slash a minute off their commute into the City.
ED: Kurt Busch
wins the Chevy Rock & Roll 400. Jeff
Gordon eliminated from the Nextel Cup Championship playoffs. NASCAR seriously
reconsidering fixing their races again in '06.
PR: Don’t say I
didn’t warn them.
ED:
PR: At first, I
thought Ed was saying Butch Hobson was hired. Which would
have meant that this story should have been the first one, not the last one.