The Week
That Was
9/11/06 -
9/17/06
ED:
Dear Football Gods – Why do you hate me? LUV, Ed!
JS:
Meanwhile whichever deity that rules college ball is smiling on me.
RUTGERS 3-0, BAYBEE!
JF:
U of O cheats to get an undeserved win over Oklahoma, but Charlie Weiss
gets kicked in the head with an iron boot. Jake Plummer is still
my team’s quarterback, yet they still managed to win the game.
This must be some strange football purgatory.
ED:
Hey! Aaron Brooks got hurt. Things are looking up!
PR: I
didn’t have a heart attack this weekend so that was a plus. Or not. It
will depend on how the week goes. Oh and Marc attempted to write
something. I will blame the Missouri or Arizona school system on it not
being included.
MLB
ED:
ROSTER MOVES!!! The Red Sox activate P Tim Wakefield from the DL.
The Mets activate P Pedro Martinez from the DL. The Tigers claim
DREAMY!!!! MATT FRIGGIN’ STAIRS off of waivers from the Rangers.
The Cards activate SCRAP!!! David Eckstein from the DL.
JF:
Nothing to do with nothing, but when did the Red Sox sign Kevin
Jarvis? And who decided it would be a good idea to give him a
start in Yankee stadium? He needs to go away for good so we can
do the big Kevin Jarvis-Jose Lima-Scott Erickson Pitchers Who
Inexplicably Keep Getting Jobs FPOTM 3-pack.
ED:
Does Jose Lima’s wife’s dress come with that 3-pack?
PR: I
could easily see Scott Erickson trying to win that dress for Lisa
Guerrero. I could easily see Lisa Guerrero wearing that dress so she
could sleep with like Eric Dickerson.
ED:
DL LIST!!! Twins P Francisco Liriano (likely done for the year
with a bum elbow and possibly set for Tommy John surgery), Giants
PVC!!! Armando Benitez (done for the season with a bum knee), Braves 3B
Chipper Jones (oblique)
PR:
The most startling thing I read recently was that the Giants had been
using Mike Stanton as their closer. Aww…
ED:
A report out of Toronto reveals that the Blue Jays will lose $22
million this year. Of course, if they had billed the Jays as
ultimate fighters rather than a baseball team…
JF:
I Am Not Afraid Of You And I Will Beat Your Ass.
ED:
Hey! Speaking of ultimate fighting – Royals C John Buck and P?
Runelvys Hernandez get into a scrap in the dugout during a game against
the Indians. Man, Royals fighting in mid-September during a game
against the Indians…obviously, this had to entail something that will
be covered at On The DL.
JF: I
played a great game of MVP Baseball as the Royals against the Cardinals
this weekend. Ken Harvey came in as a defensive replacement at
shortstop, I intentionally threw at every batter I faced late in the
game to get every one of my pitchers thrown out, then had to play four
extra innings with Shawn Camp as my only pitcher. I won 17-16 in
the 14th. This is the only thing I can think of to say about the
Royals.
PR:
Aww… now I wish I hadn’t sold my copy of MVP… Christ 2005? The one with
Pujols on the cover. Of course in that, my Yankees starting rotation
was a 6 man rotation of Mike Mussina, Javier Vazquez, Johan Santana,
Matt Morris, Jon Lieber and Jorge DePaula. Poor stupid AI Twins.
ED:
The Braves are officially eliminated from winning the NL East. Of
course, since everyone still gives them credit for winning the NL East
in ’94, odds are good someone will do some funny math to give the
Braves this division title too.
ED:
ROID NEWZ!!!! Mariners minor leaguer Welington Dotel is suspended
50 games for the sweet juice. Oh, and Barry Bonds ties the
all-time NL dong record. Oh, and Luis Gonzalez is bitter about
the D-Backs not wanting him back next year…of course, this is not a
roids related item at all.
JF:
Me : Wellington Dotel : : Bill : Mayo A Shattuck Three. I assume
he’s Octavio’s kid and Octavio is more of a history buff than we give
him credit for? Or more of a Michinoku Pro mark?
ED:
Mariners bench coach Ron Hassey jumps before he’s pushed out of
Seattle. Stupid wasted youth, where did you go?
ED:
And speaking of my youth being gone – the Yankees end their 28 year
relationship with the Columbus Clippers. And now I am faced with
the Clips being the possible farm team of the O’s, Mets or Nats.
Ugh. The year before Philip Hughes would get a call up to the
Clips. Double ugh. Thanks, baseball gods. You been
talking to the football gods?
JF:
JACKCUSTOMANIA!
PR: I
can’t wait for next year’s write up of Ed and his dad going to a game
where Ed’s dad doesn’t even realize that the Clippers aren’t affiliated
with the Yanks anymore.
NFL
ED:
INJURIES!!! Rams C Andy McCollum (done for the season with ACL
and MCL tears), Chiefs QB Trent Green (out indefinitely with a
scrambled brain), Jags DE Reggie Hayward (done for the season with a
ruptured Achilles), Panthers T Travelle Wharton (done for the year with
a wrecked knee), Texans CB Roc Alexander (done for the year with a
wrecked knee), Redskins S Pierson Prioleau (done for the year with a
wrecked knee), Panthers LB Dan Morgan (out for the week with a
concussion), Bills S Troy Vincent (done for the year with a bum hammy),
Falcons DE John Abraham (out for a week to get his groin right),
Raiders T Robert Gallery (out 2-3 weeks with a torn calf muscle – and
here I would think it would have been from whiplash), Chargers DE Igor
Olshansky (out a week with a bum knee)
JF:
“Robert Gallery was selected with the second overall pick in the 2004
NFL Draft by the Oakland Raiders, with a perfect 9.0 Draft Prospect
Rating, the highest for any offensive lineman. [1] In 2004, he started
15 games at right tackle. In 2005, he started all 16 games at right
tackle. The Raiders moved him to left tackle at the beginning of the
2006 preseason. In the Raiders' first game of the 2006 regular season,
Gallery was part of an offensive line that gave up nine sacks (at least
3 charged to him) to the San Diego Chargers. Gallery's career has been
less than stellar so far, and some already consider him to be a bust.
He has played no where near the caliber of a franchise left tackle.”
Yes,
I read “whiplash” as “wikipedia”.
ED:
PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Dolphins sign C Trey Darilek and waive C
Wade Smith. The Packers sign WR Koren Robinson. The Redskins sign
TE Todd Yoder and release RB Nehemiah Broughton. The Eagles sign
CB Dexter Wynn and release RB Bruce Perry. The Lions sign WR
Az-Zahir Hakim. The Chiefs sign WR/KR Rod Gardner. The
Saints sign RB Corey McIntyre. The Steelers sign RB Najeh
Davenport.
ED:
TRADES!!! The Pats trade WR Deion Branch to the Seahawks for a
2007 #1 pick. The Texans pick up RB Samkon Gado from the Packers
for RB Vernand Morency.
JF:
Deion Branch AND Samkon Gado in the same week?! Wow!
ED:
Speaking of the Deion Branch deal – the Pats file tampering charges
against the Jets for the Jets supposedly stinking up the entire Branch
trade-talk deal. If there is one thing the Jets are good at, it
is stinking things up.
ED:
A Chicago area furniture store gives away $300K of free furniture to
their customers for the Bears shut out of the Packers in week
one. No word on if Brett Favre’s doctor gave him free pain pills
for that performance as well.
ED:
TROUBLE LIST!!! Bengals WR Chris Henry pleads guilty to a
concealed weapon charge and gets probation. Jags CB Brian
Williams pleads no-contest to DUI charges and gets probation.
Chargers LB Steve Foley is now suspected of being in a roid rage when
San Diego police shot him. Lawrence Phillips’ attorney claims
that Phillips’ attempt to run over kids who beat him in a pick-up
basketball
game was an accident.
JF:
I’m glad I read that.
FINISHING
OFF WEEK ONE
ED:
The Vikings take the Redskins on a late field goal, 19-16. On the
bright side, I am certain Tom Cruise helped Daniel Snyder find his
clear after the game.
ED:
But hey, let’s just take a minute and revel is Ed’s football
misery…first the Raiders play like a JV girls team and get thrashed by
the Chargers, 27-0, Monday night. And in the process of QB Aaron
Brooks being thrown around like a rag doll, Raiders WR Jerry Porter
celebrates a sack of Brooks…or maybe he was merely not paying any
attention. Who can be sure? GRR. When does football
season end again?
JF: I
enjoy the Raiders totally sucking, but then I think of Ed and I feel
sad.
ED:
Aww, you are just saying that to keep me from taking you out when I
finally go on that shooting spree, aren’t you?
WEEK
TWO!!!
ED:
Buffalo kicks the crap out of Daunte Culpepper as they manhandle Miami,
16-6.
JF:
Yikes, when people throw around the words “quarterback controversy” and
your backup is Joey Harrington, you know you’ve got some work to
do. Incidentally, not only do I share a name with Joey, but we
also have the same haircut. I cannot play the smooth jazz piano
nearly as well, though.
ED:
Carolina chokes away a win against Minnesota, allowing the Vikings to
take them 16-13 in OT.
JF:
Yes, now that they have a nice, white veteran quarterback they go from
DEGENERATE BOAT SEXORS to SEXY SLEEPER SUPER BOWL PICK and my spirit
dies a little death.
ED:
Speaking of choking away a win, the Eagles stop playing after the first
half and allow the Giants to take them in OT, 30-24. Phil will
need a minute here.
JS:
I’m still trying to figure out why David Akers, of all people, started
a rumble on the Giants sideline.
PR:
And that he started it with Brandon Jacobs. Of course, Jacobs wears Ron
Dayne’s old number so I think Akers got confused. I mean I will easily
bet on Akers to win a fight over Ron Dayne.
ED:
Cincinnati wins the battle of Ohio, 34-17 over Cleveland. No
wonder everyone hates Ohio.
JF:
FREE DEREK ANDERSON. That’s all.
ED:
Chicago says WE ARE THE BEST HETEROS IN ALL THE LAND as they gay-bash
the Lions, 34-7.
JF:
The Lions define their heterosexuality by not liking poofters.
The Vikings just go out and have sex. Who is straighter?
I’m not sure, but I’m guessing the answer will just end up being “Frank
Stallone”.
ED:
Indianapolis’ JV team tops Houston’s sad excuse for a varsity team,
43-24.
JF:
They sure did.
ED:
Hey! Brett Favre didn’t completely suck. Of course, the
Packers still do. Saints 34, Packers 27.
ED:
Well…on the bright side, at least Aaron Brooks got hurt. AND I
GUARANTEE THE RAIDERS WON’T LOSE NEXT WEEK!!! GUARANTEE!!!
Ravens 28, Raiders 6.
JF: I
think Ed just predicted a 3-3 tie or something.
ED:
Yep. You have to think John Gruden is looking at starting
Flutie’s or Esiason’s kid over Simms’ kid at this point. Atlanta
17, Bucs 3.
JF:
Strange how Brian Greise seems so unnecessary, yet has a knack for
making you really, really miss him after he’s gone.
ED:
Seattle 21, Arizona 10. Poor little Cards feeling naked outside
of their PINK TACO!
JF:
That will never not be funny.
ED:
San Francisco wins the dullest sounding game of the week over the Rams,
20-13. So does this mean Hitler >>>>> Jesus?
JF:
Maybe we should ask Michael Kay? Or Julio Franco?
ED:
Oh! Wait. No, this is the dullest sounding game of the
week. God, remember when the AFC West was the wild west shoot ‘em
out division? Of course you don’t. Only I am older than
dirt. Denver 9, KC 6 in OT.
JF:
Pass.
ED:
New England bats around the Jets like a little play mouse, 24-17.
PR:
Well the Jets receivers basically single handled try to make this a
game. I enjoy that basically they could play Curtis Martin and still
get the same amount of production out of the running back position.
ED:
San Diego mauls the Titans, 40-7. Man, way to make Aaron Brooks
look like a good option, Collins.
Sunday
Night
ED:
Dallas handles Washington, 27-10. Poor little Daniel Snyder.
PR:
This warms my heart so.
CFL
WEEK
FOURTEEN!!!
ED:
JERMAINE COPELAND!!!! runs wild as Calgary mauls Winnipeg, 43-9.
Nice little Ti-Cats impersonation the Blue Bombers did there.
JS:
And the latest comical Hamilton score….Edmonton 22, Hamilton 27? What
th--?
PR:
Clearly the Eskimos bet against themselves.
JS:
B.C. 36, the increasingly pathetic Alouettes 20. The Canadian football
deity certainly hates me.
PR:
Aww… Montreal is like the early 90s Jets.
NCAA
ED:
OH MY GOD!!! REGGIE BUSH TOOK MONEY! HEY MAY LOSE HIS
HEISMAN AND USC COULD LOSE THEIR NATIONAL TITLE! OH MY GOD!
THERE ARE CHEATERS IN THE NCAA? WHO KNEW?
JF:
Yeah, there are plenty of cheaters. They are called MIKE BELOTTI
AND PHIL KNIGHT AND serenity now.
ED:
Allegedly Northern Colorado back up Punter Mitch Cozad may have stabbed
starting Punter Rafael Mendoza in his kicking leg. This is so
bizarrely pathetically amazing is so many possible ways.
JF:
It’s too bad Playmakers isn’t still around, I’d love to see what they
could do with this.
ED:
TROUBLE LIST!!! South Carolina football player Blake Mitchell is
busted for punching a bouncer – whom promptly dropped all charges
against Mitchell. Niagara University basketball players Charron
Fisher and Stanley Hodge are arrested for assault. Oklahoma State
basketball player Gary Flowers is suspended for violating team rules.
JF:
And apparently the Duquesne basketball team pissed off the wrong
people. Yikes.
JS:
Yeah, what was that? “You’re gonna throw that game against Dayton—or
there’ll be consequences. Understand?”
PR:
This never happened in the CAA that American was a part of. YOU’VE
CHANGED MAN!!!
JS:
WESTERN MICHIGAN over Virginia 17-10! It isn’t college football season
officially until the first MAC upset.
PR:
But it was over an Al Groh coached team. They might as well have beaten
an I-AA school.
SOCCER
JS:
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE GROUP PLAY! Let’s see here…I thought Bremen would do
better against Chelsea than a 2-0 loss. CSKA Moscow tied Porto. Glazer
United over Celtic 3-2. Lyon over Real Madrid 2-0—that’s pretty
upset-like. Steaua whooped up on Dynamo Kiev 4-1. PSV tied Liverpool.
There were other contests but this is what jumped out at me.
JF:
Since I hate, well, pretty much all the big clubs in Europe, my rooting
interest in Champions League is limited to the teams with the coolest
names. In the absence of an Artmedia or a Grasshoppers (and with
Shaktar getting WEISS’D by 4 goals before I even knew they existed…), I
guess I’ll have to go with Steaua Bucaresti. Though I would’ve
been all over Liepājas Metalurgs had they made it this far.
JS:
EPL! Hey—I check in on the standings and those goofs at Portsmouth are
in first place. Reading continues its decent start with 2-1 win over
Sheffield United. Arsenal over the Yankees of England and Chelsea over
Liverpool, both by the score of 1-0.
PR:
Why do you hate me Justin? Why?
JF:
And of course Spurs have four points from five games so far.
Thanks a lot, Simmons, ‘preciate it.
JS:
SPL! It’s Celtic 1 and Rangers 2 again—so bleh. Hearts beat Motherwell
1-0.
JS:
BUNDESLIGA! The Euroleague with an English webpage! Der lads from my
ancestral homeland of Stuttgart beat Bremen 3-2 so I am full of ethnic
pride today. Even if it’s scary German ethnic pride. Official WTW
2006-07 Bundesliga team ENERGIE COTTBUS! 2-0 over Mainz 05. (I hope I’m
allowed to make Official WTW designations.) Team Kasey Keller lost.
Pathetic Arminia Bielefeld gave Bayern Munich its first loss of the
season; Owen Hargreaves broke his leg as well. Take that, Oliver Kahn!
JF:
Energie Cottbus.
JS:
Echo! Or a Joe Friesen joke I am far too old to understand.
JS:
LIGUE 1! I won’t pretend I’m paying too much attention. Lyon won and
they’re on top so it’s status quo.
JS:
Someone else will have to handle Spain and Italy, if they wish.
PR:
And say what exactly – Barcelona and Real Madrid played some games.
Italians claimed to be robbed, took a dive and possibly threw
themselves out of buildings. There, that should hold us over until at
least Christmas.
PR:
So other random roundup things – Jens Lehmann may or may not have
punted a water bottle at ManU supporters. This would have clearly been
Tim Howard’s fault but since he is own loan to Everton this season,
police are baffled as to a motive. Argentina playmaker Juan Roman
Riquelme retired from international football – either for personal
reasons or he thinks more magical West Ham money is on its way. I have
spent far too long trying to guess who Rio Ferdinand thinks is racist.
And Shay Given… well let’s just say that why I am proud to be Irish and
love Shay Given, I am so thankful I am not him right now. Poor poor
bowel.
NBA
ED:
Toni Kukoc retires...or is going to retire. Whichever.
Well, at least he will always be the least ugly guy on those
championship Bulls teams.
JS:
Scottie and Michael rumored to unretire and then retire again to show
him up.
JF:
Why do you hate Luc Longley, Ed?
PR:
Hey – don’t give Justin anymore Aussie ideas for FPOTM.
ED:
Wizards G Gilbert Arenas won’t face trial for charges of interfering
with the police while teammate Awvee Storey was arrested over Memorial
Day. See, there is no penalty for team play, people!
ED:
HEY! Let’s just throw some random WNBA-NBA cross referenced stuff
- Women’s basketball legend Ann Myers becomes the GM of the WNBA’s
Phoenix Mercury and VP of the Phoenix Suns. Dave Cowens quits as
the head coach of the WNBA’s Chicago Sky and accepts an assistant
coaching gig with the Pistons.
PR: I
think I have mentioned a few times in this space that Ann Myers is just
as freakishly tall in person. And just as ugly.
NHL
ED:
Flyers C Keith Primeau retires due to having a scrambled brain.
Calls up Eric Lindros with the information. Phone call lasts 27
½ hours as neither can remember what they were talking about.
PR:
Brett Lindros would conference in but he can only mash the keypad so
well.
ED:
The NHL changed some rule regarding the curvature of sticks and
diving. I had no idea if that’s real or I stumbled across On The
DL for the hockey world.
JS:
Did we mention the Penguins finalized the deal with Evgeni Malkin?
Well, they did.
PR:
Buffalo continues to hate its fans by going ahead with the Golden
Shower Buffalo logo.
OTHER
ED:
That little league coach who paid one of his players to bean an
autistic player on his team so the autistic kid wouldn’t play is
convicted of corruption of minors and criminal solicitation to commit
simple assault. Of course, that guy is now going to be best
buddies with Dallas Green so it all works out in the end.
JS:
Michelle Wie misses yet another cut in a men’s tournament. Gawd no
matter how bad your life is, just remember that people didn’t consider
you a failure at the age of 16.
ED:
Speak for yourself, Justin. Stupid life.
ED:
I think Kevin Harvick won the Sylvania 300. But who can be sure?
PR:
If only I had uploaded the correct file last week.