The Week That Was 9/12/05 - 9/18/05

ED: Mmm, stretch drive collapses.

PR: Now, if I understand this correctly, because we are giddy about this, it makes us all gay. We will need a ruling from Ozzie.

PR: BTW, part of the reason this took so long was due to my incompetence, I ended up writing my stuff twice. The first go around, I fell asleep twice during. The second go around, I was pissed that I had left the file on my home computer and that I had to start over. So half is sleepy and unfunny. Half is angry and unfunny. And Bill may or may not be unemployed. OH! And I really really dislike Sportscenter.

MLB

ED: Former WS MVP Don Clendonon dead at 70. Former MLB umpire Charlie Williams dead at 61.

ED: Your weekly cripple list includes: no one of any importance. Move along. Nothing to see here.

PR: GET TO THE CHOPPER!!!!

ED: Of course, of the people of no importance getting hurt - Boston OF Gabe Kapler ruptures his Achilles running the bases on Tony Graffanino's HR and is done for the season. Mmm, juicy.

PR: Man, you must really hate Leo Mazzone to not even bring up Mike Hampton being done until 2007. I am assuming Hampton forgot to take his daily dosage of virgin blood or something and this is what happened. Don’t mess with MAZZONE’S MAGIC~!

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Marlins convince Utilicrud Mike Mordecai to come out of retirement and finish the season with the team. Luis Sojo hates himself for still being stuck carrying Derek Jeter's bags. The Red Sox release P Matt Perisho.

PR: The Marlins move almost seems like it was a ploy to make Jack McKenna look younger. Or perhaps it was an attempt it was an attempt to make Juan Pierre look even faster. “HE CAN BEAT MORDECAI BY 10 SECONDS!!!! DISTRUPTIVE SPEED!!!

ED: Giants OF Barry Bonds returns to the lineup and just misses a home run in his first at-bat back. Mmm, juiceless.

PR: Does Pedro Gomez cover the away games or would that be violating the terms of his work release which I am convinced he is on.

ED: COINTOSSES!!! The Indians win all three cointosses to determine where possible tie-breaking games for the AL Wild Card would take place. The Yankees win a cointoss with the Red Sox if a tie-breaking game for the AL East crown is needed. Stat geeks punch their calculators.

PR: Frank Robinson believes in coin flips as much as statistics. Hence why the Nationals were not involved.

ED: Mariners VETERAN PRESENCE!!! Dan Wilson announces his retirement. Pitchers throughout the majors shed a tear.

PR: He must GET TO THE CHOPPER!!!!

ED: Orioles OF Sammy Sosa is being sued by a law firm for $22K for their work in helping him out in tax disputes. Sosa elects to again not know how to speak English.

PR: LLEGUE AL HELICÓPTERO!!!!

ED: Devil Rays OF prospect Delmon Young is named Baseball America's Minor League Player of the Year. The Devil Rays refuse to call Young up to finish out the season with the big club. Young then blasts the Devil Rays for not calling him up.

PR: Is he blaming Tampa too for having to be related to Dmitri?

ED: Pirates…can o' gasoline Jose Mesa is removed from his closer role for…well, for being Jose Mesa. "They're taking the children away…"

PR: It is proven that he GOT TO THE CHOPPER!!!!

ED: White Sox P Damaso Marte is sent home for showing up late to a White Sox game Sunday. Marte then claims an injury that White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen mocks. See? There's smart ball for ya.

PR: Aww… I didn’t know the White Sox were going to show up again. Stupid using my gay joke already.

ED: Indians P Arthur Rhodes leaves the team for the rest of the season due to a family illness. Wait, is this supposed to hurt the Indians chances or not?

PR: Huh? Is Rhodes family sick of having him around?

ED: The Brewers(!) sign 16 year old Dominican P Rolando Pascual to a $710K contract and the Red Sox sign Cuban 1B Michel Abreu to a $450K contract. Man, Omar Minaya must've went Beane when he heard all this.

PR: They will all have to get rides to GET TO THE CHOPPER!!!!

ED: The Orioles sign Utilicrud Chris Gomez to a contract extension. Hehehehe.

PR: I wonder if the two headed GM front of the Os put in a no-trade clause just so they could avoid repeating their mistakes.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Dwight Gooden pleads not guilty to fleeing from police and reckless driving charges. Don't worry, Doc. Straw has your back. Former Brave Rick Camp sentenced to three-plus years for conspiring to steal money from a mental health agency. Indians P prospect Jason Stanford arrested for disorderly conduct.

ED: MLB and ESPN agree on a new TV deal to go through 2013. Yep, that contract extends well beyond John Kruk's life-expectancy.

PR: They can air footage of the CHOPPER!!!! Stupid Scott Van Pelt. Stupid 18 year old movie.

NFL

ED: Former Cowboy K Toni Fritsch dead of heart failure at 60.

ED: A coroner's report states the former Steelers OL Terry Long died from brain inflammation that resulted, in part, from the head injuries he suffered as a player. How Terry Bradshaw is still alive is beyond the coroner.

ED: INJURIES!!! Out for (at least) Week 2: Ravens QB Kyle Boller (toe), Chiefs T Willie Roaf (hamstring), Chiefs DT Ryan Sims (foot), Packers WR Javon Walker (out for the season with an ACL), Panthers DT Kris Jenkins (out for the season with an ACL), Bengals RB Kenny Watson (out for the season with a torn bicep), Cardinals RB James Hodgins (out for the season with an ACL), Colts CB Donald Strickland (hammy), Falcons CB Kevin Mathis (out for the season with an ACL), Cards LB James Darling (knee), Rams OT Rex Tucker (probably out a couple of weeks with a calf injury)

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Redskins sign K Nick Novak. The Cardinals sign TE Teyo Johnson and LB Lester Towns and release C Shawn Lynch. The Bears sign OT Tony St. Clair and release OT Marc Columbo. The Seahawks sign DE Rodney Bailey and release WR Jerheme Urban. The Bengals sign RB Nick Luchey. The Steelers sign QB Charlie Batch. The Ravens sign P Kordell Stewart.

ED: The Colts sign head coach Tony Dungy to a three-year contract extension. Whee! Three more years in which the Colts won't make the Super Bowl!

ED: The Saints will play 4 of their home games in Baton Rouge and 3 of them in San Antonio. Meanwhile the Saints home stadium, the Superdome, is being cleaned and decontaminated. Wow! That's gonna take a whole lot of Febreze to remove the Saints stench.

ED: Redskins QB Patrick Ramsey requests a trade after being benched in Washington's opening game against Chicago and losing his starting QB gig. Well, at least Jesus loves you, Patrick.

PR: I guess Ryan Church and the Nats chaplain love him too.

ED: Hall of Fame RB Larry Csonka is rescued from a stranded boat in the Bering Sea. I really hope Csonka had to go through Turbo to get to safety.

PR: Yeah – I don’t think anything is going to trump that. See ya next week.

ED: Rams executive Samir Suleiman faces discipline for leaving a nasty voice mail with a St. Louis Examiner reporter after stories were written about the infighting in the Rams organization. What? A Rams executive not understanding that voice mails are recorded? Mike Martz shakes his genius head.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Bucs CB Torrie Cox is arrested for DUI. Chiefs RB Larry Johnson is arrested for domestic abuse assault after throwing his girlfriend down in a nightclub when she caught him with another woman. Former Jets DT Joe Klecko accidentally hits and kills a man on the Major Deegan Expressway. Vikings DT Kevin Williams pleads not guilty to domestic assault charges. Vikings WR Koren Robinson gets community service for his DUI.

ED: FINES!!! Falcons DT Chad Lavalais is fined $7.5K for hitting Eagles QB Donovan McNabb helmet first. For those keeping score at home, that's a kick in the jimmy and a half. Eagles LB Jeremiah Trotter and Falcons DB's Kevin Mathis and DeAngelo Hall are fined $5K for fighting previous to their Monday night game. Yes, they would have all been better off kicking each other in the jimmy.

ED: Hey! THE NFL IS TOUGH ON STEROIDS!!! TOUGH!!! Bucs nobody Rick Razzano is suspended four games for 'roiding! Pshew! Good thing the NFL has taken out the league's only steroid user!

ED: The Eagles name Hugh Douglas as "team ambassador" for the 2005 season. Right. I assume the Eagles would like to make him their ambassador to, say, Afghanistan or something.

ED: To end Week One, the Falcons beat the Eagles, 14-10 on Monday Night. Falcons CB Kevin Mathis and Eagles LB Jeremiah Trotter are ejected before the game for fighting.

WEEK TWO!!!

ED: The pathetic Titans whip Baltimore, 25-10. Hmm, giving up 25 points to a team with no defense? Maybe that there Raven defense ain't too good. Except for Ray Lewis. He's the best. Please don't stab me, Ray.

ED: Chicago humiliates the Lions, 38-10. Oh yeah, Matt Millen's going to make the Lions come home in dresses after that, I'm sure.

ED: Daunte Culpepper continues to light up the world in life after Randy Moss...yet the Bengals still manage to kick the crap out of the Vinkings, 37-8. How can that be?

ED: The Eagles annihlate the 49ers, 42-3. So beating the Rams means nothing this year? OK. Gotcha. But the Football Prospectus guys still think Mike Martz is a good coach, right? Or will that get my throat slashed?

ED: Tampa Bay handles Buffalo, 19-3. So John Gruden is a genius again? Just checking. I need to stay current on my genius coach list.

ED: The Jags hold the Colts to 10 points...but still lose when all they can muster is a field goal. Oh that could not have been pretty.

ED: CAROLINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! forces Tom Brady to fumble! And it's not overturned into a tuck rule by the NFL's eagle-eye officials! As the PANTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! beat the Patriots, 27-17. Mmmmm, PANTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to need a cold shower now.

ED: Pittsburgh kills Houston, 27-7. Seriously, how does Dom Capers keep his job? Why does every expansion team hire him to lead their franchise to boredom? Why do I ask these questions even though I don't care?

ED: Los Warners get revenge on Mike Martz by...well, no. No, Kurt Warner sucks and the Cardinals lost to the Rams, 17-12. Man, when you live accoring to THE WAY and God still hates you, it's time to look at another religion.

ED: THE UNBEATABLE ATLANTA FALCONS...lose to the Seahawks, 21-18. So Jim Mora Jr. isn't a genius anymore?

ED: The Jets lull the Dolphins - and any poor sap stuck watching this crapfest - to slee, 17-7. NFL ACTION IS FANTASTIC!!! And I'm not just saying that because Paul Taglaibue is forcing me either! This leage is THRILL-A-MINUTE!!! YAY!!! Please release my family, Mr. Tagliabue.

ED: So God said, on the Seventh Day you shall rest. Then God said, hey! Let's have football on the 7th Day! So like, anyone without a criminal record shall rest! And everyone said, Yeah! God is Good! Then God gave us this Cleveland-Green Bay game and people were like, Hey! Let's check out Satanism! Oh yeah, the Browns won, 26-24. SATAN!!!

ED: This week, I was watching ESPN Classic and they ran commercials for - FEVER PITCH ON DVD! (For if you wanted to masturbate into a blood-soaked sock! Or if you want to date rape and convince the girl to still have an abortion. Or something. HEY! It features the unfunniest man alive, Jimmy Fallon! How can you go wrong? He's androgynous! Dreamily androgynous! CORKY ROMERO, PEOPLE! Oh, right. Wrong useless, unfunny SNL alum. Ehh. Whatever.) followed by a GENESIS BOX SET (and I'm talking Phil Collins-heavy Genesis, not that arty Peter Gabriel stuf that I'm certain some people can talk good about. Lot's and lots of dentist office music. Oh yeah. For if you were neutered or lobotomized or a soccer mom or something.) And I was thinking that there could not be a pairing of two different things that I could possibly care any less about. Then Marty Schottenheimer and Mike Shanahan met up in Denver this week. Now I am torn. Denver wins, 20-17.

ED: Yeah-yeah. Kansas City destroys Oakland. Football sucks.

CFL

ED: Calgary QB Henry Burris is out indefinitely after undergoing surgery to repair a ligament in his left hand. Burris still possibly the Bears best QB option.

ED: Hamilton Tiger-Cats chairman Bob Sauve resigns. As with everything Ti-Cats related, I blame Danny McManus.

WEEK THIRTEEN!!!

ED: Winnipeg mauls Ottawa, 37-21. Poor Beaver Fever.

ED: Calgary hammers Hamilton, 39-17. Crappy football. I can't wait for baseball season to start again.

ED: BC tops Montreal, 27-26. Mmm, gambling on the 2-point conversion.

ED: Saskatchewan blocks a last second field goal to hold off Edmonton, 37-36.

NCAA

ED: Ohio State TE Ryan Hamby states that he's received hate emails since dropping a TD pass against Texas last week. Oh, not from me, Ryan. I even included you in my QVC guy falling off a ladder email. I love you, Ryan. I do.

ED: UConn basketball player Marcus Williams is given probation and community service for stealing computers from the school. What exactly does community service entail in Connecticut? Would they actually allow a black man to work the road crews? Wouldn't that be dangerous in Connecticut where most citizens have never seen a black man in the flesh before?

ED: We are late with this but here ya go - Trev Alberts is fired for not showing up to work at ESPN as a college football analyst after tiring of being a second banana. One would think Alberts would be used to that by now, but…whatever.

NBA

ED: OFFICER Shaquille O'Neal assists Miami police in the arrest of a man who assaulted a gay couple. Todd Jones does not approve.

NHL

ED: Hey! Mark Messier retires. Crap! One of like the 5 hockey players I could name is gone.

OTHER

ED: We neglected to mention that Connecticut and Sacramento are in the WNBA Finals. Bill will come with the preview here shortly.

ED: Ryan Newman wins the Sylvania 300. 'Case ya cared for some odd reason.

ED: Oh, and Lance Armstrong will not be attempting a comeback…or is he. No he isn't. Wait! Yes he is. Only those with extensive knowledge of horrible light rock know for sure.

ED: Reason #3000 why golf isn't a sport: Golfer David Toms collapses from a heart condition while golfing.