The Week That Was
(9/18/06 - 9/24/06)
ED:  “Vacation/All I ever wanted/Vacation/Had to get away”

JS: What is this….vay kay shun of which you speak?

JF: This coming week will be special.  I will actually be watching sports somewhat regularly for the first time since I started this nonsense.  What are we, like a field & stream guide or something?

PR: Testing 1,2,3. Can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony, Would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me, Would I be in the clear?

ED:  The clear?  What’s the point ‘roiding for this, Phil?

MLB
ED:  Former front office…uhh…guy Syd Thrift dead at 77.  Oh man.  Something tells me there will suddenly be a rash of VETERAN PRESENCE CALL UPS to the big league upstairs now.  Which means we had better get hopping on the next dead pool.

PR: I work with someone who only hires fools to work underneath them to make themselves look like a superstar. I am now realizing that Pat Gillick worked this gimmick 10 years ago.

ED:  Andrew Jackson is back on Baseball Tonight and writing nonsensical columns.  I mean, WE LOVE PETER GAMMONS!  HE IS THE BEST!!!  Poor little ESPN guy who will have to clean up Gammons’ drool and Kruk’s sweat off the Baseball Tonight desk.

JF: Isn’t there that one Soundgarden song about successfully recovering from an aneurysm?  Bill?

PR: Aww… you act like Bill is old enough to know Soundgarden songs.

ED:  The Mets and Yankees clinch their respective divisions.  Yeah.  Exactly what the world wants.

JF: Mets fans hate the Yankees, Yankees fans hate the Mets.  I don’t think anyone wanted this.

PR: What I want is to be able to watch the Yankee playoff games announcerless. And then have the internet have some sort of universal parental control to prevent anyone from commenting on said games.

PR: Oh and the Tigers clinched the AL Central. Ed will tell you that they still won’t make the playoffs.

ED:  Well…at least I called the Blue Jays getting crippled properly.

ED:  ROSTER MOVES!!! The Braves activate 3B Chipper Jones from the DL.  The Yankees activate OF Gary Sheffield from the DL.  The Padres activate OF? Ryan Klesko from the DL.  The A’s activate P Rich Harden from the DL.

PR: Joe Torre clearly hates Craig Wilson. First Aaron Guiel became his favorite pasty guy with weird curly hair off the bench. Then Sheffield comes off the bench so he can play first instead of Wilson. Stupid Yankees.

ED:  DL LIST!!!  Cardinals PVC!!! Jason Isringhausen (done for the season to get hip surgery), Mariners P Jarrod Washburn (done for the season with a hole in his calf muscle), Reds P Eric Milton (elbow) and SCRAP!!! Ryan Freel (wrist) are also done for the season

PR: Nick Johnson has his leg explode. As I was telling Bill, I turned on the game and it took me less than 2 seconds to figure out that Nick was the person who was getting carted out. So I got amazingly bummed out and then wore my Nick jersey on Sunday because I suck and it also prevented me from peeing on my Giants jerseys.

ED:  Doug Mirabelli says that Doug Mirabelli never was a problem with his main man KT and never dissed the Padres while begging to go back to his boys in Beantown.  Yep.  When Doug Mirabelli is referring to himself in the third person, Rickey Henderson rolls in his grave.

JF:  What if I started referring to myself as “Doug Mirabelli”?  That’s, like, 39th person or something, right?

ED:  Can you catch a knuckler?  Doug Mirabelli can.

ED:  Sports Illustrated rolls out an article on Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez that may be the funniest thing ever written ever.  DON’T HATE HIM BECAUSE HE’S BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND RICH!!!

PR: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!!!! A-Rod is actually the guy who charts Cowboys games and thinks that Chris Simms’ spleen will go in the mid-first round? Oh man – that is the most amazing sock puppet ever.

ED:  I would refer you to ESPN INSIDER!!! but…ya know.

MM: My favorite part of the Sports Illustrated article was A-Rod having 1,987,256 retorts to any criticism of his own game, all referencing the mishaps of his teammates -- blown saves, Jeter's May slump. SI's Tom Verducci: "...your batting average is so Rich Gedman right now..." A-Rod: "Yeah, but Mo [Rivera] wore Scott Proctor's shower shoes last night and I always know which ones are mine!"

ED:  Pete Rose is now schilling baseballs signed with the inscription of “I’m sorry I bet on baseball.”  And don’t hate him because he’s beautiful and smart either.

JF:  But I do hate him for being biracial.  The dastard.

ED:  MYYYY BELOVED COLUMBUS CLIPPERS are now going to be the AAA team of…the Washington Nationals.  (Well, considering the options, this was the best-case scenario.)  The Mets are moving their AAA team to New Orleans.  The Yankees are moving their AAA team to Scranton.  The Orioles are moving their AAA team to Norfolk.  And the Phillies are moving their AAA team to Ottawa for a year before they move the team to Allentown.  Got that?  Good.  There will be a quiz on this next week.

PR: Are the Mets going to New Orleans because they figure the Latinos can handle the water? Hmm… if only I could call someone gay to offend the masses.

MM: Mets brass complain that NOLA playing in the PCL will be heck on Lastings Milledge, truckin' across country to catch a 1pm start after Endy Chavez's BA starts to include more than one zero.

ED:  The Tucson Sidewinders win the AAA Championship by beating the Toledo Mudhens in the BRICKTOWN SHOWDOWN, 5-2.  I am wondering if Marc got carried away in the Tucson victory parade which caused him not to know how to save a Word file.

MM: ROBBY HAMMOCK caught a PERFECT GAME AND NOW has a CHAMPIONSHIP RING. You drive and listen to sports talk shows in traffic.

JF:  So this pretty much makes it official:  we are writing exclusively for ourselves now.

PR: We have been writing for ourselves since Day 1.

ED:  Well, who else reads us?

ED:  Speaking of the minors – Royals Manager Buddy Bell takes an indefinite medical leave of absence to treat a growth located near his tonsils.  Oh come on, you know Runelvys Hernandez would eat that growth if Bell just asked him too.

JF:  I have no MVP Baseball stories to relate this week.  You’ve cleaned me out, guys.

ED:  The Giants celebrate the 50th year anniversary of Ozzie Virgil becoming the first Dominican in the majors.  I was all ready to make an inappropriate satellite dish installation joke then I realize I confused Ozzie Virgil Jr with Bo Diaz.

JF:  Of course.  It all makes sense now.

ED: ROID NEWZ!!!!  Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, you know, the reporters who broke the Barry Bonds used steroids story are facing 18 months of jail time for not revealing their sources for the leaked grand jury testimony they received.

PR: Jay Gibbons injuries his wife with a foul ball. He then accuses the Orioles for trying to murder little children. I feel bad for Gibbons. A) He is really going to have to work hard for the makeup sex. B) He has to be the player rep for the Os. Which means everyone laughs at him and he has to eat lunch with the Royals and D-Rays reps. And I just realized that there is an amazing piece of content sitting right there. But yeah – y’all know we aren’t going to look up all the reps.

ED:  Well, at least we will have something to pad the D-Rays, Royals or Orioles pieces in the preview now.

PR: Trevor Hoffman becomes the all-time save leader with 479 saves. Yes – we can all still laugh that the Reds let him go.

ED:  I personally cannot wait until he robs a jewelry store.  But that’s just me.

NFL
ED:  INJURIES!!!  Eagles DE Jevon Kearse (done for the season with a wrecked knee), Vikings DE Erasmus James (done for the season with a wrecked knee), Bengals LB David Pollack (done for the season with a broken neck), Texans T Charles Spencer (done for the season with a broken leg), Raiders QB? Aaron Brooks (out at least two weeks with a strained pec), Cowboys WR Terrell Owens (MAYBE out 1-4 weeks with a broken finger), Dolphins G Bennie Anderson (out for the season with a torn triceps), Browns CB Daylon McCutcheon (out for the season with a wrecked knee)

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Broncos sign WR/KR Quincy Morgan.  The Titans trade BITTER!!!  QB Billy Volek to the Chargers for either a 5th of 6th round draft pick.  The Falcons sign K Morten Andersen.

PR: Oh yeah… Morten Anderson. That’s the good stuff.

ED:  A deaf advocate is suing the Redskins for not close captioning their games at FedEx Field.  Aww, like a deaf Redskins fan hasn’t suffered enough.

JF:  The hell?  Are we all liable now if we talk with a deaf person without signing clearly?

ED:  I know only one sign.  It tends to work for everything, really.  And it would seem apt at a Redskins game.

FINISHING OFF WEEK TWO

ED:  The Jags out-dull the Steelers, 9-0.  I am certain the Steelers not scoring had something to do with all those EXPERT!!! sponge baths Ben Roethlisberger received while ill.

JF: Oh LORD.  I did NOT read that as “sponge”. EWW.

JS: Blatantly stolen from Sportsfrog: Joey Porter’s pit bulls killed his neighbor’s 29-inch miniature horse. I don’t have a joke.

MM: According to SI, Joey got so mad about being pulled over by white cops on his wedding day he got hammered before finally making it to the ceremony. Only a 245 lb. NFL linebacker can turn plain clothes cold feed into racial divisions in America.

WEEK THREE!!!

PR: The Panthers BEAT THE SPLEEN out of Chris Simms and the Bucs. Keyshawn scores 2 TDs will sitting on my fantasy bench. Nope, no bitterness at all.

ED:  I will gladly put money on the disembodied spleen of Chris Simms being better than the rest of Chris Simms.

PR: Chicago goes to 3-0 by beating the Minnesota Vikings. Many will tell you that the BEARS ARE SUPER BOWL BOUND!!!! I will say that they have played nothing but NFC North teams so they are really like ½ - 0.

PR: In Ed’s personal hell bowl - Cincinnati wins 28-20 at Pittsburgh.

ED:  Yeah.  Slept right through that.

PR: Brett Favre throws his 400th career TD in victory over the Lions. CLEARLY THIS PROVES HE SHOULDN’T RETIRE!!!! WHO ARE YOU TO DOUBT THE 70 YARD CATCH AND RUN?!?!?!?!

MM: When Brett Favre himself goes into epileptic fits of ecstacy over a touchdown pass, you know its time for Aaron Rodgers to show all college system quarterback in Lambeau.

PR: Indy wins 21-14 over Jacksonville. The Colts only had 9 offensive plays in the first half. Geez – how they heck could they win? Oh right – Jack Del Rio and Mike Tice were on the opposing sideline.

PR: The apparently good New York team wins its second game over possibly the second best New York team. Nope, not bitter at all.

ED:  I will admit that it sadly took me 5 minutes to realize that the Bills were in New York.

PR: Miami 13, Tennessee 10. NFL Fans – losers.

ED:  Well, at least they didn’t get an Oakland game.

PR: Washington beats Houston. I am doing a separate write up of that game. That’s how deep into my depression spiral I truly am.

PR: Baltimore sneaks by Cleveland. Ray Lewis says he calls Matt Stover “Automatic”. Shocker, Ray Lewis uses a nickname that can be applied to a gun.

ED:  Yeah, I enjoyed the patented Browns choke job in this game far more than I should.  Relax, Browns fans, you get Oakland next week.

PR: I am not aware of the Giants playing a game this week.

ED:  The Giants seemingly weren’t aware of this either.

MM: Americanmediaperson Joe shoots straight venomous vengence on Jeremy Shockey for saying the Giants got "outcoached" vs. Seattle. First, what did Shockey ever do to earn comparison to TOs and AIs? Nabbing random socialites that Peter King and Dick Vitale would castrate themselves for and plowing over people in opposite colored jerseys for the sake of the Athletic White Athlete are GOOD things. Second, there is no sign he was wrong. Seahawk receivers couldn't have been more open, and Warden Coughlin himself basically admitted as much last Monday.   

PR: Poor poor Niners. They lose to the Eagles and Vernon Davis breaks his leg. I wonder if Under Armour makes casts.

PR: If Marc is around, I will let him describe what it must have been like to watching the Rams/Cards since he had to be the only person who cared.

MM: Your wife incredulously invited her intolerable sister-in-law for the WHOLE summer, but she showed up bikini-bound at your beach house fifty pounds lighter with implants not minding if you peek. One day in the third week of the vacation you've been waiting 18 years for, she inexplicably SLAMMED A HAMMER INTO YOUR TESTICLES.

ED:  PINK TACO!!!  There, it has been mentioned now we can move along.

Sunday Night

PR: GENIUS CONTRA GENIUS. GENIUS wins 17-7.

ED:  Yeah, watching Joe Morgan fellate Roger Clemens and Tony LaRussa was far more palatable.

CFL
WEEK FIFTEEN!!!

JS: HAMILTON WIN STREAK! Ti-Cats 20, Eskimos 18!

PR: Ed will need a moment.

ED:  Ahh, yeah.  That’s the good stuff.  I am certain the Ti-Cats would be a 15 point favorite over the Raiders at this point.

JS: Toronto 18, Calgary 39. Stamps clinch playoff berth and SOMEHOW! contain the returning Ricky Williams.

ED:  I hear Roger Waters is touring.  My guess is that Ricky had Dark Side of the Moon queued up while the game was on.

JS: Montreal 14, Winnipeg 17. We’re going to have to start making Als jokes like we used to make Hamilton jokes.

ED:  JUSTICE!!!

PR: Saskatchewan wins at home over BC in overtime as the two teams rumbled before kickoff.

NCAA
ED:  Former Michigan State football coach Frank "Muddy" Waters dead at 83.

ED:  Duquesne’s basketball team?  Yeah.  They’re still going to have a hard time holding in their water this season.

JS: I love that joke! “Nyaaah, you missed me!” And then they take a drink…..

ED:  USC is upset that ABC commentator Brent Musburger gave away QB John David Booty audible sign and files a formal complaint about such.  BAH!  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BRENT ONLY HATES OHIO STATE!!!!

JF: Well…

MM: Add Mario Manningham to the list of Manning's I'm related to. And people Notre Dame can't defend. I'm hopeful to see Manning complete a pass to Manningham who was covered by Manning Jr in '07.

ED:  Those officials from the Oregon-Oklahoma fiasco?  Yeah.  They’re getting some time off.

JF:  See… you’d think so, wouldn’t you?  But, yeah, the PAC-10 didn’t have enough officials, so the suspended refs ended up working this weekend anyway.  What, me worry?

PR: HA! I always love finding about sports by reading about them here. Sweet sweet stupid PAC-10.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  UConn football player Marvin Taylor is suspended for illegally using a credit card.  Florida football player Marcus Thomas is suspended for violating the team’s substance abuse policy.

JS: RUTGERS! 4-0! Somehow they can play Howard and have it count. And they’re ranked 23 in both polls the same week Penn State drops out. I don’t think that’s happened since the 1890s.

JS: Temple 7, Western Michigan 41. And they’re rioting in Kalamazoo! Poor stupid Temple—they’re probably the only I-A team that can get annihilated by Louisville and Western Michigan. Well, them and North Carolina.

PR: Aww… DUKE DEMANDS RESPECT!!!! OR AT LEAST UNSUSPECTING GIRLS THAT THEY CAN PREY UPON!!!

SOCCER
JS: EPL! Reading tied Manchester United 1-1. Hee hee. Which means Portsmouth is tied with Team Glazer for second, with—of course—Chelsea in first. Wigan tied Watford.

JS: BUNDESLIGA! A great week for me, as both team of my DNA Stuttgart and team of my heart Energie Cottbus were live on my teevee. The former tied Frankfurt and the latter tied Nurnberg, both 1-1. Aachen took the early lead on Bayern Munich but gave out in the end 2-1. Team Keller were winners over Dortmund 1-0. Five 1-1 ties this week in all. PARITY!

JS: SPL! Plus Setanta gave me live Hearts this week! And they crushed Aberdeen 3-0! They trail first place Celtic by three points (who beat Rangers 2-0 in another boring stupid crappy Old Firm match.) In other news: the Scottish Football League wants to stop the SPL from starting that SPL2 thing they mentioned a month or so ago. No—I have no idea what’s going on other than that.

PR: Aww… they can’t round up enough guys to form a second league.

JS: LIGUE 1! Lyon smooshed Lille 4-1! Two goals from Fred! Undefeated! And I can just do variations on this until December probably.

JS As for the rest of Europe….I’m going to follow Phil’s lead and not feel a twinge of guilt for not following major soccer leagues I have only a minimal interest in. If they Italians can’t even muster up enough enthusiasm to fill up their own stadiums I don’t see why I have to—irregardless of the Italian league’s status as second or third best league in the world. Yes! Irregardless!

JF:  I would punch you so bad.

PR: DC United honored the 10 year anniversary of the 1996 championship team. This should have made me happy but is just made me depressed. Stupid impending death.

NBA
ED:  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission finds that there is probable cause to believe that there was a hostile work environment in the Knicks front office as part of their findings in the Isiah Thomas sexual harassment case.  Ooooo.  To prove this, maybe they should send Bill Simmons in as a spy!

PR: Yay! This makes me so happy. I mean I feel horrible for the woman but if it brings down the Knicks from the inside then she needs to be nominated for sainthood or something.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Portland F Zach Randolph won’t face sexual assault charges…despite the ugliest testimony this side of the Kobe Bryant case.  Former Philadelphia and Cleveland F Lee Nailon is fined $300 and gets community service for allegedly elbowing his wife in the face.

PR: Yup – apparently hitting your wife is less offensive than punching someone in the jimmy. Got it.

JF:  The NBA section has become All-Blazers-And-Knicks-All-The-Time.  And I’m… yeah, I’m OK with that.

NHL
ED:  Tie Domi retires.  Ordinarily, we would make some snarky comment about this.  But we are afraid of him punching us in the face.

PR: Blah Blah Blah. Stupid impending death.

OTHER
ED:  Tiger Woods is upset about Irish newspaper and magazines writing stories about his wife’s photos are being used to promote porn sites.

Ed: I still don't even understand the story
Phil: basically one of them foreign country newspapers took her old modeling photos and posted them
Phil: then said she did porn
Phil: and posted of some random woman nude and claimed it was her
Phil: at least that is what I gather from it
Phil: I am memorized by the photo of her and her twin sister
Phil: stupid lucky Tiger Woods
Ed: I am memorized indeed
Phil: aww... stupid fingers
Ed: hehehehe
Ed: well at least that provides the joke for the WTW
Phil: Here - put this in so at least we have a frame of reference
Phil: http://www.littletigersworld.com/images/Elin_Nordegren_and_Josefin.jpg
Ed: hah
Ed: aww, no one has ever choked to our site before
Ed: I hope
Phil: aww.. you act like there aren’t Bonnie and Summer and Suzy fanboys far worse than us
Ed: of course
Ed: but they never came to...err
Ed: they never went to VP.com for that
Phil: hehehehe
Ed: yeah, that pretty much covers that piece...uncomfortably

JS: Oh, and we lost the Ryder Cup again. And the Davis Cup too. Poor poor Americans abroad.

JS: FIBA WOMEN’S WORLDS! Hey—our women stink too! Or stink by American standards as we beat Brazil for the bronze. This is what happens when you lose Dawn Staley. Australia beat Russia for the gold.

JS: Speaking of the land of Lauren Jackson--AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS! It was Swans over Fremantle and West Coast Eagles over Adelaide to set up the Grand Final Saturday. Or late Friday night for us Setanta people. HA!

PR: Jeff Burton wins one of those NASCAR Chase For The Cup dealies. Only 8 more weeks to go.

ED: And only 9 more weeks until NASCAR starts again.