The Week That Was 9/19/05 - 9/25/05

MULTIPLE CHOICE!!! Scantron sheets $4. Remember: only use #2 pencils to mark your sheets.

MLB

1) Reports out of Tampa Bay indicate that Devil Rays manager Lou Piniella will not return for the 2006 season. Likely places where Piniella will end up next year:

a) Yankees

b) Orioles

c) Marlins

d) In a rehab facility

2) Your weekly cripple list includes: Orioles 2B Brian Roberts (done for at least 6 months after ripping up his arm. Hmm.), Braves P Mike Hampton (done through 2006 to get Tommy John surgery), Ken Griffey Jr. (done for the year from more leg surgery), Red Sox P Keith Foulke (likely done for the season with a bad knee). Reasons all of them are injured:

a) Steroids and pacts with the devil

b) "Poor conditioning"

c) The fabulous Denver school system

d) Over the course of a season and a career, players will naturally incur a number of injuries, none of which are unusual.

3) Because Congress has nothing else to do, they are going hot and heavy over Rafael Palmeiro's testimony in April. Oh wait! Raffy news gets better! Palmeiro claims that he MUST have got his positive test from "B-12" injections he received from teammate Miguel Tejada. MLB states that they've tested Tejada's "B-12" injections and they are steroid-free. The O's then tell Palmeiro to go away and never return. What would most of America, if asked, think B-12 was?

a) A wonderful new boy band started by Lou Pearlman

b) A wonderful new hiphop group given cred and usually fronted by Eminem

c) A wonderful new way to refer to punk rockers Blink 182

d) A weak excuse

3) The Washington Nationals suspend their chapel leader after nodding yes to Ryan Church's question of whether Jews are doomed since they do not believe in Jesus. Carl Everret immediately demands a trade to Washington. Likely places that chapel leader will end up:

a) Cincinnati

b) "Hymie Town"

c) St. Louis

d) Hell

4) Indians P Jason Stanford has a warrant issued for him after missing a court date on a disorderly conduct charge. Reasons I included this:

a) In the hope that you will confuse him with the Indians pitcher who got shot while

dressing up as a go-go dancer

b) To fill space

c) To make Ozzie Guillen's head explode

d) To fill space

5) Ellis Burks is hired as a special assistant by the Cleveland Indians. In his role with the Indians, Burks will be responsible for:

a) Spring training speed boat driving

b) Scaring the young guys with the cracking of his knees

c) Scaring visiting Boston sportswriters with his blackness

d) Teaching young black players that if you keep quiet, you will be described as "classy" in every article written about you after the age of 30

NFL

INJURIES!!! Out for (at least) Week 3: Raiders WR Donald Curry (out for the year with an Achilles), Texans DE Gary Walker (out indefinitely with a separated shoulder), Saints Beer Delivery Guy Michael Lewis (out for the season with a wrecked knee), Seahawks WR Alex Bannister (out at least 8 weeks with a broken collarbone), Vikings WR Nate Burleson (out this week with a bum knee), Lions CB Fernando Bryant (possibly out for the season with a dislocated collarbone), Jags S Donovan Darius (done for the year with an ACL), Chargers G Toniu Fonoti (broken hand), 49ers TE Eric Johnson (done for the season with a torn muscle in his foot), Cardinals TE John Bronson (out for the season with a bum knee)

1) The funniest part of all this is:

a) Nate Burleson’s injury obviously being caused because Randy Moss is no longer on the Vikings

b) Donovan Darius will have plenty of time to sulk about his contract and still being on the Jags

c) Ronald Curry crippling himself again

d) Ed calling Ronald Curry Donald

PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Falcons sign CB Chris Cash and release RB DeAndra Cobb, the 49ers release S Dwaine Carpenter and sign T Anthony Clement, the Eagles sign K Todd France, the Seahawks sign CB/KR Jimmy Williams, the Broncos sign RB Quentin Griffin, the Browns release QB Doug Johnson, the Saints sign WR/KR Nate Poole

1a) Player of that group most likely to be a porn star or wrestler or a woman

a) Quentin Griffin

b) DeAndra Cobb

c) Chris Cash

d) $hris $ash… aww… maybe not

2) The Vikings are going to get a retractable roof stadium. Chances of this getting the Vikings to the Super Bowl:

a) Zip

b) None

c) Doesn't matter, Mike Tice can still get you some sweet tickets

c) Doesn't matter, it's not like the Vikings are ever going to win a Super Bowl

3) The NFL's celebrity telethon for Hurricane Katrina victims raises $5 million. Reasons why Lawrence Taylor wasn't one of the celebrities answering calls:

a) Busy preparing for his run for President

b) In a hotel room smoking crack with the hookers he had hooked the Saints up with

c) Already loaded and weaving all over the Garden State Parkway looking for his exit

d) Busy promoting NFL Blitz

4) Not happy about the Hurricane telethon or playing a home game in New York are the New Orleans Saints. Reasons the Saints were so unhappy:

a) After seeing the disaster area of New Orleans, realized that New Jersey is even worse

b) In-flight movie was Waterworld

c) Hookers Lawrence Taylor scored for them were shemales

d) Realized Jason Sehorn was no longer a Giant

5) The South Carolina doctor accused of juicing up the Carolina Panthers is indicted on steroid charges. List of excuses the doctor is giving:

a) Since Todd Sauerbrun acts like a professional wrestler, the doctor thought he was giving a script to a professional wrestler and everyone knows that giving steroids to professional wrestlers is completely legal

b) It's all an evil plot by the Gramatica family

c) Writing roid scripts broke the monotony of writing all those Oxycontin scripts

d) Trying to create a border war with North Carolina

6) Chief RB Larry Johnson's domestic assault case is postponed until the end of November. Reasons for the trial's delay:

a) Tearful pleas by Dick Vermeil

b) Judge thinks she was asking for it

c) KC Lawyers still tied up dealing with Derrick Thomas' mom

d) Need to make sure Randy McMichael is available to act as a character witness

7) Chiefs DT Junior Siavii is being sued by a Minnesota hotel security guard, alleging that Siavii assaulted him in a late-night drunken rampage. Real reason's the security guard is suing Siavii:

a) Siavii offered the guard Chiefs tickets to settle

b) Guard wants right to "X-Factor" nickname now that Dante Hall isn't using it

c) Siavii stole vowels from guard's last name

d) Tearful pleas by Dick Vermeil

8) FINES!!! The league fines Denver coach Mike Shanahan $20K for criticizing referees and Jaguars QB Byron Lefwich $5K for making obscene gestures. The money collected in these fines will go towards:

a) To renew MENSA memberships for all head coaches

b) Bitches and Ho's for Paul Tagliabue

c) Getting Suzy Kolber to talk less and show more

d) More face time for Tom Brady since he clearly isn't getting enough

9) Before the Jets-Dolphins game, Jets WR Laveranues Coles reveals he was sexually abused by his step-father as a child. Reasons why Coles revealed this:

a) Wanted to spread the word to make other sexually abused kids feel better about themselves and get the story out that this is a problem

b) To make sure he'll never become a Lion

c) To give Junior Seau something to give a speech about in the offseason

d) Thought Randy McMichael needed a new bitch to beat around

10) Reports indicate that Titans RB Travis Henry will be suspended 4 games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Henry's reaction?

a) "C'mon. It's not like I wouldn't have been out hurt for 4 games anyway."

b) "Say hello to my little friends!"

c) "Wait! I'm going to miss 4 games? Am I hurt already?"

d) "Whoa! When did I get traded from Buffalo?"

CFL

1) Hamilton released QB Khari Jones after signing QB Kevin Eakin. God, why are all of my football teams stupid?

a) Ed is a moron

b) Ed loves pain

c) God is cruel

d) It is apt

2) Toronto Argonauts return specialist Bashir Levingston was suspended one game for throwing his helmet into the crowd after a lose to the Tiger-Cats. Reason for the suspension?

a) Hair is not as pretty as Kyle Turley’s

b) Not as crazy as Ron Artest

c) Not as redneckish as Robby Gordon

d) Helmet hit striking announcer

NCAA

1) The NCAA is extending its ban on mascots for schools that are "hostile" or "abusive" towards Native Americans to football bowl games beginning in 2007. Ways the NCAA will determine if a school's treatment of its Native American mascot is "hostile" or "abusive":

a) Mascot attends class

b) Mascot is forced to keep a passing GPA

c) Mascot is seen passed out on the sideline with an empty bottle of booze in his hand

d) Mascot vanishes and is quietly replaced after questioning why it isn't getting paid

2) The Tennessee-LSU football game scheduled for Saturday is rescheduled for Monday due to the threat of Hurricane Rita. Tennessee claims that it was ready to forfeit the game if the game was not rescheduled. Reasons why Tennessee would have forfeited the game:

a) Swimming involves moving the arms and the legs. Tennessee players infamous for not being able to operate more than two limbs at once

b) Tennessee supporters were stumped on the spelling of LSU and needed a couple more days to figure it out

c) Most of Tennessee athletic department at local jail trying to convince the sheriff to bail out Heath Shuler for selling "waterfront property"

d) Tennessee heard about Hurricanes, got confused, thought they were playing Miami and needed more time to recruit more players out of the penal system

SOCCER

1) Espanyol’s Sergio Sanchez was slapped by Real Madrid’s David Beckham during a game between the two clubs. If true, this means that Sanchez is?

a) a woman

b) has a vagina

c) Both A and B

d) not very good in CM

2) Bulgarian national soccer team coach Hristo Stoitchkov was banned from the bench for his team's next four games for making "defamatory remarks" after his team's World Cup qualifying match against Sweden.. During the time off, Stoitchkov will?

a) Converse with anyone whose last name ends in V

b) make a “recruiting” trip to American University

c) gets plastered, wanders down the street randomly shouting “I WAS EUROPEAN PLAYER OF THE YEAR!!!!”

d) finally updates his official website - http://www.cmgworldwide.com/sports/stoitchkov/

NBA

1) The New Orleans Hornets will move 35 of their homes games to Oklahoma City, 6 to Baton Rouge. First time a sportswriter will slip and make bomb references to a Hornets loss in OKC:

a) Yesterday

b) Tomorrow

c) First half of Game 1

d) Second half of Game 1

2) Pacers Ron Artest, Jermaine O'Neal and Stephen Jackson get a year of probation and community service after pleading no contest to misdemeanor assault charges stemming from that there brawl in Detroit last November. Likely community service roles the three will get:

a) Forced into the Washington Generals role against a rural Indiana high school while the state tries to believe Hoosiers could happen again

b) Forced to go out into rural areas of Indiana and Michigan to show citizens what a black person looks like in the flesh

c) Forced to pin back Reggie Miller's ears for a year

d) Cleaning up trash on 8 Mile

NHL

1) Hockey?

a) What?

b) Huh?

c) Come again?

d) Did that come back?

2) New York Rangers goaltender Dan Blackburn retired due to permanent nerve damage due to a 2003 injury. The first person the Rangers called after hearing the news was?

a) Mike Richter

b) John Vanbiesbrouck

c) Glenn Healy

d) John Davidson

OTHER

1) The Sacramento Monarchs are YOUR WNBA Champions. Programming Lifetime will put in place of the WNBA:

a) Endless Judith Light movies - likely to get higher ratings than the WNBA

b) Test patterns - likely to get higher ratings than the WNBA

c) Butch Like Me - a sitcom created for Lifetime to keep the 3 regular WNBA viewers tuned in to the network

d) WUSA Games… Oh! Wait!

2) The AFL's Orlando Predators head coach Jay Gruden is busted for DUI. That's right. The man who replaced a coach who died in a DUI accident, getting a DUI. Is this:

a) Stupid

b) Ironic

c) GRITTY!!!

d) Leonard Little-esque

3) Jimmy Johnson wins the MBNA RacePoints 400. The person saddest about this?

a) Little E

b) Jeff Gordon

c) Jerry Jones

d) Dave Campo

4) Americans beat the Internationals to claim the President’s Cup. No one cares because?

a) Tiger Woods sure has some goofy hair now

b) Michelle Wie is turning pro. Check back in two years for an inappropriate booby joke

c) Hey, David Duval made a cut… and didn’t get dizzy. That doesn’t happen that often.

d) It’s golf