The Week That Was
(9/25/06 - 10/1/06)
ED:  It seems to me that you lived your life like a candle in the wind, TO.

BB: At this point, it wouldn't seem that surprising if TO were a reader. Of course, I'm not so sure that it wouldn't be more surprising that we have an actual reader to begin with.

PR: If only we allowed the sharing of INSIDER~! accounts.

MLB
ED:  Cleaning up the playoff picture – The A’s clinch the AL West (sorry ‘bout picking the Angels to win the WS, Halo Fans).  Detroit and Minnesota clinch playoff spots in the AL.  Everything else will be decided long after I send this out.

PR: The Yanks clinch home field in the AL which means… well that I will probably be sad all the same. Sigh….

ED:  Cleaning this up further – The Dodger win the NL Wild Card, the Padres win the NL West, the Cardinals win the NL Central.  The Twins win the AL Central.  The Tigers win the AL Wild Card.  Your playoff pairings –

AL
-    Yankees v. Tigers
-    A’s v. Twins
NL
-    Mets v. Dodgers
-    Padres v. Cardinals

MM: Can we use the words "win the AL Central" and "Cardinals" in the same sentence? TO AND Joe Buck are readers?

BB: Hey, it could be worse. Your team could be starting Julian Tavarez every fifth day. Oh, and Curt Schilling could be teasing me with retirement. And yet somehow Keith Foulke throws out retirement rumors and there are idiots who are hoping he gets booted back to Canada. God I hate Red Sox fans.

ED:  Speaking of playoff messes – Mets P Pedro Martinez will not pitch for the Mets in the playoffs after tearing a tendon in his calf.  Hey, relax Mets fans, you still have LIMA TIME!!!

BB: Which burns in more ways than one.

PR: Hey – maybe Red Sox fans still think that the club should have given Pedro a long term deal. Of course – Randy Johnson had to have an epidural which proves that not only does he have a dead arm but he has a vagina.

BB: Like that way, for example.

MM: According to Steinbrenner's policy, Big Unit can only go landing strip, Hitler's 'stache, or Brazilian.

ED:  Twins C Joe Mauer wins the AL batting title becoming the first AL catcher EVER to win the batting title and the first catcher to win the battle title in over 60 years.  I think it’s just best to quote Bill – “Joe Mauer is REALLY REALLY REALLY good. Like too good for Minnesota good.”

MM: Bobby Bowden is still holding a scholarship for Mauer and would start him tomorrow.

ED:  ROSTER MOVES!!! The Reds give SS Juan Castro a 2 year $2 million contract extension. (HEHEHEHEHE), Angels DH Tim Salmon retires, the Mets activate C Ramon Castro from the DL and DFA C Kelly Stinnett.

BB: I cannot possibly fathom the justification for the Juan Castro extension beyond the fact that it is Wayne Krivsky and he is the white Expos-era Omar Minaya.

ED:  BAH!  You fail to understand, Bill.  Castro then could be moved for MIDDLE RELIEVERS!!!

ED:  A train carrying the Washington Nationals derails on its way from New York to DC.  Phil and I are amused at the various ways Nick Johnson could have gotten hurt in this if only he hadn’t already been crippled.

PR: My first thought was that Jon Rauch would have fallen on top of him. Poor poor fatty.

BB: Aww…Phil makes fun of one of the .08% of people in the world actually taller than him.

ED:  Managerial stuff - The Marlins are apparently going to fire Manager Joe Girardi.  The Nats will not bring back Manager Frank Robinson.  But hey, the Mariners are bringing back all their managerial types!  That’s right, kids.  Incompetence wins again!

PR: Dusty Baker is resigned to not being brought back by the Cubs. Which means that the Nationals will probably hire him. I am depressed that I am leaving the area because the show is going to be far too great to miss.

ED:  You can probably add Felipe Alou out as Giants Manager too.

MM: Yep, walking papers for Felipe as of Monday night. His quote? "...I'll always be a Giant..."

ED:  And speaking of guys who are out – Cubs CEO Andy MacPhail resigns to lead the way for the house cleaning in store in Chicago.

ED:  The Red Sox officially name their right field foul pole as “Pesky’s Pole.”  And here I thought that was just Chris Berman’s come on line when he was in Boston.

PR: QUICK! Someone make up a story and send it to deadspin, bump up the hits.

BB: Maybe we could get Suzy Kolber to dance on it with some other girls because she's a lesbian! OK, if we can't get hits out of "Suzy Kolber" and "vagina" and then "lesbian", we don't deserve to get any.

PR: Aww… Bill knows I am lonely and depressed so he busted out Suzy on a poll just for me. I am touched.

ED:  The bronze bust of George Brett is stolen from the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame.  I would ask that someone check Bill James’ attic…but I really don’t wish that task upon anyone.  Of course, maybe it’s just hidden somewhere in the stack of Jethro Tull vinyl or something.

PR: I am guessing it’s covered under a 1000 lbs of pine tar. Grr... Nope still not bitter. Nope not at all.

ED:  Well, if James has the bust I assume it may be covered in some sort of viscous fluid, but I doubt said fluid is pine tar.  Regardless, said bust was found along the roadside in some Missouri nowhere town.

BB: I always thought the entire state of Missouri was a ditch. I am confused as to how and where they developed sub-ditches.  

ED:  The Veteran’s Committee ballot for the Baseball Hall of Fame is announced.  Twenty-seven names are on the ballot for the next vote, featuring Tony Oliva, Jim Kaat and Ron Santo.  Phil’s sister hassling the Vet’s Committee about Thurman Munson probably didn’t help his chances any.

BB: I think that might be a SHUT UP BEFORE I JUMP ON YOU!!! situation.

ED:  Former Tigers OF Dmitri Young gets one year probation for assaulting his ex-girlfriend.  See, if he had just smacked her in the chest with his bat…well, maybe he di…never mind.

BB: OF? Come on Ed.

ED:  So much for me being nice.

ED:  ROID NEWZ!!!  Jason Grimsley is naming names and the names he named are not particularly happy.  Grimsely accuses Astros P’s Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens of using performance enhancers and Orioles SS Miguel Tejada, 2B Brian Roberts and WIFE INJURER! Jay Gibbons of ‘roiding.

NFL
ED:  Cowboys WR Terrell Owens is rushed to a Texas hospital after either overdosing on pain meds as a suicide attempt or having a bad reaction from pain meds mixed with nutritional supplements.  Yeah, we’ll go with that latter excuse.  But you know, TO, when you tell us your black eye was from opening a door on yourself, people are really going to know it was Skeletor all along.

PR: Michael Irvin talking about where he used to keep his supplements is the highlight of all of this.

BB: Rippa spelling that fella's last name as "Irving" was the highlight for me. I wondered whether he would be John Irving's brother from another mother and for a moment, everything in my life felt right.

ED:  Giants TE Jeremy Shockey blasts Giants head coach Tom Couglin after the Giants debacle in Seattle, claiming that the Giants were outcoached.  Yeah, Shockey is not going to get that Promise Keepers invite this year.

MM: Awwww, we don't read our own back issues...

PR: I am intrigued by Shockey's ideas and I would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

ED:  Bah!  You subscribe only to Bob Whitfield’s newsletter and you know it.

BB: Does Bob Whitfield hate no-hitters too?

ED:  CARDINALS FUN!!!  Matt Leinart, THE BABY MAKER, gets the starting nod as Cardinals QB over Kurt Warner…PSYCHE!!!!  Poor-poor Leinart.  SEXY <<<< JESUS.  The Cardinals sell the naming rights to their new stadium to the University of Phoenix killing the dream of the PINK TACO!!!  Well, not killing that dream for Matt Leinart, assumedly.

PR: Oh do not fret Ed. Pink Taco has moved on to offering millions to yes… THE SUPERDOME!!!! PINK TACO DOME~! IN NEW ORLEANS!!!!! Hello Jesus. Please make this happen. Thanks.

BB: I hope it will be a hard taco, soft tacos get all mushy. That wasn't even a vagina joke. It was a Katrina joke. I'm not sure which one was less appropriate.

ED:  Colts P Hunter Smith apologizes for talking smack about the Jaguars.  Jack Del Rio and his hair dresser do not approve.

PR: Del Rio has an axe and a trump stump that he thinks Smith might be interested in.

BB: There is nothing greater than trump stump. I don't even want to speculate as to what it could possibly be. I cannot love any human being more than I love Phil Ri'ppa.

PR: Why I have no idea where “trump stump” came from, I am more pissed that it really ruined the joke that I was going for – which no one would have gotten anyway. At least Bill makes me happy by fulfilling my dream of having my name spelled with an apostrophe.

ED:  INJURIES!!!  Bucs QB? Chris Simms (likely done for the season with a missing spleen), Seahawks RB Shaun Alexander (out indefinitely with a broken foot THAT JESUS COULD NOT HEAL!!!), 49ers TE Vernon Davis (out about 4 weeks with a broken leg), Chargers TE Aaron Shea (done for the season with a bad back), Giants LB Carlos Emmons (out three weeks with a pec tear)

PR: Emmons apparently didn’t talk to LaVar about the proper way to play linebacker and that is – the less effort you exert, the less risk of injury.

BB: I don't think Chris Simms' spleen is really missing, I mean, I am sure Greg Gumbel has it on his mantle now or something.

ED:  Somewhat-related – Panthers DE Al Wallace is fined $7.5K for the hit that may have destroyed Chris Simms’ spleen.  Yeah, odds are good that people in Tampa Bay are going to be paying that for him.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Vikings sign 3B Drew Henson.  The Lions release WR Corey Bradford.

BB: Well, they only gave Corey a two million dollar bonus to not be Charles Rogers, that seems reasonably fair.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!!  Bears CB Ricky Manning Jr. pleads no contest to assault charges and gets 3 years probation and an anger management class.  Bengals LB Odell Thurman is busted for DUI – with our boy Chris Henry in the SUV – and is suspended for the rest of the year.  Chargers S Terrence Kiel is arrested for shipping cough syrup all over the place.  Dolphins DT Keith Traylor faces a suspension from the league for his sundry arrests over the summer.

PR: Stupid misleading headlines making me think it was Jason Taylor and I will giddy.

BB: Sundry? Was he arrested in a canteen?

ED:  Yes.  He too will giddy once there, I am sure.

MM: The thought of Jason Taylor getting arrested conjured visions of Zach Thomas in a Skoal mesh cap hollarin', "Boy, you ain't done raht by my sister...!" and delivering a "Deliverance"-style assult.

FINISHING OFF WEEK THREE

ED:  The Saints whip the Falcons, 23-3.  MICHAEL VICK’S SUCKINESS SAVES THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS!!!!

WEEK FOUR!!!

ED:  Kurt Warner out-sucks Michael Vick as the Falcons maul the Cards, 32-10.

MM: DeAngelo Hall's ego thought he'd become a superstar on Monday night but he got helped off the field. He should have waited to spout off one week, let Warner throw him the ball for TD's.

ED:  Dallas destroys Tennessee, 45-14.  Be brave, little Titans fans.  At least you will not have to worry about Laura Quinn next year.

PR: You mean Vince Young wasn’t able to single handled run wild and carry the team to victory? You mean he wasn’t going to be able to have a game like the Rose Bowl everytime? I am stunned. Why would the scouts and media lie to me?

ED:  Peyton Manning rips the Jets hearts out with a last second TD to give the Colts a 31-28 win.

PR: Aww… this trumped the CFL game for wacky finish. Of course, I hate to admit that I did giggle when I heard that Lav Coles was hurt on the play.

ED:  Yep.  It’s official.  Dautne Culpepper is not right.  Houston 17, Miami 15.

MM: "...with the 45th pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Dolphins select...quarterback JaMarcus Russell...LSU..." Wait a year for your supersized Doug Williams, South Beach.
PR: Are we sure Miami didn’t let Dave Wannstedt call a few plays?

ED:  Buffalo 17, Minnesota 12.  God, do I have no interest at all in knowing what happened in this game.

ED:  Carolina hates the lost city of Atlantis as the Panthers top the Saints 21-18.

PR: Hey – look 2 former Giants assistants who, in theory, could have been coaching them. Yes, I am saying that I would have rather have had Sean Payton than Tom Coughlin. I haven’t reached the point of saying I want Ray Handley back. Talk to me after the Skins game.

ED:  Steve McNair’s reinforced vagina is too strong for the Chargers as the Ravens take San Diego, 16-13.

PR: After the beating I have taken for like trump stump and whatnot, I really wanted to make fun of Ed for writing “Sand Diego” but I couldn’t come up with a joke so I just edited it and moved on. I suck.

ED:  Yeah.  San Francisco is playing possum for their destruction of the Raiders next week as they get eviscerated by the Chiefs, 41-0.

ED:  So close to Mike Martz being a genius again.  Yet so-so far away.  Rams 41, Lions 34.

PR: I have failed the VP public. I should have kept my NFL Ticket just to do a recap of this game. It was like a perfect storm of all our usual foils. All we would have needed was either Jim Bowden or Kenny Williams to try an attempt a cross-sport trade.

ED:  NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE RAIDERS-CLEVELAND GAME.  NOTHING.  Football is dead to me.  Cleveland 24, Oakland 21.

ED:  JESUS IS A CLEAR!!!  Washington 36, Jags 30 in OT.

PR: Yeah – this is what I get for picking a team lead by Jack Del Rio and Mike Tice in a survivor pool.

ED:  New England manhandles Cincinnati, 38-13.

Sunday Night
ED:  Chicago crushes the Seahawks, 37-6.

PR: Ooff… have the started the THIS CHICAGO TEAM IS AS GREAT AS THE 85 BEARS stuff yet????

CFL
WEEK SIXTEEN!!!

PR: Montreal remembers how to win! Of course, they needed to kick 4 field goals because their offense is still nowhere to be found. Robert Edwards did score their lone touchdown. Apparently Edwards wasn’t told that the more success you have in the CFL the less likely one will make it back to the NFL.

ED:  He could still be the raiders best QB option, though.

PR: BC 28 – Hamilton 8. For Ed, it’s back to life, back to reality.

ED:  God I hate you, football.

PR: Hey! That Ricky Williams fella scored as the Argos beat Calgary 23-16. You know, its not too late for the Stampeders to call ABC an inquiry about Doug Flutie’s availability.

PR: Edmonton 30, Sask 25. Yeah – the final play of this was fun but there is no way I could possibly describe it. It was like the greatest combination of Leon Lett/The Music City Miracle/Cal-Stanford. Poor poor 4 yards short.

ED:  Yeah, this alone made me not entirely loathe football for a few seconds.

NCAA

ED:  The Duquesne basketball team is still allergic to lead.

PR: And Ed wins again.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Iowa basketball players Mike Henderson and Tyler Smith are arrested for theft.  University of Alaska Fairbanks basketball players Christopher Adams and Christopher Jordan are arrested for theft.

BB: I cannot possibly fathom what they stole. Probably sundries. Maybe trump stumps. I am unsure.

SOCCER

BB: Portsmouth continues to be bafflingly good. Of course, Leicester did this the year before they got relegated and nearly disappeared into the ether. Oh, and Alexandre Gadzuric or whatever his last name is took control of the club. Milan Mandaric is now interested in…buying Leicester. Oof…

PR: I hate your new job because I wanted to taunt you about Mandaric all week. Put Jamie Foxx on hold and log on to IM dammit.

BB: Mido makes "irresponsible and disrespectful" comments about Sol Campbell, calling him "one of the easiest defenders I've ever played against". Mido clearly didn't get the Mike Piazza press conference memo about Sol.

BB: Peter Crouch's home is ransacked by robbers. The burglars apparently drove off in one of his cars and his leather sofas were slashed, which isn't really much of a burglary now that I think about it. More just being a bunch of dicks. Of course, they probably knew it was Peter Crouch's house when the sofas were thirteen feet long.

PR: God – how long did it take them to adjust the seats in the car to where they could actually reach the gas pedals?

BB: While "yobs" were having their way with Peter Crouch's sofa, he was scoring on an "overhead" (read: scissors) kick against Fenerbahce. Or some other Eastern European team, I don't know, I don't have a TV. Panthaniakos. Galatasaray. Paniokos. Whatever.

PR: Aww…. but so did Brian Ching. You know – Brian Ching. HAWAIIAN SAVIOR!!! THE NEXT BRIAN MCBRIDE!!! USA! USA! Oof….

BB: Joey Barton moons Everton fans after a 1:1 draw.

PR: At least he didn’t kill them with an axe. Poor poor crazy brother.

BB: There's a big British TV investigation into BUNGS! and it ends up being not very much.

NBA

ED:  Former Raptors GM Glen Grunwald is hired as the Knicks’ executive vice president for basketball operations.  Yep, when I think of people who can help the Knicks, I think of former Raptors GM’s alright.

BB: In all fairness, they may have just been looking for someone they were sure Isiah wouldn't sexually harass.

ED:  The Nets sign UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED!!! Jay Williams.  It’s going to be great to sit at courtside and listen to all the metal plates clink as he runs.

BB: This is doubly funny if you involve Jayson Williams.

ED:  The Mavs extend the contract of Dirk Nowitzki through the 2010-11 season.  David Hasselhoff approves.

BB: So does Drunk Athlete.

MM: Spurs, Clippers, and Suns open training camps...in Europe. Nothing goes with two-a-day basketball practice like borst and bialy.

NHL
ED:  Avalanche F Steve Konowalchuk retires.  And I have absolutely no clue who that is.

BB: Aww…a FPOTM I would write in five years if I wrote FPOTMs.

PR: You know Ed – Linda Cohn is one of the contributors for espn.com for hockey. Just saying.

ED:  You’re just saying that to get Jooge to contribute again, aren’t you?

OTHER

ED:  Golf legend Byron Nelson heads off to the big sand trap in the sky at ninety-FOOOOOORRRRRRRRE!!!  Oh, boo yourself.  Like you wouldn’t have made the same joke.

PR: Aww... he is still a better golfer than David Duval.

BB: I want David Duval to be forgotten so Rippa can do the Duval FPOTM. I will never ever understand this.

ED:  Tony Stewart wins the Banquet 400 while out of gas on the last lap.  WHEE!

ED:  Tiger Woods wins another golf tournament.  Phil just wants me to put up another link to his hot wife and sister-in-law here.

PR: We need to contribute to reward the perverts who find our site in the midst of their creepy google searches.

ED:  HS FOOTBALL NEWZ!!!  South Carolina HS football player Paul McCoy runs for 668 yards in ONE GAME.  Possibly against the Raiders.  A Michigan high school football team forfeits the rest of their games for the season after they were unable to score through the first four games.  If only they had scheduled the Raiders.

ED:  Phil Pfister becomes the first American to win the World’s Strongest Man competition since…Bill Kazmeier in 1982.