The Week That Was
9/26/05 - 10/2/05
JC: Hello! My name is Jooge Cerdit! I won big auction on eBay to bring you Week That Was. [Ed's Note: Yeah. I auctioned off my portion of the WTW this week. As a way to make the site some money I thought it was worth a shot. Unfortunately, Jooge is from Upper San Zimbazslovavia, a tiny country somewhereàsomewhere. I should have taken Geography. Anyway, he won with a bid of 48,000 kreckles. I thought we were making some serious cash. But after the exchange rate and transaction fees, this is costing me $12.48. I am a fool.  Truly, this is all Peter King's fault.] Boy! Am I glad! What an honoured! From item description, I learn that ESPN is affiliated with this great site and boy would I like to meet Linda Cohen! [Ed's Note: Well, I sorta lied. Simmons steals from Bill. I can't imagine anyone else from ESPN using any of our material - at least not to Chris Berman's face, anyway. Hey! Like you've never lied when selling something on eBay!] I love America and your sports! I give you good report information! I have really nice haircut, ESPN! And I really-really-really like to meet Linda Cohen! She is what you Americans call, MILKY!

PR: Oh, like Ed was going to get to take the week off without the rest of us. This is all Jooge. All the time.

MLB
JC: Division races - San Diego Padres win National League West, Atlanta Braves win National League East for 300th straight year (this according to ESPN. I don't think that true. But I no question Linda Cohen. I really like Linda Cohen.), Chicago White Sox win American League Central, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim win American League West, New York Yankees win American League East, Houston Astros win National League Wild Card and Boston Red Sox win American League Wild Card.  I not understand though.  I read that my Baltimore Orioles win American League East in April.  Why Yankess in playoffs and not Orioles?  Is because of no salary cap in baseball?  I hear baseball say all problems are because of this.  True?

JC: The Boston Red Sox trade for P Mike Stanton from Washington Nationals for P's Rhys Taylor and Yader Peralta. This is good trade. Red Sox need more veteran experience. Mike Stanton is proven winner.

JC: The FBI investigate racist hate mails sent to Yankees SS Derek Jeter for dating womens of various racial backgrounds. This confusing me since fine Internets places like SonsOfSamHorn tell me Derek Jeter is gay.

JC: Florida Marlins P A.J. Burnett is sent home and is told is no longer part of team after he complaint about Marlins treating him bad. This makes me happy since I am big Baltimore Orioles fan - once B.J. Surhoff give me manly meaty autograph when I visit country - and I know A.J. can find happiness next year when he go to Baltimore. But what is talk of arm fall off, OK?

JC: Florida Marlins OF/3B Miguel Cabrera is not liked very well by his teammates because he is young and not listen to veteran leadership. I cannot understand world where person does pay Jeff Conine attention. Everybody need Jeff Conine to make him look better player.

JC: MLBPA submit steroid proposal to league, agreeing to ups suspensions for positive steroid tests. When players test on steroids, do they get to study for test or do they just cheat off Barry Bonds?

JC: Cincinnati Reds extend Manger Jerry Narron for 2006. That very good thing. Cincinnati is good job. No one to worry about if you do good or not.

JC: Darryl Strawberry in trouble for filling false police report of his suv being stolen. I make joke to friend that maybe Dwight Gooden took suv to ride around in drunk. We laugh a lot.

ED: San Diego awarded World Baseball Classic in March. I no care because Upper San Zimbazslovavia not playing. Bud Selig not smart man.

NFL

JC: INJURIES!!! Out for (at least) Week 4: Bills LB Takeo Spike (out for year with Achilles), Patriots S Rodney Harrison (out for year with knee), Vikings WR Nate Burleson (out week with knee), Jets QB Chad Pennington (out for year with shoulder), Jets QB Jay Fielder (maybe out for year with shoulder), 49ers CB Ahmad Plummer (out 2-6 weeks with ankle), 49ers WR Rasaun Woods (out for year with thumb), Lions CB Fernando Bryant (out for season with shoulder), Cardinals DT Russell Davis (out for year with bicep), Eagles K David Akers (out for week hamstring), Patriots RB Kevin Faulk (out 2 months with leg), Steelers LB Clark Haggans (out 5 weeks with hurting groin), Cardinals CB Antrel Rolle (out for week with knee), 49ers CB Mike Rumph (out for year with foot), Colts RB James Mungro (out for week with foot), Giants CB William Peterson (out for indefinitely with back), Patriots G Matt Light (out for maybe 8 weeks with leg)

JC: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! Jets sign QB's Vinny Testaverde and Kliff Kingsbury. Cardinals sign QB Rohan Davey. The Falcons sign WR Jerome Pathon. Patriots sign RB Amos Zeoreoue and releases WR Andre Davis. 49ers sign CB Willie Middlebrooks. Cardinals sign CB Robert Tate and release LB Lester Towns.

JC: TOUBLE LIST!!! Vikings OT Bryant McKinnie and OG Marcus Johnson arrested for fighting Minnesota gas station. Jaguars DT John Henderson is complained for domestic battery for girlfriend who would not give sex to him.

JC: Last week Steelers-Patriots game is clouded in controversial due to Pittsburgh clock man not running clock good and losing 51 seconds. I make joke to friend that losing 51 seconds in Pittsburgh is good thing since Pittsburgh is not pretty place to be go. I good at this, no?

JC: 49ers LB Jamie Winburn sent home to no satisfaction in team, probably to go traded to happy place. I bet he go sent to Saints since everyone happy with Saints now New Orleans is bad and everyone happy to make sad place better.

JC: Saints WR Joe Horn say that NFL make ômockeryö of team for playing their game at home in New York. Joe Horn should watch himself out! I heard that they bury people under stadium there.

JC: New York Jets and Giants reach agreement to build new stadium in Meadowlands. Like I say! Watch out Joe Horn! Cell phone reception bad under end zone.

JC: Rams sign 3rd round pick Richie Incognito. I know people talk bad for Rams. But signing player who from dictionary I read, ôwith one's identity concealed,ö seems like smart. Mike Martz loves trick plays like that.

JC: Panther players who link to accused South Carloina doctor prescribing steroids to be tested 24 times a year. That a lot of tests. Players can't have time for all that study, I bet. Probably much cheating off of internets will happen.

JC: TOUBLE LIST!!!  Former player Bob Buczkowski is arrested with prostitution and drug ring. Former Super Bowl star Timmy Smith arrested in selling cocaine to undercover agent. I bet Lawrence Taylor worried.

JC: Ending Week 3 - Monday night saw: the Broncos giving pounding Chiefs 30-10.

WEEK FOUR!!!

JC: Saints win one for all wet fans in home town against Bills in new San Antonio home, 19-7.

JC: Bucaneers not get much running out of their Cadillac and beat Lions anyway, 17-13.  I think I am make not gay Lions joke here since that is usual.  Lions not gay.  Hah hah.

JC: Colts kick crap of Titans, 31-10.  Ed said make something about Steve McNair breaking his vagina in game.  I not understand this.  If Steve McNair broken vagina wouldn't he be Jet QB?

JC: Chargers beat Patriots, 41-17.  Ed send me with Tom Brady sucks mail.  But Tom Brady not sucks Ed!  TD AMERICAN ROCK & ROLL QB ED!  APPLE PIE AND CHEERLEADERS AND CHIN DIMPLE ED!  TOM BRADY!  NO FUMBLE!

ED: Denver whip Jaguars, 20-7.  When Bobby Fisher hide out in country for while he tell us he smart but not as smart as NFL coaches.  True.  No one smart as NFL coaches like Jaguars and Broncos.

JC: Cincinnati beat Houston, 16-10.  Even I hope this game not get to Upper San Zimbazslovavia.

JC: Redskin beat Seattle 20-17 in overtime.  I happy since when I visit states to see Orioles game I hear about Redskins owner.  I hear he smart man.  Guy sitting next to me tell me that.  I wonder if smart like Jaguars and Broncos.

JC: NY Giants kill Rams, 44-24.  Eli Manning.  He seem like cool American rock & roll QB!  I wonder he listen to Creed discs with?

JC: Ravens beat Jets, 13-3.  We have name for that game here, but I we allowed not to swear.

JC: Philadelphia comes back to slap down Kansas City, 37-31.  How can anyone score that much on Chiefs when football insides tells me Chiefs are best defense ever?

JC: Oakland beats dallas, 19-13.  Ed sends this - "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  Then he write lot of swear words about Dallas I cannot put here.  Ed must not be real American since Cowboys USA Team #1.  

JC: Atlanta kill Minnesota, 30-10.  Michael Vick is electrical video game superstar QB!  But why his game not played in Mexico City if that's his real last name?

JC:  San Francisco and Arizona play in Mexico City.  This not show here for till 3 weeks from Yesterday.  I not going to spoil by looking ups.

CFL

JC: Player movement: Hamilton trades LB Donnovan Carter to Ottawa for a 4th pick round. Hamilton release T Dave Hack. Ed sent this to me with a lot of swear words I had not put. We can't swear here, right? I know American swear words good. I watch Def Comedy Jam.

WEEK FIFTEEN!!!

JC: Toronto's Damon Allen and Arland Bruce runned over Ottawa, 29-18.

JC: Ed make happy when Hamilton beat Edmonton, 40-14.  Ed say Ricky Ray play badly mean he try to play for Jets. Does mean he broken vagina too?

JC: Anthony Calvillo go wild on Stampeders and Montreal stomp Calgary, 32-11.

JC: Lions fall apart, not kick, not throw so Saskatchewan upset BC, 28-19.  

NCAA

JC: Arizona basketball player Shawntinice Polk dead at 21.

JC: North Dakota Fightin Sioux not allowed to use mascot under NCAA rule. This I think wrong since Siouxsie and the Banshees very good big band with many hits here. Big stars should be treated good by that NCAA.

JC: TOUBLE LIST!!! University of New Mexico dismisses basketball player Aaron Johnson for beating cop up. Montana State basketball player Frank Brown sentenced to for 90 days in rape.

SOCCER

JC: I would put thing here since Upper San Zimbazslovavia football team good. But Ed never comments. I so skip.

NBA

JC: Basketball camps open for next week. I make other joke to friend that sale of Clearisil to go up in basketball cities again next week because players so young. He was watching Linda Cohen with me so we not laugh as much.

NHL

JC: Preseason games going on still. No one yet beaten up too bad.

OTHER

JC: Dale Jarrett race wins UAW Ford 500.  Vroom!  Vroom!

JC: Man who run Quad City Marathon in Illinois parks his truck in front of train for runners so go through race running. We do this at Saturday nights for fun here.

JC: Arena Football league gets rid of New Orleans Voodoo team for hurricane problems with stadium. Those Voodoo's will be sent to other teams. Ed told me to make a joke here about them all being better than players on Columbus Destroyers. But this is my week to do this since I won bid. So I not make Ed joke.