THE WEEK THAT WAS
(9/28/04 - 10/3/04)

ED: Ed Agner
BB: Bill Barnwell
PR: Phil Rippa

PR: So much to cover. Let me see how much I can cover before mailing in.

BB: You mailed in this font choice - which is downright dainty.

PR: Bah! you fear your feminine side.

MLB
PR: The regular season came to an end. So many stories wrapping up. The big news was that the playoffs were set as the Anaheim Angels took two out of three to capture the AL West from the Oakland Athletics. Aww…. The LA somehow managed to overcome their lack of scrap to win the NL West. The Houston Astros completed their comeback from the dead to earn the NL Wild Card as the San Francisco Giants had a stinky bullpen and Barry Bonds' enormous head couldn't carry the day. Oh and the Chicago Cubs collapsed again.

BB: If the Cubs had acquired Pokey Reese instead of Nomar…this wouldn't have happened. No sir.

ED: Those NL playoffs. They sure do look stinky.

PR: Baseball is officially returning to Washington DC as MLB announced that the Montreal Expos truly would be relocated there. I will now spend the next 6 months praying that the new ownership will not trade Nick Johnson to acquire a "big name".

ED: Face it, Nick is destined for Oakland, Boston or LA soon enough. And Phil failed to mention that in the midst of all the Expos mess, GM Omar Minaya resigned to take the Mets GM job. And Omar thought the Expos were doomed to failure.

PR: Ichiro Suzuki broke George Sisler's hit record and finish the season with a total of 262 hits. MLB – it's SLAPTASTIC~!

BB: I think if you do not support the Ichiro Suzuki QUEST FOR A NEW RECORD you are un-American and yet somehow also jingoistic and you undoubtedly hate baseball and apple pie and sushi and freedom.

ED: Yes. Yes to all the above. It's my muddled sorta John Kerry-esque message that keeps me going, really.

PR: The Philadelphia Phillies finally decided to fire Larry Bowa. Amazingly, Bob Boone was not immediately named the new skipper. Of course, tons and tons of Phillies fans were upset Bowa was canned. Stupid Philly.

BB: Literally this blows my mind. I wonder if St. Louis THE BEST FANS IN THE COUNTRY!!! will have the same reaction if Mike Martz gets fired.

ED: Depends. Does Brenda Warner still have a home in St. Louis?

PR: Edgar Martinez played his final game, sadly going 0-4. Todd Zeile also played his final game, hitting a home run. And, if the Mets' prayers are answered, John Franco also played his final game.

BB: He even played 3B so if he comes back next year he qualifies there in some leagues. Ah, fantasy dreams.

ED: Todd Zeile homers and Edgar puts up an 0-fer. Life is cruel, kids. Life is cruel.

PR: The New York Yankees became just the fourth team in history to have three straight 100 win seasons. Boss George manages to not declare the season a failure… yet.

BB: Hmm…but how many lefty starters do they have Phil? ASTERISK I tell you.

ED: Amen, Bill. You know you can't win without 700 lefty starters. Would the New York media lie to us? Would they?

PR: The Kansas City Royals lost a franchise record 104 games. At least they have Juan Gonzalez locked up though. Oh wait – actually the Royals won't pick up the 05 options on Gonzalez and Joe Randa. Things are looking up already.

BB: Yeah, now they can put David Wright at 3B and…oh – right. They didn't get David Wright for Carlos Beltran. Whoops.

ED: I bet they could call the Mets up and offer that right now and get a firm maybe.

PR: The Tampa Bay Devil Rays actually managed to crack 70 wins and NOT finish last. Heck, the AL East was all wacky this year as the Orioles even finished in third. It's a brave new world.

BB: My inside sources in the Orioles organization say that without Miguel Tejada's leadership and proven RBI reliability, the Orioles still…wouldn'tve been competitive.

ED: And you can't put a price on leadership. Speaking of O's leadership - Lee Mazilli was given a vote of confidence to come back as O's manager next year. I'm not certain if that's a good thing for Mazilli or not.

PR: ESPN is all excited that the Marlins OF Juan Pierre played in every inning of every game, thus becoming only the third played since 1971. Considering the other two were Travis Fryman and Cal Ripken Jr. – Pierre is so not pasty enough to have accomplished this feat.

BB: Yeah really – look what it did for those two. Good luck Juan.

ED: Is he still looking for Mickey Rivers' plaque in Monument Park?

PR: The Detroit Tigers announced that Alan Trammell will return in 2005 to manage the Tigers again. Like this should have been an issue.

BB: Ah but he doesn't even need to with the VETERANNESS!!! of Pudge.

ED: Yeah, but who would look after the mothers of the players, huh? Sure, they could bring back Sparky Anderson to baby sit all their mothers but, I'll take Alan Trammell defending a reliever's mother against insurgent militias over Sparky. You think Pudge would take a bullet for Uggie's mama?

PR: John Cerutti, a former Toronto Blue Jays pitcher and the current Jays television announcer, was found dead in his hotel room on Sunday. He was 44 and the apparent cause of death is natural causes. Yup – that is depressing.

ED: Yeesh.

NFL
PR: In the Week 3 Monday Night Game, the Dallas Cowboys sent the Washington Redskins to another division loss, winning 21-18. Two key calls went against the Skins thus giving Washington fans another week of false hope. Oh, and Joe Gibbs apparently forgot how to manage the clock. This will be a running theme.

BB: Does anyone else remember the episode of Married with Children where Kelly Bundy gets taught every fact about football and forgets that he ran for 4 touchdowns in one high school game? Do you think that happened with Joe Gibbs and he forgot how the play clock worked?

ED: You gotta give Gibbs a break. When he last coached the clocks weren't all digitalized yet. Bring back those big ol' clocks with a dial and Gibbs is right there. And really, giving refs those starters pistols again can only be a good thing.

PR: Onto Week 4: WHOO-HOO!!! 3-1 BABY!!! The Giants beat the Packers in Green Bay. I really can't say anything else rational about this game. I am delusionally giddy.

BB: Awww…Rippa got on the slip and slide and now he's going to keep going until he hits the pavement. I am happy but I know that is just random luck.

PR: We all no this isn’t going to last but I have to DREAM BABY!!! (mainly because with each win, the later the Chargers will have to wait before drafting another QB)

ED: Hmm, that didn't seem manly-meaty enough. I'm thinking there's a fine in the works for you two.

PR: Hmm… let me try to say this delicately. The Houston Texans won two games in a row for the first time in the team's history. The earned this by beating Ed's Oakland Raiders, 30-17. Kerry Collins threw three interceptions and Tyrone Wheatley got hurt. These are concepts that New York Giants fans are familiar with.

BB: Yeah – lemme tiptoe around this one.

ED: Aww, see I was actually expecting worse from Collins. Yeah, spring training can't come soon enough.

PR: Okay, so the Messiah returns to Washington. The team loses two straight division games. They go to Cleveland to take on a woeful Browns team that is missing about 32 starters. This will right the ship. The end result? The Browns win 17-13. Clock management is an issue for another week as is the fact that Redskins can't hold onto the ball or score when they do have it. No, I am not gloating. Well, maybe a little.

BB: I wonder if Steve Spurrier thinks that he wasn't treated 100% fairly about this? I wonder if he would talk about that at all! Nah.

PR: Pittsburgh beat division foe Cincinnati, 28-17. The bloom is off the Marvin Lewis rose (and Carson Palmer's too). Bill Cowher is becoming insufferable again. Jerome Bettis is becoming the 2K4 Zack Crockett and Ben Roethlisberger had another mediocre game, yet won his second straight start. Welcome to the AFC Norris. Ooofff….

BB: THE AFC NORTH! We're…GUARANTEED ONE PLAYOFF SPOT!

ED: But-but...Marvin Lewis is a defensive genius! GENIUS!

PR: The Jacksonville Jaguars held to Peyton Manning to just over 200 pashing yards. Held Edgerrin James under 100 yards. Marvin Harrison had less than 50 yards. Oh yeah, the Colts won 24-17. WHOOPS!

BB: Marvin Harrison…kills my fantasy football team another week. He is having an Eddie George season so far.

ED: And I am amazed at how little I care about either team.

PR: The Phildelphia Eagles are the best team in the NFL right now. Which actually excites me because that isn't going to bode well come the playoffs. The football Gods owe this to me. Anyway, the Eagles beat the Chicago Bears 19-9.

BB: B…bbut….PROVEN VETERAN #1 RECEIVER!

ED: What do you need the football Gods for when the Eagles have Andy Reid? Things will take care of themselves.

PR: The New England Patriots are still the best team in the AFC. They won their record tying 18 straight victory over another pasty – the Buffalo Bills. Up next week for the Pats – the Miami Dolphins. That will not be pretty.

BB: Hopefully the Red Sox get eliminated in game 4 at Fenway and the rioting extends to Foxborough so that the game gets postponed till I go to England.

ED: I really need to create that Tom Brady voodoo doll now.

PR: Speaking of the Fins, they still didn't score a TD as the New York Jets remained unbeaten with a 17-9 win. Jay Fiedler played a comical, comical game with 4 turnovers. The Dave Wannstedt about to burst into tears look is an enjoyable one.

BB: Again – I am convinced that the Miami Hurricanes are better than the Miami Dolphins. I am even convinced that if you threw a football into one of the hurricanes that hit Miami they'd be more likely to make it go for positive yardage or run a successful pass pattern than the Dolphins.

ED: Yeah, but what Dolphin could throw a ball into a hurricane and hit it?

PR: Emmitt Smith suddenly thought he was playing the Washington Redskins again as the Cardinals handed the New Orleans Saints an ugly loss. Emmitt rushed for a 100 yards and threw the first TD of his looooonnnngggg career. Final score – 34-10. No word on if the Saints gave Jim Haslett a contract extension.

BB: You know Emmitt was icing his arm after that one and trying to play it off like it was from when he got hit or something. Ah, machismo.

ED: I do the same thing when I throw my arm out trying to throw socks into a hamper. Ride on, Emmitt. Ride on.

PR: The Atlanta Falcons are 4-0 after a 27-10 win over the Carolina Panthers. Keith Brooking was all excited, screaming about how they "own the South" Tough feat considering the South also has the crippled Panthers, the Saints who can't beat the Cardinals and the Texans. WHOOO-HOO!!! It's like all those teams in Whatif that take division titles with sub-.500 records.

BB: There are lots of people who own the South. I am going to go with Master P first and foremost. How many gas stations does Keith Brooking own? Then again – by that measure, Lenny Dykstra is the most powerful man in California. I guess SCRAP goes a long way.

PR: Maybe the Tennessee Titans would have been better off starting the crippled Steve McNair. Drew Brees looks like a first rounder… which makes the whole Philip Rivers situation more enjoyable. Of course, I also remember when the Titans had a defense. The Vols get crushed by Auburn made it a very bad weekend in the Volunteer State.

BB: I am saddened by the failure of the Ewing Theory.

PR: Ed's can be happy about the fact that the Jon Gruden led – well can they really led when 0-4? – Tampa Bay Buccaneers lost to the Denver Broncos, 16-13. Hey! Jake Plummer threw for 138 yards. So about $39 million for each yard. Quentin Griffin managed to not fumble. John Lynch played some… interesting… defense. This game was not for the faint of heart.

BB: Come on come on come on Tatum Bell.

ED: Actually I hate the Broncos much-much-much-much-much more than I do Tampa Bay. I lose either way, I guess.

PR: In the ESPN Sunday Night Game (and ESPN must be SOOOO excited with their slate of games this year), the St. Louis Rams managed to stop the bleeding by beating the absolutely terrible San Francisco 49ers. All I cared about was that Marc Bulger threw to Isaac Bruce 7 times while only throwing to Torry Holt 3 times. Thus I won the world's worst fantasy football game over Ed.

BB: Literally fantasy-punching-yourself-in-the-groin might've been better than that game.

ED: Fah! But I finished above you and Bill in fantasy baseball this weekens so I am fantasy happy.

PR: Some key injuries that occurred in Sunday's games: Brett Favre has the concussion that kept him out for most of the second half. Of course, his replacement, Doug Pederson also got hurt. The aforementioned Tyrone Wheatley was hurt during the second quarter of the Raiders game against the Texans. Honestly though, Wheatley out with injury is about a productive as when I start Wheatley. Others leaving games – Bengals CBs Rashad Bauman and Rogers Beckett, Panthers LB Mark Fields, Bills LT Jonas Jennings, Pats WR Bethel Johnson, jags OT Mike Pearson (possibly done for the year), He Hate Me Rod Smart, Bills C Trey Teague, Bills CB Troy Vincent.

BB: The basis of an ugly, ugly team.

PR: Baltimore Ravens stud running back and drug lover, Jamal Lewis, reached a tentative plea agreement to avoid having to go to trial on drug charges. Lewis will likely serve 2-6 months in jail. Of course, he is going to end up being suspended by the NFL. Poor little Ravens offense.

BB: Come on – he is a stud drug lover. And now he has cred.

ED: Well, it's not like he stabbed a man or anything.

NBA
PR: A bunch of Kobe Bryant court documents were released and Kobe and Shaq got into a war of words on what they like to do with the ladies. This was really amusing for me this week when I discovered that someone in my parking garage actually paid for vanity plates that read "H8 DGAME". It's the little things in life.

BB: I didn't even know you worked with Ryan Broderick.

PR: Rick Fox officially retired instead of playing for the Boston Celtics. Vanessa Williams doesn't care.

BB: Rick Fox, Gary Payton, Danny Ainge don't care either. Gotta clear out cap room for more white guys who can shoot. Gotta clear out cap room for more white guys who can shoot.

ED: That probably would've been a good idea for the Olympic basketball team, anyway.

PR: The Memphis Grizzlies signed Pau Gasol to a six year contract extension. Now, Jerry West just needs to figure out how to get the Grizzlies moved into the Eastern Conference.

BB: Signing every European player and then moving to Europe overnight…good start.

SOCCER
PR: There was another round of Champions League games. Results were:

PR: On Tuesday, Bayern Munich blew past Ajax, 4-0. Bayer Leverkusen wasn't as fortunate, dropping a 4-2 decision to Dynamo Kiev. Manchester United also ran up the score, dropping six goals on Fenerbahce. Juventus and Olympiakos each secured 1-0 victories over Maccabi and Liverpool, respectively. Monaco scored 2 goals in the first 10 minutes of their game against Deportivo and made it stand. In the game that Bill and I suffered through, Real Madrid rallied from two goals down to beat Roma 4-2. Lyon was the only road team to secure a win, beating Sparta 2-1.

BB: Theoretically there was a joint running diary of that Madrid-Roma match. A sampling for you now…YOU figure out the context!!

[15:09] <VPBill> I was afraid you were missing cause your wife was beating you up

[15:13] <VPBill> What percentage of his column do you think TMQ actually re-writes on a weekly basis?

[15:13] <Rippa> 98%

[15:13] <VPBill> He has to have AutoText for his "don't blitz yadda yadda I hate the Jews yadda yadda" stuff right?

[15:18] <Rippa> Well if that were a Redskin, then it would have been the refs fault

[15:20] <Rippa> I am ashamed that I have not been able to make some mean Russian joke about the officials yet

[15:21] <VPBill> surely there must be a shooting children joke in there somewhere

[15:30] <VPBill> The best part of that thread is the guy who is like "I'M GONNA ARCHIVE THESE!!" and then posted every two posts about how he had three more pages done

[15:30] <VPBill> and then he finishes with I'M NOT TELLING YOU THE URL!!

[15:35] <Rippa> my favorite is that their candidates in the "purists" party are so wrong. And since they are clearly going for an old-boy thing and old-boys would not be trying to elect a minority woman

[16:04] <Rippa> nor are you one of your former rommates

[16:04] <Rippa> roommates too

[16:04] <VPBill> no - I am not my own former roomate?

And of course the second half was discussing where Rippa can lose money playing poker online so coming soon – Rippa gropes poker tables.

[17:08] <VPBill> i mean you're friends with Dean

[17:08] <VPBill> you could probably like get TimLivingston to pay $50 to sniff you

PR: On Wednesday, my boys AC Milan beat Celtic 3-1. SHEVCHENKO~! Inter Milan also won 3-1 (against Anderlecht). Also winning, CSKA Moscow, Barcelona, Chelsea (over Porto. Aww… poor little defending champs), PSV Eindhoven and Werder Bremen. Arsenal played to a disappointing 1-1 tie with Rosenborg.

PR: Due to injury, Claudio Reyna will miss both of the US' upcoming World Cup qualifiers. I, for one, am not upset.

BB: VETER..you get the idea.

CFL
ED: Week 16 recap:

PR: They really play a lot of games for so few teams. Is it that hard to move like 8 teams from the NFL into the CFL? Like Montreal couldn’t beat the hell out of Miami or Arizona or San Fran or the Giants... oh wait...

ED: Toronto hammered Calgary 49-24 as Stampede QB Michael Souza did his best Kerry Collins impersonation - one would assume drunkenly, to be properly Collins-like.

PR: Did he hate on his black teammates to?

ED: Hamilton edged Edmonton 30-27 as Hamilton's rookie kicker, Jamie Boreham, saves his little Canadian bacon by finally making a field goal in the last seconds to secure the win.

PR: Sadly, that Canadian bacon joke might have been the most witty thing I wrote when I said it about Eric Gagne. I suck.

ED: Saskatchewan whipped Montreal 35-19 thanks to Kenton Keith's best Mike Pringle impersonation - 146 yards and 2 TD's.

PR: This was... not good.

ED: BC outlasted Winnipeg 42-31 thanks to Casey Printers' (who still isn't crippled, by the way - stupid CFL site) 435 yards and 3 TD's.