ED: Ed Agner
PR: Phil Rippa
JS: Justin Slotman
MM: Marc Manning ED: Yes, a week of
antagonizing Phil with Sean Casey is a week I never want to end.
PR:
Baseball is dead to me.
ED:
Obviously, since I love the A’s far too much right now, baseball will
be dead to me in a week.
JS:
Baseball, baseball….oh, that’s that sport they play in New York City
and Boston, right? With the guys with the handlebar moustaches. How
deliciously retro.
MLB ED:
Longtime Phillies organizer Paul Richardson dead at 74. Aww, now
who will play taps for the Phillies season on opening day?
PR:
Maybe Jimmy Rollins can play the skin flute.
ED:
I am certain Pat Burrell would approve.
ED:
Former Negro Leaguer Buck O’Neill is dead at 94…and likely still boring
St. Peter with some nonsensical story. And former Reds GM Dick
Wagner – the man who helped build and single-handedly destroyed the Big
Red Machine – is dead at 78.
PR:
Apparently – Buck O’Neill is the greatest human being who ever lived.
The internet said so and who am I to doubt the internet.
ED:
PLAYOFFS!!! Yeah, well the Division Series’ are all done with the
Tigers taking the Yankees, the A’s taking the Twins, the Mets taking
the Dodgers and the Cards taking the Padres. Yeah, Fox is so
going to bury the ALCS.
MM:
"Hear the roar, Tigers in four!" Much like the pre-made and discarded
"championship" t-shirts for runner-ups, I'd love to hear the chintzy,
canned catch phrases FOX producers put together for series clinchers
that never get used. "Saito says 'sayonara,' LA sweeps the Mets!"?
"McCourt is McMagic, Dodgers are on to the NLCS!"? "Cano can go...onto
the second round!"?
ED:
DL LIST!!! Mets P Orlando Hernandez is probably done for the
entire postseason with a torn calf muscle. Dodgers P Joe Beimel
is done for all of the Dodgers NLDS loss to the Mets after cutting up
his hand. A’s 2B Mark Ellis is done for the rest of the
postseason with a broken finger.
PR:
It’s too bad none of them died. Grr…. Hate baseball so much.
ED:
Managerial stuff – The Rangers fire Manager Buck Showalter. The
Marlins officially fire Manager Joe Girardi and replace him with Fredi
Gonzalez. And Cubs Manager Dusty Baker and Giants Manager Felipe
Alou are officially out of work.
MM:
I thought changing the end of your name to "i" was a move girls named
Kelly did for two months in 8th grade.
PR:
We aren’t even going to address the Lou Pinella as new Yankess manager
issue. God – we are so not even coming close to talking about that.
MM:
I will say with all seriousness I now have to replace my TV. Thanks
ESPN crawler.
ED:
Hey, you know, Steve Phillips could be available too for when the
Yankees ditch Brian Cashman. You know he could work out an ARod
deal.
ED:
COACHING MOVES (since this is a slow week) – The Red Sox can hitting
coach Ron Jackson and pitching coach Dave Wallace. The Rockies
can 1B coach Dave Collins. The Braves will not bring back bench
coach Pat Corrales, bullpen coach Bobby Dews – replacing Dews
with…Eddie Perez. The Phillies can 1B coach Marc Bombard, 3B
coach Bill Dancy and bench coach Gary Varsho. The Astros fire
pitching coach Jim Hickey.
PR:
Hey – Eddie Perez retired. Guess he realized that… you know… he sucked.
Yeah, the Astros problem was their pitching coach. Yup. Jesus clearly
hated his pagan ways.
ED:
EARLY PLAYA MOVEMENT DECISIONS!!! The Blue Jays reportedly will
not pick up the 2007 option on C Bengie Molina’s contract. (Poor
bitter fat man.) The Indians pick up the 2007 options on P Jake
Westbrook and OF? Casey Blake. The Angels decline the 2007 option
on P JC Romero.
PR:
Aww… Cleveland clearly hates Westbrook and Blake. Poor poor another
year in Ohio. Does J.P. speak Spanish or did he have to hire a
translator to let Molina know that he was stinky?
ED:
Hey! The Red Sox finally completed that disastrous Javy Lopez
deal by sending the O’s OF Adam Stern. Mmm, more playing time for
Gabe Kapler.
ED:
Delta names a shuttle flight from New York to DC and Boston after Mets
3B David Wright – named, the Wright Flight, of course – complete his
name and jersey number on the plane. No word on if faith healers
will serve as pilots on these planes or not.
ED:
Pete Rose appeared on David Letterman’s little TV show and admitted to
taking “greenies” to lose weight. Also, Rose said he doesn’t bet
on baseball anymore since he knows too much about it and it “wouldn’t
be fair.” Right. As opposed to when he bet on baseball as a
manager and apparently knew nothing about the sport.
PR:
Mind you – Ed didn’t actually see the show since he is in bed by 8:30
pm. Actually his leaky bladder might have allowed him to be awake
during this time. Who can know for sure? Since Ed would never be able
to remember. Poor poor old man.
ED:
ROID NEWZ!!! That there Jason Grimsely report about Roger
Clemens, Andy Petttitte, Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts and Jay Gibbons
enjoying the sweet juice? Yeah. Well, apparently that’s
inaccurate and EVERYONE IS CLEAN! Barry Bonds’ trainer Greg
Anderson is freed from prison for those contempt of court charges…for
now.
ED:
TROUBLE LIST!!! Los Hermanos Canseco have the $1 million judgment
against them for assaulting two rednecks in a bar upheld. Tigers
P Kenny Rogers is accused of assaulting a man in a parking lot – said
victim is now looking to drop the issue.
PR:
I will assault Kenny Rogers in a parking lot. Grr….
NFL ED:
Yeah. That TO-McNabb sent text message/didn’t get text message
deal. Phew! That’s important!
PR:
I guess TO had emoticons turned off.
ED:
INJURIES!!! Ravens G Edwin Mulitalo (done for the season with a
torn triceps tendon), Giants LB Carlos Emmons (out for the week with a
torn pec), Jets RB Cedric Houston (out 2-4 weeks with a hyper extended
knee), Bucs T Kenyatta Walker (done for the season with a wrecked
knee), Titans WR David Givens (out this week with a bad hand), Colts DT
Corey Simon (done for the season due to a “mysterious illness”), Jags
DT Marcus Stroud (ankle – out this week), WR Matt Jones (gettin' his
groin right – out this week) and DE Marcellus Wiley (getting his groin
right – out this week)
PR:
There was a whole lotta hurt groins and strained hands. I thought
people were supposed to get hairy palms and go blind doing that.
ED:
PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Packers release CB Ahmad Carroll.
ED:
SUSPENSIONS!!! Titans DT Albert Haynesworth is suspended 5 games
for stomping on the head of Cowboys C Andre Gurode. Bengals WR
Chris Henry is suspended two games for violating the league’s substance
abuse policy.
ED:
TROUBLE LIST!!!! Assault charges against former Patriots LB Ted
Johnson and his wife were dropped when neither would testify against
the other. Chargers S Terrence Kiel pleads not guilty to those
charges of him shipping cough syrup all over the place. Ravens KR
B.J. Sams is arrested AGAIN for DUI. Packers WR Koren Robinson is
sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating his parole – said sentence
will not be server until after the football season, of course.
Former Giants/Pats/Jets RB Dave Meggett resigns from his job as
Robersonville, NC parks director after being hit with rape charges.
ED:
Hey! Buck up, little Seahawks fans! Even though you got
stomped by the Bears in Week 4 and Shaun Alexander is still out since
Jesus only washes feet, not heals them, things are looking up!
That’s right, Seahawks special defensive assistant Ray Rhodes is sick
again.
PR:
Die already old man.
ED:
I am thinking Phil is directing that to Rhodes and me.
ED:
The Vikings announce they would move their week five game at home
against the Lions to Monday night if a Game 5 is needed in the
Twins-A’s ALDS. But Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire is says – “I
WANT TO SAVE AMERICA FROM HAVING THIS SUCKFEST IN PRIME TIME!!! I
WILL MAKE SURE THERE WILL BE NO GAME 5! TYNER! YOU WILL
DH!!! HUNTER, YOU DIVE FOR EVERYTHING!!!”
MM:
Nick Swisher and Milton Bradley may still be dancing together in a
champagne shower until Tuesday, so game didn't move.
FINISHING
OFF WEEK FOUR
ED:
The Eagles stomp the Packers, 31-9. BUT HEY! BRETT FAVRE
STILL LOOKS GOOD OUT THERE! LET HIM PLAY ANOTHER 5 YEARS!!!
JS:
BRETT FAVRE HAS EARNED THE RIGHT TO RETIRE ON BRETT FAVRE’S TERMS
WEEK
FIVE!!!
MM:
Chicago dunks Buffalo 40-7. Rex Grossman could get decapitated tomorrow
and his tombstone would still read "Most Successful Spurrier QB Ever."
ED:
That is until the Raiders take Chris Leak with their first round pick,
of course.
PR:
Aww… I like how Ed thinks the Raiders wouldn’t take a punter with the
first pick.
MM:
Awwwww...Leak logged on to http://www.fireronzook.com, not
http://www.keep-ol-ballcoach.net. But Leak running Urban Meyer's
offense with Lamont Jordan and Randy Moss in the backfield would make
me swoon. And you should be watching tape of Rick Mirer to ease into
The Brady Quinn Era.
JS:
The Bears have captured my coveted “overhyped team I am drawn to hate”
position, by the way. As if Urlacher wasn’t completely overexposed
already. And I am not looking forward to the “Superbowl Shuffle” video
being replayed once a week for the next 20 weeks. Not at all.
MM:
Belicheck Cradle of Coaches looking like a filled diaper in 2006 so
far. Panthers over Browns 20-12.
ED:
Aww, but Charlie Frye is a MAC QB!!! MAC QB’s are the hotness.
MM:
Minnesota drops Detroit to 0-5. Lions lose another top five draft pick
receiver. Which number is greater -- total yardage of Kevin Jones or
total screen time of Rosie O'Donnell having sex on "Nip/Tuck"?
Minnesota is going to get a 9-7 wild card spot just running behind
Steve Huchinson and Bryant McKinnie.
ED:
Nothing made me chuckle more this weekend – well, other than seeing
Sean Casey celebrate and knowing Phil will kick my ass – than Jon
Kitna’s last second shovel pass. GREATEST BACK-UP QB OF THEM
ALL!!!
PR:
That Kitna INT did make me giggle. I am guessing he thought that is how
Jesus would throw. MM:
Joey Harrington was behind center and threw more than 40 passes against
New England. If you have to look up the result of the game you've been
starring at Tom Brady Gap ads for too long. 19 tackles between masters
of veteran presence themselves R. Harrison and T. Bruschi.
ED:
When Joey Harrington shows you up, you are probably no longer a
top-tier QB anymore. Poor-poor sex boat QB.
MM:
In field goal range, Brett Favre fumbles with forty second left to lose
another home game. Ain't enough Vicodin in Wisconsin to get through
this season. Rams 23-20.
ED:
If they put Vicodins in blocks of cheese, would that make any
difference?
JS:
I doubt it—Brett doesn’t seem like a cheese-eater. Maybe if he could
fish for Vicodin-flavored perch, that would help.
MM:
MICHAEL JORDAN OF FOOTBALL!!! saves an entire state still awash in
Katrina aftermath by scoring a touchdown on a punt return. New Orleans
24, Chuckie Dolls 21. Saints have Philly and B-More up next, that
record will come down to earth like an airborne double-wide.
JS:
Poor poor Michael Vick. Phil Knight promised him he could be the
football MJ!
ED:
You know what the Saints need to make themselves better? The
return of Aaron Brooks.
PR:
Why – what is Brooks bringing with him? Rations? Towels? Shower sandals
so no one has to step on any ick when avoiding the corpses?
MM:
Titans are the second NFL team to run a spread option for their QB?
this season. Falcons trashed TB with it in week 2, Vince Young rushes
for a TD on an option play and almost upsets Indy at home. Almost.
14-13 Colts.
MM:
Al Saunders gets a LOT of money...to score three points a game.
Tomcouglin'scoaching 19 Redskins 3.
ED:
Aww, this was the only joy in Phil’s life. I will leave this
alone.
PR:
You know who keeps producing. AMANI F’N’ TOOMER!!! Stupid Plaxico
Burress. Tim Carter did manage to contribute this week without
crippling himself. Oh and Bill was confused by the screen to Brandon
Jacobs. I pointed out that he was clearly the 9th option on the play
behind things like taking a knee and intentional grounding.
ED:
I love how Marc completely skips over the KC-Arizona game. KC
23-AZ 20 in Matt Leinart’s first ever NFL start. I am guessing
certain members of the Warner family chuckle from behind their bibles.
MM:
41-0 is a varsity homecoming score on Friday night. Jack Del Rio's
quaff plays the role of Homecoming King, Maurice Drew went to UCLA so
he's used to being a Queen. Jags stomp Jets.
PR:
Somehow the Jags can do this can’t figure out how to… you know… cover
Santana Moss. Grr…
ED:
Sadly, I watched this game. And the correct answer on tears shed
was a mere 1,483. San Francisco 34, Oakland 20.
PR:
Poor poor Battle of the Bay.
ED:
There might have been some sort of back-story in the
Dallas-Philadelphia game. FOX kept that as a secret though so I
am not certain. I am thinking the back-story might have been why
Drew Bledsoe sucks. I could be wrong. Eagles 38-Cowboys 24.
MM:
Romo starts within the next two weeks, this is the year of QB's
nobodies seen before. A guy named Baskett had more than twice as many
yards as the Pill Biter. If it weren't Bledsoe lobbing airballs to TO,
something like that stat would put a perspective on that Eagle Super
Bowl run, no?
JS:
GAME OF THE SEASON! YEEAARGGH! Though despite the hype it was an
entertaining contest, including the Bledosest ending possible (an
inzone interception ran back for a touchdown with 30 seconds to go.)
PR:
The only way the ending would have been better would have been if it
was a tie game when the pick was thrown.
Sunday
Night ED:
Poor Ben Roethlesberger. No one survives the FOOTBALL PROSPECTUS
CURSE! NO ONE!!! Assumedly, Bill is now working on a piece
about the Eagles to test this out. San Diego 23, Steelers 13.
JS:
But he’s a MAC QUARTERBACK! Oh, we did that already…..
CFL ED:
Montreal head coach Don Matthews resigns after a mysterious illness and
is replaced with GM Jim Popp. Poor little Als fans.
JS:
Yeah….this season is not wrapping up well.
WEEK
SEVENTEEN!!! PR:
Nope, maybe Calgary isn’t as great as everyone thinks as BC whips them
39-13. The win was Wally Bruno 200th. Which is like 197 more than Tom
Coughlin.
ED:
SASKATCHEWAN at MONTREAL and EDMONTON at TORONTO are THANKSGIVING DAY
GAMES! We may or may not throw something in about these games
eventually. Don’t hold your breath.
JS:
Just wait til next week—we need to recover from Thanksgiving. You know
how much tryptophan there is in poutine? Oh, I hope that joke was
funny-obvious and not lame-obvious…..
NCAA ED:
TROUBLE LIST!!! Dayton basketball player Norman Plummer is
suspended after being arrested for DUI. Ditto with Illinois
basketball player Rich McBride. Iowa basketball players Mike
Henderson and Tyler Smith are arrested for theft.
MM:
SEC -- Arkansas football hype begins way earlier than predicted here
weeks ago. Razorbacks stomp Auburn at their place 27-10. LSU v.
University of Tim Tebow this weekend. BIG EAST -- Somehow, someway
Louisville v. West Virginia is going to be the biggest NCAA game that
nobody watched of '06. BIG 10 -- Ohio State has five more scrimmages
until welcoming Michigan. If Lloyd Carr beats Penn State in Happy
Valley and Iowa in Ann Arbor, Brent Musburger will orgasm mid-field on
Nov. 18 in Columbus.
PR:
Aww… in one paragraph Marc talks more about college football than we
ever have in the past.
SOCCER PR:
EURO 08 qualifiers abound. England can’t beat Macedonia so everyone
panics again. Sweden beat Spain 2-0 so they Spanish are REALLY freaked.
Scotland beat France 1-0. Just blame it on Zidane. It’s easier. Oh and
then there was Group D – Germany crushed San Marino 7-0, Slovakia beat
Wales 5-1 (despite Paul Jones ridiculous hair) and Cyprus! over Ireland
5-2! Can a single freaking team I like win this freaking weekend?
PR:
Jonathan Woodgate is hurt again. No really.
PR:
Lomana LuaLua is arrest for beating up his “partner”. Of course – the
real gem of this story is that he was in custody longer than usual
because they couldn’t find a translator for his “partner” he speaks a
“dialect”. It was really cute how soccernet went out of its way to not
say his gay lover spoke with a lisp.
PR:
Either last week or this week – Clint Dempsey was named US Player of
they Year. I have no joke because I already ruined it (in more ways
than one) on the board.
JS:
Yeah—I thought I could add some Soder League scores here but even the
Championship gets the weekend off during Euro qualifying. Who knew?
PR:
Since Glenn Myernick sadly ended up dying from the heart attack he
suffered, I never fully formulated the “Bruce Arena diet” joke I had
started in my brain. That was probably for the best.
NBA ED:
The Pacers are doing their part to out-Trail Blazer the Trail
Blazers. Pacers Stephen Jackson, Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels
and Jimmie Hunter are involved in an incident outside of an
Indianapolis strip club where Jackson got his butt kicked and ended up
firing a gun. Pot was also found in Tinsley’s car. No
arrests were made, of course, since the presence of black men in
Indianapolis likely scared away the cops.
JS:
PRESEASON NBA VS THE EUROLEAGUE! I love this time of year, and have
ever since Maccabi’s victory over Toronto gave me a lifetime of Raptors
jokes. Of course—it’s less amusing when the shoe is on the other foot,
as it was this time with the Clippers losing to defending Euroleague
champion CSKA Moscow—though they beat BC Khimki the previous night.
Plus the Sixers blew their Euro-opener to Barcelona. The Spurs won both
their games, including a homecoming game for Tony Parker in Paris vs
Maccabi. And the Suns beat Lottomatica Roma in Mike D’Antoni’s return
to Italy. Because the NBA loves STORYLINES!
PR:
TRAJAN LANGDON! doesn’t need the NBAs money. He is perfectly happy
taking it from probably sketchy Russian business men.
NHL ED:
Hey! Hockey season started. Yeah. Well…yeah.
PR:
The Rangers are 2-0. STOP THE SEASON NOW!!!
JS:
To be fair, the season has never been the Rangers’ problem. It’s that
whole “playoffs” thing that gets them. Heh.
PR:
Oh and hockey is getting cocky and has already started jacking up its
ticket prices.
PR:
The Devils name Patrik Elias the 7th captain in team history.
Apparently – you can’t play hockey in the tri-state area without a
Czechoslovakian captain these days. Of course – ESPN still claims that
Elias is a rookie so that made me giggle.
OTHER ED:
A group of investors, lead by Red Sox owner John Henry, is looking into
buying NASCAR’s Roush Racing team. Oooooo. Maybe they can
get Jon Lester to drive for them. Then the Yankees can buy a team
and have Carl Pavano drive for them. And I fully anticipate Bill
James to get thrown in the mix of this somehow. C’mon, he’s from
Missouri. No way James hasn’t tried to saber-ize NASCAR.
ED:
Brian Vickers says screw teamwork and wipes out teammate Jimmie Johnson
and foe Dale Earnhardt Jr on the final lap to take the UAW-Ford 500.
PR:
Aww… you know no one cares about NASCAR anymore when even Justin isn’t
commenting on the races.