The Week That Was 10/3/05 - 10/09/05

ED: Crap! Why couldn't Jooge have taken this week?

PR: Well my contribution will be about the same as last week.

BB: Have we ever all actually done a full WTW with no gimmicks, cutoff points, or mailing in? Ever? Oh well, I don’t care. EIGHTEEN MONTHS BABY!

MLB

ED: Pat Kelly - no, not THAT Pat Kelly - dead at 61. Blue Jays announcer Tom Cheek dead at 66.

PR: I really had been stunned for a second thinking it was the other Pat Kelly. And then I silently cursed that I hadn’t picked him for the dead pool. Oh well.

BB: Who would have killed Pat Kelly? Andy Stankiewicz? Alvaro Espinoza? Maybe Mike Gallego?

ED: PLAYOFFS!!!

- The White Sox manhandle the Red Sox. Hehehehe. I can't wait for Fever Pitch 2 then.

- The Cardinals maul the Padres. No. No one can explain why the Padres were in the playoffs

- The Astros take the Braves. Assumedly, the Braves were too busy posing for Rick Sutcliffe's Barely Legal layout to actually play baseball

- Yankees-Angels. Dunno. Still going. Fox prays that the Angels don't take the series or else there may be some reruns of Herman's Head or something trotted out instead of the ALCS.

PR: I would so watch Herman’s Head over having to watch the rest of the playoffs and listen to Joe Buck. GREATEST ANNOUNCER OF OUR GENERATION!!!!! I hate sports radio.

BB: Herman’s Head is the earliest show I remember liking despite knowing (even at six) no one else did. The John Lequizamo Show was #2. Yes – I loved me some FOX. My taste didn’t kick in until 15 or so.

ED: INJURIES!!! Cardinals P Al Reyes will miss the playoffs and more with a shredded elbow. Padres P Jake Peavy breaks a rib in his first playoff game start and misses the rest of the Padres getting swept by the Cardinals.

BB: You mean he didn’t get it removed so he could give himself some love? Are you sure? Next you will tell the twelve year old me that Jewel, Alanis Morissette, and Michael Stipe all didn’t get their stomachs pumped. Rippa, you can substitute in Molly Ringwald, Joan Jett, and Sting to make this joke, while Ed, um…I dunno. Grace Kelly, Aubrey Hepburn, and Rock Hudson?

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Nats release P's John Halama and Antonio Osuna and C Keith Osik. The Rangers announce they will not re-sign P Kenny Rogers. The Royals release P's Jaime Cerda and Nate Field - Cerda then is claimed by the Rockies. The Royals claim P Joel Peralta off of waivers from the Angels.

PR: Oh yeah – I am sure Jaime Cerda will be able to master Coors Field. Hopefully, his kids will appreciate the school districts.

BB: I definitely read Jaime Cerda as Jooge Cerdit this entire time. Be brave little gimmick.

ED: The Devil Rays clean house with the emergence of Stuart Sternberg as their new general partner, not only letting Mgr. Lou Piniella officially go but also firing GM Chuck Lamar and Personnel Director Cam Bonifay. Oh yeah, those are some Monster.com resumes that are gonna be hot items.

PR: Hopefully this means the Devil Rays won’t ruin our preview for the third straight year.

BB: Hey, maybe our preview can ruin the Devil Rays this year. Mmm…slanderous statements. LOU PINIELLA GOT FIRED BECAUSE HE MOLESTED RAYMOND THE MASCOT! And shouldn’t the Devil Rays mascot be some sort of icon to old people, since no kids actually go to Devil Ray games unless their grandfather takes them there? Like Wilford Brimley? Wouldn’t the Devil Rays be better if their mascot was a giant Wilford Brimley? Or a huge scroll-looking life insurance policy named ANGELOSI!

ED: MANAGER MOVEMENT!!! The Tigers fire Mgr. Alan Trammell and replace him with Jim Leyland. The Marlins move Mgr. Jack McKeon to a do-nothing front office job. The Dodgers let Mgr. Jim Tracy leave. A's Mgr. Ken Macha elects to leave the team after a contract agreement is not reached.

BB: So McKeon gets moved to a do-nothing job while Macha gets removed from his.

ED: Rangers GM John Hart resigns and is replaced by Jon Daniels. I'm certain Grady Fuson went all Beane when he heard that.

ED: Rangers P Carlos Almanzar is suspended for 'roiding. Again, steroids are really losing the performance enhancing luster in the sports world.

BB: Thank god Congress has enacted steroid legislation so those Latin middle relievers can PAY for destroying American youth. Sure, Johnny wanted to grow up and be Ricardo Rincon but now – now he knows better, because Ricardo Rincon is a JUICER.

ED: The cameraman who Rangers P Kenny Rogers attacked in June files a lawsuit. Gee, who could have seen that coming?

PR: Well clearly not RYAN. Neither would Stevie Wonder. Jose Feliciano wouldn’t either but I am sure he didn’t care. Or Ray Charles. Or Hellen Keller. Of course they are dead too. And Stuart Scott could only see it partially.

ED: AWARDS!!! Jason Giambi and Ken Griffey Jr. are named Comeback Players of the Year. It's like - hey! Do I make the 'roiding joke or the falling apart joke? What would Jooge do?

BB: Hopefully write the DTWB.

PR: At some point in time, the Phillies fired GM Ed Wade. And Fanball was not pleased.

News

The Phillies fired general manager Ed Wade on Monday after eight seasons with the team. "This was a very difficult decision. No one works harder than Ed, and he has served this organization extraordinarily well for over 16 years," team president David Montgomery told the Associated Press. "At the same time, we have not been able to achieve the goals we have set for the Phillies. As a result, I believe we have reached a point where a change is necessary."

Views

The Phillies almost squeezed into the playoffs on the heroics of their shortstop Jimmy Rollins and his active 36-game hitting streak, but even that was unable to save Wade's job. Be on the lookout for the hottest 27-year old with a mathematics degree from prestigious college in the northeastern United States as that appears to be the trend in general manager signings these days. Expect the first item of business for the new GM to be re-signing free agent closer Billy Wagner.

NFL

ED: INJURIES!!! Out for (at least) Week 5: Raiders C Jake Grove (out 3-4 weeks with a bad knee), Packers WR Terrence Murphy (out for the year with a neck injury), Bucs G Matt Stinchcomb (out for the season with a bad back), Vikings DE Kenechi Udeze (out for the season with a bad knee), Bills DT Ron Edwards (out for at least the week with a bad shoulder), Cardinals LB Gerald Hayes (out for the season with a bad knee), Packers LB Na'il Diggs (out at least 6 weeks with a MCL), Falcons QB Michael Vick (out for the week with some sort of injury south of the border)

BB: Clearly that Gerald Hayes injury has kept the Cardinals from starting 5-0.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Seahawks sign WR Jerheme Urban and P Tom Rouen. The Packers waive TE Ben Steele. The Bengals sign C/G Larry Turner. The Rams sign TE Cam Cleeland. The Packers sign RB ReShard Lee.

ED: Lions WR Charles Rogers is suspended four games for violating the league's substance abuse policy. Well, as long as he's not gay.

PR: Nor did he break his collar bone again.

BB: So he has to take steroids to keep the collarbone strong, but breaks bones when he weans himself off them. Oops.

ED: Rams head coach Mike Martz has an infection of his heart. Fortunately, this will not affect his brain. Pshew!

PR: Thank God the Giants played the Rams before he stopped coaching. Poor poor teams who are suddenly going to be playing a competent squad.

BB: HE’S TWO BEATS BEHIND OF YOU!!!

ED: Miami is awarded the Super Bowl in 2010. That's Super Bowl XLIV to you Latin folk.

BB: And GET OFF THE JUICE!!! I am waiting for Super Bowl WLAF personally.

ED: The NFL awards another five year deal to keep the NFL-E alive. ADAM VINATIERI HALL OF FAMER!!!!!!!!!!

BB: And right after I make the WLAF reference there’s a NFL Europe story. Bless you, poor confused continent.

ED: The Dolphins extend the contract of TE Randy McMichael for four years. Oh yeah, there's gonna be some baby mama-beatin' over the length of that contract.

PR: Was that for all the Latin folk too?

ED: Ending Week 4 - Monday night saw: the Panthers hold off Green Bay, 32-29.

BB: This game happened eight years ago.

WEEK FIVE!!!

ED: Detroit's all like, HEY! We're hetero young men! None of us has had any experience with prison sex! And Ray Lewis is like, Hey! Just because I experienced the love between murderous linebacker and coke dealin' running back ONCE - and ONLY ONCE - doesn't make me gay! Look at me dance! Are my dances ga-- Damn! Lions 35, Ravens 17.

PR: I haven’t bothered to find the story but supposedly Matt Millen marched into practice and yelled at the entire offense or something. I wonder if they thought if he had malice in his heart too. Poor poor little scared ref.

ED: Buffalo's all like, God why does anyone live here? Our winters are depressing. Our organization is loser central. Our best player in team history we can't acknowledge because he walked on murder charges. But at least we're not Syracuse. Or Erie. Or Cleveland. Or Pittsburgh. And Miami's all like, HAH! Comparing yourself to those cities is like comparing your looks with the kid from MASK or something. And then JP Losman cried because deep down he knows he' really more Elephant Man than MASK kid. But that didn't matter anyway since Kelly Holcomb was the Bills QB and he was like, ya know, Buffalo IS better than being in Cleveland. Buffalo 20, Miami 14.

BB: Trust me, you would rather be in Buffalo than anywhere else off of the unfortunate tundra that is the New York State Thruway. You’re even taunted by the fact that it’s farthest away, and there are little awful cities on the way that might be better. “Ooh…Binghamton! Rochester! We could just stop there!” Trust me kids. Don’t.

ED: The Saints are a teenage kid at the funeral of one of his grandparents hoping that some girls from school hears about the situation and he can score some mercy sex. Unfortunately, mercy sex is a myth like snipe hunting. Though I'm certain Brett Favre makes his WR's go out snipe hunting with him when any receiver asks for more money. Packers 53, Saints 3.

PR: My Mom was like “aww…. Poor New Orleans. After all they have been through.” She then told me she found Tom Brady attractive. Yeah – this wasn’t a good weekend visit from my folks.

ED: Here's a sports world truisim - Good things happening from bad situations really are much-much-much more horrible things in disguise. Like Parcells winning with veterans for a couple of years then jumping from the organization when the old become ancient, the Jets even winning one game with Vinny will set back the entire Jets organization at least a year. I hope Ricky Ray is still chuckling. Jets 14, Bucs 12.

BB: God I could not put enough money on the Jets losing this weekend. Neither can you. Matthew McConaughey would approve.

ED: I would explain the nuances of the Midwest here, and how Chicago and Cleveland are the hot spots for the Slavic/Eastern European Midwest while most of the rest of the Midwest is far more Anglo/Teutonic and how there are major differences between the factions but Bill and Phil would just laugh at me and I don't care...much like I have no care at all about this game. Browns 20, Bears 10.

PR: Well the NFL clearly hates the Midwest too.

ED: ADAM VINATIERI HALL OF FAME CLUTCH KICKING GOD: A Book By Bill Simmons. "Once upon a time, after I found myself chafed and stuck to a bloody red sock, I noticed what I thought to be the back of Peter King's head..." Pats 31, Falcons 28.

BB: Boo. Rippa did that better.

ED: "See, Mike Martz doesn't suck because...umm...God. How stoned was I when I came up with that piece in Prospectus?" Seahawks 37, Rams 31.

BB: It’s all that yelling that made his heart sick.

ED: To think that Houston is responsible for the Titans, the Texans and the Bush's must make us all reconsider where America needs to consider nuke testing. Titans 34, Texans, 20.

PR: Earl Campbell will always be their get out of jail free card with me.

ED: I remember being fresh out of college and not being very good at my job. Of course, my job sucked, I got barely above minimum wage for it and I didn't care if I was good at it or not. Alex Smith is like my twin or something. Colts 28, 49ers 3.

PR: So Alex Smith has a summer home in Ohio? Knows where to find the main prospect screen? Will be purchasing a Honda Element?

BB: Requires almost-constant training?

ED: So, you lose to a hapless Raiders team one week then stomp a legit Super Bowl contender the next. Nice. I'm certain that keeps Parcells' cardiologist on the golf course and stuff. But that doesn't mean the Cowboys are for real or anything. Cowboys 33, Eagles 10.

PR: The Cowboys play the Giants. They can be contenders for another week. Stupid football.

ED: I remember back a zillion years ago when metal was king and everyone wore concert tees all the time - whether they went to the concerts or not. And like, say, someone would wear, like, an Iron Maiden shirt for example. And the concert tees would have a listing of all the places set for the tour and there would be the usual list of blue collar towns but somewhere in the middle would be an inepxlicable place - like, say, Provo, Utah for example. And I'd just think - now why would a tour manager schedule that and what venue in Utah would book an Iron Maiden or Judas Priest or something? Is that just a joke on the shirt or do they just schedule those shows to see how many mothers they could get to picket before they obviously cancel the show due to no ticket sales? Judas Priest-Iron Maiden. Carolina-Arizona. What's the difference, really? Panthers 24, Cards 20.

BB: Clearly Ed doesn’t live in a place where someone my age is wearing a RAMONES t-shirt every day because they’re in stock at Urban Outfitters. FREE CBGB’S!!! EVERLAST SAID SO!!!! Oof…

ED: Mmm, brains. Zombies need brains. Denver 21, Washington 19.

PR: Thankfully the Linebacker #56 story has distracted everyone from how much the refs clearly hate the Skins and Joe Gibbs and Jesus.

ED: No. I didn't watch the Cincinnati-Jacksonville. I'm sure it was thrilling. The NFL always is. Yep.

PR: Well Chad Johnson did cry.

CFL

ED: Hamilton signs RB Howard Jackson and trades RB Troy Davis and OL Dan Comiskey to Edmonton for WR Brock Ralph, DB Tay Cody and a 2006 draft pick.

PR: That’s a whole lotta names that would appear in a video game where the designers couldn’t get the officially license so they made fake names really close to the real names of the players.

BB: You just ruined my Bing Chavez FPOTM.

WEEK SIXTEEN!!!

ED: Ottawa kills Hamilton, 43-21. Sadly for the CFL, both of these teams still have dim shots at the playoffs. Which makes even the San Diego Padres laugh.

ED: Anthony Calvillo carries the Als all by himself as Montreal holds off Saskatchewan, 38-34.

ED: The CFL hates on us by playing a couple of games Monday. You know how to get to tsn.ca.

PR: Canada clearly doesn’t believe in giving Columbus credit for discovering North America either.

NCAA

ED: This year's Sugar Bowl is moved from New Orleans to Atlanta. Businesses on Peachtree Street have begun making plans to operate underwater.

ED: PENN STATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PR: Aww… Ed’s not going to say anything mean about Joe Pa this year.

ED: Mmm, TROUBLE LIST!!! Tennessee basketball player Jemere Hendrix is dismissed from the program after getting arrested on a pot possession charge. Memphis basketball player Jeremy Hunt is dismissed from the program after being arrested on demestic assault charges. Rhode Island basketball player Dawan Robinson is suspended after being arrested on disorderly conduct charges. NC State's baseball team is being investigated for fighting with an entire Delta Sigma Phi house.

PR: Aww… so NC State immediately becomes my favorite team. Stupid frats.

SOCCER

PR: Ehh… I will recap all the WCQ stuff next week. Stupid Ireland.

NBA

ED: Hey! NBA training camps have opened! Phil eagerly awaits Isiah Thomas' next dumb move!

PR: Eddy Curry come on down!!!!

BB: HE’S TWO BEATS BEHIND YOU TOO!

NHL

ED: Hockey season starts! The five American fans remaining try to find out if they have the Outdoor Life channel.

PR: I am not kidding. It took me a good period or so to get used to watching hockey on TV again. And in the first week, I have already watched more Rangers games than I did in like the last 3 seasons.

BB: Sweet sweet HD. Welcome back to my heart hockey.

OTHER

ED: That story last week about the New Orleans VooDoo being disbanded and players sent wandering throughout the league? Yeah. Never mind that. The VooDoo is getting moved to Kansas City. Can Dick Vermeil cry indoors? Oh. Right. He's already done that.

PR: Well its not like the AFL disbanding teams is the most unheard of thing in the world. Aww… memories of the days when DC was supposed to get a team.

ED: Mark Martin wins the Banquet 400. Does NASCAR understand that no one's paying attention to them now that football season's started?

ED: Crew chief for Tony Ranes, Glenn Darrow is suspended for violating NASCAR's substance abuse policy. “Honest, chief! All I've been snorting is snuff!”