The Week That Was
(10/9/06 - 10/15/06)
ED: Ed Agner : JS: Justin Slotman: PR: Phil Rippa : JF: Joe Friesen
ED:  So…uhh…hear anything about Cory Lidle?

JS: Well--I heard a Christa McAuliffe joke back in the second grade that I could easily adapt to Cory Lidle.

PR: I am sure I can adapt my TRUE YANKEE PILOT joke for the Challenger or Columbia disasters too.

JF:  Oh, hee hee hee!  Hee hee!  Oh, hee hee hee!

MLB
ED:  Yeah…Cory Lidle…yeah.  We should have just posted the IM conversation Phil and I had that afternoon.

PR: Or the emails that we exchanged. Poor poor dealing with awkward situations the only way we know how.

JF: DUHR YOU PEOPLE WHO CALLED HIM A SCAB SHOULD BE SO ‘SHAMED DUHR HEH HEH THURMAN MUNSON SEZ HI NOWHUTAHMEANVERN?

ED:  Former Red Sox player and Boston College coach Eddie Pellagrini dead at 88.  Former Phillie Johnny Callison dead at 67.

ED:  PLAYOFFS!!!  The Tigers win the ALCS.  They wait to meet the winner of the Mets-Cards series (now tied at 2).  World Series begins Saturday, 10/21.

JF:  Crickets.

ED:  Joe Torre is fired!  Whoops!  Joe Torre is not fired.  Yeah, the fact that ESPN is the only organization in the world that things the NY Post is a credible source pretty much tells you all you need to know about ESPN.

JF: Or the NY Post.

PR: THEY ARE THE WORLDWIDE LEADER!!!! WHO ARE YOU TO DOUBT THEIR JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY?!?!?!?!

ED:  COACHING MOVES!!!  The Reds fire hitting coach Chris Chambliss. The White Sox fire 1B coach Tim Friggin’ Raines

PR: I was going to try and formulate a joke here but the Reds mlb.com has – on it’s front page – IS AARON HARANG CY YOUNG BOUND?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I can’t even touch that.

JF:  Aaron Harang was really good this year, Phil.  Though I say that just based on a quick look at his stats… what, you think I regularly watch Reds games er something?

ED:  Speaking of those getting canned – FOX!!! fires baseball analyst? Steve Lyons for making a “racially insensitive” remark about Lou Piniella’s Latino heritage.  Oh, this is so bizarrely wonderful.  Fox firing someone for insensitivity is magnificent.

PR: They will replace him with Joe Buck because well… Fox is cruel.

JF: My Dad went to high school with Steven Lyons.  He thought Lyons a bit of a jerk, but as far as I know his wallet never got stolen, so who knows.

ED:  EARLY PLAYA MOVEMENT DECISIONS!!!  The Twins pick up the option on OF Torrrrrriiiiiii Hunter.  The A’s release DRUNK! Scott “Cy” Sauerbeck.  The Mariners release PROSPECT!!! Jesse Foppert.  Brewers C Damian Miller exercises his option for 2007 – much to tbe Brewers chagrin – and in response the Brewers release (J)Geremi Gonzalez.  The Padres release IF’s Mark Bellhorn and Manny Alexander, and P’s Scott Williamson (Bill is soooooo going to need a hug).  Oh.  And HEY!  The Reds completed that Scott Schoeneweis trade by sending the Blue Jays IF Trevor Lawhorn and then shipped P Abe Woody to the D-Backs for UTL Jerry Gil.  The D-Rays re-sign UTL Greg Norton.

PR: I am sure someone in the hopefully to be forgotten CC league still has the rights to Jess Foppert.

JF: Cee… Cee… Whutzitz?

ED:  The White Sox sell the…now get this…they sell the start times of their home games.  That’s right.  In 2007, the White Sox are going to start their weekday evening home games at 7:11.  Any guesses as to whom they sold said start times?

PR: Is the team that signs Barry Zito going to have to start their games at 4:20?

ED:  A private jet carrying Yankees CHOKER!!! Alex Rodriguez has a rough lading in Burbank.  No one is hurt.  Phil really-really needs me as an alibi now.

PR: Aww… for whatever reason I keep thinking of the SNL skit of “Jay Feely” landing the plan. I am amused by simple things.

ED:  White Sox SS Juan Uribe and his brother are being investigated by Domincan Republic authorities for allegedly shooting two men.

PR: See they were trying to defend Ugueth Urbina. Yeah, that’s what they were doing.

JF: Buh-dum-CHING.

ED:  That youth league coach who paid a player to bean his autistic teammate?  Yeah, he got one year in jail.

JF:  Who else is with me in my MORAL OUTRAGE?!  I know my man JoeB is!!

ED:  Oh, Little League baseball is now FINALLY going to check the national sex offender database for coaches involved in the Little League World Series.  I’m not certain if this puts them ahead of Canadian youth league hockey now or not.

ED:  Meat Loaf reveals he already has a plan in place to have his ashes scattered on Yankee Stadium.  Wow.  I mean, I knew the Yankee Stadium OF was too big for Bernie Williams to cover…but who knew it was THAT big?

PR: Maybe he will be the foundation for the new stadium.

NFL
ED:  Phil gets his revenge for all my Sean Casey taunting by flipping me that link about the Packers football annie who is running for Wisconsin secretary of state.  There is not enough booze to erase the nightmares caused by seeing the words “sex” and “Vince Lombardi” in the same sentence.

JF: I think I speak for me and the two other new VP kidz when I say… um, what.

ED:  Cardinals QB? Kurt Warner is now considering retirement…where he will again, undoubtedly, work as a bag boy and marry another ugly woman with a disabled child.

JS: Ah, the stockboys loved to gather around Old Kurt and listen to his stories about the League. About the time he threw for 500 yards against the Thunderbears….

PR: Brenda and Eddie Kurt were the
Popular steadies
And the king and the queen
Of the prom
Riding around with the car top
Down and the radio on
Nobody looked any finer
Or was more of a hit at the
Parkway Diner
We never knew we could want more
Than that out of life
Surely Brenda and Eddie Kurt would
Always know how to survive.

Brenda and Eddie Kurt were still going
Steaday in the summer of '75
when they decided the marriage would
Be at the end of July
Everyone said they were crazy
Brenda you know you're much too lazy
Eddie Kurt could never afford to live that
Kind of life.
But there we were wavin' Brenda and
Eddie Kurt goodbye.

They got an apartment with deep
Pile carpet
And a couple of paintings from Sears
A big waterbed that they bought
With the bread
They had saved for a couple
Of years
They started to fight when the
Money got tight
And they just didn't count on
The tears.

They lived for a while in a
Very nice style
But it's always the same in the end
They got a divorce as a matter
Of course
And they parted the closest
Of friends
Then the king and the queen went
Back to the green
But you can never go back
There again.

Brenda and Eddie Kurt had had it
Already by the summer of '75
Fromhe high to the low to
The end of the show
For the rest of their lives
They couldn't go back to
The greasers
The best they could do was
Pick up the pieces
We always knew they would both
Find a way to get by
That's all I heard about
Brenda and Eddie Kurt
Can't tell you more than I
Told you already
And here we are wavin' Brenda
And Eddie Kurt goodbye.

JF: I love all you guys so bad.  No homo.

ED:  INJURIES!!!  Bills DT John McCargo (broken foot – out indefinitely), Jags LB Mike Peterson (done for the season with a torn pec), Cards WR Larry Fitzgerald (bad hammy – out 1-5 weeks), Ravens CB Corey Ivy (out awhile with a torn kidney), Saints S Roman Harper (out for the season with a scorched knee), Panthers LB Dan Morgan (done for the season with post-concussion syndrome), Broncos DE Courtney Brown (done for the season with a scorched knee), Packers WR Robert Ferguson (foot sprain – out 4-6 weeks), Titans TE Erron Kinney (done for the season with a scorched knee)

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Pats sign WR Jabar Gaffney and release DT Johnathan Sullivan and CB Hank Poteat.  The Broncos cut P Todd Sauerbrun and sign DE Kenny Peterson.  The Dolphins release RB Lee Suggs – and get back RB Sammy Morris from the suspended list.  The Bills release TE C.J. Leak and S Troy Vincent and sign T Randy Hand.  The Jags sign CB Ahmad Carroll.  The Rams sign LB Isaiah Kacyvenski.  The Vikings sign WR Bethel Johnson and cut 3B Drew Henson.  The Saints sign S Jay Bellamy.  The Redskins sign K Nick Novack.  The Jets cut CB Derrick Strait and sign CB Hank Poteat.  The Steelers sign LB Chad Brown.  The Cowboys cut K Shaun Suisham.

PR: Apparently the Jets will sign anyone that at least spent one day with the Patriots. Since New England is not run by idiots so they will obviously take advantage of this.

JF: Word does not like that second sentence, Phil.  Just so’s yuh know.  I do, though.

ED: FINES!!!  Cards CB Antrel Rolle is fined $12.5K for trying to decapitate Chiefs RB Larry Johnson.  For those keeping score at home, that’s almost a kick and a half in the jimmy.

PR: I am so horribly horribly confused. Kick in the jimmy equals 5K. 5K + 5K + 2.5K = $12.5K. How is that almost a kick and a half? IT IS A KICK AND A HALF! I mean my algebra scores sucked but I think I got that right. I am stupid in many single ways but I would like the tiniest of triumphs.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!!  Lawrence Phillips gets 20 years for vehicular assault.  Chargers LB Steve Foley is charged with DUI in that whole getting shot incident.  

FINISHING OFF WEEK FIVE

ED:  The Broncos out-dull the Ravens 13-3.  Christ, I couldn’t watch but 5 minutes of that.

JS: But hey—this Monday is Cards-Bears! That should….liven things…..up…..

PR: Nope – not going to go to Vegas with Justin any time soon.

JF: Every Broncos game thus far has been on TV here.  Normally I’d be excited about this, but the Broncos have turned into the most BORING team in the NFL this year, and I just kinda wish I had that time in my life back.

WEEK SIX!!!
ED:  Detroit is more HETERO!!! than an old folk’s home!  Lions 20, Bills 17.

PR: THE LIONS WON!!! IT’S ALL PART OF MATT MILLEN’S PLAN!!! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY CONSIDER FIRING THIS MAN!!!

ED:  Hey!  Steve McNair’s vagina is now in his head and neck!  Panthers 23, Ravens 21.

JS: Air McNair could not possible beat the annual awakening of Jake Delhomme.

PR: http://www.veteranpresence.com/2006NFL/bal.jpg WE ARE SEERERS!!!! PAY US INTERNET!!!

ED:  The Bengals are SCREWED!!! by the ghost of Chris Simms’ spleen!  Bucs 14, Bengals 13.

ED:  TO!!!  SCORES 3 TD’s!!!  SUICIDE WATCH OVER!!!  Cowboys 34, Texans 6.

JS: The Bill Parcells suicide watch, that is.

ED:  Aww, Michael Vick still cannot beat a team with any semblance of a pass rush.  Giants 27, Falcons 14.

PR: I like how over the years the Giants could never beat the Falcons when Vick was hurt but suddenly Vick plays and the Giants win. Hmm… there might be something to that. God, if only I could put my finger on it.
 
ED:  New Orleans is now the greatest city in the world!  Saints 27, Eagles 24.

JS: Every Saints game is a Very Special Episode of National Football League football.

ED:  MOUSTACHED GENIUSES >>>>> JESUS!!!  Seahawks 30, Rams 28.

PR: I am filled with such fantasy bitterness right now because the person I was playing had Torry Holt who produced 35 POINTS!!!! 35!!! I mean the guy had David Carr who gave him a -2 yet Holt had THIRTY FIVE!!!! Stupid $50 entry fee.

ED:  Poor poor Raven Mack.  Titans 25, Redskins 22.

PR: Thank you Lord for the little moments in life.

ED:  THE GREATEST QB EVER DESTROYS THE GREATEST DEFENSE EVER!  Pittsburgh 45, KC 7.

JS: And thank you, CBS, for showing three quarters of this contest. We all need at least an hour a week to bask in the Steelers’ greatness.

PR: I thought that was why Jerome Bettis was on the NBC pregame show thingy.

ED:  Hey!  Cripple fight!  Jets 20, Dolphins 17.

JS: [simmons] PENNINGTON! HARRINGTON! IT’S THE NFL ON CBS! [/simmons]

ED:  God, you could not pay anyone enough to watch this.  Chargers 48, 49ers 19.

JS: Yeah, I think Temple-Akron games get better ratings.

JF:  A general response to everything in this section:  Does anyone remember when I was all like “Let’s just start the season GOSH I’m tired of this preseason stuff!”  I’d like to retract that right now.

Sunday Night
ED:  Yep.  The Raiders are playing for that #1 overall pick, alright.  Stupid Laura Quinn.  Broncos 13, Raiders 3.

JS: Yeah--the primetime NFL schedule has not helped Disney out at all.

PR: IF ONLY THEY COULD PICK THE GAMES!!!! Oh wait…

JF: Every Broncos game thus far has been on TV here.  Normally I’d be excited about this, but the Broncos have turned into the most BORING team in the NFL this year, and I just kinda wish I had that time in my life back.

CFL
Finishing up WEEK SEVENTEEN!!!!!

JS: The Als got off the schneid and beat the Riders at home, 35 to 8.

JS: Argos 28, Eskimos 23 in Toronto. RICKY WILLIAMS IS INVINCIBLE! Ricky Ray….not so much.

WEEK EIGHTEEN!!!

ED:  LUCA CONGI!!!! kicks a last second field gold as Saskatchewan edges Montreal 27-26.

JS: Awwww…..limping into the playoffs are the beloved Als. Or—they’re just resting up! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

PR: Aww… the CFL just lets anyone into the playoffs. It’s like the US Open Cup.

ED:  Toronto tops Edmonton 28-25 and snaps the Eskimos 35 year consecutive playoff streak.  Don’t worry, little Eskimo fans.  You can always do that funny Braves math and count this year somehow.

ED:  KEVIN GLENN!!! destroys all monsters!  Winnipeg 29, Hamilton 22.

PR: Okay – even the CFL knows it can’t let Hamilton into the playoffs. Poor poor Ed.

ED:  B.C. handles Calgary, 32-25 and clinches second place in the West.

NCAA
ED:  Toledo basketball player Haris Charalambous dead at 21 of heart failure.

ED:  31 Miami and Florida International players are suspended due to the wild riot in their Saturday night game.  Shockingly, no one was shot in the process.

JS: But don’t worry, Donna Shalala remains confident Miami is a good fit for the honorable, prestigious ACC. (All the Florida I-A schools should just form their own little conference where the brawls would just be part of the game, as they are in Floridian football.)

PR: Donna Shalala probably also thinks that the students attending Miami could figure out a butterfly ballot too.

JS: RUTGERS! 6-0! Over a decent (4-1) Navy squad. Next up: Pittstache.

ED:  Hey!  Basketball training camps started!  MIDNIGHT MADNESS!  WHEE!!!

JS: I’m going to find it hard to not do a weekly Horizon League roundup this season.

ED:  Michigan law officers arrest the man accused of stalking and sending hate emails to Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr.  Obviously, that man is not an Ohio State fan.  Nor very sane.

SOCCER
JS: SPL!!! EDINBURGH DERBY!!! Hearts tied Hibs 2-2. And Setanta was there live and I had soccer on a Sunday morning.

PR: Aww… why do you hate the FSC coverage of the number 15th and 18th teams in Serie A?

JS: EPL!!! GAH it sucks to see Manchester United back on top of the table. And poor li’l Wigan down the bottom as they lost to the evildoers this week 3-1. Chelsea kept pace by beating Reading 1-0. Yeah—it was not the week for the rags-to-riches clubs.

PR: Chelsea’s keepers had a hard time… well… staying conscious.

JS: BUNDESLIGA!!! Your usual suspects Werder Bremen, Bayern Munich and Schalke are at the top of the table. Aachen’s stay at the top was brief. Energie Cottbus went down to Borussia Dortmund. Poor poor former Soviet client state economy.

JS: LIGUE 1!!! Lyon—still unbeaten. Marseille couldn’t beat 10-man Lens. Nancy drew Le Mans 0-0. If I could make a Nancy and Sluggo joke every week for the rest of the season I would.

PR: Aww… I would request the Nancy Drew pun every week too.

JS: THE REST OF THE SOCCER WORLD!!! Oh, I have no idea.

PR: Well the MLS season is finally over. On to the playoffs. This may or may not finish by Christmas.

NBA
ED:  Stephen Jackson.  Trouble.  Something.  Blah-blah-blah.  Tie it all in with the Kicks and the Trail Blazers and you have your usual NBA section.

JS: Oh whatever, baseball lover. We have NBA PRESEASON! to wrap up! Wherein the Sixers avenged the Clippers by beating CSKA 85-71. Suns over Maccabi 119-102. Poor Maccabi isn’t going to play the Raptors again for years I’d imagine. And Efes Pilsen (Turkish league champions, and sponsored by the biggest beer company in Turkey) lost to the Nuggets and the Warriors in the same week—sort of your Hornets season preview right there.

PR: Yeah – Slotman putting in the disclaimer of who Efes Pilsen is but basically treating CSKA and Maccabi like part of our every day lexicon made my day.

JS: And according to NBA.com the Hornets are still the New Orleans-Oklahoma City Hornets. You know George Shinn is hoping the Saints keep winning, so when he does completely pull out there won’t be such an outcry. Honestly—Oklahoma City is the best place for him. He just wants a place where people are just glad to have a franchise, kind of like the sweet situation Abe Pollin’s always been in.

NHL
ED:  Red Wings C Greg Johnson retires due to a heart abnormality.  BAH.  He is in Detroit.  Tough it out.  Sean Casey would.

JS: I read on Eric McErlain’s blog that the Blackhawks only drew 8000 to a game this week. If any Ameri-Canadian sport ever needed promotion and relegation, it’s the NHL. Those are numbers Leyton Orient would kill for.

PR: Well according to the ESPN story about it – the Blackhawks play in Colorado. No wonder only 8000 people showed up. That’s a bitch of a commute.

OTHER
ED:  Kasey Kahne  won the Bank of America 500.  OK, when the hell is NASCAR season going to end?

JS: Auto racing is the background radiation of the sports universe. It’s always there, but you don’t notice it unless you’re looking for it.

JS: CAMPBELL’S CUP! USA vs JAPAN! Basically every American was subpar. At least Sasha didn’t fall down, which is sometimes enough to win in figure skating. But not this time, as she and Kimmie Meissner missed their triples and Japan was 1-2-3 on the podium. I won’t disgrace myself further by mentioning how Johhny Weir took gold in the short program. Mentioning how Belbin and Agosto took the original dance gold, on the other hand, isn’t embarrassing at all. And they’re such a cute couple and they phone their moms twice a week…..

JS: The Duke lacrosse kids were on 60 Minutes last night. I hate everybody involved with that case at this point, prosecution and defense and (now) Ed Bradley. But especially Coach K.