The Week That Was
(10/10/05 - 10/16/05)
ED: So wait! So when Mike Tice...umm...THEORETICALLY invited me to “paddle his canoe” he…he…Aww, crap!

BB: Well Ed, Super Bowl tickets don’t come cheap. Of course – at least he got laid for his Championship Game tickets.

MLB
ED: PLAYOFFS!!! ON FX!!! God, couldn't MLB at least get on the Outdoor Life channel?

    * The Astros and Cardinals are fumbling through the NLCS trying to show prove that manager moves = genius. George Will approves.
    * The ChiSox and Angels are battling it out.  The Angels are proving to be even bitterer than even Phil and I.

BB: At some point after Ed wrote this, the White Sox won. AJ Pierzynski kneed three trainers in the crotch to celebrate.

PR: And AJ became everyone’s darling catcher of the moment surplanting the Brothers Molina. No word if he was paying people for this.

ED: INJURIES!!! Angels P Bartolo Colon is out for the ALCS with…something fat related or something.

BB: I am going to hazard a guess and say – cheese was involved. Wasn’t that a Pavement song?

PR: If it was I am sure FOX turned it into a video package with bubbly neon graphics that made me die a little more inside.

PR: Oh and Wade Townsend, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' top draft pick, has a torn ligament in his right elbow. Aww… and the D-Rays problem is their name. Right…

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Rockies claim C Miguel Ojeda off of waivers from the Mariners.

BB: Miguel Ojeda – for when you thinking you’re getting Miguel Olivo (they were even traded for each other). Of course, you could also probably say “Miguel Olivo – for when you think you’re getting Miguel Ojeda”.

PR: And if I actually wanted Nelson Santovenia, do I get both?

ED: As Phil told you about last week, the Phillies fire GM Ed Wade. Realize, this is a man who employed Larry Bowa. No weeping here.

BB: That makes it eleven straight superiors who have been fired shortly after employing Larry Bowa, all the way back to Dave Slaney, manager of the Wisteria-area Denny’s where Bowa worked at 16 trying to save up money for a car to impress the girl he had a crush on. Bowa worked there for two months until he finally saw the red mist and was fired. The incident report is a little murky, but apparently, someone threw a French fry they were handed back at him, only for Bowa to pull the driver out of the car and start smashing his head with the drive-thru window until he was pulled away by Slaney, who was also fired afterwards and committed suicide after losing his only job shortly thereafter.

BB: While Larry Bowa is an idiot and would never work in a Denny’s, that story is entirely true (with all the names changed) by the way.

PR: So Larry Bowa is actually who? Jim Fregosi? Nick Leyva? Charlie Manuel? Dallas Green? Lee Elia? Pat Corrales? Terry Francona? Gene Mauch? Paul Owens? John Vukovich? John Felske? Gary Varsho?

ED: MORE MANAGING/COACHING/GM MOVES!!! The Pirates hire Jim Tracy as their new manager. As long as he wants to continue the Pirates fine tradition of tussling with the Cardinals, I have no beef. Oh yeah, VP.com favorite LLOYD MCCLENDON!!! is hired as a coach by the Tigers. Yankees pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre resigns - and is bitter. The O's kick executive VP/co-GM Jim Beattie to the curb and give all responsibility to co-GM Mike Flanagan. The O's give interim manager Sam Perlozzo the full-time gig of steering that rust-bucket. Bob McClure is hired as the Royals pitching coach just to make Phil and I feel even older. Oh yeah, Ken Macha? He's the A's manager again/still.

BB: Lloyd McClendon was hired to work with Jim Leyland so apparently the Tigers plan is to build their coaching staff through Pirates managers, for some reason. Gene Lamont is just going to show up and assume he has a job. Chuck Tanner isn’t dead, is he? Wait – who’s Chuck Tanner?

PR: Oh yeah – Bill stealing Chuck Tanner from me without even knowing who he is hurts. But Leyland hiring basically all old Pirates is pretty amazing. Besides McClendon, it was Andy Van Slyke, Don Slaught and Rafael Belliard. All that left is a pitching coach (BTW – Don Slaught being the hitting coach is pretty giggle inducing too but I will save that for Spring Training when Ed and I talk about lost youth). That means the candidate pool has to include: Zane Smith, Doug Drabek, Denny Neagle, Steve Cooke, Randy Tomlin, Bob Walk, Rick Reuschel, Bob Kipper, Cecilio Guante, Rick Rhoden, Mike Bielecki, John Smiley, Hipolito Pena, Logan Easley, Brian Fisher, Dave LaPoint, Rick Reed, Morris Madden, John Cangelosi, Danny Darwin, Steve Parris, Alejandro Pena, Jeff Ballard, Ravelo Manzanillo, Stan Belinda, John Candelaria, Joel Johnston, Jerry Don Gleaton, Blas Minor, Jim Gott and Bill Landrum.

ED: Angels prospect Brandon Wood homers four times in an Arizona Fall League game. For the people already tired of the Angels…well…get used to them. They are stacked.

BB: Wood is a shortstop. He hit 43 homers last year. Orlando Cabrera may have hit 43 homers in his entire career. That is scary.

ED: Cubs SS Nomar Garciaparra saves two women from drowning in Boston Harbor. The jokes here are too numerous to list. Mostly because we are lazy.

BB: I took a poll of my friends asking them what would have happened if other Red Sox infielders had attempted to do this and I got the following responses:

-    Renteria: Would have caught the women but then thrown them away into the water
-    Pokey: Would have caught the women but had them knocked out of his hands
-    Bellhorn: Wouldn’t have batted an eye
-    Youkilis: Would have sank
-    Millar: Would have jumped after the girls but hit on them in the water – “I saved you that means I get to touch your boobs right????” – and they would’ve drowned themselves.

PR: Would Millar then blame it on the ladies not booing Curt Schilling?

NFL
ED: INJURIES!!! Packers RB Najeh Davenport (done for the season with a broken ankle), Saints RB Deuce McAllister (done for the season with an ACL), Texans WR Andre Johnson (out indefinitely with a calf injury), Browns WR Braylon Edwards (out 4-8 weeks with an infection in his right arm), Steelers QB Tommy Maddox (out 3-4 weeks with a bad calf), 49ers LB Jeff Ulbrich (done for the season with a biceps tear), Seahawks CB Andre Dyson (out 2 weeks with a hammy), Seahawks WR Darrell Jackson (out 4-6 weeks with a bad knee), Browns RB Lee Suggs (out a month with a broken thumb - Jon Jansen laughs), Steelers CB Ricardo Colclough (out this week with a bum shoulder), Falcons LB Ed Hartwell (Achilles) and CB Chris Cash (broken arm) are done for the season, Vkings WR Nate Burleson (shoulder/knee) and CB Brian Williams (knee) to miss this week, Bucs S Jermaine Phillips (broken thumb - out at least this week), Giants CB Will Peterson (out 4-6 weeks with a bad back)

BB: “4-6 weeks”. Right Ed. Will Peterson is toast. Someone needs to get ON that Braylon Edwards infection story stat since there has to be something good behind that. Darrell Jackson needs to avoid having his knees come in contact with his stone hands since I don’t think they can take the stress.

PR: It’s a good thing Tommy Maddox has insurance since Jesus has clearly abandoned him.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Saints trade a conditional draft pick to the Dolphins for RB Jesse Chatman. The Eagles sign LB Zeke Moreno and re-sign WR Darnerien McCants. The Bucs sign RB Ian Smart. The Dolphins release P Matt Turk. The Bears release K Doug O'Brien and sign K Robbie Gould. The Cardinals release QB Rohan Davey. The Rams release S Michael Hawthorne.

BB: The Eagles have signed McCants like four times this year. It’s really weird. I’m not sure who Doug O’Brien is – maybe Doug Brien’s Irish cousin who got cut from Shamrock Rovers or something – but the Bears cut Doug Brien this week. Rohan Davey apparently is officially not the new hotness anymore. Maybe he has Ricky Ray’s agent.

PR: Doug O’Brien might possibly the worst sounding Gaelic name ever. Well except for maybe Niall Quinn.

ED: Rams coach Mike Martz is out indefinitely now with an infection around his heart. Rams chances over the next few weeks greatly improve.

BB: This MUST be the work of terrorism.

ED: The Vikings hire Jerry Rhome and Foge Fazio as consultants to help turn the team around. Yeah, Foge Fazio has often been confused with Randy Moss.

BB: When I think of Foge Fazio in my head I envision him being this four foot albino defense dwarf. Of course, he still gave up 55 points to Kerry Collins in the NFC Championship Game. EMMANUEL MCDANIEL BABY!!

ED: Sixteen or 17 Vikings players - and mostly CB Fred Smoot - are under investigation by Minnesota authorities for allegedly renting a boat for an orgy. Aww, who said Fred Smoot can't cover?

BB: How did no one pick up on 20 random women being flown into the Minnesota area on one-way tickets? Isn’t there some sort of watch list for this?

PR: Maybe they were supposed to be in a Prince video? Was Apollonia their contact? I skewed very very old with that reference, didn’t I?

ED: Hey! Ricky Williams is back! Anyone care?

BB: Some Berkeley students?

PR: The other Ricky Williams, who has to be hoping that the NFL sends Pot head Williams check to the wrong address.

ED: FINES!!! Bucs CB Ronde Barber is fined $30K for punching a ref. Ravens LB Terrell Suggs and S Ed Reed both fined $15K for bumping/shoving refs. Mmm, malice in heart.

PR: Aww… Tiki was Mama Barber’s favorite son for this week.

ED: Bill Romanowski reveals he took steroids and human growth hormones he got from BALCO. SHOCK!

BB: Oh, Andrea is going to be sore.

ED: Former Cowboy Dwayne Goodrich is ordered to start his 7 ½ year sentence for hit and run. Ahh, Cowboys and cars.

PR: Leonard Little really must have gotten a laugh out of this story.

ED: Terrell Owens horks off his teammates by leaving last weeks' Eagles-Cowboys game wearing a Michael Irvin jersey. Owens states that Irvin was his favorite player and he was showing tribute. The Eagles should just be happy Owens didn't decide to show tribute by getting caught in a hotel room with crack and whores.

BB: Is this some weird Jorge outtake or something?

PR: Is Jorge some weird Jooge outtake?

ED: The end of Week 5 saw: the Steelers knock off the Chargers 24-22 on Monday night.

BB: Ben Roethlisberger got hurt which makes me very happy. PASTY SAVIOR!

PR: Oh yeah – this will lead to some more angry letters to EA. HOW DARE HE NOW BE INJURY PRONE!!!!

WEEK SIX!!!
ED: Atlanta pulls it out late against the soggy Saints, 34-31.  Proving yet again that caring about Katrina victims is sooo September.

PR: Jim Haslett swore a lot and is going to get fined. I am trying to figure out which columnist is first to the “How could the NFL fine someone from New Orleans?” column. Lupica seems to be a safe bet.

ED: Cincinnati holds off Tennessee, 31-23.  It really is a shame that there's none of that there football here in the Midwest.

BB: Well, I mean, y’all are too busy having race riots. Pretty pretty red state.

ED: Jacksonville stuns Pittsburgh in OT, 23-17.  I felt like complete dog turd this weekend.  I am thankful the Football Gods didn't bury me with this crap fest too.

BB: I sliced my finger open this weekend and cat food wasn’t even involved. Ouch.

ED: The Bears whip the Vikings, 28-3.  Yeah, those Vikings...yeah...that's a '93 Mets-esque mess in the making.

BB: Can we sponsor their football-reference page yet?

ED: Tears > Jesus as the Chiefs top the Redskins, 28-21.

BB: Lavar Arrington does not appear on the field. Now has more tackles in an Eastern Motors uniform this year than in a Redskins one. Don’t worry Lavar. Your job is still your credit.

PR: Yup – that’s in my head for the rest of the week.

ED: Carolina tops Detroit, 21-20.  Mmm, the NFL's cure for insomnia.  

BB: But FootballOutsiders told me Kevin Jones would be the NFL’s greatest rusher!!

PR: Was that before or after they “borrowed” our content?

ED: The Ravens stab the Browns repeatedly outside of a nightclub, 16-3.  No Fun League indeed.

BB: Not For Leisure?

ED: Tampa Bay's cripples > Miami's regulars, 27-13.  Yay!  Parity!  Paul Tagliabue is a genius!

BB: Did this make anyone anywhere even the slightest bit happy? Can we can cancel football yet?

PR: I am guessing Phil Simms was happy

ED: Dallas makes Phil and Bill even more bitter by taking the Giants in OT, 16-13.

BB: God this was brutal.

PR: I… ummm… yeah…

ED: Buffalo - like the rest of America - laughs at the Vinny II Experience, 27-17.

BB: There’s a reason I wanted to bet my life on this.

ED: You know what would make the rest of the world fear America again?  Nuke testing.  Like in, say, Denver, when the Broncos beat the Pats, 28-20.

BB: You mean smug testing?

ED: San Diego manhandles the Raiders, 27-14.  Buh-bye, Norv.  Hate to see you go but I loathe to see you in Oakland.  So vamos, muchacho.

BB: And Randy is hurt. Oh yeah – he is rushing to come back.

PR: Aww… and you won’t even get Matt Leinart. Poor poor crappy Texans.

ED: Houston-Seattle. No one cares.

PR: Clearly not anyone in the Houston organization.

CFL
ED: Playa movement! The Argos sign DE Karon Riley.

ED: The Montreal Alouettes are launching a private funding initiative to expand their stadium. God, I hope a Canadian battered women's shelter buys one of those bricks in Lawrence Phillips' honor.

PR: Well if they got everyone who Lawrence Phillips’ abused to buy a brick they would have enough for a stadium and a few housing projects.

WEEK SEVENTEEN!!!

ED: Henry Burris returns to help Calgary whip Hamilton, 34-17.  God I loathe football.

ED: Edmonton clinches a playoff spot in edging Saskatchewan, 19-18.

ED: Montreal stuns BC on a last second TD, 46-44.

ED: Toronto takes Winnipeg on a last second field goal, 35-32.

NCAA
ED: Penn RB Kyle Ambrogi commits suicide.

ED: Time Inc. settles a lawsuit with former Alabama head coach Mike Price over a story Sports Illustrated ran recounting his wild night at a Florida strip club. Time Inc. then asks that the settlement be thrown out since the agreement reached in the settlement was that Price and his attorney's were to say nothing about this settlement. C'mon, just give up more stripper stories and cut out with all the legal jazz.

ED: Duke basketball coach Mike KsomethingIcan'tspell is named basketball coach for the 2008 Olympics. Dick Vitale seen buying more hand cream.

BB: Oh I think Dick is just going to rub his head and his Grant Hill authentic and that should get him plenty moist. No truth to the rumors he is actually the receiver from Goatse.

ED: MIDNIGHT MADNESS!!! Whee!

BB: Well, it’s exciting when you get to stay up till midnight in the Midwest.

PR: Fagabefe?

ED: Penn State is investigating complaints by the National Center of Lesbian Rights that head women's basketball coach Jennifer Harris discriminates against lesbians. Wow! I…doesn't Penn State have a good basketball women's program? How the - Wha? Huh? Not that I am in any way insinuating that good women basketball players are lesbians or anything.

SOCCER
PR: 27 Teams are now qualified for the 2006 World Cup
• Angola
• Argentina
• Brazil
• Costa Rica
• Croatia
• Ecuador
• England
• France
• Germany
• Ghana
• Iran
• Italy
• Ivory Coast
• Japan
• Mexico
• Netherlands
• Paraguay
• Poland
• Portugal
• Saudi Arabia
• Serbia & Montenegro
• South Korea
• Sweden
• Togo
• Tunisia
• Ukraine
• United States

PR: Oh yeah – this is shaping up to be a goofy goofy amazingly fun event.

PR: The draws for the three European Play-Off spots were made.
Czech Republic vs. Norway
Spain vs. Slovakia
Turkey vs. Switzerland

The other two remaining playoffs are
Uruguay vs. Australia and Trinidad & Tobago vs. Bahrain.

PR: Oh yeah – this so has the potential of getting even goofier

NBA
ED:  Atlanta Hawks C Jason Collier dead at 28.

ED: OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! LeBron James is hospitalized for chest pains! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD!

BB: These are equally important stories.

ED: Pistons C Darko Milicic arrested for DUI. Yeah, had to drink away all that pressure from playing all those minutes.

BB: That rules. Larry Brown would have suspended him for three months.

NHL
ED:  Brett Hull retires.  C'mon.  No one retires in hockey.

BB: Literally no one cares.

PR: I would guess Bobby Hull was pretty pissed “You made me unretire number because…?”

ED: The Professional Hockey Players' Association - the union representing about 1300 minor league hockey players - threatens to sue the NHL over the new collective bargaining agreement, citing that the agreement limits the earning potential of minor league players. Jeez, and they at least had a job last year.

BB: Well, they could always go play in the WHA.

PR: I swear to God at first I thought Bill was referring to a women’s league that I had never heard off. Still – both leagues were figments of my imagination.

ED: Steve Moore's lawsuit against Todd Bertuzzi is thrown out of the Denver courts since the hit happened in Canada and all parties responsible are based in Canada. So much for Moore getting big American dollars.

BB: Sad sad sad.

OTHER
ED: Jimmy Johnson wins the UAW-GM Quality 500.  God, when does NASCAR season end?

PR: Oh yeah – Ed clearly didn’t read anything about this race. Since everyone blowing out their tires and the remaining guys driving like they were checking out the ladies in the grandstand is still making me laugh.

ED: Paul Westhead named head coach of the WNBA's Phoenix Mercury. Yeah, that fast break offense is going to work well in an under the rim league.

PR: This is going to be amazing. Talk about blowing out tires. Whatever surgeon the WNBA has on retainer is going to be very busy this offseason.

ED: Michelle Wie plays in her first professional tournament. We will in no way tie this to that Penn State item up above. Nosir.

PR: She was ratted out by a reporter from SI. Did they get permission from Rick Reilly first?

ED: A Jesuit magazine with close ties to the Vatican condemns boxing as a ``legalized form of attempted murder.'' Wow! Wait 'til they catch wind of the Baltimore Ravens.