THE WEEK THAT WAS
(10/17/05 –
10/23/05)
PR: God, why did I
agree to start this? I hate sports. Oh and on an aside – Al Roker getting wiped
out by the Hurricane this morning is so the funniest thing I have seen in a
long long time… well except for the QVC guy and the ladder.
ED: I even worked Saturday and had plenty o’ time
to do this and yet Phil wanted to lead off this week. Phil will now go the Jeter route and tell us
he’s no lead off hitter anymore.
BB: I guess that’s
better than the Tony Fernandez route. Or the Chuck Knoblauch route.
MLB
PR: The Houston
Astros eliminated the St. Louis Cardinals in 6 games and then that there World
Series started. So close to not having to listen to Tim McCarver for several
months. Oh and most of
ED: Yeah.
And if you see our half…hearted WS Preview you will notice that we
apparently have done our best to jinx the Stros. Sorry,
BB: What, does not
paying attention make the Astros more likely to lose? Sucks to be them then.
Cause god knows I am uninterested enough.
PR: The Mets Felix
Heredia is suspended 10 games for the steriods. To borrow a line from Ed – I
think this officially kills roids rep as “performance enhancing”
ED: I smell bitterness. Pungent-pungent bitterness.
BB: Indian food…diaper…oh
yeah. Coasting this week.
PR: The Baltimore
Orioles hired Leo Mazzone away from the Braves to be their pitching coach.
Clearly this means the Os will begin to sign washed up starting pitchers... oh
wait a sec. And the Detroit Tigers hired Chuck Hernandez in the mother of all
let downs.
ED: Ahh, Baltimore! The true test of genius!
BB:
PR: The Milwaukee
Brewers exercised their $8.5 million club option on All-Star slugger Carlos
Lee. That’s CARLOS not CLIFF. I hate myself.
ED: And remember: Scott PodSCRAPnik is more
valuable than Carlos Lee. And Kenny
Williams is not an idiot. Just check out
Primer.
BB: In all
fairness – that Keith Foulke trade at least looks a little better now since
Neal Cotts was a whole lot more valuable than Keith Foulke this year, and for a
lot cheaper.
PR: Speaking of
the Brewers, they brought one of their alums back. Dale Sveum becomes the third
base coach. Clearly
ED: Aww, Phil has no love for the least valuable
member of the 98 Yankees.
BB: Ed clearly has
some love for Clay Bellinger, I know that much.
PR: PLAYER
MOVEMENT: The following folks became Free Agents: 2B Mark Bellhorn (aww....),
LHP Carlos Hernandez, RHP Keiichi Yabu (NO LONGER PROVER FOREIGN CLOSER~!), LHP
Kelly Wunsch, RHP Giovanni
ED: Mark Bellhorn’s entering an even numbered
year. Poor reverse Saberhagen.
BB: So this year
he hits .220 with 51 homers when he plays shortstop for the Dodgers, right? That’s
how it works?
PR: MANAGER
MOVEMENT: Joe Girardi became the Florida Marlins’ new manager. I wonder if
anyone talked to Joe about Carlos Delgado’s contract. Joe Torre is staying as
manager of the New York Yankees. And Tony Pena was named as the
BB: I wonder if
the Marlins realized that they actually had to pay all of Carlos Delgado’s
contract. “Oh, we’ll just trade it to the Rockies, they love our contracts. I
hope they’re not bitter about the whole Juan Pierre thing though. Weird – why won’t
Dan O’Dowd return my calls?”
ED: Meh.
Everyone knows no-hitting infielders are the new managerial hotness.
PR: Larry Walker
retired. I am sad. The Cards purchased the contract of Rick Ankiel. I am even
sadder.
ED: Ahh, but what this means is that THE GENIUS! will
platoon Ankiel and say, John Mabry in RF and we will all chuckle but the Cards
will still win the division, further proving that there is no god.
BB: Clearly Ed does
not harbor the same crush on John Rodriguez.
PR: In the “Red
Sox request trades” Department, Manny Ramirez says he only wants to be traded
to the Angels or the Indians. And David Wells wants to be traded to the West
Coast. Good luck with that fellas.
ED: Kenny Williams is just as smart as Theo. Check out Primer, people.
BB: Seriously, don’t
listen to Ed. Get away from Primer.
PR: MLB is mad
that the latest “Got Milk?” ad parodies steroid abuse. Because that is the
biggest problem they are facing.
ED: God, can’t someone just shoot Buck &
McCarver? I know that has no bearing on
the above item, I am just throwing that out there.
PR: Former
Cleveland Indians owner Ted Bonda died at the age of 88 due to complications
from Alzheimer's disease. At least in his last years, he couldn’t remember that
he was in Ohio.
ED: That works?
NFL
PR: The Saints are
leaving New Orleans. The Saints are staying in New Orleans. The Saints are leaving
New Orleans. Clearly, John Kerry now has controlling interest in the team.
ED: That seems apt. No one cares about the Saints either.
BB: No, you’re
confused. John Kerry’s constituency is wishy washy. The Saints’ constituency
was washed away. Not the same thing.
PR: Folks done for
the year (everyone else is banged up but will still play. Stupid Randy Moss.
Stupid Hines Ward. Nope, not bitter at all): Lions WR Kevin Johnson (ACL),
Dolphins S Tebucky Jones (torn chest muscle) Raiders CB Charles Woodson and S
Derrick Gibson along with Packers RB Ahmed Green and WR Robert Ferguson all got
carted off on Sunday with ugly ugly injuries and might as well be done for the
season.
PR: All of
Minnesota continues to turn their nose up at the Vikings. Poor little Sex
Cruise. Jack Morris laughs at all of them.
ED: Kirby Puckett says to just ride it out. Minnesota courts will never convict you.
PR: Oh BTW –
supposedly last year Mike Tice challenged anyone on his team to fight him. That
is one PPV I would purchase.
ED: Even if Mike Tice sells you tickets?
BB: I would so buy
the Mike Tice Headbutt Challenge PPV.
PR: So Seattle
Seahawks Safety was collecting sea shells by the sea shore…. Err… sorry. Let’s
try that again.
PR: Tedy Bruschi
returned to practice for the Patriots. Nope, not a bad idea at all. Nope.
ED: And the answer is – yes. Peter King swallows.
BB: Who drafted
Bruschi? I thought you did, Phil. You sure seem unexcited.
PR: So Seattle
Seahawks Safety Ken Hamlin gets in a rumble outside a nightclub early Monday
morning after the Seahawks Sunday night game. Hamlin ends up with a fractured
skull a small blood clot and bruising of the brain tissue. Mike Holmgren
immediately steps up by… banning all Seahawks players and coaches from entering
Pioneer Square, the historic Seattle bar and restaurant district just north of
Qwest Field. BRILLIANT!
ED: And what have we learned from all this? Yes, don’t screw with Eddie Vedder.
BB: ATTACKED BY
THE CANDLEBOX ARMY!!!
PR: The end
of Week 6 saw the Colts rallying from
down 17-0 to beat the Rams by crippling Marc Bulger and making the creepy Mike
Martz replacement sad.
ED: Didn’t watch.
Didn’t care.
BB: ATTACKED BY
HIS OWN MUSTACHE!!!
BB: Mike Martz
also tried to call in a play to his team from the hospital and it was ignored. That’s
right: a cancer-stricken ten-year-old with no football experience is more
likely to get the playcall right than Mike Martz. Awww….
WEEK 7
PR: The NFL moves
the Chiefs/Dolphins game to Friday night to avoid Hurricane Wilma. Dick Vermeil
tries to con the league into moving the game to KC. Since he isn’t from New
York, that doesn’t fly. Since Miami is stinky – the Chiefs still win 30-20.
ED: I like how the NFL didn’t want people to miss
this game. Hey! Lets show it on the NFL Network just to make
sure the insomniacs are cared for! Yay!
PR: The CINCINATI
BENGALS!!! GREATEST TEAM IN THE AFC NORTH!!! BIG GAME!!! BAN THE MEDIA!!! SUPER
BOWL BOUND!!!! Pittsburgh Steelers 27, Bengals 13. Aww….
ED: Marvin Lewis: Defensive Genius!
PR: The San
Francisco 49ers scored 17 points. Of course the Washington Redskins scored 52.
Reggie Bush looks forward to not having to move very far.
ED: You can’t beat Jesus. You can only hope to contain him.
BB: Reggie Bush is
Jesus?
PR: Paul Edinger
kicks a Vikings record 56 yard FG to give Minnesota a miracle victory as the
Green Bay Packers coughed up another game. If only Brett Favre played defense.
ED: If Brett Favre played defense would he be
able to blame his missed tackles on everyone else too?
BB: It would just
be him being playful and thinking they were actually playing two hand touch.
PR: Yes – there
was actually a Lions/Browns game this weekend. Yes, it might as well be played
in the 50s. Yes, it was Jeff Garcia v. Trent Dilfer. Yes, R.W. McQuarters was
playing wideout for Detroit. Yes the NFL hates you.
ED: I was really sleepy Sunday. Six day weeks beat this old man down. The NFL gave me this game on one channel and
the Bengals game on the other. So
really, I want to thank the NFL for helping me out.
BB: Wow, does Ohio
suck.
PR: Well clearly
the Rams hate America as they beat the Saints. And clearly Damione Lewis hated LeCharles
Bentley’s jimmy.
BB: OH!! OH!!! I
forgot! Logan Mankins fined…wait for it…$7500!!! for kicking someone in the
jimmy. INFLATION PUNKS!
ED: One would think Jim Haslett would learn a
lesson about burning through his time outs here. One would think Jim Haslett would have
learned a lot of lessons by now. Oh
well, deflect blame by pointing at the hurricane, I guess.
PR: OH MY GOD! OH
MY GOD! OH MY GOD! Peyton Manning was able to beat the winless Houston Texans.
GREATEST QB IN THE LEAGUE!!!! SUPER BOWL BOUND!!!!
BB: NOT AS GOOD AS
THE PATRIOTS!!! VP is so a crappy bar.
ED: Yeah, one would assume that Dom Capers is
seeking out a real good realtor. Anyone
looking for a big house in Houston, there’s your hook-up.
BB: Oh, I just had
to kill that Katrina joke.
PR: The Philadelphia
Eagles get a gift-wrapped 20-17 victory of the San Diego Chargers. LaDainian
Tomlinson is held to 7 yards and has his TD scoring streak ended. MARTY BALL~!
ED: Aww, that really synopsizes Marty’s NFL
career aptly.
BB: Fire alarm
goes off at Eagles game for half hour. Millions of columnists try to link alarm
to funny, topical joke about Eagle performance. Like this one. Fail miserably. Like
this one.
PR: Bears 10,
Ravens 6. Yup, NFL still hating.
ED: And to think the NFL could have given me this
game to sleep through instead. Bummer.
BB: Holy geez football
is ugly. What am I supposed to say about THAT?
PR: Aww…. The
Cowboys sure aren’t afraid to just hand victories to their opponents. Of
course, Josh Brown can hit the clutch field goal this week. Stupid Redskins.
ED: I enjoyed FOX!!! playing up the Cowboys as
the greatest team ever in the pregame show.
If I was a betting man, I would’ve put a paycheck on the Seahawks at
that point.
BB: Poor poor
little Drew Bledsoe arm strength. Poor poor Jose Cortez.
PR: Hehehehehe….
Giants win…. Hehehehehehe
ED: CHAMP BAILEY!!! SHUT DOWN CORNER!!!
BB: Eli Manning is
the most Madden-looking quarterback I’ve ever seen. Look at the last touchdown
(since you only saw it on ESPN 8000 times and don’t remember it, clearly) – he’s
stumbling backwards, throws off his back foot as hard as possible at a receiver
who’s two yards in front of the line of scrimmage. That’s such a Madden move.
PR: Hey the
Raiders managed to make Ed happy for a week – 38-17 over the Bills. Did Wade
Phillips suddenly get rehired by Buffalo?
ED: I was impressed that Norv Turner remembered
he had LaMont Jordan for a week. Now if
he can just forget he has Kerry Collins.
BB: Well he needs
to forget that he had Charles Woodson.
PR:
ED: ESPN is just glad that they somehow didn’t
get stuck with this turd as a Sunday night game.
BB: Come on, Mike
Patrick woulda shined that one up nice. DENNY GREEN! STEVE MCNAIR! MMMMMM!
CFL
WEEK 18!!!
ED:
ED:
ED:
ED:
SOCCER
PR:
BB: The great
thing was the one Middlesborough match I’ve seen this year involved Abel Xavier
having literally the worst game I’ve ever seen a right back play – he was the
anti-Tony Sanneh-versus-Germany-in-2002. Poor poor performance enhancement.
PR: Your team is
surprisingly leading the Scottish Premier League; so what do you do hours
before you matchr on Saturday? That’s right – resign. Poor poor George Burley.
BB: He left
PR: Well David
Beckham got sent off again… all the more time to text message the ladies I
guess.
BB: Someone needs
to bring the sarcastic clap over the pond.
PR: Djurgarden
clinched the Swedish championship. Bill’s CM is proud.
BB: Sadly all the
players they have in CM have been sold by now. Papadopoulous!!!
PR: Hey – Freddy
Adu is bitter about his playing time. How cute. He confused the MLS with the
NBA.
BB: Does he not
own any suits either?
PR:
BB: Is Tedy
Bruschi insane in the membrane too?
NBA
PR: Allan Houston
retired. This of course will have no effect on the Knicks since its not like
PR: David Stern
institutes a dress code. The NBA IS SAVED!
ED: Racist.
BB: Marcus Camby
insists on having a stipend for said clothes. Originally, he is met with
astoundment until everyone realizes how expensive it is to find seven foot suits
with space built in for two knee braces.
PR:
NHL
PR: The New York
Rangers were forced to evacuate their Long Island hotel Thursday, when a man
wearing a surgical mask dumped a chemical on the floor and then drove away. Why
this chemical spill in
BB: Awww…this is
my last chance to ever defend
PR: Hurricane
Wilma forced the NHL to postpone Saturday's game between the Ottawa Senators
and the Florida Panthers. Whew. Because I am sure Floridians were having such a
tough time choosing between attending and evacuating.
OTHER
PR: Tiger Woods
and Vijay Singh miss the cut at the Funai Classic at Disney. David Duval can
not contain his laughter… which caused him to fall down.
PR: Jeff Gordan
wins the Subway 500. YEAH! SHORT TRACK RACING! That will get the folks to forget
about the NFL.
BB: Northeastern
boats crash in Head of the Charles. Poor little ex-roomate. Smoke it off, big
buddy. Smoke it off.