The Week That Was
(10/23/06 - 10/29/06)
ED: Ed Agner : PR: Phil Rippa : BB: Bill Barnwell : MM: Marc Manning : JS: Justin Slotman
ED:  All I know is that if Jason Tyner does not win the Look Again Player of the Year award, there is not justice.  And what exactly does he win?  Complimentary white sheets from Holiday Inn?  A Joe Buck throat rub?  Missouri sports hero’s stem cells?  Could he get into the Red Sox HOF with Dave Roberts?  These things will bother me.

PR: Is “Joe Buck throat rub” some sort of new slang from urban dictionary that I don’t know about. I mean I am old and married so sex is a distant memory but since I am a parent, I need to be informed and horrified.

BB: I’ll tell you who won’t be getting into the Red Sox HOF if he keeps handing out 3 million dollar contracts to Mike Timlin. Don’t get on my bad side Theo. I’ll write the Red Sox section of the 2007 MLB Preview about you if I hav…oh, right. Like I’ll be writing for VP by then. I don’t know if you know this or not, but I actually write for MSN.com.

ED:  And I want to take a moment here and, as a Midwesterner offer an apology.  First for Ohio State.  Secondly for Ohio State fans.  But also…for anyone scarred by John Mellancamp.  I’m sorry.  Really I am.  Don’t expect me to take any sort of blame for cornholing though.  I…I have no idea what that’s about.  THIS IS OUUUUUUUUR COUUUUUUNTRYYYYYYYY!!!

MLB
ED:  WORLD SERIES!!!  May never finish at this point.  Which…really…would upset no one.

ED:  I take that back.  The World Series finished Friday with the St. Louis Cardinals shocking the Tigers.  The five people who for some reason stuck to the end of that borefest were convinced that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver need wet naps at the end of this.

BB: Do the bright lights make the magnificent mullet curl up? Does it highlight the auxiliary (left-handed) genius growing out of his neck?

ED:  Oh, and speaking of the World Series, the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters win the Japanese World Series.  FERNANDO FRIGGIN’ SEGUIGNOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh, I am pantsless now!

BB: I love me some Francisco Seguignol. Unfortunately, I am not a major league GM.

ED:  MANAGERIAL MOVES!!!  Well…Joe Girardi IS NOT going to be the new Nats manager.

PR: Nor will Terry Pendleton. Apparently, neither will Tony Pena since Jim Bowden hasn’t returned his calls in two weeks. Bruce Bochy is the Giants new manager. The As are going to interview Orel Hershiser and Jamie Quirk. Aww… that is a battery that makes me feel very very old (And yes – subbing Bud Black’s name in there won’t make it any better).

BB: Rumor has it MC Bowdes wants the Neptunes to produce the Nats next year. Or maybe Swoll. I don’t know.

ED:  COACHING MOVES!!!  The Cubs hire Alan Trammell as bench coach, Mike Quade as 3B coach, Matt Sinatro as 1B coach and Lester Strode as bullpen coach.  The Brewers hire Jim Skaalen as hitting coach.

BB: Well, if they hire Buck Showalter to manage, they’ll be unbeatable three years from now.

PR: Newsday says that Donnie Baseball will be the Yanks new bench coach. Poor poor unloved Lee Mazzilli.

MM: Bruce Bochy leavin' Petco for the friendly confines of Barry Bonds' lovely leather recliner in San Francisco. No one's moustache was ever a better fit for the Bay Area scene than Bruce Bochy's. Except for John Valentin's.

ED:  I am assuming Marc meant Jose Valentin.  But hey, it’s not like anyone has seen John Valentin in years.  He may have grown the ol’ Piazza fuzz recently.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The A’s release NOT NICE!!! D’Angelo Jimenez.  The Yankees pick up the 2007 option on 1B!!! Gary Sheffield.  The Red Sox sign P? Mike Timlin to a one-year deal.  The Padres sign P Scott Strickland.

PR: Must… not… comment.

BB: If you pick up Gary Sheffield’s option, I’m pretty sure it collapses in on itself. Just a warning.

ED:  MLB and the Players Union agree to a new 5 year labor deal.  See, this wouldn’t happen if baseball had a salary…right.

ED:  The ashes of Kirby Puckett are awarded to his children.

Phil: aww... in a couple of years, his kids will some them when the get to college
Ed: hehehehehe
Ed: Ok
Ed: I think I translated that to English
Phil: yeah smoke should have been in there somewhere
Ed: hehehehehehe
Ed: yeah, that pads the WTW

BB: That’s gonna be a mighty big huka.

ED:  AWARDS!!!  Mets 1B Carlos Delgado wins the 2006 Roberto Clemente award.  (Yes, I am certain Omar Minaya touches himself every time he reads that sentence.)  Derek Jeter and Ryan Howard win the Hank Aaron Awards for the AL and NL.

BB: Is that the opposite of the Look Again Player award?

PR: Is it still necrophilia when you are touching yourself? Oh, you meant over Carlos Delgado.

ED:  The Baseball Writers Association of America requests that MLB not award the 2009 All Star game to St. Louis until the facilities are improved for the writers.  By improve, I assume they mean, not in St. Louis.

PR: What sort of improvements? Does the stadium need to be retrofitted to withstand earthquakes for when the pachyderms are attacking the pregame spread?

MM: Scribes complained so much about their boxes at new Busch Stadium, the team moved down with the rich folks where they ate shrimp and drank 'til excessively bloated. That is the true part. Len Vito was seen begging for credentials. That was the punch line.

PR: The body of Devil Rays minor league RP Erik Walker found in Virginia after his canoe capsized.

BB: If this were a speedboat, it’d be the top story on VP for weeks.

ED:  More deaths include – longtime Red Sox executive Edward F. Kennedy Sr dead at 85.  Former Astros, etc. P Joe Niekro dead at 61.

ED:  And now that the WS is over, everyone and their brother has filed for free agency.

NFL
ED:  Former Lion Bob Mann dead at 82.  Don’t worry, folks.  Matt Millen has an alibi.

PR: That he is homosexual?

BB: Well, we know he’d never get on a man.

ED:  Charlie Leigh, kick returner on the 72 Dolphins, dead at 60.

PR: Former first round pick and 2-time All American at USC, Marlin McKeever dies after developing a blot clot on his brain.

MM: Stephen Belichick gets six months probation for carrying around marijuana. If this shocks you, or even gives you pause, you've not seen Dad's cutoff ratty poncho on gameday. Bill's sweatshirt looks like it'd give you a contact high from twelve yards away.

ED:  SUSPENSIONS!!!  Raiders WR Joey Porter is UN-suspended after only serving two of his four week suspension for insubordination.  Seahawks T Sean Locklear is suspended one game for violating the league’s personal conduct policy.

BB: For about three minutes I was trying to figure out what the United Nations had to do with Joey Porter and then I finally figured it out. The Oakland Raiders are football genocide.

ED:  Aww, BUT THEY BEAT THE STEELERS!!! HOW YOU LIKE YOUR FAIR-HAIRED BIG BEN NOW, MR. FOOTBALL OUTSIDER?!?!?!?!

BB: Aww…we’ll always have Tom Brady.

ED:  INJURIES!!!  Colts DT Montae Reagor (out a week with head injuries suffered in a car wreck on the way to the Colts Week 7 game), Broncos T Matt Lepsis (done for the season with a torn ACL),  Colts S Mike Doss (done for the season with a torn ACL), Packers WR Robert Ferguson (done for the season with a foot injury), Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck (out at least 3 weeks with a sprained MCL), Giants LB #56 (done for the season with a torn Achilles), Falcons DE John Abraham ( out 3-4 weeks with abdominal surgery), Dolphins G Jeno James (out at least a week with a bum knee), Bucs CB Brian Kelly (out for the season with turf toe)

BB: Oh great, now we are stealing jokes from Football Outsiders. My jokes from Football Outsiders. I’ll never escape.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Panthers sign LB Brandon Jamison and release LB Rod Davis.  The Chargers sign LB Akbar Gbaja-Biamila.  The Chiefs sign T Chris Terry.

BB: The Chris Terry thing was great because Len Pasquarelli wrote this long piece about how Chris Terry wasn’t going to attract any interest and have to retire and literally two days later the Chiefs signed him. And even in reporting that story, he had to throw the bit about the interest being surprising. He was probably too busy putting a stink bomb in the Pro Football Talk guy’s locker or something.

PR: I am figuring that after Jeff George got signed and released by the Raiders – that gravy train was done with. I figured Len P was hitching his wagon to Will Peterson but the Eagles kinda went and ruined that too.

BB: Len P…gravy…nah.

PR: The Seahawks signing QB Gibran Hamdan and releasing WR/KR Willie Ponder is my favorite move from the week. PONDER WILL BE A FANTASY SLEEPER!!!! DIFFERENCE MAKER IN SEATTLE!!! I love it when the Giants actually look smart for once.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!!  Jags DE Bobby McCray is busted for reckless op and possession of Vicodin.  Titans LB Robert Reynolds is busted for domestic violence.  The domestic violence charges against Browns RB Ruben Droughns are dropped.  Titans CB Pacman Jones is busted for assault after allegedly spitting in the face of a Tennessee State student.

BB: No touble list no piece.

PR: Okay – now I am worried that there is a joke here involving the peace/piece synonyms and I am horrible uncool.

BB: I think those are homonyms. But piece was just a typo.

ED:  Browns O-Coordinator Maurice Carthon resigns.  Aww, he could not make Charlie Batch look like a real QB.  Yeah, that’s an offense for which to be pushed out the door.

BB: I am pretty sure Ed meant Charlie Frye but I guess he couldn’t help with Charlie Batch so much either.

PR: I am guessing Ed meant Charlie Frye there. So of course, I am not fixing it.

ED:  Like I can tell one MAC QB from another at this point.

PR: BTW – I wouldn’t have parroted Bill there if Ed understood how email works.

BB: I would just delete Phil’s comment if I wasn’t lazy.

ED:  The November 12 Giants-Bears game has been moved from a Sunday afternoon game on FOX!! to a Sunday night game on NBC.  WHEE!!  Phil and I discuss how many consecutive games straight both teams will have lost by the time November 12th rolls around.

PR: I also was going to try and guess all the other games that would be moved for the rest of the season. I proceed to give up the first week after the Bears/Giants.

ED:  The NFL approves to start having regular season games out of the country.  Sadly, I can see poor Jooge stuck with a Raiders-Texans suckfest just to make him hate life like the rest of us.

PR: I feel bad for Canada because you know they are going to get a NFC North game. Though it won’t be the Lions since Canada supports gay rights, Matt Millen feels that the US should invade and the NFL doesn’t need that bad PR.

ED:  Pat Tillman’s brother calls the war in Iraq “an illegal invasion.”  Yeah.  Umm…yeah.  Maybe, I’ll just get Joe and Bill to post some Guided By Voices lyrics here to avoid the bummer.  Unless Bill has an anaconda story involving the Fox Sports guys.

BB: Aww…you keep me out of this Guided by Voices lyric troupe old man or I’ll start photoshopping pictures of Paul Westerberg as a Wal-Mart greeter.

ED:  At this point, I would be less embarrassed to see Westerberg as a Wal-Mart greeter than I would if I actually listened to Westerberg solo albums.

ED:  Cowboys assistant coach Todd Haley is suing a Dallas-area McDonalds for $1.7 million after finding a dead rat in a salad he brought home for this wife.  Well, obviously, the salad wasn’t for Bill Parcells, that’s for certain.

ED:  The Browns are concerned that there is a staph infection problem in their locker room after the fifth Browns player comes down with staph.  Oh, yeah.  Like it’s the locker room and not the Cleveland area.

PR: Aww… this will be Maurice Carthon’s fault too.

FINISHING OFF WEEK SEVEN

ED:  It’s the end of Drew Bledsoe as we know him.  And Romo feels fine.  Giants 36, Cowboys 22.

PR: The Giants winning on Monday Night is always strange. I keep waiting for the NFL to rule that they have to play another quarter or something.

WEEK EIGHT!!!

ED:  BRETT FAVRE IS THE GREATEST QB EVER!!!  CHRIS BERMAN NEEDS NEW PANTS!!!  Those things may or may not be related.  Packers 31, Cards 14.

PR: Well once the Cardinals start playing Matt Leinart, everything will be okay… oh wait.

ED:  MICHAEL VICK CANNOT BE STOPPED BY TEAMS WITHOUT A PASS RUSH!!!  Explaining why he ran all over the Bengals.  Poor li’l Mohawk.  Falcons 29, Bengals 27.

ED:  RAY LEWIS SAYS BRING ON KATRINA!!!  HE WILL STAB HER TOO!!!  Baltimore 35, New Orleans 22.

ED:  THE BRADY QUINN BOWL!!!  Tennessee handles Houston, 28-22.  And now David Carr plans for a life in Detroit.

PR: How does one gear up for a life with the Lions? Did he stock up on KY?

ED:  Man.  Talk about your ugly.  Jacksonville 13, Philadelphia 6.

JS: That was a terrible, spiritless game. The Eagles just should have forfeited after last week.

ED:  You sure this wasn’t a preseason game?  Kansas City handles the crippled Seahawks, 35-22.

ED:  THE BEARS ARE NOW THE GREATEST TEAM IN FOOTBALL HISTORY!!!  Chicago 41, San Fran 10.

PR: Combined record of Bears opponents – 19-35. CLASS OF THE NFC!!!!

JS: Oh yeah—there’s nothing I’m looking forward to more than the inevitable 23-10 Bears loss in the NFC Championship to the Panthers or somebody. Even the annual Peyton Manning postseason disaster won’t be as sweet. Of course now the football gods will spite me for my presumptiousness.

ED:  BARBER BROTHER BATTLE ROYAL!!!  Advantage: Tiki.  Giants 17, Bucs 3.

PR: Just for the record – I started calling the Giants losing to the Titans in the 4th quarter of this game.

ED:  San Diego goes into a ‘roid rage and decapitates the Rams, 38-24.  Jesus can’t touch the sweet salvation of anabolics after all.

ED:  Hi, Mike Shanahan!  The Midwest hates you as much as you hate it.  Colts 34, Broncos 31.  ADAM VINATIERI IS THE CLUTCHIEST CLUTCH WHO EVER CLUTCHED!!!

JS: Somewhere a liquored-up kicker weeps.

ED:  OK.  So maybe Maurice Carthon was the problem.  Browns 20, Jets 13.

PR: And playing the Jets was the solution. Poor poor gang green.

BB: Now I await the Chad Pennington staph infection and then – finally – someone will be a step away from arm cancer.

ED:  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  I don’t care how the rest of the season goes now.  OAKLAND FRIGGIN’ RAIDERS!!! 20, Steelers 13.  I love you Kirk Morrison. Yes.  Yes I do.  You too, sweeet-sexy Art Shell.

JS: Wha—but the Steelers are smart and talented and wonderful and everybody loves them and terrible towels don’t make thundersticks look classy and sophisticated by comparison…..

Sunday Night

ED:  TONY ROMO IS SEXIER THAN ROGER STAUBACH!!!  Phil awaits Romo being invited to wherever his next job is.  Dallas 35, Carolina 14.

PR: At first, when Ed said “Romo” I thought he meant “Bill Romanowski” and I was like “God – I never want to be in the same state as him.” Poor poor Andrea Kramer.

BB: Awww…they may have sex a lot.

CFL
PR: I don’t know when it was announced but Nelly Furtado is performing at halftime of the Grey Cup. So cfl.ca decided to slap a big interview and photo spread of her on their main page. Aww… they are seeking the creepy Google searches.

MM: Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?

ED:  God, the fact that you even bother with cfl.ca is amazing.  Sure, it’s better than the Arena official site, but…oof.

WEEK TWENTY!!!  AND THE END OF THE REGULAR SEASON!!!

ED:  Edmonton edges Saskatchewan 20-18 in essentially a JV game.

ED:  Robert Edwards runs wild to lead Montreal to a 24-20 win over Toronto and clinched first in the East for the Als.

PR: How the bleep did Montreal still get first in the East? And to prove yet again that the NFL folks are fools, I give you Robert Edwards not being signed by the bazillion teams with running back issues.

BB: Like the Jets? And…um…the Jets?

ED:  BC tops Winnipeg, 26-16.  And so much for Milt Stegall’s dream of setting the career TD record this season too.

NCAA
ED:  Michigan football player Adrian Arrington is busted for domestic violence.  Travelle Ernest Gaines, an assistant strength coach for the LSU football team, is busted for illegally assisting agents in their quest of LSU football players.  Louisville football players Chris Vaughn and Scott Long are suspended one game for shooting a woman with a paint ball gun.

PR: Well they couldn’t shoot Bobby Petrino – it would be far too easy.

PR: Smokey – Tennessee’s bluetick coonhound mascot – is accused of biting a University of Alabama player. Insert your own taste like chicken joke here.

JS: TEMPLE WINS! And Philadelphia went mild….

JS: Rutgers is still undefeated after making fewer mistakes than UConn. USC finally lost. Boise State is still your gatecrasher. I appreciate Ed apologizing for Ohio State, by the way, though a full apology would involve most of the Big Ten and Notre Dame.

MM: Past Fresno State, Boise State has no more games they can't win. But Former-Boise-State-Coach is the new Steve-Spurrier-Quarterback. Dan Hawkins is horrible in Boulder, Dirk Koetter unerwhelms at ASU.

SOCCER
PR: Stuart Pearce wants a “managerial window” so that managers can only be fired during certain times. Aww… I will try that strategy if I ever lose a game in CM 4-0.

BB: Yeah well real managers don’t have to deal with their game crashing after 35 seasons. Stupid CM.

PR: Wisla Krakow defender Nikola Mijailovic banned for five UEFA matches for the racial abuse of Blackburn striker Benni McCarthy.

BB: He shoulda just used the Borat defense. That would be nice. Very nice.

PR: So Hertha Berlin and Stuttgarter Kickers are playing a German Cup tie and Hertha Berlin is up 2-0 and then a linesman takes a beer-filled plastic cup off his dome. Match abandoned, Hertha Berlin awarded the match and Stuttgarter expects to be fined almost all their income for the Cup which has been described by their coach as a catastrophe. But, boy, what a story the arrest Stuttgarter fan has to tell now.

BB: Maybe there is a benefit to getting Photoshopped out of stadium photos. And the Stuttgart linesman had a better night than the firefighter at the Marseille-Nice match who went to go pick up a flare that had been thrown on the field…and lost two fingers when it revealed itself to be a firebomb instead.

PR: The team formerly known as the Metrostars say that despite losing like 49 straight to DC United, they aren’t that good and to prove it they will eliminate them from the playoffs. Whoops – that didn’t go according to plan.

BB: Were they referring to themselves each time in that statement? Because – yes, the Red Bull isn’t very good and yes – they eliminated themselves from the playoffs.

PR: And speaking of the Metros - Youri Djorkaeff retired. Poor poor Bill.

BB: Stupid Brad Davis being good. Stupid useless management scheme. Stupid single entity. Stupid fired Bob Bradley. Stupid MLS.

NBA
ED:  Celtics patriarch Red Auerbach dead at 89.  First mini-Pedro now Red?  God, if Steve Grogan goes, Simmons may off himself.  I wonder if Danny Ainge will sit around the coffin and measure Red’s brain before they light his final cigar?

ED:  NBA Commish David Stern tells his young players to not take their guns to town.  They are, however, free to bring their bitches and hos.

BB: And THEIR guns.

PR: And their kids born out of wedlock. HEY! No wonder attendance is up.

MM: Nevada may pass legislation next week legalize small, personal baggies of marjuana. Stern says, "...no nylons during games, Kobe!..." but is completely fine with the haze of refer emminating from both locker rooms at the Thomas & Mack Center this February.

ED:  One NBA player who is allowed to pack heat is Heat C Shaquille O'Neal.  And ol’ Deputy Shaq was revealed to have been a part of a botched child porn bust in Virginia.  So…uhh…not certain if we should make the Kobe joke or the Shaq makes arrests like he shoots free throws joke here.  Anyone?  Anyone?

ED:  The NBA approves the sale of the Seattle SuperSonics to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett.  What?  Us make a bomb joke here?  Perish the thought.

PR: Boom Goes The Dynamite????

FOZ: Even I don’t approve of that, Phil.

ED:  Nets G Hassan Adams is acquitted of DUI charges.  If he was convicted, of course, Adams would have been eligible for a front office gig with the Knicks.

PR: That was only if he couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Being a drunk means the Trail Blazers will give him a call.

BB: I am pretty sure he would’ve been able to play point for them too. Poor Chris Childs.

NHL
ED:  The Phoenix Coyotes sell the naming rights of their arena to Jobing.com.  That’s right, Jobing.com.  OK.  Well, sadly it’s not the Pink Taco.

PR: The Buffalo Sabres match the NHL record by starting the season with 10 straight wins. Hideous new jerseys = wins. Though in full disclosure, the 10th win was over the Islanders so I think we need to bust out a *

OTHER
ED:  Matt Kenseth wins the Bass Pro Shops 500.  Hey, only like 7000 more races to go this season.

PR: Yes folks – for the second time this year, Ed completely botches the winner of the NASCAR race. Tony Stewart is unappreciated.

PR: Oh and Trevor Berbick was murdered. Yup - definitely should have made a separate obiturary section.