The Week That Was
(10/24/05 - 10/30/05)
ED: That's right. We too are all about the SPORTSMANSHIP!!! As such, I will not steal Bill's jokes this week.

BB: Oh yeah – if only I could get Simmons to sign the same agreement.

PR: Or Football Outsiders

MLB
ED:  Hall of Famer Al Lopez dead at 97.

BB: I was personally shocked that Al Lopez had not played in Ed’s lifetime.

PR: I more enjoy that the guy who sponsors the Al Lopez page will obviously blame this on the Yankees.

ED: The White Sox sweep the Astros to win the World Series. CHEATING!!! Jermaine Dye is named World Series MVP.  HAH!!!  Kenny Williams is smarter than you, Billy Beane!!!  Remember to put that in your next book!

PR: As Bill pointed out, it’s getting really hard to hate Ozzie Guillen when he makes quotes like "I lead the league in throwing my players under the bus." Of course, this is something that Phil Garner also tried during the World Series. Failed miserably too…

PR: Oh and A.J. PIERZYNSKI IS CRAZY!!!! RICK REILLY SAID SO!!!!! Yeah, we yell a lot in this issue.

ED: MLB's All-Latino team is named. Apparently, with the exception of Juan Marichal and Roberto Clemente, no Latino's played in baseball before Reagan was in office.

BB: That seems about right.

PR: At first I was going to try and make a joke about how it got even worse when you looked at the Top Vote Getters but I realized that I am not funny and really just looking at the list is humorous enough
First Base (Top Vote-getter)
1. Albert Pujols, Dominican Republic    64,952
2. Orlando Cepeda, Puerto Rico    28,672
3. Tony Pérez, Cuba    17,986
4. Andrés Galarraga, Venezuela    15,654
5. Rafael Palmeiro, Cuba    13,247
 
Second Base (Top Vote-getter)
1. Rod Carew, Panama    69,868
2. Roberto Alomar, Puerto Rico    37,545
3. Alfonso Soriano, Dominican Republic    25,753
4. José Vidro, Puerto Rico    3,761
5. Juan Samuel, Dominican Republic    2,998
 
Third Base (Top Vote-getter)
1. Edgar Martínez, Puerto Rico    57,550
2. Bobby Bonilla, Puerto Rico    24,068
3. Vinny Castilla, Mexico    23,577
4. Adrián Beltre, Dominican Republic    20,468
5. Edgardo Alfonzo, Venezuela    13,011
 
Shortstop (Top Vote-getter)
1. Alex Rodríguez, Dominican Republic    70,890
2. Luis Aparicio, Venezuela    24,951
3. Miguel Tejada, Dominican Republic    23,369
4. Dave Concepcíon, Venezuela    16,470
5. Omar Vizquel, Venezuela    6,308
 
Catcher (Top Vote-getter)
1. Ivan Rodríguez, Puerto Rico    80,167
2. Tony Peña, Dominican Republic    25,164
3. Javy López, Puerto Rico    12,435
4. Benito Santiago, Puerto Rico    11,432
5. Manny Sanguillen, Panama    10,885
 Outfield (Top Three Vote-getters)
1. Roberto Clemente, Puerto Rico    100,955
2. Manny Ramírez, Dominican Republic    66,830
3. Vladimir Guerrero, Dominican Republic    62,895
4. Sammy Sosa, Dominican Republic    39,344
5. Bernie Williams, Puerto Rico    23,842
6. Tony Oliva, Cuba    20,722
7. Carlos Beltrán, Puerto Rico    20,646
8. Felipe Alou, Dominican Republic    17,207
9. Moises Alou, Dominican Republic    14,774
10. Minnie Minoso, Cuba    13,863
11. José Cruz Sr., Puerto Rico    9,048
12. Juan González, Puerto Rico    8,184
13. Rico Carty, Dominican Republic    5,452
14. Luis González, Cuba    5,175
15. George Bell, Dominican Republic    4,786

Starting Pitcher (Top Three Vote-getters)
1. Pedro Martínez, Dominican Republic    93,118
2. Juan Marichal, Dominican Republic    68,199
3. Fernando Valenzuela, Mexico    49,616
4. Luís Tiant, Cuba    36,610
5. Johan Santana, Venezuela    32,952
6. Bartolo Colón, Dominican Republic    22,226
7. Lefty Gómez, Mexico    22,016
8. Dennis Martínez, Nicaragua    18,168
9. Livan Hernandez, Cuba    11,264
10. Joaquín Andujar, Dominican Republic    9,127
11. Mike Cuellar, Cuba    7,845
12. José Rijo, Dominican Republic    6,347
13. Camilo Pascual, Cuba    5,757
14. Martín Dihigo, Cuba    4,393
15. Dolf Luque, Cuba    2,066
 
Relief Pitcher (Top Vote-getter)
1. Mariano Rivera, Panama     107,710
2. José Mesa, Dominican Republic    9,389
3. Roberto Hernández, Puerto Rico    8,230
4. Willie Hernández, Puerto Rico    8,127
5. Armando Benítez, Dominican Republic    7,431


ED: GM NEWZ!!!  The Yankees re-sign GM Brian Cashman to a three-year contract.  The Nats extend GM Jim Bowden's contract through April. The D-Backs hire former Red Sox assistant GM, Josh Byrnes as their new GM.  The Dodgers fire GM Paul DePodesta.   Yeah, a whole lot of calculators got thrown about this week.

PR: Oh yeah – it’s a good think the Theo stuff waited till Monday so we can focus on that next week. I enjoy that Bowden will be around long enough to sabatoge another Nats season.

BB: Because you know who really knows everything about baseball? Tommy Lasorda. Because DePo can fit in a suit and Lasorda is spilling out of his freaking sweatpants. God people with money are idiots. YOU WIN PLASCHKE!!!! HEE SEOP CHOI IS JUST A KOREAN FREAK!

ED: Playa Movement!!!  The Rockies sign P Mike DeJean.  (Phil makes a mental note not to pimp DeJean in this coming season's preview.)  The Nats sign IF's Damian Jackson and Bernie Castro.  (Bill sheds a tear.)  The Red Sox re-sign P Mike Timlin to a one-year deal.  (Mmm, old.)

PR: Aww… he is back in Coors. I actually pimped DeJean based on him not getting destroyed their. I suck.

BB: PAUL LO DUCA IS THE GREATEST PLAYER ALIVE!!! HIS LEADERSHIP LED THE MARLINS TO ALMOST WINNING THE WILD CARD DESPITE HAVING FOUR LIGHTS OUT PITCHERS!!! WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING BRAD PENNY?!?!???

ED:  Mmm, (Not-so) Free Agents filing for paydays this week include:  B.J. Ryan, Todd Jones, Trevor Hoffman, Jose Mesa, Octavio Dotel, Billy Wagner, Bob Wickman, Tom Gordon, Tim Worrell,  Rafael Palmeiro, Kenny Rogers, Mike Piazza, Bernie Williams, Kevin Millwood, Jacque Jones, Matt Morris, Reggie Sanders, Bill Mueller, Kevin Millar, Danny Graves, Ramon Ortiz, Rich Aurillia, Johnny Damon, Jose Lima, Paul Konerko, Brian Giles, A.J. Burnett, Bengie Molina, Paul Byrd, Erubiel Durazo.

BB: DEREK LOWE IS A PHILANDERER!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! I TURN DOWN LADIES ALL THE TIME!!! REALLY!!!

ED:  Coaching Movement!!!  The Mariners hire Jeff Pentland as their hitting coach and Rafael Chaves as their new pitching coach.  (Poor bitter Mel Stottlemyre.)  The Braves hire Roger McDowell as their new pitching coach just to help Phil with the baseball preview.

PR: I think Ed is implying I need to do a complete breakdown of every Roger McDowell Rock ‘N’ Jock appearance.

BB: DID YOU KNOW I AM ON AROUND THE HORN??? I AM A POPULAR FIGURE WITH MEN 18-40! MY ARGUMENTATIVE NATURE AND INSULTS DIRECTED TOWARDS OTHER SPORTSWRITERS STRIKES A CHORD WITH THE YOUTH OF AMERICA AND THOSE WHO JUST HAVEN’T GOTTEN ENOUGH OF SPORTS RADIO!

ED: AWARDS!!! Braves P John Smoltz is named the 2005 Roberto Clemente Award winner. Braves OF Andruw Jones and Red Sox DH David Ortiz are named the NL and AL Aaron Award winners.

BB: I’M TWO STEPS AHEAD OF YOU STAT GEEK!!!

ED: Joe Morgan complains that the Astros have no black players on their post-season roster.  Hey Joe, in case you didn't get the memo:  this World Series, brown is the new black.  Deal with it.

PR: Hank Aaron is a bitter bitter man. Curse that Billy Beane and his computers.

BB: OK – enough of that. Joe Morgan wouldn’t want me impersonating a sports presenter when I have never been one.

ED: BALCO founder Victor Conte gets four months of jail time and four months house arrest and Barry Bonds' personal trainer gets three months jail time and three months house arrest for their roles in distributing steroids.

PR: More people for Pedro Gomez to cover so he doesn’t violate his own house arrest.

ED: San Francisco radio personality, Larry Krueger - fired for calling Giants Latin players hitters "brain dead" - files a wrongful dismissal suit.

BB: All he had to do was not say “Latin” and he would ALSO BE POPULAR WITH MALES 18-40!!!

NFL
ED: Giants owner Wellington Mara dead at 89.

PR: So my wife didn’t yell at me during the game. Mainly because it was perfect. Instead, she steadfastly refused to believe that Well Mara had 40 grandkids. The outcome of the conversation is that the number of times I will have sex again will be far far fewer than 40.

ED:  Warren Moon, Reggie White and Troy Aikman lead the list of players nominated for consideration for the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  Mmm, sweet delicious irony of Troy Aikman and Reggie White being nominated together.

BB: This weekend one of my Halloween parties included me and my friend ending up finding a Genesis and booting up Madden ’94. He chose the 49ers and realizing that I wanted to operate a mean run and shoot, I chose the Oilers. Once I realized that Warren Moon had already moved onto the Vikings and that said run and shoot was to be operated by Cody Carlson, I initiated a “Genesis malfunction” which I attempted to portray as an accident but everyone was well aware was no such thing. No one appreciated that but on the other hand, no one appreciates Cody Carlson either. Least of which is me.

PR: Aww… you so swerved the readership out of a Cody Carlson FPOTM.

ED:  In case you somehow suffered a "mysterious non-steroid related stroke" like your boy Tedy Bruschi, he will be playing this week.  That's right.  I know this has been top-secret news so I'll break it easy - Tedy Bruschi will play this week.  Did I mention that Tedy Bruschi will play this week?  Yep.  He will.  That's right.  Tedy Bruschi will play this week.  For those not paying attention, Tedy Bruschi will play this week.  Hey!  Did you hear Tedy Bruschi will play this week?  God, I wish he a vegetable.

PR: God, I wish he a vegetable is so far funnier than anything I could have come up in this space. Of course, only Ed can decide that if Bruschi received a V8, if that would satisfy the terms of his request.

ED: INJURIES!!! Raiders CB Charles Woodson (broken leg) and S Derrick Gibson (dislocated wrist) out at least 6 weeks. Packers RB Ahman Green (done for the season with a torn quad). Lions WR Kevin Johnson (Achilles) is done for the season. Falcons DE Brady Smith (toe) is out at least 4 weeks. Raiders G Langston Walker (stomach) out at least 6 weeks. Ravens LB Ray Lewis (hamstring) out a week.  

BB: I read that as Rod Woodson at first, and then I realized that if Rod Woodson had broken his leg, the doctors probably would have just euthanized him.

PR: Or Lincoln Kennedy would have eaten him.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Dolphins release RB Heath Evans. The Cards release WR Charles Lee. The Cowboys release K Jose Cortez who then signs with the Eagles. The Colts waive CB Donald Strickland and DE Nathaniel Adibi. The Cards re-sign WR JJ Moses. The Lions sign WR Troy Edwards. The Packers sign RB Walt Williams.

PR: Does that Walt Williams only shoot threes too?

ED: Rams head coach Mike Martz will miss the rest of the season due to his heart infection and complains about the organization not allowing his input while he is out.  Aww, I hate to see a good marriage end.

BB: I can only imagine when the King-Belichick relationship ends. That’s going to be an ugly night.

PR: Well the creepy replacement coach may or may not have had heart surgery. Clearly the Rams organization will only hire people who are not allowed to use the company microwave.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Disorderly conduct charges against Vikings OL Bryant McKinnie and Marcus Johnson are dropped. Vikings DT Kevin Williams has his domestic abuse charges dropped when he entered a no-contest plea and accepted a slap on the wrist for a disorderly conduct rap. Saints LB Courtney Watson is arrested for DUI.

BB: Williams’ argued that he couldn’t have been beating his wife because he was busy cheating on her on a cruise ship.

BB: Saints owner Tom Benson attacks a camera crew. Will still pitch in the All-Star game for the American League.  

PR: TOM BENSON IS OLD!!! AND CRAZY!!! AND RUNNING WATER AT HIS HOUSE!!!! SUCK ON THAT NEW ORLEANS!!!

ED: The end of Week 7 saw the Falcons whip the Jets, 27-14.

BB: Someone somewhere compared Michael Vick to Rob Van Dam and that’s such a great comparison that I’m willing to talk about --- --------- here.

WEEK EIGHT!!!
ED: Dallas playing Arizona is like a child molester getting into a fight behind bars with, say, someone from Enron.  The best you can hope for is that a serial killer gets tired of the sad sight and offs them both.  Cowboys 34, Cards 13.

BB: So wait – I thought Josh McCown was supposed to save the team from Kurt Warner who was supposed to save the team from Josh McCown who was supposed to save the team from Shaun King who was supposed to save the team from John Navarre who was supposed to save the team from Josh McCown who was supposed to save the team from Jeff Blake who is the rich man’s Shaun King himself but apparently the Cardinals STILL SUCK.

ED: Ever go to a county fair and take a look at the arts exhibits and see something so awful you wonder why someone even entered it into the competition, let alone let it out of sight - and yet, it is so horribly bad (and not even comically bad like, say Ed Woods films), you cannot take your eyes off of it - like say, a horendous painting of some Gacy-esque clown with a child on his knee - and you wonder just what goes on inside the mind of the creator?  Cleveland-Houston is your scary clown.  Paul Tagliabue, come get your green ribbon.  Texans 19, Cleveland 16.

BB: Ed, you don’t realize that the coasts think of the entire Midwest as that clown with the child on his knee. Well, maybe you do. And take offense. But we don’t care.

ED: I wonder if Jack Del Rio's ever called Mike Martz and asked him how long it takes to...uhh...finish when thinking about oneself?  I assume he has.  My guess Martz can finish within 5 minutes.  Del Rio scoffs at this.  He is younger and sexier.  He can go two-and-a-half minutes.  (Yes, I realize Mike Martz isn't coaching the Rams.  Leave the joke alone.)  Rams 24, Jags 21.

BB: I bet mustache guy can go 90 seconds, easy. This is also the world’s worst version of Name that Tune ever.

PR: I fell horrible for any lady who is on the receiving end of the “Golden Medley”

ED: Hehehehe.  Aww, can one really laugh at the Vikings enough?  One cannot.  Panthers 38, Vikings 13.

BB: Bb…but…TEAM CHEMISTRY! RANDY MOSS BE GONE! Apparently Randy Moss was the one who kept the Vikings’ morals in line. Who would have thought?

PR: Daunte Culpepper snapped not one, not two but THREE ligaments in his knee. That would be one ligament for every girl he was with on the Sex Boat.

ED: Wellington Mara dies, Paul Tagliabue, Mara enemy, jumps on the love train immediately.  The Giants say F-U to Tags and to Jesus...and to America too for all I know and whip the Skins, 36-0.

PR: Hehehehehehehehe

BB: Mmm…revenue unsharing.

ED: One time in high school ball, I was standing at the end of a batting cage, not really paying any attention and took a line drive in the nards.  Yeah.  That still had to beat watching the Bears taking the Lions in OT, 19-13.

PR: Matt Millen definitely doesn’t think you are man enough to watch their games…. nancy boy.

BB: I am pretty sure we can euthanize the Lions now, too.

ED: Bengals....yawn...Packers...yawn.  Good nap.  Good nap.  21-14 Bengals.

BB: Pitch invader steals the ball from Brett Favre during the Packers last drive. Anointed official successor to Favre, projected to be drafted by the Packers in the first round. That joke would’ve been much better had they not chosen Aaron Rodgers in the first round this year, but, of course, the Packers would’ve been much better had they not chosen Aaron Rodgers in the first round this year, too.

ED: Aww, c'mon!  At least gimme Reggie Bush ferchissakes!  Raiders 34, Titans 25.

BB: Aww…the Lamont Jordan dream is dead already.

PR: I think all of Ed’s dreams had been dashed a long long time ago.

ED: Miami played New Orleans.  I blame FEMA for getting any place able enough to host this crap.  Dolphins 21, Saints 6.

BB: I don’t see how this can possibly be part of the cleanup process. All the Saints fans were yelling at Ricky Williams in his return to play New Orleans but no one noticed; in all fairness, it is hard to hear people screaming when they are underwater.

ED: Yeah!  I can out-bland you, Dick Vermeil!  Oh yeah?!  Well, no one can cry like me, Marty Schottenheimer!  WHEE!!!  And people think the NBA needs to be fixed!  San Diego takes the Chiefs, 28-20.

BB: If by “fixed” you mean it means they need to have no more children, then I am all for that.

PR: Shawn Kemp does not approve of this joke.

ED: Aww, Denver is such the October powerhouse!  January's such a long way away, li'l genius!  Broncos 49, Philly 21.

PR: Hey, did you know that Andy Reid doesn’t like to run the ball? RUNNING THE BALL IS TOO SIMPLE!!! ONSIDE KICKS!!!! THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL!!!!

ED: God!  All those 80's QB's and their disabled children!  What?  Phil Simms' kid isn't retarded, he just sucks?  Oh.  My bad.  49ers 15, Bucs 10.

BB: If Ed had just stolen my joke, that’d be one thing – but that’s just evil. You’ll pay for that Agner.

ED: New England tops Buffalo, 21-16.  Did you hear Tedy Bruschi played in the...Grr.

PR: I couldn’t hear anything over Mike Patrick’s screaming.

CFL
ED:  Just to make Phil a happy man, Brian Diesbourg wins a million dollars (Canadian) for kicking a 50 yard field goal at the Toronto-Hamilton game.  Jose Cortez' family cries when they realize Papi would have missed that too.

PR: I would be far angrier at Ed taking my Jose Cortez mention but Toronto add the guy to their negotiation list which is so so great because its like “Okay, you missed the 20, 30 and 40 yarders but 50 yards!!!!!” This will be like when Michael Bishop kept his NFL gig by being able to thrown Hail Marys. Wait a sec…. Bishop is on the Argos… BRILLIANT!!!!

ED:  Hamilton suspends OL Jonta Woodard for the last game of the season after abusing an official and throwing a cup back at a Toronto fan.  Meh.  Why reward him?

PR: A real reward for him would have been American currency.

WEEK 19!!!
ED: Toronto destroys Hamilton, 34-11, to clinch the Eastern Division.  Like a win over the Ti-Cats should even count.

PR: Bitter Ed is very very ugly.

ED: Sean Fleming kicks Edmonton past BC, 22-19, to prevent the Lions from clinching the Western title for now.

ED: Montreal kills BEAVER FEVER by trouncing Ottawa, 43-23.

ED: Henry Burris proves yet again that he's still the Bears' best QB option as he leads Calgary to a 46-24 win over Winnipeg.

NCAA
ED: Texas leaps over USC in the BCS standings. Whatever that means this week.

PR: That the NCAA gave people like Lupica something to praddle on about for a week. COMPUTERS EVIL!!!  VOTERS MAD!!! VOTERS SMASH!!!

ED: Air Force football coach says black players run fast and that the Air Force football team is at a disadvantage because they don't recruit black players. Well, at least he didn't say that blacks weren't allowed in the Air Force. That would be a Donald Rumsfeld statement.

PR: I guess blacks are also welcome on Team Jesus Christ too.

ED: The ACLU files a grievance against New Mexico's head football coach, Hal Mumme, for his treatment of a Muslim football player.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Youngstown State football player Anthony Norman Jr. is charged with the murder of an Akron man. Xavier basketball player Dedrick Finn is suspended after being arrested for stealing an ex-girlfriend's dog.

SOCCER
BB: Middlesborough 4, Manchester United 1.

PR: SACK THE KNIGHT!!!

BB: Sunderland 1, Portsmouth 4.

PR: SACK THE… IRISH GUY?!?!?!?! I wanted to say SACK THE MICK!!!! But then I am sure people wouldn’t understand are we would get angry drunken emails calling us racist… and gay… and stupid.

BB: Laurent Robert fined after refusing to be a substitute for Portsmouth after being named in their squad due to “injury”. You’ve only named four substitutes. You can name a maximum of five? Are you sure?

NBA
ED: Hey!  For those playing the Grant Hill injury pool, one week before the season starts is your winner.

BB: SHAKE YA KNEE LIGAMENTS! WATCH YOURSELF!

NHL
ED: What?

BB: Did we mention Brett Hull retiring yet? Oh well. Check back next week.

PR: Aww…. I think I did… maybe.

OTHER
ED: WNBA MVP Sheryl Swoops comes out of the closet. God, it's stories like this that makes me glad I don't listen to sports radio.  I can only imagine the horror involved with that.

BB: Poor poor Bobby Estalella.

ED: Carl Edwards wins the Bass Pro Shops MBNA 500.  Seriously, when the hell does this season end?

ED: Hey, Las Vegas is getting the Arena Bowl again! Mmm, more bad Bon Jovi commercials!

BB: IT’S MY LIFE!