The Week That Was (10/30/06

The Week That Was
(10/30/06 - 11/05/06 )

ED: ED AGNER : JS : JUSTIN SLOTMAN : PR: PHIL RIPPA: MM: MARC MANNING

ED: We firmly believe that Joe snuck in to Bob Pollard’s garage and is crushed underneath a mountain of four tracks. At least that is Bill’s theory. Bill, on the other hand, probably won’t contribute as all that MSN work has him busy dutifully counting Mr. Gates’ pocket change.

JS: And I was going to flake out this week too but then you called me out in the NBA section. I am too HETERO! to back down from a challenge. (I never did understand that joke. Did it have a baseball origin?)

PR: Ooof…. I don’t think I want to write a Veteran Presence FAQ.

NFL
ED: SUSPENSIONS!!! Chargers LB Shawne Merriman drops the appeal of his four game roid suspension. Titans CB Pacman Jones is suspended one game by the team due to his slew of off the field messes.

PR: For the next death pool, I am claiming athletes named after video game characters.

MM: "People who don't know Shawne Merriman are just going to think Shawne Merriman is another athlete using drugs, but people who know Shawne Merriman know Shawne Merriman would never use illegal substances..." My transcribing skills are so good, I should be testing for performancing-enhancing typing. And in the annals of fallacied arguments, having to be intimate neighbors with your team's starting linebacker to know if he is sticking pointy things in his buttocks belongs at the top of any "best of" list.

ED: INJURIES!!! Jets RB Curtis Martin (officially done for the season with a wrecked knee), Steelers RB Vernon Hayes (knee – done for the season) and LB Arnold Harrison (knee done for the season),

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Giants sign LB Chris Claiborne and cut T Na'Shan Goddard. The Lions release WR/KR Az-Zahir Hakim. The Eagles sign CB Will Peterson William James and cut CB/KR Dexter Wynn. The 49ers sign CB Donald Strickland and release CB BJ Tucker.

PR: Sadly I will no longer confuse William Peterson with William Patterson University in New Jersey.

ED: Steelers head coach Bill Cowher says that QB Ben Roethisberger is not to blame for the Steelers sucking this season; all blame should be placed on Coach Smug. Well, whatever. Pooping on either one works fine for me.

JS: But multiple poops would be best! Fling some feces at Troy the Trojan too.

ED: Ravens LB Bart Scott now denies that the told Saints RB Reggie Bush that he added “hot sauce” to the tackle that injured Bush. Sadly, the exchange Phil and I had when the story came up will not ever be remembered, but essentially, you can just fill in random – “RAY LEWIS WOULD ADD SOME HOT SAUCE…WITH A FRIGGIN’ KNIFE!” remarks and you’ll get the gist of the sentiment.

PR: THE SAINTS DO NOT WORRY ABOUT REGGIE BUSH!!!! YOU CAN STAB HIM ALL YOU WANT, RAY LEWIS!!! HE WILL RISE AGAIN IN THREE DAYS!!!

ED: Longtime Cincinnati radio goober Andy Furman is FINALLY fired after calling Bengals WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh (sweet-sweet copy and paste) a racist. Yeah, the irony of anyone on a Cincy radio station calling someone else racist is so very-very wonderful.

PR: Poor poor red state… oh wait.

FINISHING OFF WEEK EIGHT
ED: The Pats kill the Vikings, 31-7. I lost count after five minutes of how many bricks I wanted to throw through my TV screen while Theismann and Tony K were fawning over Tommy Fumblefingers and Teddy Stroke-shi.

WEEK NINE!!!
ED: Hmmm, Michael Vick loses to the Lions, 30-14. So Mr. Mexico is hanging out with the Evangelical types then?

PR: Nope – just starting on my fantasy team. Grr….

MM: Tampa Cover 2 is more dangerous than a rashy one-night-stand with a fuzzy memory.

ED: The Ravens hold off the Bengals, 26-20. This may or may not have been Baltimore’s bring a parole officer to the game special.

PR: Hey – Rudi Johnson’s on my fantasy team too. Poor poor $50.

MM: CBS Sports' special guest host Mr. Ed or Shannon Sharpe was appalled by Ocho Cinco's TD salsa dance. I'm shocked they can fit his mandible features and Dan Marino's empty ring case in the same studio.

ED: Washington rips out Bill Parcells’ clogged heart, 22-19. Seriously, Parcells’ post-game interview was a thing of emo beauty.

PR: The only way this game could have been better is if Novak had missed the untimed field goal and then in overtime, 4 more kicks were missed.

MM:
With just a look TO shook 
And heavens bowed before him. 
Fumbled passes can break your heart. 
Romo's throws pierce the sky, 
TO left them all behind. 
We're left to wonder why 
He left us all behind.

Hey Mister Jones, can I  
Hey Mister Jones, can I  
Make beauty stay if I  
take my life?
Oohhhh...

ED: JP Lohsman is having fun out there! HE CAN PLAY ANOTHER 5 YEARS!!! Oops. Wrong bad QB in this game. Whatever. Bills 24, Packers 10.

PR: I CAN’T BELIEVE BRETT FAVRE LOST!!! IT CLEARLY CAN’T BE HIS FAULT!!! DO YOU KNOW HE HAS HAD TRAGEDY IN HIS LIFE?!?!?!?!?! AND HURRICANE KATRINA WASN’T THAT LONG AGO!!!

ED: So let me guess, the Giants can sleepwalk through a game against the Texans and still win? Seems to have been the case. Giants 14, Texans 10.

PR: Normally – the Giants sleepwalk through these games and lose. The win was very very not normal. This could be a magical year.

MM: Credited "sacks" on a fallen QB are BALLIN'! If Sean Gilbert were dead, his post-sack belly dance would roll over in his grave.

PR: Aww... Marc is going to make me defend Michael Strahan by mocking Bruce Smith. Oooof... maybe the Veteran Presence FAQ wouldn't be a bad idea.

ED: DAMON HUARD CANNOT BE STOPPED!!! As the Chiefs take the Missouri Stem Cell Bowl over the Rams, 31-14.

PR: If I could put money on Herm Edwards blowing his timeouts trying to decide who to start next week – I would.

ED: THE BEARS ARE THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF…Whoops! THE 72 DOLPHINS ARE THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF PRO SPORTS!!! Dolphins 31, Bears 13.

JS: Thank god—that’s one storyline derailed. Too bad the stupid Patriots couldn’t derail the other (see below) so the threat of ’72 Dolphins being on television remains very real.

ED: Marques Colston proves that Hofstra is the greatest football factory in all of college sports. Saints 31, Bucs 14.

(HEY! MARC AND I WROTE OUR JOKES AT THE SAME TIME! HIS IS FUNNIER!)

PR: WAYNE CHREBET BITCHES!!!! (I am yelling because Wayne’s head is all sorts of goofy.)

MM: Who is more pissed about the NFL career of Marques Colston - MICHAEL JORDAN OF FOOTBALL or Dutchman Wayne Chrebet? Would you want to be the second best wide receiver from Hofstra?

ED: Jacksonville mauls Tennessee 37-7. Sweet Jesus I pity anyone stuck with this game.

PR: Like Jeff Fisher?

MM: I bring this up if maybe Dean is reading -- Chris Mortensen says Jerry Jones is already semi-flacid for Jeff Fischer when that shoe drops.

ED: Hey! When did Jerry Burns become the Vikings coach again? 49ers 9, Vikings 3.

PR: I think Minnesota fans would actually be thrilled if Jerry Burns was around. At least they won the division then.

MM: Niners' throwback uniforms are the best in all of sports. They didn't look that great when they were worn the first time. I voted blue, FORCE SAN FRAN TO WEAR TAN AND SCARLET WITH STRIPPED SOCKS NANCY PELOSI AND DO IT NOW!

ED: Aww, Marty tried to blow this to keep his rep, but the Browns are just too awful. Chargers 32, Browns 25.

JS: I think the 4 o’clock games are getting worse—the NFL isn’t even trying anymore.

ED: Seriously, why the hell are the Steelers playing Roethlisberger? Broncos 31, Steelers 20.

PR: Because Charlie Batch is black? Poor poor Lynn Swann.

JS: Maybe they’ll be off tv for a few weeks until the inevitable late season hot streak and Greg Gumbel self-combusting in pure joy.

SUNDAY NIGHT
ED: Poor little Tommy Turnover. PEYTON IS BETTER THAN BRADY!!! FACE IT!!! Colts 27, Pats 20.

JS: Vinatieri missed for the first time just to tease the Pats fans.

CFL
PLAYOFFS!!!

ED: MICHAEL BISHOP!!!! Comes off the bench to lead the Argos over Winnipeg, 31-27. Aww, poor Ricky Williams having at least one more week to spend in Canada.

JS: And at least one more week to hear about him being unbeatable. Meanwhile Toronto remains too cool for the CFL as they only drew 26 thousand (they wanted 40.)

ED: Calgary is full of BITTERNESS!!! after Saskatchewan upsets the Stampeders, 30-21.

JS: Henry Burris! Four picks! Poor Stamps fans.

NCAA
ED: Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has his leg broken and his knee messed during the Penn State-Wisconsin game after a Wisconsin and Penn State player crash into his leg. Seriously, how hard would it be to break a 700 year-old man’s leg?

ED: ESPN college football analyst is suspended a week for going all homoerotic on how to handle a football and then calls his description “gay” on air. Of course the funny part of this is that ESPN not only thought people would be offended by this, but that they thought people were actually watching an Iowa-Northern Illinois football game.

ED: Michigan State fired head football coach John L. Smith is fired but will finish out the season. Feel free to make your own slap jokes. I am just happy I didn’t end up calling him John L. Williams and open up an ugly FPotM mess.

ED: Former Oklahoma State basketball coach Eddie Sutton is found unconscious in his car. Doctors claim this was due to medication he was taking and not drunkenness…this time. Well, at least it wasn’t GHB. I mean date raping Frank Solich is understandable but I draw the line at Eddie Sutton.

Phil: Aww... would that be considered necrofilia?
Phil: or however I spelled it last week
Ed: hehehehehehehe
Ed: there's a ph in there somewhere
Phil: you would think I would know that
Ed: I don't want to know why you would know that actually

PR: In the BIG GAME OF THE MOMENT~! Louisville beats West Virginia. No riots or anything from the folks in Morgantown because a) there are not Maryland and b) let's face it - they are probably scared of fire in West Virginia.

ED: Well, Lord knows they are scared of water.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! New Mexico (not Marcus Vick) basketball player Tyrone Nelson is indicted for robbing a pizza delivery guy. Tennessee football players Arian Foster, Antonio Wardlow and David Holbert are busted to public intox and disorderly conduct.

SOCCER
JS: MLS! Your final will be Revs versus Dynamo. Yeah.

PR: Stupid dreadful United.

JS: EPL! Charlton and Newcastle continue their plummeting. Chelsea actually lost, leaving Glazer F.C. at the top of the table. The beloved club from Wigan won and are mid-table.

PR: Arsene Wenger and Alan Pardew having their “two old men fighting over a table at Red Lobster” squabble was fun.

JS: SPL! Celtic beat Hearts and they’re just sort of running away with this thing.

PR: The next time I start a CM game, I will play as Hearts and see if I can even come close to simulating the season they had.

JS: BUNDESLIGA! Still competitive! Only five points between Werder in first and ENERGIE! In seventh—especially after Energie tied them 1-1 on Saturday. And GolTV brought it live.

JS: LIGUE 1! Finally Lyon loses—and to those jokers from Rennes too. Of course poor stupid Marseilles lost as well, so the result is a wash.

PR: FC Dallas keeper Sala suspended for six games after punching people after losing a PK shootout. I still don’t think Jovan Kirovski is a punishable offense.

NBA
ED: HEY!!! THE SEASON STARTED!!! I AM IN FULL YELLING MODE HERE!!! NBA!!! ACTION!!! IS!!! FANTASTIC!!! I YELL!!! YELL!!! JUSTIN CAN PICK UP THE PIECES!!!

Phil: I know you want to ignore the NBA but Jalen Rose announcing what team he is signing with on his blog just made me laugh out loud
Phil: http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2648527
Ed: well, there ya go
Ed: that's enough for the WTW

JS: CLIPPERS! IN ALL CAPS! Weren’t they on ESPN, TNT, and NBATV this week? That’s some kind of sign of the apocalypse, or a testament to the strength of Chippewa Nation, or both.

MM: Chris Kaman's locks score a Larry-Johnson's-jock-sticking-from-the-top-of-his-Knicks-shorts on the NBA's Annoying Appearance Scale. I am led to believe the difference from atrocious Clipper team to playoff Clipper team is the same as Olawokandi to goofy, overgrown, Hulkster-haired post players.

JS: In A Very Special Episode of the NBA: the NO-OK Hornets won in New Orleans. Five more episodes to go (and 35 typical bouts with mediocrity in OKC.)

JS: And it took exactly two days into the season for Kenny and Charles to start slagging the refs. Lang Whitaker counted 46 technical fouls in the first three days of the season so they could be right.

PR: Well that is probably all because of the new “look at the ref in the eye and get tossed” rule. Because that was the big problem with the league David Stern.

NHL
ED: Yeah. Well…yeah.

JS: The Devils somehow talked Cory Booker into letting them build that arena in Newark—apparently the deal his predecessor signed was so ironclad that there was no easy way out of it. But he did manage to wring money out of the Devils for youth sports in Newark, and I eagerly await Essex County pee-wee hockey.

PR: Yeah – youth hockey in Jersey really makes me laugh.

MLB
ED: Former Negro league player Silas Simmons dead at 111. Brian Sabean’s youth movement is thwarted again!

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! The White Sox hire RAZOR SHINES!!! as their new 3B coach and move Joey Cora to bench coach. The Yankees officially fire bench coach Lee Mazzilli, hire Kevin Long as their new hitting coach and promote Don Mattingly to bench coach. Tigers hitting coach Don Slaught resigns. The Reds hire FPotM Brook Jacoby as hitting coach.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Red Sox pick up the 07 option on KNUCKLEBALLER!!! Tim Wakefield (Doug Mirabelli says that Doug Mirabelli approves). The Padres decline the 07 options on C? Mike Piazza and OF/1B Ryan Klesko making them FA’s – but the Pads do pick up the 07 options on BROKEN FACE Mike Cameron and 3B? Russell Branyan. Cubs 3B Aramis Ramirez opts out of the final two years of his contract to become a FA. The Astros decline the 07 option on TOAST! Jeff Bagwell making him a FA. The Twins pick up the 07 option on P Carlos Silva. Japanese P Daisuke Matsuzaka officially becomes a FA. The Giants decline the 07 options on OF? Steve Finley and P Jamey Wright making them FA’s. The Rockies decline the 07 options on P’s Jose Mesa, Ray King and Mike DeJean making them FA’s. The Pirates decline the 07 option on 3B? Joe Randa and OF? Jeromy Burnitz making them FA’s – or retirees. The D-Rays decline the 07 option on P Brian Meadows making him a FA. The White Sox sign OF Luis Terrero. The Dodgers decline the 07 option on CANADIAN PVC!!! Eric Gagne making him a FA.

ED: THE GOLD GLOVE WINNERS ARE ANNOUNCED!!! WHEE!!! DEREK JETER IS GLOVELIER THAN YOU!!!

PR: It’s always good times when Jeter winning a Gold Glove isn’t the think that infuriates the sabers the most.

ED: Baseball agent Gustavo "Gus" Dominguez is busted for illegally smuggling Cuban baseball players into the United States. Mike Piazza is interested in how said players were smuggled and would like to subscribe to Dominguez’ newsletter.

ED: Former ESPN baseball analyst? Harold Reynolds sues ESPN for unlawful termination. Reynolds is suing for $5 million or some Boston Market coupons. Whichever.

PR: Maybe just the rights to his educational videos.

MM: I'd have never though in a billion years the guy with the toothy grin in a gold and royal Seattle cap on my Topps "Rated Rookie" card would one day be the inappropriate hugger in the office.

ED: Yankees owner George Steinbrenner falls ill while watching his granddaughter perform in Cabaret. Cabaret? Yeah, Todd Jones is right there with ya, Boss.

PR: IT WAS THE AC!!! I AM NOT OLD!!! SCREW ALL OF YOU!!!

ED: Bill falls ill when he learns that the Red Sox hire Allard Baird as assistant GM. One can only hope Bill would share a hospital room with Big Stein.

ED: Mmmm, players and their injectables!!! Mets P Guillermo Mota is suspended 50 games for loving him some sweet anabolics. Marlins prospect Jeff Allison is busted again for – this time for the ol’ love of the wild horse and stealing cars.

ED: Speaking of players and their injectables – Sammy Sosa announces that he wants to return from retirement to get his 600th home run. Mmm, Giants youth movement.

Ed: aww
Ed: the wind killed Lidle
Phil: oh yeah
Phil: that's what happens when you are a fly ball pitcher
Ed: you really want me to put that into the WTW don't you?
Ed: even tho he was a sinkerballer
Phil: hehehehe - I know but there is only one way for that joke to work
Ed: well, you could have always gone with that's the danger of a sinkerballer turning into a fly ball pitcher
Phil: aww....
Phil: he didnt take park factors into account before taking off
Ed: hehehehehe
Ed: well, that's why the Yankees want their RH pitchers to not be fly ball pitchers
Ed: of course, usually it's due to the short porch
Ed: but in this case it's the high buildings
Phil: I guess City ground rules dictate that Hi-Rises are in play
Ed: if Derek Jeter was a TRUE CAPTAIN!! he would have told Lidle that
Phil: If Jeter was a true captain - he would have been flying the plane himself
Ed: well, he can drive a bus over ARod but can he fly?
Phil: of course not - he is weighed down by all his RINGS~! and GOLD GLOVES~!
Ed: so that's what made Munson crash then?
Phil: that was probably because he was drunk
Ed: aww, your sister would not approve
Phil: she would probably tell Mrs. Munson
Ed: she had probably tell Carlos Guillen and Freddie Garcia not to fly then
Phil: My sister's Spanish is very very rusty

ED: Twins P Francisco Liriano is done for the entire 2007 season to get Tommy John surgery. See, BRIAN SABEAN IS SMARTER THAN YOU!!!

ED: The MLB-Japan All Star series is going down. Of course, it took MLB like forever to find someone who would manage this series. Poor-poor Bruce Bochy.

OTHER
Phil: aww.... you get to hate Lance Armstrong for another week
Ed: Damnit! He hasn't died yet then?
Phil: no - but he is running the NYC Marathon and doing it with FAMOUS ESCORTS!!!!!
Ed: oof
Ed: Heidi Fleiss?
Phil: thankfully just marathon people
Phil: The former marathon champions Alberto Salazar and Joan Benoit Samuelson, and Hicham el-Guerrouj, the defending Olympic champion in the 1,500 and 5,000 meters, will pace Armstrong for his debut in the 26.2-mile race, each running with him for a different section of the course.
Ed: BAH
Ed: I was hoping you were talking about whores
Phil: That would have been too good to be true

ED: Track coach Trevor Graham – THE MAN WHO BROUGHT DOWN BALCO!!! – is indicted for making false statements to federal investigators regarding that steroid mess he created. Hey, maybe he can run with Lance Armstrong too, just to add to the delicious irony.

ED: The nephew of boxer Trevor Berbick has been charged with killing the former world champion. Well, at least we didn’t forget it this week. Now on to screwing up the NASCAR results.

ED: Tony Stewart wins the Dickies 500. I think I got it right. But I’ll be honest with you, I don’t give a crap.

ED: Champ Car racer Paul Tracy breaks his shoulder blade after drunkenly crashing a golf cart. THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN TO DANICA PATRICK!!! She is perfectly capable of wrecking while stone cold sober.

PR: And playing with her nipples… wait, that’s not right.

ED: Invasor wins the Breeders’ Cup. Phil said he had some joke about this. We shall see.

PR: First off – I enjoy how Ed clearly thinks the Breeders’ Cup is one race. I have no idea what Barbaro joke I was going to make. The best I can come up with is “Barbaro would have shaken it off. YOU DESERVED TO DIE PINE ISLAND!!!” Yes – I have no soul.

JS: ISU GRAND PRIX! SKATE CANADA! And SKATE AMERICA! last week that I forgot to mention. The Japanese crushed everybody in Hartford as Olympic flopmeister Miki Ando unexpectedly took gold and took men’s gold as well. Great American hope Kimmie Meissner took silver and supposed Japanese prodigy Mao Asada was third. And Baldwin and Inoue actually won something! And then in Victoria they lost to Zhang & Zhang. Where Canadian patriot Joannie Rochette won gold over Fumie Suguri; great Korean hope Kim Yu Na was third. As did America’s favorite figure skater/Bowie imitator—the pride of Coatesville--Johhny Weir in the men’s competition.

PR: Of course it was unexpected if Miki Ando won both the women’s and men’s gold. Is there no drug testing in gymnastics? I would start with high levels of testosterone.

JS: Australia won that stupid GAA-AFL International rules game over Ireland that they play every year and somebody hits somebody else too hard and there’s complaining and somebody threatens not to play next year. Shut up and play, lads!