The Week That Was 10/31/05 - 11/6/05

ED: I really hope "personal reasons" doesn't involve certain Northeastern undergrads.

BB: WE’RE RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND, ED AGNER, YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!

BB: So yeah – we really weren’t in the mood this week. So this is a week late and a man short. We’re just gonna run through the weekly jokes here and see how many we can get to.

NFL

ED: The Eagles suspend WR Terrell Owens indefinitely (read: forever) for snapping, calling the organization a dump, saying Brett Favre is better than Donovan McNabb, beating up Hugh Douglas and challenging the entire lockerroom to a fight. Yeah-yeah. Of course he will be a Raider next year.

BB: Rumor has it Owens could become a Saint next year. This would mean that he could do pushups on top of his house for the media just as easily as he could in front of it, as there wouldn’t be much of a height difference. OK – New Orleans joke out of the way. Check.

ED: INJURIES!!! Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper (out for the season with a scorched knee). Cowboys LB Al Singleton (out for the season with a broken collarbone) and DE Jay Ratliff (done for the season with a bum ankle). Cards WR Anquan Boldin (out two-four weeks with a bad knee). Eagles P Dirk Johnson (as if that's his REAL name - done for the season to get his groin right). Steelers QB Ben Overrated (out one-two weeks with a bad knee).

BB: Getting his groin right joke out of the way. Check.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Pats release RB Amos Zeroue and sign RB Heath Evans. The Browns release TE Billy Miller. The Broncos release CB Lenny Walls. The Cowboys release RB Anthony Thomas and sign T Marc Columbo. The 49ers sign BACHELOR! Jesse Palmer. The Eagles sign P Reggie Hodges. The Packers waive CB Joey Thomas. The Saints release RB Jesse Chatman.

BB: Ed spelling Amos Zeroueue’s name wrong out of the way. Me trying to correct it, also spelling it wrong, and giving up out of the way. Check. Check.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Browns RB Reuben Droughns arrested for DUI. That…that's…it? Meh.

BB: You know Mike Anderson can drink twice as much as him and drive twice as straight.

ED: Former Broncos RB Terrell Davis files a lawsuit against the Tropicana Bar in LA for allegedly roughing him up at an after-Emmy party when a friend of his talked to a white waitress. C'mon, Terrell. You were in Denver long enough to know those rules.

ED: Hey! Seahawks news! DE Bryce Fisher is sworn into the Washington Air National Guard. The team decides to pay butt-kicked S Ken Hamlin for the rest of the season. And defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes has another "episode" and is expected to miss at least this week's game. Well, at least no boats were involved with any of this.

BB: Making light of a NFL coach’s illness out of the way. Check.

ED: The Minnesota Vikings are boycotting a local TV station for their coverage of the Vikings sex cruise. God, the Vikings make me happy.

BB: Vikings sex cruise reference. Check.

ED: The end of Week 8 saw: Pittsburgh sneak out a 20-19 win against the hapless Ravens.

BB: Brian Billick to go lay in his hammock, dream of Todd Heap’s wife. Sweet sweet slutty ASU girl. Hard Knocks reference? Check.

BB: Ed really deserves this football section to himself.

WEEK NINE!!!

ED: Frickin-frackin-frickin-flippin football. KC 27, Oakland 23. Like I can talk rationally about football after seeing that. Oh yeah, and those Tom Brady is greater than Jesus 60 Minutes interview promos that ran constantly? Yeah. Those did wonders towards keeping me from murdering people. God I hate....everything. Stupid....GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

ED: Atlanta takes Miami, 17-10. God I want all of Kansas City nuked.

BB: Except for me reading this as “I want all of Kansas City naked.” That would be so much white that it would even give me a tan.

ED: The Vikings take the young Lion lovelies aboard their boat and get FUHREAKY!!! Vikes 27, Lions 14. Trent Green = communist. I may or may not have proof about that. Mostly not.

ED: Have I mentioned how much I want to punch Dick Vermeil in the jimmy? God I loathe football. Oh, and the Browns beat the Titans, 20-14.

ED: You know what's worse than that Raider defense at the end of the KC-Raiders game? Chris Simms. Carolina 34, Tampa Bay 14.

ED: See. I could have just watched the Bengal-Ravens game and fallen asleep and my blood pressure would be normal and I wouldn't be half-tempted to go on a shooting spree in the...whatever state KC is in. Cincy 21, Baltimore 9.

ED: Really, why did I go ahead and watch that Raiders-Chiefs game? I knew the Raiders would lose, anyway. But no, I watch, get the tease and then get hammered in the jimmy. Still, it couldn't have been as ugly as the Houston-Jacksonville game. Jags 21, Texans 14.

ED: LaDainian Tomlinson has a huge day as San Diego downs the Jets, 31-26. You know that Tomlinson was thinking? "God, I wish I could have been playing against the Raider defense in the last two minutes of that Raiders-KC game! I could have ran forever." Bitter? Me?

ED: BAH! Like I hadn't given up on paying any attention to the NFL at this point. Chicago 20, New Orleans/San Antonio 17.

ED: Have I mentioned how much I loathe Dick Vermeil? Friggin' prevent defense! Seattle 33, Arizona 17.

ED: The Giants handle San Francisco, 24-6. And to think I heard Bill and Phil go on all week about how they knew the Giants would lose this game. Meh. IIIIII knew the Raiders were going to lose. And they did. But oh how they tricked me! Stupid friggin' football!

ED: Pittsburgh stomped Green Bay, 20-10. Hey, America! Give up on the friggin' Packers, already! Jeez! Do they have to be in every showcase game? Did Jesus Brady make this so? So much hate.

ED: Washington tops Philly, 17-10. And as ESPN tells us, this was all because of TO. Would ESPN lie to us? Would they?

BB: Ok, so Raider loathing, jimmy punch, sleeping during Ohio football games, loathing myself and Phil, hating on the Packers, and repeated riffs on the same topic all out of the way. Check.

CFL

ED: Saskatchewan Trevis Smith LB is released on bail after being arrested for sexual assault. In the mess after the arrest it is revealed that Smith is HIV positive. In the wake of all this, Peter King would like to take a moment now and tell all the world that he is 100% hetero - despite all the love making he has done to the entire New England Patriots organization.

BB: Peter King joke, check.

BB: Me not reading the CFL section, check.

WEEK 20!!!

ED: Hey! A football game that didn't make me hate the entire sport! Hamilton takes Montreal's C-team, 15-9. Whee! Stupid football!

ED: Ottawa sends Joe Paopao off in style by taking Toronto's C-team, 27-17.

ED: Saskatchewan does their best to play SPOILER as they rally to knock off BC, 13-12.

ED: Fortunately, watching Calgary thump Edmonton 43-23 eventually stopped me from punching walls. Stupid KC. Stupid crappy Raiders.

NCAA

ED: Nebraska head football coach Bill Callahan is reprimanded by the Big 12 for making a throat slashing gesture towards a referee. Ahh, for a second there I had forgotten all about Bill Callahan. That was a nice little second.

BB: Reference to old Raiders coach, check.

ED: Former LaSalle basketball players, Gary Neal and Michael Cleaves, are acquitted of rape charges when a jury rules that the woman accusing them of the action was not too drunk to consent to sex. Frat boys throughout the US applaud the verdict.

BB: Making frat boys happy, check.

MLB

ED: Bye-bye, Theo! So Phil and I had this conversation about what Theo will do with himself now. Actually, we were going to do a piece on 30 things Theo can do with himself now. But we sort of blew our wad picking new teams for Bill. Anyway, the only good idea we had was THEO EPSTEIN: PEDOPHILE HUNTER. To which Phil replied that he envisioned li'l Theo in khaki shorts saying "Crikey!" which really made my entire week. Bill, of course, wouldn't talk to us.

BB: ….

ED: In other GM moves that didn't get a Simmons weepy treatment, the Phillies hire Pat Gillick as their GM and the D-Rays hire Gerry Hunsicker as their GM/head of baseball operations. Wow! Who thought those two teams would make sensible moves?

ED: Aww, but wait. Phil is miserable too as the Yankees hire Larry Bowa as their 3rd base coach, re-hire Lee Mazilli as their bench coach, replace 1st base coach Roy White with Tony Pena and bring in Ron Guidry to be their pitching coach…and Joe Kerrigan is named new bullpen coach. Getting old's a bitch, ain't it, Phil?

BB: Reference to VP writer getting old, check.

ED: Oh and some more coaching moves to make you feel ancient, the Brewers hire Robin Yount as their bench coach. Ditto the Reds with Bucky Dent. Yeah, the Brewers win that SS battle.

BB: Aww…Robin Yount is no SS.

ED: Sen.'s Bunning (hehehe, Kentucky) and McCain are reintroducing steroid legislation for all that testing jazz. Obviously, I would make a dig here about what a waste of time this is given that there are huge problems in this country that needs to be addressed - like say, I dunno, a li'l war we ain't doing to well at or a crappy economy or the threat of that there bird flu dealie or even a submerged southern city BUT...

BB: Ed trying to make a point, check.

ED: Yankees OF Matt Lawton is suspended 10 games for testing positive for steroids. And really, when the youth of America has a HERO AND ROLE MODEL! like Matt Lawton exposed as a cheater, one can only hope that our lawmakers can step in and THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!! Thank you, Senator's Bunning and McCain, for setting your priorities properly.

BB: Ed improperly conjugating a noun, check.

ED: Reds owner Carl Linder agrees to sell control of the team to local businessmen. Certainly, that will be a wonderful rainbow coalition of businessmen.

BB: Pointing out the ugliness of Ohio (and by ugly, I mean white), check.

ED: Derek Jeter wins a Gold Glove. Other people won GG's too. But none as funny. Well, maybe Jason Varitek.

BB: HE’S TWO STEPS BEHIND YOU!!! Aww…check.

ED: Oh, and supposedly, Alex Rodriguez is warned by MLB about playing big stakes poker in illegal clubs with Phil Hellmuth. Bill and Phil can make the Hellmuth joke. Shoot, I will even skip the obvious A-Rod bad lines about cashing his chips in when the stakes are high. I mean, that's what the NY Post is for, right?

BB: Ed could be a headline writer too.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The White Sox decline the option on DH Carl Everett allowing him to become a FA. The Mets decline the option on P Braden Looper allowing him to become a FA. The Marlins decline the option on P Antonio Alfonseca (6 FINGERS!!! FREAK!!! SEX BOTS PICK US UP!!!) allowing him to become a FA. The A's re-sign P Jay Witasick and decline the option on NO HOLES!!! Scott Hatteberg allowing him to become a FA. The White Sox buy out DH Frank Thomas' contract allowing him to become a FA.. The Dodgers re-sign OF Jose Cruz Jr. The Mets decline the option on P Dae-Sung Koo allowing him to become a FA. The Mets decline the option of GLOVE!!! Doug Misspelling allowing him to become a FA. The Cubs decline the option on OF Jeromy Burnitz allowing him to become a FA. The LAAA's decline the option on P Jason Christiansen allowing him to become a FA.

BB: Alfonseca six finger joke, check.

ED: Hey! A TRADE!!! The Nats unload 3B Vinny Castilla on the Padres for P Brian Lawrence. Poor unsexy Sean Burroughs.

BB: Making fun of the Nats (and Sean Burroughs), check.

ED: The US Olympic Qualifying Baseball Team is announced. And…well…put your money on Cuba.

SOCCER

BB: Ed skipping the soccer section, check.

NBA

ED: Hey! The NBA season started! Shaq is injured, Ron Artest is playing and Kobe isn't on trial. That's really all ESPN wants you to know.

BB: Hating on ESPN a lot, check.

NHL

ED: *shrug*

BB: Ed ignoring the hockey scene, check.

OTHER

ED: Carl Edwards wins the Dickies 500. Seriously, why the hell is NASCAR still running races this late in the year?

BB: Turn Left. Check.

ED: Darrell Green's son, Jared, has a Virginia-area high school in trouble as he possibly-maybe-sorta doesn't actually live in the district of the school for which he plays. Phil enjoys this far more than he should, it seems.

BB: Making fun of old Redskins, check. So, what did we miss?