The Week That Was
(11/6/06 - 11/12/06)

ED: ED AGNER: BB: BILL BARNWELL : PR: PHIL RIPPA: JS: JUSTIN SLOTMAN : MM: MARC MANNING : JF: JOE FRIESEN

ED: Oh yeah. Blood will be let. And that’s just by the Republicans. Wait till I get going.

BB: I mean, I hate New Jersey as much as the next guy, but it's just one game...

PR: Why do you hate Justin? Why?

JS: If he really hated me he would have made a “Borat” reference. Sasha Cohen, da; Sacha Cohen, nyet.

PR: I really really really hate Ali G/Borat/Sacha Baren Cohen. It’s either because I am old and bitter or because he married the amazing red head from Wedding Crashers. Haven’t figured it out yet.

JF: GNNNNNNAHHHHGGGGNNGGNG DRUNK I FORGOT HOW 2 TIPEGHHHHHHNNNNNAHHHHHHHH AKLDASDKLTSHDAS.,MD;ASLDR (passout). By the way, today Dan Patrick did the worst Borat impression I’ve heard thus far.

NFL
ED: Former Lions “two-way player” Chuck DeShane dead at 87. Insert Matt Millen gay joke here.

BB: This is like the perfect Jooge spot since only he could make the joke and be funny. Of course, every spot is the perfect Jooge spot.

ED: Apparently, according to American voters Heath Shuler is better than Lynn Swann. Of course, Hall of Fame voters think Swann is better than say, Art Monk or Cliff Branch. So what we’ve learned from all this is that American voters are smarter that Hall of Fame voters. Which goes without saying, I guess.

BB: So then how much better is Steve Largent than all these people? Does he have mountain values?

PR: Well Steve Largent is a whole lot whiter than Swann, Monk or Branch and that plays well in the red states.

JF: Uhhh, Pat Buchanan?

ED: The 49ers reveal plans to build a new stadium in Santa Clara. Aww, like I know anything about Santa Clara to make a joke here.

BB: I am hoping Phil references Santaria here. OK - I'm just going to go through this and point out spots where other people could make jokes.

PR: If you do that for your Outsiders column too, we are going to be having a little talk. Stupid USFL draft.

JS: Santa Clara gave us Steve Nash at his most dude-like. Thus this move has to be a good thing.

JF: Bill needs to change his life to better suit our mood, because Phil is just too smooth. Yeah, I went in a slightly different direction.

ED: INJURIES!!! Bears WR Bernard Berrian (out 2-4 weeks with bad ribs), Giants DE Michael Strahan (out 2-4 weeks with a sprained foot), Falcons CB Kevin Mathis (done for the season with a jammed kneck), Broncos S Sam Brandon (done for the season with an ACL), Pats S Rodney Harrison (out indefinitely with a broken shoulder blade), Jets C Trey Teague (done for the season with a broken ankle), Giants WR Amani Toomer (done for the season with a bum foot), Bills RB Willis McGahee (out indefinitely with broken ribs), Bills WR Josh Reed (out indefinitely with a bruised kidney), Panthers DT Jordan Carstens (out indefinitely with a blood clot in his lung), Lions DE James Hall (done for the year with a shoulder injury), Chiefs LB Derrick Johnson (out this week with a bad ankle), Falcons CB Jason Webster (out at least a month with a torn groin)

MM: Rams' T Orlando Pace done for '06 after tearing his tricep versus Seattle. False start penalties league wide reach record lows from November through January.

BB: This is where Phil goes off on how great a man Amani Toomer is and lists a bunch of old wide receivers who would take his place and make him happy. Oh wait...

Bill: awww...amani toomer is done Rippa: WHAT?
Bill: http://www.giants.com/news/eisen/story.asp?story_id=22275
Rippa: This is going to ruin my day even more - isn't it?
Bill: oh come on - it is amani toomer
Rippa: GOD DAMMIT!!!!
Rippa: I heart Amani Toomer slightly less than Tiki Barber
Bill: awww - but tiki is still useful
Rippa: Aww... you have turned your back on Amani and you make me sad
Bill: besides - you know amani is going to use the time to film united way commercials and then you will be happy
Bill: oh come on - i mean - i like amani toomer and all
Rippa: Hopefully they still have Herman Moore's phone number
Bill: but there are too many two catch nine yard days for me to be upset about this as a thing that hurts the giants
Rippa: I am kinda giddy of random name they sign to fill the roster slot
Rippa: Like that it will somehow be Carl Pickens or Yancy Thigpen
Bill: awww...you are going to go back to that list of guys we made in the preview
Bill: jeff graham will probably get a call
Rippa: Well today would not be the day to call Ron Dixon
Rippa: so very rainy
Bill: hehehe - that is true
Rippa: Of course - you realize that Amani got crippled because I literally just asked for his jersey for Xmas
Rippa: at least it will be cheap now
Bill: awww - you didn't think your wife could spell umenyiora, did you
Bill: or kiwaunuka
Bill: drats - i mean - i can't spell kiwanuka
Rippa: I couldnt spell them to even ask for them
Rippa: Well this is going to be the end of Tim Carter as a receiver in Madden
Rippa: much like Jesse Palmer
Rippa: because now he will play and his rating will plummet
Bill: well i mean he will only last two weeks
Bill: and then the giants will try and get mike sherrard back
Bill: or - aww - you know they will give ed mccaffrey a call and you will be giddy
Rippa: There was that guy I loved last year whose name has vanished from my head
Rippa: Jammar Taylor
Rippa: or something like that
Bill: yeah - jamaar
Rippa: If they called Ed McCaffrey, I probably would pass out

PR: I guess Bill admitting he loves Amani Toomer would make him lose his FoxSports credentials or something.

MM: What's all the hootin' and hollerin' for? If he gets his quad right, this sets up a nice Sincorice Moss darkhorse ROY second-half. I clasp my fingers and kneel each night waiting for the day Randy is third best Moss.

JF: The Giants calling McCaffrey would make me as sad as it would make Phil giddy. Equal and opposite reactions and all.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Dolphins sign G Toniu Fonoti and waive TE Jason Rader. The Chiefs claim CB Marcus Maxey off of waivers from the Bears.

BB: This is where no one says anything because there are no jokes to be made.

PR: PLAYA Hater

ED: FINES!!!! Steelers DE Joey Porter is fined $15K for remarks made to an official during the Steelers LOSS to the Raiders in Week 8. Raiders DE Tyler Brayton is fined $25K for kneeing Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens in the jimmy – Stevens is fined $15K for kicking Brayton to instigate the incident.

BB: This is where one of us wonders aloud about the cost of jimmy-kicking going up and laments the fact that we can't play poker anymore to pay the bills and kick people in the jimmy randomly.

PR: Well I am lamenting that I don’t have the money to open a Bodog account. I am well beyond having shame.

JF: I know the guy who was the best boy on the Scooby-Doo movies. Surely that's good enough for an account and $20 free chips, litigation pending.

ED: The 11/19 Chargers-Broncos game has been moved to Sunday night thanks to NBC’s flex scheduling dealie. Great, now more people can suffer. Terrific.

BB: This is where I would note that at least the Raiders aren't on the national game again so Ed doesn't have to suffer.

PR: Ed lives in Ohio – he suffers whether or not the Raiders are on TV.

ED: Bills S Donte Whitner is busted for harassing a girl friend.

BB: This is where me or Phil would make an inside joke to the touble list and lament how old we are.

PR: Yes – I don’t know if “touble” is an inside joke that I am too old to understand. Back in my day...

JS: Awww….I was about to correct the touble too, but Phil worked it in. Bill is making this a Very Meta Week That Was.

MM: Hey, maybe Donte could recoup some of the girlfriend-financial jimmy-kicks our writers have endured?

PR: Speaking of the “TOUBLE LIST”: Marcus Coleman is now an ex-Cowboy after getting arrested for a DWI. Jags LT Khalif Barnes also likes the booze and he was charged with a DUI.

PR: Bill Walsh reveals that he has leukemia. Apparently, Lawrence Taylor scared it into him. At least that is what I think Michael Lewis would tell me.

JF: I hope next week we're coming out with an annotated volume of Week That Wuzes.

FINISHING OFF WEEK NINE

ED: The Seahawks maul the Raiders 16-0. Meh. At least someone got hit in the jimmy other than a Raider QB.

BB: This is where I'd talk about how Andrew Walter's girlfriend is probably even hotter than Todd Heap's. And then get very bitter. I COULD'VE WENT TO ARIZONA STATE TOO YOU KNOW! I TURNED THEM DOWN!!! But then I'd be living the gimmick. And that's bad.

PR: Aww... then you and Marc could have played video games in a Vegas hotel room. Poor poor CSC. Of course, you also turned down American proving that you are a far smarter than I.

JF: I would make a joke about the exclusivity of Arizona State, then I remember I dropped out of Portland State. The joke is SO on you, Friesen.

WEEK TEN!!!

ED: Tennessee collapses…err, I MEAN STEVE MCNAIR’S TITANIUM VAGINA HOLDS OUT TO ALLOW THE RAVENS TO COME BACK AND BEAT THE TITANS, 27-26.

JF: I'm stealing the hell out of that one.

MM: Baltimore's team captains for this game - Samari Rolle, Derrick Mason, Steve McNair. Were TENN fans supposed to feel burned by this? Was Frank Wychek busy?

ED: Indy continues to keep old men from drinking champagne by somehow sneaking out a win over Buffalo, 17-16.

JS: I don't know who to hate more in the '72 Dolphins versus Peyton Manning contest.

JF: This Is Veteran Presence. I think our readers can just assume that, if it isn't a crappy Giants linebacker from the early nineties, we hate them infinity.

PR: At first I thought Joe was taking a shot at Harry Carson, then I was like "Wait - why does Joe hate Corey Widmer?".

ED: Michael Vick, Michael Vick. Poor-poor Michael Vick. If only he too had a titanium vagina. Of course nothing makes me happier than this line in the game recap – “Vick actually lined up behind an offensive guard, scrambling into the right spot only after center Todd McClure noticed that the quarterback wasn't behind him. It only got worse from there.” Browns 17, Falcons 13.

MM: Vick's box score line read like an ESPN wet dream, "3 TO's." WebMD.com says herpes can't spread on metal. I'm sure we're not the only ones wishing for titanium vaginas.

ED: OK. Game recaps are apparently written by Jooge now since this is what starts the Packers-Vikings recap – “If Green Bay was going to beat Minnesota, Brett Favre was going to have to throw the ball to his own team, not the other guys.” Packers 23, Vikings 17.

JF: Were the Favre of Brett to place the throwing ball upon the waiting tips his own yellow compatriots were to have towards the end of their fingers, as opposed to the villainous purple clutches of Vikings (the Minnesota variety), athletic contest victory could very well be assured for the proud, cheese loving Indiginous peoples of eastern Wisconsin. Fart.

ED: Jack Del Rio says, Hey! If’n I want people to consider me a REAL NFL GENIUS-TYPE COACH, I need to choke away some wins. Texans 13, Jags 10.

MM: The real loser in this game? David Garrard's agent. You don't win games with non-MAC quarterbacks.

PR: Or unless you are Tampa Bay. TEASE~!

ED: Herm Edwards says – I’m TWO STEPS AHEAD OF YOU, HAIR BOY!!! Dolphins 13, Chiefs 10.

ED: Of course, Bill Bellichick says – NO ONE HAS MORE GENIUSOSITY THAN ME, Mr. Clock Management Guru! Jets 17, Pats 14.

PR: I should have saved the log where I couldn't even enjoy this victory because I was ranting to Bill about my fantasy team.

ED: And our boy Marty, who copyrighted the whole GENIUS COACH CHOKES AWAY WINS deal, says – BAH!!! Y’all are soooooooo 1998. I WILL WIN A GAME I SHOULDN’T TO SHOW MY REAL GENIUSOSITY!!! Marvin Lewis is still trying to figure that all out, apparently. Chargers 49, Bengals 41. Thank Christ I was too ill to stay awake through this.

ED: Aww, San Francisco beats Detroit, 19-13. And now Matt Millen is all confused by his homophobia.

JS: Wait--is that where the HETERO! joke came from? I will figure this out! (And Ed forgot the original Wile E. Coyote, Genius--Mike Martz--is on the Lions sidelines.)

JF: If Justin had just learned to skim the hockey section instead of the football section like me, he wouldn't look quite so foolish right now.

ED: Philadelphia stomps Washington, 27-3. Gee, who could have seen Mark Brunell not being very good this year? Stunning, really.

PR: Jesus?

ED: Mike Shanahan tries to get in on the whole GENIUS COACHES LOSING GAMES THEY SHOULDN’T deal, but the Raiders O-line suck is just too powerful. Broncos 17, Raiders 13.

PR: Aww... I would still take Robert Gallery over Eli Manning. Of course - I also still want the QB the Giants originally drafted that year.

ED: Poor-poor team in wretchedly run-down cities. And yeah, New Orleans is no great shakes either. Steelers 38, Saints 31.

JS: OMG STEELERS COMING ON STRONG TO CLOSE THE SEASON!

ED: Honestly, the greatest thing about the Cards-Dallas game is that the Cards created a statue of Pat Tillman where he looks like something out of a Faith No More video. Cowboys 27, Cards 10.

MM: Worst losing streak since Joe Bugel. Worst start since before I breathed air on my own. Go Cards.

ED: JOSH BROWN SAYS EAT MY CLUTCH, VINATIERI!!! Seahawks 24, Rams 22.

SUNDAY NIGHT

ED: Yeah. No need to get involved with this – Bears 38, Giants 20.

MM: At least Devin Hester will jimmy-kick Phil's team, too.

JS: Losing on a 108-yard return of a missed field goal was a peculiarly Eagles-esque way to lose, I must say.

PR: Grr....

CFL
BB: This is the part of the WTW I'd never ever actually read.

PR: Jackie Parker died. Only Justin and Dean care.

JS: Yeah—this was not a good year for the Eskimos.

PLAYOFFS!!!

ED: BC destroys Saskatchewan, 45-18. DAVE DICKENSON!!!

JS: Anything other than a B.C. slaughter would have been unexpected.

ED: Montreal puts and end to Ricky Williams’ Canadian suffering, 33-24.

JS: And an end to the collective suffering of CFL fans everywhere when the Argos go far in the playoffs. This is actually a pretty impressive turnaround by the Als, who were having a Ti-Cats-like losing streak earlier in the season.

NCAA
MM: The U's starting DT Bryan Pata is murdered at his front door after practice. Do you even update a Larry Coker resume at this point? Isn't Frank Solich's quality control assistant Coker's best possible landing point? How lousy is "UNC's Butch Davis, 2008 NCAA Coach of the Year" going to sound?

BB: This is another place where we wouldn't say anything because it would be awkward and we can't think of anything too shambolic or inappropriate. Slightly inappropriate is bad. Entirely inappropriate is fine.

JS: Shambolic. Adjective, meaning disorderly or chaotic. Huh? Chiefly British slang?!? Jeez, first “spot on” and now this. We’ll all be sitting on the loo within a year.

JF: An affectation. Pathetic.

ED: Hey! College basketball started. God, do I not give a crap.

BB: This is where Phil would concur. I would try and find my rant about college basketball not mattering till March but I am lazy. Maybe I will get an intern to do that.

PR: I could easily see Bill maneuvering to get nothing but female interns and then inviting them out for a drink since he wants to be the “cool” boss. He will be already ready to have some playoff sex but the intern’s friend will want to leave and Bill will be sad.

MM: Inviting interns for drinks? Has Harold Reynolds taught us nothing?

JF: Guys, hate to break it to you, but we're the interns. No Harold Reynolds action from Bill just being one more perk to living on the west coast.

JS: Ummm….Arizona “upset” Virginia. That seems to be the extent of college basketball news this week.

ED: Joe Paterno will not be on the sidelines for this week’s Penn State game as the Disney people are still correcting the animatronics to get him upright again.

BB: This is where I would think about Joe Paterno's mounting face and it'd be hard for me to go on for a little while. Co-eds love everyone but me.

MM: They played Temple. Penn State could start the last eleven "Its A Small World" robots to come out for repairs and still cover the spread.

PR: Rutgers beats Louisville and the state of New Jersey amazingly doesn’t burn. But Maryland students insist that that is what you are supposed to do.

JS: I don’t think we have any idea what to do when we win a big game. Our only previous flirtation with success was thrashing those vile Princetonians during Reconstruction, and those teams probably, like, kicked immigrants to celebrate, and that would be in poor taste today.

MM: HOW RUTGERS GOT INTO THE BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME... - Cal, losers to Mr. Mike Stoops and the Arizona Wildcats, beats USC 28-21. - Ohio State trounces Michigan 44-7. Lloyd Carr goes 7-6 in 2007. Rick Neuheisal takes over in Spring of 2008. - Arkansas loses to LSU by 6, but knocks Chris Leak out in the first quarter and overcomes Tim Tebow's 3 rushing TD's. Houston Nutt, champion of the SEC. - USC 32, Notre Dame 28. - Rutgers rolls into Morgantown on Dec. 2 and eeks out another win. OHIO STATE BUCKEYES VERSUS STATE UNIVERSITY OF NEW JERSEY FOR THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP! Live! From Glendale, AZ. With Thom Brennaman and Joe Buck's toddler. On Fox. Brought to you by Tostitos.

JS: I am completely anticipating a loss to Cincinnati next week, by the way. Stupid unexpected success….

PR: Ohio State and Michigan manage to both be undefeated for their game next week. Ed will stab a Buckeye by Thursday.

ED: I am ill. But not dumb enough to agree to this in writing. *wink* Besides, stabbings are soooooo much work. Shootings on the other hand…

JS: BOISE STATE! Survives San Jose State! Still undefeated.

SOCCER
BB: This would be where I would link several stories and make fun of them. But I don't gotta behind the gimmick! Whoo!!!!

PR: Manchester United is not going to offer a trial to Freddy Adu. Oh wait.. Oh sure, they can get a work permit for him. Stupid WSM 06.

MM: Houston not-1836 wins MLS Cup on PK's 4-3 inside a place called Pizza Hut Stadium or something. If females read what we wrote, "Your MLS Player of the Day" would be a huge hit. Shirtless Tayler Twellman up first.

PR: At least the Revs figured out how to score a goal. They needed extra time and still couldn't win but in two or three more finals maybe they will win 1-0.

JS: EPL! Stupid crappy Manchester United keeps their 3-point lead over Chelsea after a 1-0 victory of Blackburn. Charlton continues to look ready for THE DROP after Wigan beat them 3-2. Reading over Spurs even with Bobby Convey not even scoring once!

JS: SPL! A season becoming more useless by the week as Celtic is now up 15 points.

PR: I enjoy that Justin acts like this is the first season this has ever happened.

JS: The fantastically amazing BUNDESLIGA! KASEY KELLER—injured! In a 1-1 tie with Hamburg. Blood of my blood STUTTGART! shoots to the top of the table with their win over Hannover 96 and poor dumb Werder’s loss to Borussia Dortmund. The beloved Team Energie treaded water by going 0-0 versus Wolfsburg. And this remains the most entertaining domestic league on the planet.

PR: How was Keller hurt? Failed hair transplant?

JS: LIGUE 1! Lyon now 10 points up. Lille in second. Marseilles losing ground.

NBA
ED: Reports indicate that the Knicks paid former coach Larry Brown $18.5 million to buy out his contract.

BB: I bet this is where Phil would make an Isiah joke.

PR: YOU CAN’T BE MEAN TO ISIAH!!! HE WILL BENCH YOU!!! NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!!! YOUR FOX SPORTS SUPERSTAR CAN’T SAVE YOU HERE!!!!

MM: David Lee averaging 19 boards per 48 minutes. Isiah's got the next John Havlicek RIGHT THERE. Has the NBA ever seen a post-playing version of Steve Kerr? Trade Lee to Cleveland, Lebron gets his bizzaro-John-Paxson.

PR: Hey another person who thinks drinking and driving is a wise choice – Bobcats assistant coach John-Blair Bickerstaff suspended two games after his DWI. This story was a lot funnier to me when I thought it was Bernie Bickerstaff. OH WAIT!!! John-Blair is Bernie’s kid. Oh yeah – that’s the good stuff.

JS: So has Yao Ming finally started to be consistently great? I mean, I know you could think of ways to dismiss 35 points against the Knicks and 34 against the increasingly immobile Shaquille O’Neal. But I think at least the Rik Smits comparisons can safely be shelved.

JS: CLIPPERS! won their fifth in a row over the semi-surprising Hornets. The Jazz are somehow 6-1? The Hawks are on top of the Eastern? The first few weeks are going to be little silly, apparently.

JF: The Blazers don’t suck. At least they don’t suck until I make my way down there. BRANDON ROY IS R-O-Y! He’s hurt? ALDRIDGE, ALDRIDGE, HE’S OUR MAN! TRADE EVERYONE BUT HIM! What?

NHL
ED: Oh, like I have any patience for this.

BB: This is where I would again concur.

PR: Umm... the Ducks have won a lot of games to start the season. The Flyers are still stinky. The Rangers at least win enough to probably make the playoffs. And that is about all we care about hockey.

JS: Oh, and the Devils are still ahead of the Rangers. THERE—that’s the true and final limit of our hockey fandom. Unless Marc wants to complain about the Coyotes at some point.

MLB
ED: Johnny Sain dead at 89. Oh man, if Jim Kaat give the eulogy the funeral could last a year.

BB: This is where Jim Bouton would be crying.

PR: Buddy Kerr also died at 84 but since he is old and none of us picked him in the death pool we will move on.

ED: George Steinbrenner, on the other hand, is not dead. I repeat: George Steinbrenner is not dead.

BB: This is where I would make a Homestar Runner reference and look awfully unhip. And Rippa would make a Fark joke and we would all laugh and laugh.

PR: FOOBIES!!! Umm... err... Aww Crap!!!

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! The Rangers hire Ron Washington as their new manager and Art Howe as their new bench coach. The Cubs hire Ivan DeJesus as personal assistant to Manager Lou Piniella and Gerald Perry as hitting coach. The Reds hire DICK POLE!!! as their new pitching coach. The Tigers promote LLOYD MCCLENDON!!! as their new hitting coach and hire Jeff Jones as their new bullpen coach. The Padres hire Bud Black as their new manager.

PR: The Nationals are reported to name Manny Acta as their manager. Kirk Gibson is now the bench coach in Arizona. Marc has misplaced his pants.

BB: In lieu of anything else I will just add here:

Phil (5:34:07 PM): okay - have to reboot since I accidentially disconected my mous
Phil (5:34:09 PM): e

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Red Sox decline the 07 option on PVC!!! Keith Foulke allowing him to become a FA. The Dodgers sign IF Ramon Martinez. The Padres trade 2B Josh Barfield to the Indians for 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff and P Andrew Brown. The Cubs re-sign DL Wade Miller. Dodgers baserunner extraordinaire JD Drew opts out of the 07 option on his contract making himself a FA. The Astros re-sign TOAST!!! Craig Biggio. The Yankees trade OF/1B/DH Gary Sheffield to the Tigers for P’s Humberto Sanchez, Kevin Whelan and Anthony Claggett. The Cubs re-sign DL Kerry Wood and 3B Aramis Ramirez.

PR: And the Orioles traded for... hehehehehehe... Jaret Wright... hehehehehehe.

BB: This is where Joe would drunkenly ramble something about how Josh Barfield has a white name and then Phil would give him credit for not beating his dad.

PR: Barfield or Joe?

JF: Though I am hammered right now, I think you have me confused with someone else. Like Dusty Baker or somesuch. And, yeah, I spent a couple minutes figuring out all the permutations your pronoun maze set up there.

MM: Cardinals switch-hitter Jim Edmonds re-ups for another couple years. $19 mil for a concussed center fielder who will be 39 at the end of the contract. Yep. Walt Jocketty. Good job.

ED: The Oakland A’s are moving to Fremont, California, supposedly. Christ, why not just move to Columbus?

PR: Oh man - Ed having to explain THAT to his Dad would be tremendous.

ED: Doc Gooden is released from prison. Tag team, anyone?

BB: This is where Phil would cut and paste the lyrics from Whoomp There It Is.

PR: There were lyrics besides “Whoomp, There It Is”?

MM: "Tag Team, back again Check it to wreck it, Lets begin, Party up party people. Let me hear some noise! DC's in the house, Jump jump for joy..." ...and that's just off the top of my head.

PR: Citigroup reportedly buys the naming rights for the new Mets stadium (to be called “CitiField”). If they pull up people’s accounts before letting them into the stadium, I am screwed.

OTHER
ED: Kevin Harvick wins theChecker Auto Parts 500. Jesus Christ, NASCAR season will last until Christmas.

JF: Which puts the Daytona 500 around… the end of the feast of Epiphany.

ED: Former Bear and Cowboy Alonzo Spellman has his first MMA fight for King of the Cage. Since this wasn’t Pride, I have no idea what the result is. But we can assume that Spellman is still crazy.

PR: Can Meltzer take credit for booking this match?

JS: ISU GRAND PRIX! CUP OF CHINA! America’s own Evan Lysacek took gold. Emily Hughes could not keep pace—she took bronze between Julia Sebestyen of Hungary and Japan’s Yakari Nakano, who’s probably like the 20th best Japanese skater to give you an idea of their crazy depth. Belbin and Agosto! Silver!