The Week That Was 11/07/05 - 11/13/05

ED: Don't mess with Mama Urbina.

PR: PVK! PVK! PVK!

BB: I think that is a little culturally insensitive of you there Phil. Then again, I don’t care.

NFL

ED: Former Steeler Steve Courson is killed when a tree he was cutting down fell on him. When did we become the Darwin Awards?

PR: Especially when you realize that he was trying to protect his dog from the falling tree. Of course, the fact that none of us had the guy who constantly talked about his steroid use in the death pool is…. sad. Ed’s hate of the Steelers failed him.

ED: Umm, nothing going on in Philly at all. Nope. Nothing. Forget TO. Forget it all.

PR: All I know is that there was a giant batch of Suzy Kolber reporting the last 10 days or so. Mmm… Suzy Kolber. I could care less about the rest of this story. Sweet sweet Suzy in cashmere sweater… oh yeah… umm… sorry… give me a minute.

ED: Panthers cheerleaders. Sex. Drugs. Fighting. Yeah, that is a chokers delight.

PR: Lesbian cheerleaders and Suzy Kolber. Okay, I am going to need less than a minute.

ED: The NFL reaches a preliminary agreement with the city of Los Angeles to put a team there…eventually. Aww, games that no one will attend. Nice.

BB: Maybe if Phil’s still going, he can get back to his baseball preview fantasy of stadiums sleeping with other stadiums. SHEA IS NO SLUMP BUSTER!

ED: Redskins Clinton Portis and Sean Taylor are fined $20K and $5K respectively for uniform violations. Yeah-yeah. Again, we state that, financially, it makes more sense just to punch someone in the jimmy.

BB: Well, it is now $7500 to punch someone in the jimmy. Maybe you can get away with $5000 if it’s a glancing blow.

ED: INJURIES!!! Jets TE Chris Baker (done for the year with an ankle injury), Jets WR Wayne Chrebet (done for the year with another concussion), Cards DB Bertrand Berry (done for the year with a torn pec), Dolphins WR David Boston (done for the year with a bad knee), 49ers OT Jonas Jennings (done for the season with a bad shoulder), Chiefs RB Priest Holmes (done for the season with shoulder, neck and head injuries), Bears OT Fred Miller (out two weeks after hurting his jaw in a "fall" at his house), Rams G Richie Incognito (done for the year with a bad knee), Eagles C Hank Fraley (done for the year with a rotator cuff), Seahawks LB Jamie Sharper (out indefinitely with a bad knee), Vikings CB Fred Smoot (out 4-6 weeks with a broken collarbone), Pats CB Duane Starks (done for the season with a bum shoulder), Jags RB Fred Taylor (out at least a week with a bum ankle), Redskins S Sean Taylor (out at least a week with a bum ankle)

PR: Okay, Wayne Chrebet’s brain is officially broken. I wonder if Lavar Arrington will try to improve his rep by taking credit for that too. It may or may not be a tumor for Holmes. It will all depend on the effect of Dick Vermeil’s magical healing tears. And Fred Miller must haven “fallen” in Brian Griese’s driveway. Poor poor fake injury reports.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Vikings sign QB J.T. O'Sullivan and release CB Ken Irvin. The Jets sign WR's Harry Williams Jr. and Dante Ridgeway. The Dolphins sign WR Cliff Russell. The Bears cut RB Marc Edwards. The Saints sign RB Anthony Thomas. The Ravens release P Kordell Stewart. The Seahawks release Jerheme Urban. The Eagles sign TE Chad Lewis. The Cowboys sign LB Quinten Carver and release S Tony Dixon.

PR: Oh man – the Cowboys signing Quinten Carver must have been a fun day as I am sure there were drunken ranch hands picking up the paper and read it as Quincy Carter and then proceeded to not only swear that Quincy Carter was back but that he was signed to play linebacker.

BB: …Cocaine is a hell of a drug?

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Redskins RB Timmy Smith pleads not guilty to charges of trafficking coke. Former Oiler, Charger and Bronco DB Darryll Lewis busted for evading the police and for possession of crank. Saints CB Fakhir Brown busted for DUI.

BB: Fakhir Brown was in trouble as soon as he told the cop what his name was.

ED: The end of Week 9 saw: Indy whip the Pats, 40-21. Mmmm, bitter Simmons.

BB: IT DIDN’T MEAN ANYTHING!!!!! OK – I’ll make one salient point. I read the Belicheck-going-for-it-on-fourth-and-one exactly the opposite of the way he did; he saw it as desperation and I saw it as trying to assert authority. Of course, I think teams should go for it every time on fourth and one since, you know, the average NFL team gets like four yards a carry. But keep it down. Jimmy Kimmel is sleeping.

WEEK TEN!!!

ED: Hey! A Joey Harrington sighting! Apparently, the hetero young man realizes his lust for the female from when confronted by the Arizona girly-men as Detroit takes the Cards, 29-21.

PR: Hey! Roy Williams! Remember him? He probably won’t have 3 touchdowns over the course of the next three seasons. And Larry Fitzgerald yet again proves that he is about 6000 times better than anyone else on the Cardinals.

ED: Indy's C-team and JV players handle the Texans, 31-17.

PR: GREATEST UNDEFEATED TEAM EVER!!!! Nevermind, we have beaten the Texans twice and the Browns and Niners and Ravens and Titans. 16-0!!!!! Sadly, I actually want them to go undefeated just to infuriate the 72 Dolphins. CLASSIC HATE!

BB: You know they will find some other way to make me bitter, like auctioning off the bottle of champagne they never opened on eBay because Brian Griese needs a wheelchair ramp out of his house or something.

ED: ELI MANNING!!! GREATEST QB EVER!!! Whoops! Vikings 24, Giants 21.

PR: I… I… I… yup, still can’t talk about it.

BB: I can almost deal with this because I got to see the Mike Tice injury and that is worth an unfortunate loss.

ED: The Bears handle the wind like the Cubs handle the heat, taking the 49ers, 17-9.

PR: The Bears make the CFL proud. Well, actually, to make them really proud they would resign Henry Burris but the returned FG works.

ED: Baltimore-Jacksonville. God. The NFL schedule makers really have a good sense of humor. Jags 30, Ravens 3.

PR: And folks like to focus on how bad some teams in the NFC are.

ED: Aww, KC isn't the greatest team in the world when not facing a prevent defense. Bills 14, Chiefs 3.

PR: Football can be an ugly ugly mistress.

ED: Peter King prepares to make sweet love to scrub defensive backs as the Pats hold off the Dolphins, 23-16.

BB: There is a Hank Poteat in a Little Bo Peep costume joke that I’m not making. No sir.

ED: Denver whips Oakland, 31-17. Yeah, the Raiders suck. And yeah, the best thing that could happen to Kerry Collins is for him to get hit by a bus. But the Broncos have Jake Plummer. And that time bomb's just ready to go off. And considering that moustache he's wearing, Lord knows how - and in what way, and upon what small child - he will explode.

BB: Do you think being a pedophile would get Jake Plummer a worse fine than if he got caught using steroids?

ED: The Jets are all about the 2006 USC experience it seems as Carolina beats the bejeezus out of them, 30-3.

PR: Aww… you saw how well it worked out the last time the Jets picked a guy from USC with the #1 pick.

BB: LINEART!!

ED: Brett Favre wins the battle of horrendously overrated QB's as Green Bay upsets Atlanta, 33-25. His prize? Oh. We can't talk about what Peter King will give him here.

BB: I have read some Bret Easton Ellis. I can figure it out.

PR: Actually, that might be my favorite part of the TO story. How no one was willing to point out how amazingly crappy Favre was doing this year. Poor little 15 picks.

ED: Is God so powerful that He can create a self-promoting "character" coach whom The Lord's faithful minion cannot beat? Apparently so. Tampa Bay 36, Washington 35.

PR: Apparently, Jesus will be smiting those refs.

BB: Who would have thought, it’s probably a better bet to pin your chance of winning on one play where you have to get two yards than to kick an extra point and deal with overtime. Geez.

ED: Millions of years ago, there was something called "football" west of the Mississippi. Now we just have the severely flawed Seahawks manhandling sad-sack St. Louis, 31-16.

PR: I am still mad at Seattle not beating the Redskins.

ED: BAH! Like any sane person watched that Cleveland-Pittsburgh crapfest.

PR: Aww… your state is filled with lots and lots of crazy people who would watch this… and buy a Browns Element.

CFL

ED: COACHING MOVES!!! Ottawa hires John Jenkins as their new head coach. Winnipeg fires head coach Jim Daley.

PR: Aww… the By-Towners were blinded by Jenkins’ amazingly bleached blonde hair.

PLAYOFFS!!!

ED: Anthony Calvillo owns the world as Montreal downs Saskatchewan, 30-14.

ED: Jason Maas says, "HAH! Ricky Ray, the Jets are right! You suck!" As Maas comes off the bench and bails out Edmonton in their, 33-26 win over Calgary. No word on what Quincy Carter was doing at that very moment.

PR: Trying to get people to think he was Quinten Carver?

NCAA

ED: The NCAA puts Arizona State on two years' probation for…the…usual stuff I guess. Dunno. Didn't really pay that much attention. But really, who does pay any attention to Arizona State?

PR: Why do you want to piss off one of our three readers? We are sorry Marc. Come back!

PR: Basketball started up. The Dick Vitale heart attack watch begins.

PR: It’s down to USC and Texas as the only unbeaten teams. THE BCS WORKS!!!! LONG LIVE POLLS!!! AND COMPUTERS!!!! BUT ONLY FOR THIS PURPOSE!!! NOT FOR THAT PESKY SABERMETRICS!!!!

BB: Johnny Pesky is the father of sabermetrics???

NBA

ED: The Sacramento Kings apologize for bashing the city of Detroit prior to the teams' season opening game against the Pistons. Now, normally I would be all about not ever needing to apologize for bashing Detroit. But Sacramento bashing Detroit? Wow! I mean…Wow!

NHL

ED: Seriously, where the hell is this Outdoor Life Channel that the NHL is supposed to be on? Is this like some UHF station that I need to do rabbit ear acrobatics to get or something?

PR: Ed fears cable… and the 600s on DirecTV.

MLB

ED: Phillies P Ugueth Urbina is arrested for attempted murder after ALLEGEDLY being part of a group of men who attacked five workers on his ranch with machetes and attempted to set them on fire. Seriously, we need a TO-UUU death match like yesterday.

PR: I promise you , I have no idea why Ed put that extra U in. Maybe he thinks Uggie is at a disadvantage and that is Ed’s form of a handicap. Of course, living in Venezuela might be enough of a handicap so I could see where Ed is coming from. Luckily, all of us are dirt poor so our mothers should be safe from kidnapping.

BB: The last U is for UNLEASHED! Or UFC. One or the other. Undoubtedly. Hey!

ED: Rafael Palmeiro. Steroids. Congress. Perjury. Blah-blah-blah. Like this is even half as interesting as Uggie.

BB: Clearly Urbina’s more of a threat than some andro.

ED: AWARDS!!! A's P Huston Street named AL ROY. Phillies 1B Ryan Howard named NL ROY. Indians GM Mark Shapiro is named GM of the year. Angels P Bartolo Colon wins the AL Cy Young. Cardinals P Chris Carpenter wins the NL Cy Young. White Sox Mgr. Ozzie Guillen wins AL MOY. Braves Mgr. Bobby Cox wins the NL MOY.

PR: Aww… everyone who didn’t win was screwed. At least that is what the internet tells me.

ED: Pete Rose Jr. pleads guilty to distributing GBL to his teammates when a member of the Chattanooga Lookouts. Rose faces up to 21-24 months of prison on the charges. Papa Rose is likely making bets on the sentence being less than a year, assumedly.

BB: Oh I am sure Pete is fading the action on lil Hit Machine getting stabbed to death in prison.

ED: Mavericks owner Mark Cuban expresses an interest in buying the Pittsburgh Pirates but is told to take his geekiness elsewhere.

PR: I don’t think lanky Germans are welcomed in Pennsylvania.

BB: Is that why Alex Wright couldn’t get a job?

ED: ESPN The Magazine reveals that…gasp!...there are steroids in that there baseball game! And Wally Joyner 'roiding probably is the final nail in the coffin for 'roids being considered a performance enhancer.

PR: Highlights: Wally Joyner’s Mormon movies. Todd Helton movie producer. Jason Giambi executive producer.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Indians re-sing Scott CY!!! Sauerbeck. The Cubs sign OUT!!! Neifi Perez. The Padres decline the option of OF Eric Young allowing him to become a FA. The Yankees decline the option on Tino Martinez allowing him to become a FA. D-Backs P Javier Vazquez files a trade demand.

PR: Oof… The Yanks are really planning on playing Giambi at first for all 162 games. Thank God for that new 50 games for the first offense rule.

BB: Aww…poor little not forthcoming HGH test.

ED: Hey! Hot Potato! The Tigers send IF John McDonald back to Toronto for cash one week after picking him up from said Blue Jays for cash! Wow! Why?

PR: Aww… the Blue Jays are trying to pay in Canadian money.

BB: Did he smell that bad?

ED: Bobby Valentine becomes the first American-born manager to lead a Japanese team to an Asia Series title as the Chiba Lotte Marines are your Japan champs. Mmm, smirky.

SOCCER

PR: The first legs of the final World Cup Qualifiers took place. Yeah, we can cover this next week.

BB: DANGER!!!!

PR: Old Trafford may or may not have been bugged. Fans try to decide which American to be angry at.

PR: Oh yeah – Portsmouth continues to deliver the funny. And now I wish I had Alain Perrin in the death pool.

BB: Or Milan Mandaric. Next week’s soccer section is gonna be exciting.

OTHER

ED: Kyle Busch wins the Checker Auto Parts 500. I really can't wait until they start racing in snow tires.

BB: Did he do a drunken lap?

ED: Defending Nextel Cup champion Kurt Busch is suspended for the final two races of the Nextel Cup after being arrested for reckless op and suspicion of DUI.

BB: God – the baseball Christensen/Batista disease has spread to NASCAR. Oh boy.

PR: First the Vitali Klitschko/Hasim Rahman fight was postponed because of a Klitschko injury and then Klitschko retired because of said injury. All the while, HBO kept airing a special called “Countdown to Klitschko-Rahman”. Aww… that Countdown will never end.