The Week That Was 11/14/05 - 11/20/05

ED: We want CLUTCH! We want CLUTCH!

PR: Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please. Kill me. I want to die. Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad.

BB: God Phil, if you really wanted to die you should just own the Giants.

NFL

ED: Giants co-owner Robert Tisch dead of brain cancer at 79.

PR: Maybe this will be like how every year one member of the Yanks would have a father kick it and then they would win the World Series. Yes, I am morbidly hoping the Giants win the Super Bowl. I made Eddie Guerrero die. What do I care?

ED: INJURIES!!! Steelers QB? Charlie Batch (out at least two weeks with a broken hand), 49ers S Tony Parrish (out for the season with a broken leg), Jets T Jason Fabini (out for the season with a torn pec), Bears RB Cedric Benson (out for…a while with a sprained MCL), Patriots C Dan Koppen (out for the season with a bad shoulder), Patriots CB Randall Gray (done for the season with a bad ankle), Cardinals G Reggie Wells (done for the season with a broken ankle), Rams G Tom Nutten (done for the season with a bad kneck), Eagles QB Donovan McNabb (out at least this week - maybe for the season - to get his groin right), Vikings RB Moe Williams (done for the season with a bad knee), Giants LB Reggie Torbor (out 2-4 weeks with a hernia), Redskins WR David Patten (done for the season with a bad knee)

PR: I am trying to figure out why Ed wrote Randall Gray. I am guessing in the red-states the word “Gay” is automatically put in the auto-correct in Word.

BB: I am trying to figure out what a kneck is. And don’t the Giants know about the German hernia doctor???

ED: Vikings head coach Mike Tice will wait until the end of the season to have the sprained knee ligament he suffered in the Vikings-Giants game worked on - if needed. Uhh, Mike. You might wanna get that worked on now while you're still covered by the Vikings medical plan. Just a suggestion.

PR: Aww… he is so going to keep his job and then not get surgery and then Matt Millen will declare that the rest of the division should be made up of people like Mike Tice. Since Tice and Millen are the only real men in the division.

BB: And they will kiss. Tenderly yet passionately.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The 49ers claim TE Terry Jones off of waivers from Baltimore. The Browns sign CB James Thorton. The Cardinals release J.J. Moses for like the 20th time this season. I am so going to become J.J. Moses' biggest fan just for that alone.

PR: The Cards are letting their people go. Oh yeah… I am unfunny and skew old. Poor poor website.

ED: The Minnesota Supreme Court throws out Korey Stringer's widow's request to file a wrongful death suit against the Vikings. You know Dennis Green is taunting OJ right about now.

PR: How exactly would he do that? Does he call him up going “Hey, OJ… I know where the real killer is!” And OJ gets giddy and asks what golf course said killer is at. And Dennis Green just hangs up and laughs and laughs and laughs…. And then calls building maintenance and demands they raise the temperature in the building because the office staff needs to be toughened up.

ED: Panthers head coach John Fox apologizes to the Jets for comments Panthers CB Ken Lucas made about the Jets quitting in the Jets' 30-3 trouncing by the Panthers. Darn tootin'. The Jets would have to have started playing before they could have quit.

PR: Aww… they all have broken brains. But at least they are playing to win the game. As opposed to Nick Saban.

BB: What, are you TMQ now? I thought that was my gimmick?

ED: Bears C Olin Kreutz 'fesses up to breaking teammate Fred Miller's jaw in a fight they had at an FBI shooting range. Brian Griese's dog refuses to comment.

BB: Yeah – everyone’s hitting their jokes. I have nothing here.,

ED: Long-time Giants PA announcer Bob Sheppard announces he will retire at the end of the season. Assumedly, Michael Kay will report this as Sam Sheppard is retiring…or a German Shepherd has raped Derek Jeter. Or something. Fill in your own HI-larious Michael Kay joke here.

PR: New York is going to be the place where free agents don't want to come again. People are going to look at each other and say, 'Wait a minute, Bob Sheppard got booed. I'll take a million dollars less and go play someplace where I'm not going to get booed.

BB: I want to be in this room where free agents are looking at each other and talking about Bob Sheppard. The only place this could possibly occur is OTB.

ED: Ex-Browns ticket manager, John Tironi, is sentenced to six-moths house arrest for illegally selling Browns tickets. Of course, in my world, selling Browns tickets at all would be illegal.

PR: Does six-months house arrest mean that your doors are tethered shut with several million strands of the finest silk around?

BB: I was thinking for six months you’d have to risk a patient’s life.

ED: Kansas City is tentatively awarded the chance to host a Super Bowl if the Chiefs build a roof over that crapheap of a stadium. Man, no one's going to enter a contest to get Super Bowl tickets the year KC hosts the game, that's for certain.

BB: The great thing is the initial plan is/was to build a roof that can be wheeled back and forth from Kaufman Stadium to Arrowhead. That is such a Madden invention. Of course – in Madden they have the force field dome. So they are way ahead of us.

ED: The end of Week 10 saw: Dallas take the Eagles late, 21-20.

WEEK ELEVEN!! I was in a grocery store this weekend and heard Urge Overkill's cover of "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" which, of course, put me in the time machine and made me think about how I was wasting my life 10 years ago. Let's look back in anger, shall we?

ED: Let's see...10 years ago the Cards were the Phoenix Cards and the Rams were still in LA. Both teams sucked. I was in a dead end job that I loathed. The more things change...Arizona 38, St. Louis 28.

PR: Yeah – I am not going to comment on Ed’s misty water colored memories so I am just going to look at rosters from 1995 and pick out guys who might make decent FPOTMs. (And for the most part ignore things like Ed thinking the Cards were in St. Louis in 1995).

Cards – Frank Sanders (aww… I so should use him instead of Yancey Thigpen in my next random wideout jokes). I am sure I will talk about Rob Moore at some point in time too. Rams – I guess I could talk Ed into a Jessie Hester one.

ED: Ten years ago, Dallas was at the end of their Super Bowl dominance. Barry Sanders hadn't quit yet. I was merely angry instead of bitter. Dallas 20, Detroit 7.

PR: Aww… the Cowboys had like 300 pro bowlers that year. So no one is forgotten.

ED: Jacksonville was brand spanking new and boring. Tennessee was in Houston and sucked. I was still young and naive and hopeful of a decent future. Bah. Jags 31, Titans 28.

PR: Aww… if we ever do our expansion draft feature… the Jags will be fun. I could also spend awhile talking about Haywood Jeffires but when I start to think about the Oilers I think about Earl Campbell and then I get angry at Bum Phillips.

ED: New Orleans was still a city on a map instead of the new Atlantis. New England was...I dunno...waving their wangs at female reporters? I still had hair. God is cruel. Pats 24, Saints 17.

PR: Man – I haven’t done a FPOTM on Quinn Early. I suck. At least in 1995, the Saints were able to beat the Pats (31-17).

ED: Ray Handley and Rich Kotite! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Aww, but I assume my fashion choices sucked too. (I also assume I got those coaching time frames all wrong, but I don't care.) Giants 27, Eagles 17.

PR: Aww… this would be painful it if was true but 95 was Dan Reeves 2^nd year in NY. Of course, it sucked but it was still Reeves and not Handley. The Jets… well yeah – that was Rick Kotite. At least the Jets won 3 games that year. Poor poor 1996.

ED: Carolina-Chicago. See the Jags-Titans game. Reuse the Jax part with the Panthers. Replace "Tennessee was in Houston" with the Bears were in...a state of denial. We all were, really. Etc. Bears 13, Panthers 3.

PR: Oh yeah – the Panthers running back corps were amazing. DINO PHILYAW~!

ED: Miami was ignoring the fact that their QB sucked. Cleveland was ignoring the fact that their whole set up sucked. I was alternating between hope and the thought that everything sucked. Gloom. Early 20's. Navel-gazing. Mud-N-Honey. Yippee. Browns, 22, Dolphins 0.

PR: Aww… you mean Bill Belichick wasn’t a genius in 1995?!?!?!? I am shocked to learn this.

ED: Oakland was in LA. Washington was...with Norv Turner? Ain't it funny how time slips away? RAIDERS!!! 16, Redskins 13.

PR: Aww… the Redskins couldn’t be the Raiders 10 years ago either.

ED: Tampa Bay was emerging from serious laughstockdom. Atlanta was...umm...doing the tomahawk chop? *shrug* Amazing how little I still care about either team 10 years down the line. Much the same as how I have little care about anything at this stage in the game. Bucs 30, Falcons 27.

PR: Errict Rhett easily won the “most ridiculous spelling of a name” contest. Though teammate Tyji Armstrong put up a good fight.

ED: Baltimore was Cleveland. Pittsburgh was being carried by Neil O'Donnell. I was probably trying to think a band like Helmet didn't suck. HAH! The 90's are a miserable as the 80's. Ravens 16, Steelers 13 in OT.

ED: Seattle was in the AFC West and floundering. San Francisco was ruling the NFC West. Amazingly, I was in the Seahawks position 10 years ago and am in the 49ers position now. Stupid life. Seahawks 27, 49ers 25.

PR: Well – has it ever really been that hard to rule the NFC West?

ED: Indianapolis was lead by the super QB skills of Jim Harbaugh. Cincinnati was lead by Junior Genius Dave Shula. I thought life would get easier the further along I got. Mmm, bad ideas. 45-37, Indy.

PR: Poor poor Bengals. The Colts that year were really fun as they made the playoffs at 9-7 and then somehow came a dropped Hail Mary away from reaching the Super Bowl.

ED: Jets-Denver. Glen Foley v. Captain Horseteeth? Man...even more depressing, I was working in Dayton at the time. Ugh. Well, there's a good way to feel better about now, I guess. Denver rolls, 27-0.

PR: It was actually Boomer not Foley (Foley only showed up for one game). Still all Rich Kotite though.

ED: Buffalo-San Diego. What? This would have been Jim Kelly v. like, Sean Salisbury, right? God, if we only knew, we could have taken a high powered rifled and saved ourselves a lot of grief. Just...like...with...me. Oof. 48-10, Chargers.

PR: Aww… Ed really hates Stan Humphries.

ED: Houston was the Oilers who now are the Titans. The Chiefs were still irritating yet dull. I was clueless and pathetic. Let's just...yeah. I need to go cry.

PR: Aww… about now I would make an inappropriate Derrick Thomas seat belt joke but I need to get this done before the holidays.

CFL

ED: Injury!!! Argos RB John Avery will miss the Montreal-Toronto Eastern Conference Finals due to a bad hammy.

PLAYOFFS!!!

ED: EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS!!! Eric Lapointe rushes for 3 TD's as Montreal whips Toronto, 33-17

BB: I think Ed got confused, isn’t Eric Lapointe a fourth line winger for the Canadiens? Or Kings?

ED: WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS!!! Jason Maas does it again in relief as Edmonton tops BC, 28-23.

NCAA

ED: RIVALRY WEEKEND!!! Mmm, time for me to run errands during the Ohio State-Michigan game! No lines! No waiting!

PR: Why can’t college football be over yet? Oh and Reggie Bush had a really really good day.

BB: Wait – I know how this one goes. HE’S TOO VALUABLE TO RETURN KICKS! YOU SHOULD’VE KNOWN THAT BEFORE HE TORE HIS KN…wait, he didn’t? Oh. Maybe that was just Jason Sehorn then.

NBA

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former NBA player Isaiah "J.R." Rider is arrested for domestic violence after being falsely accused of trying to defraud a bank. Celtics G Tony Allen is indicted on aggravated assault charges stemming from a fight in August. Sadly, I reported this as Ray Allen and had even made a Jesus joke before I realized Ray Allen doesn't play for the Celtics. Yeah. Well. That pretty much says all you need to know about how hip I am to the NBA.

Bill: OK – my pick is another crazy NBA player. Has been kicked off of pretty much every team he was ever on. Disappears on a regular basis.

ED: Former NBA Vlade Divac player is cleared of draft dodging charges by his country of Serbia-Montenegro. Yes, Serbia-Montenegro still wanted the ancient Divac to serve in its army. It's good to know there are army's less picky than the US Army.

BB: And somehow Darko remains unmolested.

PR: Dick Cheney probably said mean things about him too.

ED: Something to amuse only us:

Rippa: Well you need to put in the NBA section that Stephan Marbury wants to play shooting guard.

Rippa: That story is making my day

Ed: Why would I put that in?

Rippa: Okay - I will have to write it

Ed: God, I have 2 arrest stories and a dodging the draft deal

Rippa: Because he had declared himself the GREATEST POINT GUARD IN THE LEAGUE!!!!

Ed: That's pretty much all the NBA I need

Rippa: and now Larry Brown hates him

Rippa: Its more me being able to hate on the Knicks some more

Ed: OK. I cannot make a joke from it, but I will throw it in for you

Ed: Maybe I can Jooge it or something

Rippa: Just put a note so this way I dont forget that I want to comment about it

Jooge: They are good at this, no?

NHL

ED: Columbus picks up Sergei Federov from Anaheim for beans. Beans. Yeah, Federov better get used to the concept of beans in Columbus. Beans. And corn. And cows. Lots and lots of cows.

PR: This is where I had the AIM log of where I told Ed about the trade thinking he had at least heard of Federov. Well Ed had… but he had to connect the dots via who was sleeping with Anna Kournikova.

MLB

ED: MLB and the MLBPA announce a new drug testing policy that would give a 50 day suspension to first-time 'roid offenders, 100 for the second offense and a lifetime ban on a third offense. Also included in the deal is an amphetamine testing policy that will dish out suspensions when players test positive for greenies. Oh man, that second part is going to be LOADS more fun than the first.

PR: Aww… HULK MAD!!! HULK SMASH!!!

BB: Poor, poor Seattle Pilots. You’re gonna be suspended forever.

ED: AWARDS!!! Yankees UNCLUTCH!!! 3B Alex Rodriguez wins the AL MVP. Cardinals YOUNGSTER!!! 1B Albert Pujols wins the NL MVP.

PR: The highlight of all this – Jayson Stark suddenly becoming a Red Sox fan. MIKE GREENWALL 4 EVR!!!!

BB: I can’t wait for the “HE WAS SCREWED IN JAPAN!!!” article.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Blue Jays re-sign P Josh Towers. The Yankees re-sign OF Hideki Matsui. The Mets decline the options on P's Felix Heredia and Kaz Ishii allowing both to become FA's. The Padres sign UTILICRUD WORLD SERIES HERO!!! Geoff Blum. The Reds claim P Mike Burns off of waivers from the Astros. The Cubs sign P Scott Eyre. The Nats sign UTL Marlon Anderson. The Brewers re-sign Rick Helling.

PR: Aww… will this Mike Burns be unable to defend corners too. YES!!! I GO BEFORE BILL SO I GET TO STEAL HIS JOKE!!!!!

ED: TRADES!!! The Padres send OF/1B Xavier Nady to the Mets for OF Mike Cameron (Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Oooo!). The Cubs trade P Jon Leicester to the Rangers for the ol' PTBNL.

BB: I don’t think Mike Cameron would commit incest.

ED: Hey! GM/Manager movement! The Devil Rays hire Joe Maddon as their new manager. The Dodgers hire Ned Colletti as their new GM.

BB: If they hired John Madden they’d get 95% of the success and 300% the fun.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Oil Can Boyd is arrested on charges of making phone threats to a former girlfriend. Orioles P Todd Williams is arrested on suspicion of DUI after wrecking his Ford Escape. Ford Escape? Todd Williams apparently likes to be laughed at.

PR: Well he was willing to sign with the Orioles as a free agent.

BB: You would think the consenting adult excuse wouldn’t apply for baseball.

ED: Five umpires owed back pay by MLB refuse $1.9 million to cover such basically so they can continue spending loads more money in legal fees to continue suing MLB for not likely much more than the $1.9 million they are owed. Make sense? Of course, now. These are umpires we're talkin' 'bout.

BB: Aww…be brave Eric Gregg.

ED: Mariners OF ICHIRO!!! Suzuki (HAH! He has a second name people!) gives an interview with a Japanese newspaper stating his unhappiness with his teammates' commitment last season. Apparently, they were all too busy trying to hit the ball out of the infield to please ol' slappy.

SOCCER

PR: Manchester United captain... err... former captain Roy Keane parted ways suddenly with the club by mutual consent on Friday. Portsmouth immediately makes my day (for the humor not because it would be smart) by immediately declaring their interest.

BB: Roy Keane has absolutely no interest in joining Portsmouth. You can offer him up to £50,000 a week."

PR: The final five spots in the 2006 World Cup were decided.

The Qualifiers

Czech Republic (over Norway)

Spain (over Slovakia)

Switzerland (over Turkey)

Australia (over Uruguay)

Trinidad & Tobago (over Bahrain)

BB: The Australia match on Australian TV may have been the most wonderfully biased commentary I’ve ever heard. It ruled.

PR: Sweet sweet rioting. Now while Bahrain was angry and liked to rough up the ref, that still couldn't top the rumble at the end of Turkey/Switzerland. Poor poor Swiss groin.

BB: There was a serious porkchop sandwich situation at the end of that game.

PR: The LA Galaxy beat the New England Revolution 1-0 in extra time to win the MLS Cup. The Galaxy was the Western Conference's 4th seed. TOP 30 LEAGUE!!!!

OTHER

ED: Greg Biffle wins the Ford 400 but that doesn't matter since it's all about Tony Stewart winning the Nextel Cup Championship by finishing 15th in the race. Don't care? Don't worry. NASCAR season's over for like a week. Finally.

BB: Now I can turn right in peace.

PR: OMG! OMG! OMG! Roger Federer lost!!!! How will the children people able to live in this cruel cruel world?