The Week That Was 11/21/05 - 11/27/05

ED: We are THANKFUL!!! THANKFUL!!!

PR: Oh a side note – when Pat Morita got up to the Pearly Gates and he was greeted by St. Peter, did St. Peter make him do “Wax On! Wax Off!” to prove his identity? Or did he let him straight in because he had to star in a movie with Jay Leno?

NFL

ED: Former Brown Frank Gatski dead at 84.

PR: Was his hearse painted up in Browns colors? Is it possible to do anything tactfully in Ohio?

BB: Frank Gatski sounds like the guy the NFL logo would be a silhouette of if the NFL logo was silhouetted like the NBA one. I’m not sure if Gatski would become a genius GM though; if he did, the headlines would sure get old after a while. GREAT GATSKI!

ED: Forget TO. Seriously, forget TO.

BB: OK fine. You talk about TO though…

PR: Herman Edwards certainly forgets what a TO is all the time.

ED: OK. We'll forget him after this - the Eagles file a complaint with the NFL accusing the Cowboys of tampering with Terrell Owens based on comments Cowboys owner Jerry Jones made about Owens on a radio show. No-no-no. That has nothing to do with tampering. Jerry Jones likes to talk to men about men in all kinds of places - radio shows just happen to be one of them.

BB: Well screw you Ed Agner. You lie. http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1077/is_n10_v53/ai_20971233. This man tells the truth.

ED: INJURIES!!! Dolphins LB Zach Thomas (out at least 2 weeks with a separated shoulder), Lions LB Teddy Lehman (out for the season with a foot injury), Jags S Nick Sorensen (out for the season with a broken ankle), Eagles QB Donovan McNabb (out for the season with a sports hernia), Chargers TE Ryan Krause (out for the season with a foot injury), Texans CB Phillip Buchanon (out for the season with a high ankle sprain. Hehehehe), Dolphins HETERO LB Junior Seau (out for the season with an Achilles injury), Raiders DT Warren Sapp (done for the season with a torn rotator cuff), Eagles OT Tra Thomas (done for the season with a bad back)

BB: I wonder if I could get a non-sports hernia. And I am kinda sad McNabb didn’t go to the mysterious GERMAN HERNIA DOCTOR!!! Greatest man (or woman?) in the whole world.

PR: Aww... this will give Tra Thomas plenty of time to teach the children about Jesus. At least someone is thinking about the children.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Redskins sign KR Antonio Brown. The Eagles claim WR Carl Ford off waivers from the Bears. The Chiefs sign CB Alphonso Hodge. The Cowboys sign LB Michael Barrow.

BB: Oh no. That’s Micheal Barrow. Shut up Word spellcheck. Yes, I know. It’s not my fault. Blame his parents. Not me. And official graphic of the player movement? I’ll join you and FIGHT TO THEM!

PR: Bill – do any of these links explain how to remove the fork from Barrow’s back?

ED: Rams P Bryan Barker apologizes for punting over a halftime Veterans Day salute. Leonard Little chuckles and tells his little buddy that if he really wanted to harm the vets, just drive drunk by the VOW hall.

BB: Leonard Little missed three and a half weeks cause his brother got shot. What a poor guy.

PR: Maybe we should buy him a drink.

ED: Giants Stadium will set aside prayer spaces for Muslim fans. Oh, like getting in good with Allah would make Tom Coughlin happy or something.

BB: I really hope the NFL does another one of those “getting the game results on my mobile phone” commercials like they did in the supermarket, but inside a mosque instead.

ED: Saints WR Joe Horn rips NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue for not visiting or addressing the team in regards to their displacement. Well, c'mon, Joe. Who wants to go to San Antonio?

PR: I am assuming none of the relatives of Davey Crockett.

ED: Michael Irvin is busted for speeding and possession of drug paraphernalia. Obviously, St. Michael can do no wrong thus this is another example of...ANTI-COWBOY BIAS!!!

PR: Can the mysterious friend that Irvin is blaming this on actually be Nate Newton? That would so make me giggle.

ED: The end of Week 11 saw: Minnesota takes Green Bay late 20-17.

BB: Awww….so close to “leaves it late” and if you had said that, I’d love you Ed Agner. I really would.

WEEK TWELVE!!

ED: Atlanta shows how manly they are to the confused Lions by whipping them…in a manly way, 27-7. No word on if Matt Millen enjoyed that whipping...in a manly way.

PR: I wonder if Matt Millen refuses to let Mike Utley into the Lions offices. Because clearly he isn’t manly enough to walk.

ED: Genius contra genius. Squinting through his fat-drooped eyelids into the crazy eyes of Mike Shanahan, Bill Parcells says 'Hey! Look at me! I am more genius than you! Look at all the Super Bowls I've won without LT!” Mike Shanahan stops his crazy eye from spinning like Cookie Monster's long enough to laugh at ol' Coach Cardiac and says, “That is a mighty fine zipper you have on your chest, fat boy! But look at all the playoff wins I have had since Terrell Davis blew out his knee.” Then they both laugh uncontrollably at how they have snowed the masses. All the while Phil Simms gushes about the GENIOUSOSITY! on the sidelines and America plans to murder the albino huckleberry in his sleep with those stupid irons. Ron Dayne, meanwhile, plans on spending the rest of the season trying to catch his breath in the empty bellies of myriad turkeys. Broncos 24, Cowboys 21 in OT.

BB: Again, I always get the white QB à diseased kids confused. Doug Flutie has a diseased kid. Boomer Esiason has a diseased kid. Well, had. Right? Phil Simms just has a diseased QB kid.

PR: Aww... Gunner Esiason is still alive. It was Jim Kelly’s son that died. I mean it is easy enough to confuse. They did win the same number of rings their daddies did.

ED: Remember 2001? Baltimore was full of GENIOUSOSITY! Marvin Lewis and Brian Billick somehow managed to get their elephant man sized brains into one locker room long enough to make the Ravens an offensive and defensive powerhouse. There were no players there at all. Just the brains of Marvin and Brian. Somewhere in the greater Baltimore area, some kid reflects back on all that brain power and dreams of meningitis so that he too could someday have even half the brain of Marvin and Brian. But you can't put your arms around a memory, li'l Raven fan. So don't try. Don't try. Bengals 42, Ravens 29.

BB: Isn’t that sort of brainpower only possible through autism? I could see Brian Billick loving The Clash and Puerto Rico.

PR: I could see Trisomy 21 really being an excuse for several members of the Orioles management.

ED: The best part of Buffalo sucking? It's the fact that it's Buffalo. And they suck. God can be just sometimes. Panthers 13, Bills 9.

BB: Awww…hot sauce hides most of the suck. At least, I think how that stuff is supposed to work.

ED: Chicago is the greatest defense in the history of teams who have ever played defense. No. Don't you dare pick nits and tell me that they've played a schedule full of offenses with the firepower of a French army! Don't you dare tell me that Brian Urlacher is not the greatest linebacker in the history of guys who've ever lined backs! Don't you dare! Oh. Right. No one's mentioning that, are they? Right. Sorry. Bears 13, Bucs 10.

BB: Man, Ed’s going for the French army jokes. He might as well have made a ska joke or something.

PR: DESTINATION UNKNOWN! RUBY! RUBY! RUBY! RUBY SOHO!!!!!

ED: How bad does the prospect of Minnesota playing the Browns suck? This game didn't even get shown in my neck of the wood. And we get every incredibly boring Ohio State and Big 10+1game. Man. That's some powerful suck. Vikings 24, Browns 12.

BB: Was this game not sold out because Mike Tice didn’t sell enough tickets to the game?

ED: Yeah, at this point Simmons can pretend that he never ever had any interest in the Patriots and instead spend his next few columns telling us how sexy finger blisters are - and Lord knows, Simmons probably has many experiences with blisters on his hands. Chiefs 26, Pats 16.

BB: Man, I kinda hope Paul Pierce gets stabbed again so Simmons can nurse him to health.

PR: I’m not going to have to write a running diary about that am I?

ED: So let's see...The AFC West owns the NFC East. Yet, people who do not call themselves experts sucking on Bill Parcells’ angioplasty balloons still wanna tell me that the NFC East is the place where? Umm...OK. Whatever. Chargers 23, Redskins 17 in OT.

BB: Is that the new term for man boobs?

ED: Yeesh. Titans-49ers. Otherwise known as a game a person with that DirecTV NFL package feels dirty for having access to. Eww. Titans 33, 49ers 22.

BB: I’m guessing this had a lot in common with The Brown Bunny. Who would Chloe Sevigny go for? Alex Smith? Too clean. Brandon Lloyd? Too irregular. Steve McNair? Too injured. I don’t want to figure out the football equivalent of Vincent Gallo.

PR: I just made the giant mistake of doing a Vincent Gallo google image search. All in the name of a potential joke. I would like to request my soul back.

ED: Dear Dom Capers - Not that the NFL should expand again in my lifetime but...uhh...just a guess, you're probably not gonna get another gig with an expansion team. Whether that is good for you or not, is another story entirely. Rams 33, Texans 27.

BB: Does the XFL² count?

PR: Off the top of my head, the potential coaching candidates for XFL² would probably be... Dom Capers, Mike Martz, Mike Tice, Marty Mornhinweg, Rich Kotite, David Shula, Terry Robiskie, Rusty Tillman, Dave Campo, Kevin Gilbride, Ron Meyer, Gerry DiNardo, oh and of course, Dick Butkus.

BB: You would think Rusty Tillman having to do the Jesse Ventura angle would preclude him from having to serve in the XFL².

ED: I saw in the paper today that Bono is calling out the Canadian PM for not giving enough to foreign aid. And while, of course, I have nothing but the ultimate respect for the man who gave us masterpieces such as "Lemon" and all the unitentionally funny stuff in Rattle And Hum, I sit here watching the Grey Cup and I ask myself - Golly, why wouldn't a nation that has nothing to do with Bono at all NOT take his advice considering the great shape his native country is in? And then I think, perhaps I am being too hard on Bono. After all, look at how he's given ALL his money to charity and has forsaken all the rock star trappings. And then I think, by golly, I AM being too rough on Bono. Look how relevant U2 has been all these years with that song that...ya know...sounds like all those other songs they do that has caused world peace and stuff and has never sucked. So yeah, I am silly. Listen to Bono. The point of all this - other than to properly pimp Bill's better manhandling of Bono in the Orioles preview - is that umm...Bono can just crawl off and die. Oh, and that Jack Del Rio is the Bono of the NFl. Jags 24, Cards 17.

ED: Having tickets to the Dolphins-Raiders game is exactly the same as having tickets to a Henry Rollins solo show. Exactly the same. In every way. Dolphins 33, Raiders 21.

BB: I am guessing it is nowhere near as pasty or roided up as a Henry Rollins show.

ED: Eagles 19, Packers 14. Oh, I'm certain FOX!!! was all over this game in July. And then Fall hit and reality reared its ugly head and everything...well...turned out exactly the way a normal FOX!!! series turns come the end of November.

BB: Poor Bluth Family….

ED: I'd just like to point out that somewhere in the football preview - maybe the Falcons bit - I called Jay Feely a horrible kicker. Yay! I am right! I'm certain that makes Phil and Bill all sorts of happy. Oh, and PS - Can someone please make Moose Johnston shut up? Please? Seattle 24, Giants 21 in OT.

PR: Yup... not talking about this one.

ED: The Jets and the Saints played in the football equivalent of catching your parents having sex. The less said about it, the better.

BB: WOW.

CFL

ED: AWARDS!!! Argos QB Damon Allen named CFL's Most OOTstanding Player. Stampeders LB John Grace named Top Defensive Player. Blue Bombers DE Gavin Walls named Top Rookie. Roughriders KR/RB Corey Holmes is named special teams player of the year. Lions DE Brent Johnson is named Top Canadian. Tiger-Cats QB Danny McManus wins the Tom Pate award for community service.

PR: Aww... Ed couldn’t bring himself to make a McManus joke because it was a community service award. Getting soft old man.

GREY CUP!!!

ED: In a game that was better than any NFL game I've seen in years, Edmonton takes Montreal, 38-35 in OT. Oh, and Ricky Ray? Yeah, if the Jets call tomorrow - and they pro'lly will - don't take the call. No way you want in on that now. Jeezgodamighty do you not want in on that mess now.

NCAA

ED: Hey! Wow! America sleeps off its turkey hangover to a whole buncha football games no one cares about! That's OK. Getting the energy up for the GREY CUP!!! is understandable.

ED: Grambling State whallops Southern, 50-35. Sadly, I flipped the channel and caught this and spent like 5 minutes trying to figure out why they were playing in Houston instead of New Orleans.

PR: You aren’t alone Ed. I am sure Eddie Robinson couldn’t remember where the game was being played either.

NBA

ED: God, no one got arrested this week? No one? Meh. Friggin' boring NBA.

BB: Ruben Patterson stories abound. Oh, the last of the Trailblazers.

NHL

ED: DICK POUND!!! Something about 70% of NHL Players take steroids. DICK POUND!!! NHL players deny it all. DICK POUND!!! Aww, it's the little things that make me happy, really.

ED: Red Wings D Jiri Fischer has a seizure on the bench in the Detroit-Nashville game. Fortunately, the NHL's life-saving shootout method was employed and the 18th puck to his chest revived him.

BB: How am I going to top that?

PR: Speaking of shootouts – the Rangers and Capitals played the longest shootout so far at 15 rounds. Of course, the highlight was ESPN News putting up a graphic with a headline in 1000 point screaming “LONGEST SHOOTOUT IN NHL HISTORY” Mind you since this rule has been in place for like 6 weeks, the dates were all from the most recent NHL pay period.

BB: People in the NHL still get paid? And it’s just sad there were no smileys in the headline.

MLB

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Padres re-sign UTL Eric Young. The Brewers re-sign UTL Jeff Cirillo. The Mariners sign C Kenji Jojima. The Devil Rays sign P Chad Harville. The Pirates sign P Scott Strickland. The Marlins sign UTL Alfredo Almezaga. The Cubs sign P Bobby Howry. The Blue Jays reportedly sign P B.J. Ryan.

BB: Well BJ Ryan isn’t the great lost reliever anymore. And is Jeff Cirillo a utility player because he sucks at a lot of different things?

ED: MARLINS FIRE SALE, TAKE 2!!! The Marlins unload 1B Carlos Delgado on the Mets for 1B Mike Jacobs and P Yusmeiro Petit. And as part of their way of giving, the Marlins also hand over P's Josh Beckett and Guillermo Mota and 3B Mike Lowell to the Red Sox for SS Hanley Ramirez and P's Anibal Sanchez, Jesus Delgado and Harvey Garcia.

BB: Well, at least we had to give up the 2005 equivalent of like, I dunno, Andy Stankiewicz. This is a vote against the Brewers.

ED: Other trades! The White Sox pick up 1B Jim Thome and cash from the Phillies for OF Aaron Rowand and a minor leaguer. The Padres pick up UTL Bobby Hill from the Pirates for the ol' PTBNL…and fruit pies, probably.

BB: Yep – don’t get the fruit pies reference either.

ED: New Mexico governor Bill Richardson admits to not being drafted by the Kansas City A's as he has claimed since 1966. On one hand, it would be easy to claim since he was an icky college player and, of course, the Braves would have no interest in him. On the other hand, he would just have been better off claiming that Billy Beane wrote that bit in his bio. Joe Morgan would have believed it.

BB: ''After being notified of the situation and after researching the matter . . . I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's," Richardson said.

“After being notified of the situation and after researching the matter…I came to the conclusion that I am not currently sleeping with Chloe Sevigny,” Barnwell said.

PR: So you bought Chloe Sevigny World Series tickets?

SOCCER

PR: George Best died... finally. Of course, this was the one soccer story Ed kinda followed as every week for like the last 3 weeks he kept asking me “Should I put in a note about George Best?” So the week he dies? Ed can’t be bothered to include it. Meltzer wouldn’t approve.

OTHER

ED: Hey! The Olympic torch for the '06 Winter Games was lit. Really, I didn't have anything for the Other section, so this will have to do. And also...just...ya know...here to pimp the CURLING!!! too.

PR: Fred Funk WORE A DRESS!!! OMG! OMG! OMG! WHAT WILL THE CHURCH ELDERS THINK?!?!?!?!