The Week That Was 11/28/05 - 12/03/05

PR: Stupid miserable holiday season.

NFL

ED: Former Bears QB Jack Concannon dead at 62. Concannon still considered the best option at QB for the Bears.

BB: I concan. Er, concur. Bet he never got sick of that joke.

ED: The Lions fire head coach Steve Mariucci and name Dick Jauron their interim head coach. Really, there is nothing we can say about this Lions mess that the great Dave Hogg has not already topped.

BB: I should send them my resume. FOURTEEN SUPER BOWLS IN THIRTY YEARS! NOT A SINGLE HOMO! I even had like nine NFL Icons on my team at once.

PR: Aww… is that how you got your gig with Football Outsiders?

ED: INJURIES!!! Cowboys LB Dat Nguyen (done for the season with a kneck or nee injury…you try to figure out my typing). Browns long snapper Ryan Pontbriand (done for the season with a bad back). 49ers C Jeremy Newberry (done for the season with a bum knee…or nee…or kneck…whatever). Jaguars QB Byron Leftwich (out about a month with a broken left ankle…or Ankiel…or something). Jaguars LB Jamie Winborn (out for the season with a bad knee/nee/kneck/whatever). Raiders S Reggie Tongue (out for the season with an ACL). Bears WR Airese Currie (done for the season with a bad foot). Bills TE Kevin Everett (done for the season with a bad knee/nee/kneck/whatever). Titans WR Brandon Jones (done for the season with an ACL). Chargers LB Ben Leber (done for the season with a bad foot). Saints TE Ernie Conwell (done for the season with a bad knee/nee/kneck/whatever).

BB: Part of me wants to say that Ed is just friends with someone named Airese Currie and wants to get his name into the WTW and snuck it into the injury section, but there is no one named Airese in Ohio.

PR: I don’t think Ed has friends in Ohio either. Oh and I would say that Byron Leftwich is about as accurate as Rick Ankiel.

ED: PLAYER MOVEMENT!!! The Cowboys sign LB Michael Barrow (stupid Jay Glazer). The Eagles sign P Sean Landeta. The Raiders claim CB Lenny Walls off of waivers from the Broncos. The Bears sign OL Lennie Friedman. The Colts release Ran Carthon.

BB: MICHEAL! IT’S MICHEAL GODDAMNIT AGNER! DO YOU NOT EVEN READ THE FREAKING WTW???

PR: Aww… the Cowboys also released Peerless Price. He is so ending up on the Redskins.

ED: The NFL announces the Rolling Stones will perform at half time of the Super Bowl. The world prays for no Keith Richards nipple incident.

PR: Me personally… I am praying for a tour bus crash. Oh and that… oh geez, I can’t think of a single AFC team that I could see rooting for. Maybe the Giants just get awarded the victory because both AFC teams get counted out or something.

ED: Michael Irvin is suspended one week by ESPN after getting busted for possession of drug paraphernalia. Well, really, isn't that a small price to pay for helping out a friend. ST. MICHAEL!!!

PR: I really really enjoy that bringing in Mike Ditka for the week was only a lateral move. How hasn’t ESPN hired like Dan Marino. Oh wait… that’s all CBS’ baby.

ED: The NFL denies that it apologized to the Seahawks for calls made in the Seahawks-Giants game. Mmm, picking at Phil and Bill's fresh wounds.

PR: Mike Holmgren getting blackballed by the league is the only reason this story did amuse me. Stupid football.

ED: OK. I'll share in the pain. Raiders QB Kerry Collins says that the Raiders "are his teams" despite him…you know…sucking and no one wanting him around. Yeah. When does baseball start again?

BB: The great thing is that I will pretend Kerry Collins did say the Raiders “are his teams” and that he’s trying to talk street to impress his WR core.

PR: I think the only thing Kerry Collins can do to impress his wideout core is hit them in the hands with passes.

ED: Rams head coach Mike Martz wants to return his GENIUSOSITY! to the Rams this season. Rams President John Shaw hopes Martz' doctors can say otherwise.

PR: If Martz was a true genius he would have diagnosed himself.

ED: And can we ever really get enough bitter Saints stories? No. No we cannot. New on the world craps on the Saints franchise department is that the team just remembered that it will be displaced from the Alamo Dome for two weeks due to a college volleyball tournament.

PR: When I figure out what “New on the world craps” is I will let you know. Unless Ed is saying that the World is giving the Saints a Cleveland Steamer.

ED: The end of Week 12 saw: the Colts spank the Steelers 26-7

WEEK THIRTEEN!!

ED: The Panthers are like that normal friend you have - not really a friend, merely a pal, a buddy. He's quiet, plain, sort of boring. You never think about him. You really neither like nor hate him, but you're comfortable around him. And now that you finally think about him, you really don't know anything about him as far as his likes or interests or name, probably. But that's OK. He's OK. And it's not like he would ever say much if you were stuck in a room with him and forced to have a conversation. The Falcons...they're the best looking guy in school who you hate out of jealousy and hope he's as stupid as you want him to be. Odds are good he is. Panthers 24, Falcons 6.

BB: Hey I’m that guy. I’m not sure which. Maybe both?

PR: Aww… maybe Ed is that friend? I mean it’s not like we have… ya know… ever actually seen him.

ED: Buffalo jumps all over Miami early only to blow the game late, 24-23. As I said before, the best part of the Bills sucking is that they're the Bills. And they suck.

ED: Aww, how quickly the tide has turned against Ben Overrated. Tsk. Tsk. Shame. Really. Just a shame. Bengals 38, Steelers 31.

PR: BUT! BUT! HE IS INJURED!!! AND IT’S THE DEFENSE’S FAULT!!!! AND AND THEY WANTED TO SEE CHAD JOHNSON DANCE!!!! PLUS IF WE BEAT MARVIN LEWIS WE WOULD BE RACISTS!!!

ED: I have as much concern about the NFC East as I do about who is on TLR. But it's a proven fact that everytime Dallas loses, a former NFL player scores some good pain pills in heaven. And I can't poop on that. Giants 17, Cowboys 10.

PR: See I now believe that in that alternate universe where like Superman is evil, their music video call-in show is called TLR.

ED: Man, thousands of people sat out in the bitter cold to watch Chicago and Green Bay? Well, there goes America's claim on being an all time great empire. Bears 19, Packers 7.

PR: GREATEST DEFENSE EVER!!! TEAM OF DESTINY!!! SMART BALL!!!

ED: Wait. Scratch that above. Someone showed up in ANY sort of weather to watch Baltimore and Houston stink up the joint? Doomed. Doomed. We're all doomed. Ravens 16, Texans 13.

PR: Aww.. Ed hates this game so much that he didn’t even want to report the correct score. 16-15 Ravens. Poor poor little Dom Capers. LAME DUCK!!! Oh and since the Texans lost for the second straight week on a late FG, I am really sure the “THEY ARE THROWING THE SEASON” columns will be out in full force.

ED: Christ. Jacksonville and Cleveland. How many ways can you say the NFL brought the boring this week? 'Cause I'm out of ways here, myself. Feh. Jags 20, Browns 14.

PR: Aww… but Reuben Droughns reached the 1000 yard mark. That’s sure to get his face on the Element now.

ED: Hey! Wow! Matt Millen sure did rid the Lions of all their problems when he fired Mooch! Look at how they went out and sleptwalked through the Vikings game! Genius! Vikes 21, Lions 16.

PR: AP brings the amusement as they had the shot of the guy carrying the Fire Millen getting mugged. Aww… Detroit.

ED: Tampa Bay 10, New Orleans 3. Seriously. Was the NFL sponsored by Nyquil this week?

ED: Indy 35, Titans 3. Reggie Bush can't sleep well at night looking at all this suck.

PR: INDY!!! GREATEST TEAM EVER!!! STILL PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE TEAMS WE ARE BEATING!!!

ED: You think Matt Leinart sits at home and thinks - "Thank God, Reggie Bush is moving past me in everyone's hotness list! Now I don't have to worry about Houston! I can go to like San Francisco...or Arizona! Yeah! Silly, Reggie! I can be McCown-like!"? Cards 17, 49ers 10.

PR: I think Matt Leinart sits at home and thinks “Hmm… who do I want to sleep with tonight?”

ED: Jesus >>>> smug. It's official. In case you were wondering. Redskins 24, Rams 9.

PR: Poor poor Dexter Coakley.

ED: So I hear the albino huckleberry's all like! UPSET! GREATEST UPSET EVER! CHIEFS BEAT THE BRONCOS! OHMYGOD! WHERE'S MY IRON! STUPID GIMMICK! YAY! Lemme clue y'all in on something, since I know the AFC West. With the exception of the Raiders - who can't beat anyone - every AFC team beats the other at home. Much cheating and bad officiating is generally involved - except by the Raiders who always play clean. Oh yeah, and uhh...hucklleberry...it also ain't an upset 'cause...ya know...Denver's not really that good. KC 31, Denver 27.

BB: Wait – is the albino huckleberry my new nickname and no one told me? Now that I said that, did it just become my nickname?

ED: Anyone else curious about what line Peter King needs to cross before he's not allowed in the Pats locker room again? I am thinking leaving pictures of his taint in Brady's locker might be the final straw. Just a guess. Pats 16, Jets 3.

BB: It’s insane, this guy’s taint!

ED: Yeah-yeah. Oakland-San Diego. Yeah. When does baseball start again?

NCAA

ED: The football conference championships were all decided. None of it matters, since the BCS was bailed out by Texas and USC. None of that matters since none of those players will play for an NFL team I care about. Honest. Check out my mick draft if you don't believe me.

BB: #1 pick: Mickey Mantle. #2 pick: Mick Jones (Clash Mick Jones). #3 pick: Mickey Tettleton. Mmm...the Beard approves. #4 pick: Mickey from the Toni Basil song. #5: Mickey Morandini. SCRAP! #6: Mickey Kydes. #7: Mickey Lolich. #8: Mick Jones (Foreigner Mick Jones). #9: Mike Foley.

ED: The University of Cincinnati announces it will name its baseball stadium after Marge Schott. Hmm, UC's most famous baseball player is Sandy Koufax. Marge Schott was…Marge Schott. Ahh, welcome to Ohio!

BB: So, what you’re saying is that UC understands park effects. Sandy Koufax was a good pitcher in a great pitcher’s park in a great pitcher’s era, and Marge Schott was a excellent racist in a very racist area.

PR: Aww… the Bearcats hate Jews.

ED: As usual Navy whips Army, 42-23. Aww, Bobby Ross is going to get shipped to Iraq.

ED: Ooo, Ohio State-Notre Dame Fiesta Bowl. If ever there was a time and place for nuke testing.

BB: Ooh – the best part is it would become a conventional bomb too, after the bomb sent Charlie Weis’ stomach staples flying.

PR: DUKE WINS AT THE BUZZER!!!! GREATEST UNIVERSITY EVER!!!! USA! USA! USA!

NBA

ED: Things to do in Denver when your sport is dead: Nuggets head coach George Karl is suspended two games for criticizing league officials. Nuggets G Voshon Lenard is suspended by the team for one game without pay for "conduct detrimental to the team."

BB: Cleveland had a ceremony to honor World B. Free this week. It had this quote about George Karl which again – shows why the world does not have enough coverage of World B. Free:

"I didn't respect George at first because I played against him and always lit him up," Free said. "I thought, 'How can you tell me what to do when you can't stop me?'

"But we sat down and talked and I found out he had a great basketball mind. I told the team, 'Listen to George and follow World.' And we became winners."

BB: FOLLOW WORLD!!!

PR: This will so make his FPOTM easier.

NHL

ED: Boston trades C Joe Thornton to San Jose for F's Marco Sturm and Wayne Primeau and D Brad Stuart. The loser in this deal? Joe Thornton, of course. HE LEFT THE BEST SPORTS CITY EVER!!!!!

BB: Duh Ed. Boston is soooo the old best sports city ever. New best sports city ever? CHICAGO BABY!!! BOBBY JENKS! KYLE ORTON! A BUNCHA LATINO GUYS…um…JIM THOME!!!!

PR: Oh, I should have saved my Smart Ball joke for here.

MLB

ED: Vic Power dead at 78. Bob Feller rejoices in the fact that his nearest competitors in bitterest former ball player is now just Jose Canseco and Raffy Palmeiro.

BB: And apparently pretty soon, Sandy Koufax.

PR: Like Sandy Koufax needs any extra motivation.

ED: TRAPS…err, FA SIGNINGS!!! The Blue Jays officially sign P BJ Ryan, the A's sign P Esteban Loaiza, the Mets sign P "El Glavicito" Billy Wagner, the Phillies sign UTL Abraham Nunez, the Cardinals sign P Dennis Tankersley to a minor league deal, the Yankees sign C Kelly Stinnett, the Phillies sign P Julio Santana, the White Sox re-sign 1B Paul Konerko, the Tigers sign P Bobby Seay, the Brewers sign P Jason Kershner to a minor league deal, the Phillies sign C Sal Fasano, the Reds sign P's Tommy Phelps and Jimmy Journel, the Giants sign P Tim Worrell, the Phillies sign P Tom Gordon, the Yankees sign P Kyle Farnsworth, the Dodgers have maybe signed SS Rafael Furcal, the Indians have maybe signed P Paul Byrd, the Angels sign P Hector Carrasco and re-sign DH Tim Salmon to a minor-league deal.

BB: You know, I’m sure DePo could have grossly overpaid Rafael Furcal too. Poor poor Hee Seop Choi. I can’t wait for the Korean cartoonist to do the frame with him competing versus Jeff Kent for the 1B job.

PR: Hehehehe – its going to be a great offseason since the Orioles can’t sign anyone and the Nats are blaming every lost player on MLB.

ED: TRADES!!! The Mets pick up OF Tike Redman from the Pirates for cash. The Cubs send P Jermaine Van Buren to the Red Sox for the ol' PTBNL.

ED: MARLINS FIRE SALE, TAKE 2, PART 2: The Marlins trade 2B Luis Castillo to the Twins for P's Travis Bowyer and Scott Tyler. The Marlins unload SCRAP!!! Paul LoDuca on the Mets for P Gaby Hernandez.

BB: “Dontrelle Willis is jaded at the sale of one of your team’s star players. He believes he is indispensable to the club and feels that the club is a stepping-stone to his future.”

PR: “He believes the team can can not hope to compete if they continue to sell their best players”

ED: Giants OF Barry Bonds is in training to drop 40 pounds. Well…hmm…yeah. Yeah, that's too easy.

ED: The Red Sox file a law suit against 1B Doug Misspelling to get that World Series ball that is all the rage up in the New England area. Well, when ya only get one of those every 86 years, I guess a fight would be in order.

BB: I should really file a lawsuit to get laid.

ED: Mets 1B Carlos Delgado says he will now stand alongside his teammates when "God Bless America" is played during the 7th inning stretch. Yes. It's official. The terrorists have lost. Freedom is protected.

PR: OUR LONG SUFFERING NIGHTMARE IS OVER!!!

ED: Cardinals P Cal Eldred retires. Yes. It's official. The hitters have lost. Freedom is protected.

BB: Phil Garner touches himself just a little.

CFL

ED: In the only thing that made me happy this week, Hamilton trades QB Danny McManus to Edmonton for QB Jason Maas. There's other stuff involved in this. But the important thing is DANNY MCMANUS IS GONE!!!! One down, Kerry Collins to go.

SOCCER

BB: Roy Keane still ain’t signed nowhere.

BB: Harry Redknapp quits Southampton to presumably go back to Portsmouth after quitting Portsmouth to take a break from the game but really to sign for Southampton two weeks later.

PR: God, if Pompey ends up signing someone else, this will become the greatest story ever.

BB: Real Madrid sacks Wanderluy Luxembargo. Luxembourg hopes to confuse him into becoming their new national team coach for the fourth time; just have to make sure he signs the contract before he realizes what’s going on this time.

BB: Glasgow Rangers do not win again. Alex McLeish’s job status is “Very insecure”.

BB: Brazilian league dissolves into chaos. Sadly not featured in CM.

PR: See if only they used the BCS, none of this would happen.

BB: Two Stoke fans attack ex-Leicester keeper Simon Royce at QPR match. Would not be a huge deal if it wasn’t for the fact that Royce was actually tending goal at the time. Arrest, ban, book deal.

PR: Should be a big deal because who knew there were two Stoke fans that passionate.

OTHER

ED: NASCAR AWARDS!!! No. I'm not going to list them. I care even less than you do. Just throwing this here to fill something in this area. Now let's pretend we didn't waste any time here.

BB: Ooh – let me guess. Brooks and Dunn were involved. Just a freaking hunch.

PR: PLAY SOMETHING COUNTRY!!!!

PR: Tiny girls half my age and with far more money earned their cards on the LPGA tour. My life sucks.