The Week That Was 12/04/05 - 12/10/05

ED: There is nothing but hate.

BB: I’d rather wake to Robosapien lubing me up than…

PR: Aww… Robosapien was so 2004. It’s all about the RoboRaptor in the ‘05

NFL

ED: Bud Carson died. And for the like two Browns fans who read this...Yes. He had requested Ernest Byner as a pall bearer but decided against it when he figured Byner would drop the casket just short of the grave.

BB: Who’s Earnest Byner?

PR: Sadly – I am uncertain if Bill is joking or not.

ED: INJURIES!!! Meh. Everything sucks. There are probably a lot of guys hurt and/or out for the year or something. I don't care. I wish severe pain upon everybody! EVERYBODY! Except you, dear reader. I love you, ya buncha knuckleheads. Well, not all of you. Just the good looking ones. You ugly ones…wait until I'm drunk.

BB: It’s Ohio, everyone’s drunk and ugly.

PR: But they are Buckeyes! BUCKEYES!!!!! THE!!!!!! OSU! OSU! USA! USA!!! LET FREEDOM RING!!!!

ED: The NFL has lined up Stevie Wonder as a pre-game entertainer for the Super Bowl. Wait for it…Wait for it…No word on if he will be part of the officiating crew as well. THANK YOU! TRY THE CHICKEN!

ED: Bills WR Eric Moulds is suspended one week without pay for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Meaning of course, he's the only one in that organization worth a crap for the last 5 years, so he's wrecking the Bills draft chances. ZING! I am the master! ME! WHEE!

ED: Bears linemen Olin Kreutz and Fred Miller are fined $50K each by the league for their little go round at the shooting range. Wrecked 'em? He hardly even knew 'em. HAH! I'm here all week.

BB: I don’t want to interfere with Ed’s little standup routine here.

PR: The least shocking AIM exchange of the Week (paraphrased since I am lazy)

ME: Aww… Ed busted out his Henny Youngman gimmick

BILL: Whose Henny Youngman?

ME: Curse you and your youth

BB: Like I would misconjugate who’s. You sad, sad man.

ED: Kerry Collins is benched. I hate the world a little less now.

PR: Oh, I am sure there are plenty of other reasons to loathe.

ED: The end of Week 13 saw: The Seahawks maul the Eagles, 42-0.

BB: But hey – they took the Eagles last offensive weapon which means – yep – the Eagles will have exactly not enough to take the Giants to OT.

WEEK FOURTEEN!!

ED: Pittsburgh handles the Bears, 21-6. Hmm, let's see...the Steelers aren't great. But they slap around the Bears. The Bears are supposed to be the greatest team ever? Hmm. So it's either the Bears were overrated or...right...Got the memo, Tags. Thanks. Obviously, this is a case of the NFL's PARITY!!! taking effect. PARITY!!!

BB: Didn’t George Michael write a song…oh. He doesn’t play in the Red States, does he?

ED: Bengals 26, Browns 23. Ohio has 88 counties. There are 88 keys on a piano keyboard. It's facts like that those teams were battling over. No wonder it was so hard-fought.

BB: Those Ohio history classes will never ever not be useful.

PR: I am going to send up a flare when I understand what these two are talking about.

ED: Tennessee 13, Houston 10. Yeah, that had to be like watching a pee-wee football game.

BB: Well pee-wee teams could miss field goals that easily too. At least, I think that was that game.

PR: Aww… Jay Feely could have done that.

ED: INDY!!! REMAINS THE GREATEST TEAM EVER!!! I write that sardonically and yet I want that to be true just to hork off the 72 Dolphins - but who doesn't? Colts 26, Jags 18.

BB: Man, I hope Mercury Morris is on TV some more. I never get old watching him.

PR: You could get old and still taunt me and Ed. Stupid impending death.

ED: Buffalo announces themselves eligible for the USC player sweepstakes by quitting on their season and allowing themselves to get trounced by New England, 35-7.

BB: How does that work? Are they only allowed to draft Reggie Bush if he suffers a crippling knee injury?

ED: WHOO-HOO!!! Matt Leinart. Reggie Bush. Whoever. Either of them has to be better than the crud on either team now - Jets 26, Raiders 10.

BB: The best part is that I can’t really point to the Raiders and say – well, they need to upgrade here or there. They just stink everywhere. And no one cares.

PR: Is there where I mention how I said to Ed that the Raiders would probably draft Vince Young and it made him sad?

ED: Mike Tice: luckiest man alive. Vikings 27, Rams 13.

BB: Clearly you haven’t actually ever seen Mike Tice or you would know he hasn’t been given the…how can I say this…oh forget it. Mike Tice is an ugly freaking man. U-G-L-Y.

PR: YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI!!!!

ED: Wow! That #9 overall pick on Chris Simms sure is looking better every game! Bucs 20, Panthers 10.

BB: Hey, at least he’s not Kyle Boller.

ED: Phil is kept from kicking the dog as the Giants pull out a 26-23 win over the Eagles in OT.

BB: Oh, like there was not some pee-related incident at that game.

ED: Seattle's B-teamers maul the 49ers, 41-3. Hmm, somehow I need to get Houston and San Francisco out of this whole draft picture.

BB: Suicide bomber? Miscalibrated air strike? Sex cruise with the Magic Johnson All-Stars?

PR: Aww… that would give Ed Death Pool points. I must protest this method.

ED: Jesus >>>> fat men killers. Redskins 17, Cards 13.

BB: I thought that was NASCAR >>> Black people. Wait?

ED: Sweet Jesus the smell of smug is overpowering. Broncos 12, Ravens 10.

BB: God, to be a fly on the wall during that Billick-Shanahan dinner. Wait. I mean to be a fly flying away from the wall to another room during the Billick-Shanahan dinner.

ED: Dallas takes the Chiefs late, 31-28, in a matchup of two of the most easily-hatable teams - AND COACHES - in NFL history.

BB: God, to be a fly on the wall during that Parcells-Vermeil dinner. Wait. I mean to be a fly in the oatmeal during the Parcells-Vermeil dinner, flying away.

ED: The Dolphins upset the Chargers, 23-21. Yeah, that's the Marty Schottenheimer we all know and love.

BB: Is it the playoffs and no one told me?

PR: Aww… did Barry Sanders gain -1 yards yet?

NCAA

ED: Bush wins the Heisman! Damn those red states!

ED: Colorado fires head football coach Gary Barnett. Female place kickers throughout the land claim it's just because Barnett was a lousy lay.

BB: Really, could she have been worse than Jay Feely?

PR: At kicking or f’ing?

PR: University of Maryland wins the men’s soccer title. No riots in College Park. I guess Americans truly don’t care about soccer.

PR: In a #1 vs. #2 battle – Texas loses by a million. I write this generically so I can reuse it in a few weeks.

NBA

ED: SHAQ is a special agent. That is all I really care about. Mmm, gigantic black genie special agents. My world is a better place.

PR: For reasons that only my warped brain can explain – I read that as “gigantic black penis” and then wondered when Ed stopped doing his Henny Youngman gimmick and moved to his Milton Berle gimmick.

ED: Oh yeah, Scottie Pippen's number is retired by the Bulls. Now officially the ugliest Bull of all time - and I remember Artis Gilmore!

BB: I would talk smack about Kelly Tripucka but Rippa is already cranky.

PR: You would be too if you had to try and make Orlando Woolridge interesting.

NHL

ED: Oh, come on. If I mailed in the NFL section, what are the odds I'm going to do something with a sport I know nothing about?

BB: I went to a hockey game this weekend. Now I remember why I stopped going to hockey games.

MLB

ED: Former big leaguer Herb Moford dead at the age of 77. Julio Franco mourns the loss of a kid he coached in little league. CHEAP LAFFS!!!

BB: GO METS!

ED: CHRISTMAS SHOPPING INSANITY!!! The Indians sign P Paul Byrd. The Pirates sign P C.J. Nitkowski. The Cardinals sign UTL Deivi Cruz and C Gary Bennett. The Blue Jays sign P A.J. Burnett. P D.J. Carrasco signs with the Fukuoka Softbank Hawks. The Dodgers sign SS Rafael Furcal. The Cubs sign UTL John Mabry. The Padres re-sign P Trevor Hoffman. The Indians re-sign P Bob Wickman. The Mariners re-sign P Jamie Moyer. The Tigers sign P's Todd Jones and Kenny Rogers. The Mets sign UTL Jose Valentin. The Royals sign P Elmer Dessens. The Rockies sign P Jose Mesa. The Giants sign 1B/OF Mark Sweeney. The Yankees sign P Mike Myers. The Orioles sign C Ramon Hernandez. The Braves sign C Todd Pratt. The Mets sign OLD Julio Franco. The Pirates sign P Roberto Hernandez. The Dodgers sign C Sandy Alomar Jr.

BB: LOOK AT THAT LIST! The same list could’ve been from 1996 and no one would be the wiser.

PR: Aww... don’t give Allard Baird any ideas.

ED: TRADES!!! The Blue Jays send P Chad Gaudin to Oakland for the ol' PTBNL. The Giants send P LaTroy Hawkins to the Orioles for P Steve Kline. The Reds send OAF Sean Casey to the Pirates for P Dave Williams. The Pirates trade P Mark Redman to the Royals for P Jonah Bayliss. The Padres trade 3B Sean Burroughs to the Devil Rays for P Dewon Brazelton. The Braves trade C Johnny Estrada to the Diamondbacks for P's Lance Cormier and Oscar Villarreal. The Braves trade PVC!!! Danny Kolb to the Brewers for P Wes Obermueller. The Red Sox pick up 2B Mark Loretta for C Doug Mirabelli. The Rangers send 2B? Alfonso Soriano to the Nats for OF Brad Wilkerson and Termel Sledge and P Armando Galarraga. The Blue Jays pick up 1B Lyle Overbay and the ol' PTBNL from the Brewers for P Dave Bush, OF Gabe Gross and the ol' PTBNL. The Cards send P Ray King to Colorado for OF Larry Bigbie and IF Aaron Miles. The Red Sox trade SS Edgar Renteria to the Braves for 3B Andy Marte. The Yankees unload SPEED!!! Tony Womack and cash on the Reds for 2B Kevin Howard and Ben Himes. The White Sox pick up UTL Rob Mackowiak from the Pirates for P Damaso Marte. The Phillies pick up P Gio Gonzalez from the White Sox as the PTBNL in the Jim Thome deal. The Angels pick up P J.C. Romero from the Twins for OF Alexi Casilla.

BB: I was really hoping for a long giddy rant about the Casey trade but oh well.

PR: HE’S NICE!!!!

PR: Oh and the Tony Womack trade made my offseason.

ED: MARLINS FIRE SALE, TAKE 2, PART 3: The Marlins unload SPEED!!! Juan Pierre on the Cubs for P's Sergio Mitre, Ricky Nolasco and Renyel Pinto. But they do re-sign P Scuffy Moehler and Lenny Harris, so buck up, li'l Marlin fans! Lenny will getcha that new stadium!

BB: Pinch hits for pounds? No, that won’t work.

ED: HAPPY FRIGGIN' HOLIDAYS!!! The Pirates release 3B Ty Wiggington. The Angels DFA OF Jeff Davanon. Yeah, odds are good that the O's will try to trade for them now.

BB: Good thing that Kris Benson trade worked out.

ED: GM/Managerial moves. The Blue Jays extend GM J.P. Ricciardi's contract through 2010. The Dodgers hire Grady Little as their new Manager. The words “uh” and “oh” come to mind.

ED: John Olerud retires. Presumably to spend more time with his batting helmet-bedecked family.

BB: Are you implying that his family is a bunch of bobbleheads or melted ice cream?

ED: Orioles SS Miguel Tejada requests a trade because he just now figured out that the O's don't know what they're doing. Welcome to the late 90's, Miguel.

BB: So it IS 1996! Life is grand again.

ED: Washington DC and MLB agree on a lease for a new ballpark for the Nats. And you know what that means! NEW STADIUMS = GREATNESS!!! Ask the Pirates and the Reds.

PR: Poor poor Nats. Long may you ride Nick.

ED: Tracy Ringolsby of the Rocky Mountain News wins the J.G. Taylor Spink Award - basically the baseball writers Hall of Fame induction. SCOUTS!!! win again!

BB: Awww…but he is a SABR member.

SOCCER

BB: Roy Keane still hasn’t signed anywhere yet.

PR: The World Cup Draw was held. ITALIANS ARE BITTER!!! Still the highlight of the event was Steve Ralston clearly fearing that he hadn’t pimped the new Addidas ball enough.

OTHER

ED: NASCAR signs a new TV deal to give you, dear sports fan, all the wrecks you can watch. IN HIGH DEF!