The Week That Was
(12/11/05 - 12/18/05)

ED:

BB: …

PR: Aww… we should have done that as a gimmick for the entire thing

NFL
ED: Former Raiders and Bucs DT Darrell Russell dead at 29. Of course, picking him in the death pool would have been too easy, but who would've called car accident over OD?

BB: I woulda put car accident over ODB.

PR: Well if we did a celebrity death pool, I would probably have selected ODB. And then have been mocked since he was dead. Of course, I am assuming that Bill would do the mocking because Ed certainly has no idea what we are talking about.

ED: INJURIES!!! Jets RB Curtis Martin (out for the season with a bum knee). Eagles RB Brian Westbrook (done for the season with a bum foot). Giants S Shaun Williams (done for the season with a bum hammy). Giants LB Antonio Pierce and DT William Joseph (oof for this week with high ankle sprains). Dolphins C Seth McKinney (done for the season with a bum knee). Rams CB Travis Fisher (out for the season to get his groin right).

BB: Wait – Travis Fisher, tall goofy white guy drafted by the Lakers and then given a ridiculous contract by Rick Pitino? Somehow ending up on the Knicks? Is that Travis Knight?

PR: I’m sorry – I am trying to think what Ed is saying by describing Pierce and Joseph as “oof for this week”

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Pats release RB Mike Cloud.

BB: I wonder if Belichick has a form letter for that yet.

PR: I could see Belichick denying that they actually released Cloud. That somehow it would give him an edge. “He’s taking a Sabbatical! Yeah, that’s what he is doing!”

ED: Lions DT Dan Wilkinson apologizes for calling Cincinnati a racist city, but proceeds to rip former Redskins coach, Steve Spurrier, for being inept. Well, Big Daddy was 1-2, anyway.

BB: Oh he’s 2-2 on those things.

ED: All the New Orleans Saints are going to get a $40K bonus from the league and the player's association for "performing under unusual and unanticipated conditions arising from the Hurricane Katrina tragedy." Well, obviously, it wasn't any sort of performance bonus, that's for sure.

PR: Hey, we know your homes are gone and relatives are dead. He’s 40K. Please don’t sue us for making you play in the Meadowlands.

ED: The Houston Texans name Dan Reeves as a consultant to the club.  Mmm, Zocor!

BB: You know Dan Reeves needs to change his pants thinking about a mediocre white QB and Reggie Bush.

PR: And here I was thinking it was because he is old and lost control of his bladder.

ED: The President of the Philadelphia chapter of the NAACP SHOOTS!!! on Eagles QB Donovan McNabb, calling McNabb a choker, a racial sell-out and a bad team leader.  Of course, you all know this is T.O.'s fault in the end, don't you?

BB: At what point do you decide Donovan McNabb is an Uncle Tom: Campbell’s Soup commercials or Madden cover?

PR: Speaking of Campbell’s Soup, you know the first person the WWE called when deciding to cast Shelton Benjamin’s mom was the fake Mrs. McNabb’s agent.

ED: Vikings Daunte Culpepper, Bryant McKinnie, Fred Smoot and Moe Williams are charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct for their part in the Minnesota boat deal.  But look on the bright side, Randy Moss got sent out of Minnesota to get screwed in other ways.

PR: Hey, it’s just like game time. Fred Smoot with his hands all over someone.

BB: You think Moe Williams tried to pretend he was Onterrio Smith? “Nope. Wrong Vikings RB. I’m the underappreciated one, you want the addict.” Hey – a sitcom I wouldn’t watch. The stoner, the cynical underappreciated fella, the guy who can run really fast as long as it’s a straight line and the way-overvalued-because-he’s-a-fullback-in-Minnesota white guy who makes the most money of them all. VIKING BACKS! THE FUNGIBLE FOUR! Hey, it can’t be worse than the freaking NBC show about the A&R guy that I saw eight million commercials for yesterday.

ED: The end of Week 14 saw: The Falcons maul the Saints, 36-17.

BB: I was assuming your action verb in that sentence would either be a Katrina or Ron Mexico reference. Sadly I’m not a skilled enough comedy writer to combine the two thoughts into a coherent joke. Come on, like you can’t see Mike Vick skeeting out Katrina across the Southern states. OK, maybe I am.

WEEK FIFTEEN!!
ED:  Wow!  The last time Chucky was there in Foxboro, Tom Brady fumbled and the referees blew the call...Whoops!  I mean, the eagle-eyed and perfect referees got the tuck rule right...they just blew the helmet-to-helmet hit by Charles Woodson.  No!  Wait!  NFL officials are perfect!  Like Tom Brady!  My logic!  It just sucks!  Hey, wanna hear me talk like I just sucked down an entire bottle of helium while I tell you how Jim Rice is a Hall of Famer?  Aww, come on!  I'll play U2, too!  Wait!  Come back!  Please!  Pats 28, Bucs 0.

BB: Um…uh…

PR: I probably shouldn’t tell Ed about Time’s Persons of the Year either.

ED:  Yep.  All those defensive players KC picked up in the offseason sure did change that team!  Yessir!  Giants 27, Chiefs 17.

BB: Well before, they were blocked out of the picture. Now they at least touch the opposing team’s players before they get knocked down.

ED:  Sadly, I am becoming a Sterling Sharpe mark.  Too bad he got stuck announcing this suckfest.  Broncos 28, Bills 17.

PR: I can’t imagine the words “Sterling Sharpe mark” ever being written or typed before. Ed clearly has been replaced by a pod person.

ED:  Oh yeah, I can see Houston going on a roll and blowing that Reggie Bush pick, all thanks to Dan Reeves.  That's OK, Texan fans.  I'm certain there will be a Dave Brown v. 2.0 out there for ya.  Texans 30, Cards 19.

BB: Hey – there’s another Dave Brown reference. Or was I referencing Kent Graham before? God, I hate Dan Reeves.

PR: Don’t forget Danny Kanell and Tommy Maddox. Can’t imagine why the mid-90s were some lean years.

ED:  Ben Roethlisberger wouldn't expose his jimmy on a boat!  Mostly, because he's has too many sportswriters all over it to allow him any space.  But that's another story all-together.  Steelers 18, Vikings 3.

BB: I can’t top that.

ED:  OK.  I'm just going off the score here without seeing any highlights or anything...just a guess...the Seahawks let the JV team play this game, right?  Seattle 28, Tennessee 24.

BB: Maybe the entire team spent the first half chasing down the people who stabbed Ken Hamlin. OFF LIMITS! SEATTLE’S TOO DANGEROUS! Seriously.

ED:  So if the Saints players get an extre $40K for their city being destroyed....do Browns players always get that merely because their city always looks that way?  Panthers 27, Saints 10.

PR: Maybe they are paid in Elements.

ED:  Wow!  Do I not care about anything in this game whatsoever.  Man, this may as well be the NBA.  Dolphins 24, Jets 20.

BB: The Jets definitely wanted to play this game in “Very Fast” mode.

ED:  Hmm, problem city...We don't have to hear any more about the undefeated Colts...yet, we now have to hear the '72 Dolphins getting all giddy again!  I was hoping for at least one more week of the Colts being undefeated just to see if Csonka would have Turbo take out Peyton Manning.  Damn it!  Now we will never know what Turbo is up to these days!  OK, I like everyone else, assume that Turbo is into gay porn.  But how can we know for sure?  HOW?!?!?!  Chargers 26, Colts 17.

BB: Stupid freaking American Gladiators references I can’t get in first. Curse you Ed Agner.

PR: Grr… guess that leaves me with figuring out what Turbo was up to. This is going to be an ugly ugly google search on Galen Tomlinson. Yup, definitely a HS girls volleyball coach in California. Of course, I had to sift through the countless “Turbo is gay!” links

ED:  Proof positive that I was a very bad man in a past life...for some reason CBS gives me the Jaguars-49ers game.  I cannot apologize enough for whatever I did in that past life.  Please have mercy.  Jags 10, 49ers 9.

BB: Oh, I got that too. And I’m too young to apologize yet.

PR: Okay – so that’s what the NFL is to make me watch instead of the Giants this weekend? The freaking Jags? Stupid not being home for the holidays.

ED:  Poor little NFL!  You know they saw this on the schedule in August and got all excited.  Oh, how long ago August was!  Eagles 17, Rams 16.

PR: Aww… you mean like all the Packers in prime time games to close out the season?

BB: If it wasn’t for Torry Holt, the biggest offensive weapon in this game would’ve been Kevin Curtis – poor man’s Tim Dwight. Ooof…

ED:  Ahh, two more weeks and I'll never have to see Norv Turner and Kerry Collins in Oakland again!  Yeah.  Things can only get better.  Browns 9, Raiders 7.  Nah-nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah, hey-hey-hey...

BB: …Line-art?

PR: Ed acts like Steve Spurrier wouldn’t be hired by Al Davis. Or Rich Kotite.

ED:  Ordinarily, we would point out the Redskins have Jesus on their side because Joe Gibbs is all kooky-religious and stuff.  But of course, the Cowboys have the American God on their side too since Michael Irvin is all about being Mr. Goody-Good and stuff (he is!  I read it on a message board so it HAS to be true.)  Now one might think that The Almighty One probably has a lot to worry about already with helping our boys fight off the religions we don't like and stuff...and of course there's the parties with the Cheney's and helping George Bush wiretap people...and assisting Ohio State football coaches in dealing out cars to recruits.  One might thing that The Highest Power would not have time to worry about football games in the midst of all this.  But one would be wrong.  God cares about NFL games - especially when Joe Gibbs goes against the former team of St. Michael.  So how does God decide who He supported in this game?  Duh.  Dallas wore the blue jerseys.  Everyone knows that God hates their blue jerseys.  Redskins 35, Dallas 7.

BB: I definitely know that the Redskins wouldn’t have a 28 point first half without God’s assistance.

PR: Well that and if members of the Cowboys weren’t pus… oh, right, do not work blue.

ED:  Well, at least Kevin Jones is going to win the rush...ing...champ...Poor li'l, Football Prospectus.  Bengals 41, Lions 17.

PR: And because it was clearly after Ed’s bed time – the Bears beat the Falcons 16-3. Michael Vick was cold.

NCAA
ED: The NCAA reduces a season-long suspension on Kentucky basketball player Randolph Morris to 14 games. Whee! More chances to hear some horny redneck talk about how hot Ashley Judd is!  Of course, if he's around drunken, horny rednecks he might hear talk about how hot Wynona Judd is - in which case Morris would long for a return of that season-long suspension.

BB: So how does it work? Does she engage in a gangbang with the Kentucky team each year? Is it one player each year? Did Antoine Walker insist on having sex with her 43 times in one night? Did Tommy Heinsohn cheer Walter McCarty on?

PR: Ugh… thanks Bill. Now every time I punch the clown thinking about Ashley Judd, I am going to have Tommy Heinsohn’s voice in my head. Aww… crap… I said the quiet part loud. Aww… nevermind.

ED:  The University of Colorado hires Dan Hawkins as their new football coach.  I don't think anyone much cares about this unless Hawkins can give us good quotes on rape victims.

ED:  And just to make us all feel a little closer to death - Chuck Long is named head football coach of San Diego State, while Turner Gill is named head football coach of the University of Buffalo.

BB: Was that the guy who pretended to be Goldberg?

PR: Ladies and Gentlemen – we have a winner!

ED:  Wisconsin WR Marcus Randle El, little brother of Steelers WR Antwaan Randle El, is arrested on battery charges.  If he commits a different type of crime, he can be as versatile as his brother...assumedly.

BB: Ooh – does this mean Antwaan has gonorrhea?

NBA
ED: Jazz players Robert Whaley and Deron Williams are in trouble for giving false names after getting in a bar fight in Park City, Utah. NowàI'm not very bright butàhow could two of the only 15 black guys in the entire state of Utah think they could cop out on giving a fake name? And what fake names did they use? Koy and Ty Detmer?

BB: If I commit a crime in Cleveland I’m so saying I’m Bernie Kosar.

ED: Miami Heat coach Stan Van Gundy resigns and is replaced by Pat Riley. I'm thinking the porn star 'stache did li'l Van Gundy in.

PR: I believe Ed is implying that Stan does not use Microtouch to keep himself tidy. Of course, I could be misconstruing Ed’s use of the phrase li’l Van Gundy.

ED:  Ron Artest hates Indiana.  And people thought he was insane.

BB: No, he actually doesn’t hate Indiana anymore. He meant Indians.

NHL
ED: Pittsburgh fires head coach Ed Olczyk. Isn't he also the lead singer of Live? If so, good riddance. But couldn't they just have killed the whole band instead of fired the lead singer? I mean, it's not like it was just one guy that made the whole band suck. And why was he coaching hockey? Is this like a Scott Stapp thing?  Now that I think of it, what the hell is the difference between Live and Creed?

BB: Oh, Foz approves, Foz approves.

PR: And I was already ready to talk about how Ed Kowalczyk dropped out of AU to keep the band together and then I realized that no one reads the NHL section and no one cares about Live. And a little part of me died.

MLB
ED: The Red Sox name Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington as co-GM's.  Yeah.  Well...that's about the same sort of New England weirdness as the Jim Rice for Hall of Fame bandwagon - with likely the same sort of imminent success.

ED: Oh yeah, that there World Baseball Classic. Well, the funniest thing about it so far is that Ken Griffey Jr. is making noise about wanting to be on the American team. Second funniest thing is that the US is blocking Cuba from taking part.  Third funniest thing is that Alex Rodriguez won't play in the WBC at all since he couldn't figure out what country to play for.

BB: It doesn’t matter since he would be useless as we all know A-Rod isn’t CLUTCH!!! And the WBC is all about mo-er-CLUTCH!!!

ED: CHRISTMAS SHOPPING INSANITY!!! The Giants sign P Matt Morris. The Padres re-sign SAVIOR!!! Dave Roberts. The Diamondbacks sign UTL Damion Easley and P Jason Grimsley. The Astros re-sign 1B/3B Mike Lamb and C Brad Ausmus. The Nats sign UTL? Robert Rick, P Joey Eischen, C's Wiki GOnzalex, Mike DiFelice and Albert Castillo. The Orioles sign C Ramon Hernandez. The Cardinals sign P Ricardo Rincon. The Red Sox sign C Ken Huckaby. The Dodgers sign 3B Bill Mueller. The Mariners sign DH Carl Everett.  The Cardinals sign P Braden Looper.  The Twins sign 3B Tony Batista.  The Royals sign P Scott Elarton, 1B Doug Mispelling, 2B Doug Grudzcantspellit and C Paul Bako.  The Dodgers reportedly have reached an agreement with CANCER!!! Nomar Garciaparra.

BB: Apparently Mark Grudzielanek’s first name was changed to Doug in order to confuse Ed.

PR: And that the Nats are apparently waiting for Robert Rick to take a physical. Of course, they can just blame that on not having a new stadium or owner.

PR: Oh and we really shouldn’t gloss over the Tony Batista return from Japan but… well… we need something to talk about in the preview.

ED: TRADES!!! The Phillies trade P Vicente Padilla to the Rangers for the ol' PTBNL. The Dodgers trade OF Milton Bradley and INF Antonio Perez to the A's for OF Andre Ethier. The Diamondbacks trade P Javier Vazquez to the White Sox for P's Orlando Hernandez and Luis Vizcaino and OF Chris Young.  The Marlins trade P Ron Villone to the Yankees for P Ben Julianel.

BB: Ron Villone? Kyle Farnsworth? Oh man. The Yankees section of the preview is writing itself. TRUST!!!

PR: Clearly, Joe Torre didn’t call them.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Devil Rays assistant GM Bart Braun is arrested for DUI. Former Orioles P Sidney Ponson gets 5 days in jail for his August DUI.  

BB: Can you blame him? Either of them?

PR: So it took them ~4 months to build a big enough cell to fit Ponson?

SOCCER
BB: Roy Keane signs with Celtic after all.

PR: Poor poor Real Madrid. For who will they ever be able to spend their money on.

BB: Liverpool loses the World Club Championship 1-0 to Sao Paulo despite having an absurd amount of shots on goal. Peter Crouch scores twice in the semifinals, though, leading to many-many “BIG IN JAPAN” jokes.

OTHER
ED: Hey! The Ti-Cats hire Joe Paopao as their offensive coordinator! Awesome! At least one of my football teams appears a little less clueless.

PR: I get the feeling that even the Paopao family wasn’t as excited as Ed.

ED: Tim Montgomery is suspended two years from international track competitions for blood doping and his BALCO association. Montgomery then retires and claims innocence.  Right.  Yep.  Uh-huh.

PR: NASCAR signs a new TV deal with ABC and ESPN thus insuring that it will be on every station and still not be able to beat football.