The Week That Was 12/20/04 -12/26/04
NFL
ED: Former Eagles, Packers and Panthers Pro Bowler
Reggie White dead at 43.
PR: So my first thought was “Wow, Reggie White
died?” My second thought was “Okay, so does Bruce Smith have to jump onto the
actual casket or can he just flop down on the grave to be credited with a half
a sack?”
ED:
Yeah. The guy complaining about
his kid not being born yet makes with that joke. I ain’t standing
‘round you when it’s lightning.
BB: Neither is Ron Dixon.
ED: Your weekly cripple list: Eagles WR Terrell
Owens (out for the rest of the year with a broken leg - Ray Lewis and his posse
still without alibis), Bears LB Brian Urlacher (out
for the rest of the season with a bad hammy), 49ers QB Tim Rattay
(out for the rest of the season with a bad foot), Titans RB Chris Brown (out
for the rest of the season with turf toe), Packers WR Robert Ferguson (out at
least a week with head and neck injuries after taking a lariat from Jags S
Donovan Darius), Giants LB Barrett Green (out for the rest of the season with a
bad knee), Giants DE Reagan Upshaw (out for the season with a broken hand),
Seahawks DT Marcus Tubbs (out for the rest of the season with a sprained
ankle), Bears S Cameron Worrell (out for the season with a bad ankle), 49ers DE
Andre Carter (out for the rest of the season with a bad back), 49ers LB Jamie Winborn (out for the rest of the season with a broken
shoulder blade), Bucs S Jermaine
Phillips (out for the rest of the year with a broken arm), Raiders RB Tyrone
Wheatley (out at least a week with a bad hammy), Bengals
RB Chris Perry (out for the rest of the year with a hernia), Bills RB Travis
Henry (out at least a week with a bad ankle), Cardinals CB Renaldo Hill (out at
least a week with a bad back), Bears RB Bryan Johnson (out for the rest of the
season with a foot injury), Cowboys LB Al Singleton (out for the rest of the
season to get his groin and abdomen right), Vikings RB Ontarrio
Smith (out at least a week with an undisclosed illness), Chiefs DE Vonnie Holliday (out for the rest of the season to get his
groin right), Bengals QB Carson Palmer (out at least
another week with a bad knee), Jaguars RB Fred Taylor (out at least a week with
a bad knee), Chiefs WR Johnnie Morton (out at least a week with a bad knee),
Chiefs RB Derrick Blaylock (out at lest a week with a bad knee), Raiders RB
Tyrone Wheatley (out for the rest of the season with a bad hamstring), Giants
DT Norman Hand (out for the rest of the season to get his groin right),
Patriots RB Kevin Faulk (out at least a week with a bad knee), Patriots WR
Bethel Johnson (out at least a week with a bad thigh), Chargers WR Keenan McCardell (out at least a week with a bad hamstring), Colts
TE Marcus Pollard (out at least a week with a bad ankle), Steelers RB Duce
Staley (out at least a week with a bad hamstring), Falcons QB Michael Vick (out
at least a week with a sore shoulder), Falcons TE Alge
Crumpler (out at least a week with a bad knee),
BB: Some weeks I think – why does Ed do all
that? It’s gotta be difficult to read, and with much
less work, he could just cut and paste the official NFL injury report, or just
link to the ESPN infirmary thing. But then I read and I realize – it’s all in
the groin jokes. Ah, Corey Dillon.
PR: How the f did Reagan Upshaw break his hand?
Did he even play a down? Did Accorsi give up five
draft picks for him? Oh and that there were so many groin injuries and none of
them were Fred Taylor’s is a little unsettling.
ED: Jaguars S Donovan Darius fined $75K for clotheslining Packers WR Robert Ferguson in their Week 15
game. Just to clarify, that's $75K for a vicious clothesline and $5K for
punching someone in the jimmy. Now you know.
PR: I would also like to point out (if this
hasn’t already been mentioned in a previous week) that it cost the same to
punch someone in the jimmy as it does to wear the wrong color socks.
ED: That
was a couple weeks ago, Phil. Thanks for
noticing. Now we’re even for me never
remembering the sex of your kid.
ED: Pro Bowl rosters announced this week. You
know the routine - the usual suspects get a free trip to Hawaii even though
none of them will actually play in a game no one will watch. Yeah. THAT Pro Bowl.
PR: You mean the same one that people will go
“Hey, so and so made 5 pro bowls. He should be in the Hall of Fame and Art Monk
shouldn’t”? That one?
ED: The
one where Kordell Stewart kept calling Melissa Stark,
“Man.” Yeah. That one.
BB: I love when people get angry about someone
making it or not making it to the Pro Bowl. Who cares? You know what – after
Robert Edwards’, NO ONE should want to go to the rookie game, and if you’re
playing in the actual Pro Bowl, it’s hot and damp and no one is watching and
you’re just doing it to fill out the string anyway. If it were up to me the Pro
Bowl would be more like, say….I dunno.
Let’s just stick everyone in a club and see who the last person to get out
alive/without a confirmed rape/without passing out drunk/high/low would be.
Maybe we give $100,000 to the winner. That should attract, oh, every NFL
player.
ED: The Falcons give QB Michael Vick a ten-year
$100 million dollar contract extension. Paging Akbar.
BB: Oh, Michael Vick at 33. You will be fun.
PR: I am sure he will still have like 99 speed
in Madden. Grr....
ED: The Colts and the city of Indianapolis come
to terms on a proposal to build a $500 million dollar stadium. I
really-really-really hope the Mayflower Moving Van company can buy the naming
rights.
BB: Apparently the new stadium has better
footing on the sidelines, so that Dwight Freeney will
be able to get to the quarterback faster. Apparently the most circuitous route
to the passer is two laps around the stadium, jumping over a running back,
(what was with the run on players jumping over other players on Friday and
Saturday?) and tripping the quarterback. Don’t run that draw. No sir.
PR: Who are you to doubt a PRO
BOWLER~!!!!!!!!?
ED: Raiders CB Charles Woodson and S Marques
Anderson arrested for public intoxication. Yes. I have no idea how Sebastian Janikowski was not involved in this either.
PR: I’m just guessing here but it could be that
he was too busy with a deportation hearing.
ED: Sadly, you are probably correct, Phil. 5 YEAR EXTENSION!
BB: You have to wonder if Charles Woodson wrote
SHUTDOWN CORNER as his occupation. You have to wonder if the opposite applies
and if Koren Robinson had to write down his true
occupation it would be SHUTDOWN OFFENSE.
ED: Former Raiders C Barret
Robbins arrested for assaulting a security guard at a San Francisco night club.
Yeah, I take it he's vying for a comeback.
BB: At least he’s moving up in stuff quality –
San Francisco probably beats Tijuana. But what do I know?
PR: Aww... there was
a lot of fantasy AND Super Bowl bitterness in those last few lines. It would
have gotten really ugly if Ed had brought up Kerry Collins.
ED: Grrrr.
ED: The Miami Dolphins hire LSU's
Nick Saban as their new head coach. Yeah. College coach. Dolphins. Uh-huh.
This will be pretty.
BB: They might as well have hired Tim Floyd. Or me. Probably me instead of Tim Floyd.
ED: The Cardinals give S Adrian Wilson a
five-year contract extension. Yes. It's a slow news week. Why do you ask?
BB: Really, it’s shocking that signing a Super
Bowl MVP to play safety didn’t work out for them.
PR: Did Dennis Green make him the starting QB
yet?
ED: Finishing off Week 15 - Golden Boy Tom
Brady does all he can to throw away a Patriots win -
and the Dolphins actually take advantage of ol'
fumble fingers' mistakes, 29-28. Poor li'l
tucker.
BB: I felt so bad that I immediately went and
bought $300 worth of clothes from the Gap.
Week 16 Recap
ED: Christmas Eve saw the Packers win the NFC
North title by sneaking out a late win over the Vikings, 34-31. So much for the
Vikings owning Favre in the Homer Dome, I
guess.
BB: And Mike Tice celebrated by getting a
contract extension. Ah, mediocrity. You must be rewarded.
PR: God, I am so going to love Minnesota even
more if Mike Martz gets canned.
ED: For Christmas we got a sloppy
Raiders-Chiefs tilt that KC pulled out late, 31-30. Merry Friggin' Christmas to you, too.
BB: Whenever I watched this game the one thing
I noticed was that the Oakland DL did what could charitably be described as a
pass graze – but somehow they ended up with multiple sacks. Bizarre.
I would rather have gotten Robosapien than watched
this entire game.
PR: I am sure that 4 Robosapiens
could have yielded less points than what either team
was doing. Of course, unless the Robosapiens
were being controlled by Ray Rhodes.
ED: Is
now the time when I should reveal that I thought Bill was referring to Todd Marinovich with all the Robosapien
jokes? Sure. Why not.
ED: Denver and the Tennessee stank out any
visions of sugar plums in a Bronco 37-16 win on Christmas night.
BB: God does Tennessee make me regret watching
football whenever I see them play. I would rather have waited in line to return
Robosapien than watched this game.
ED: Peyton Manning throws TD's
#48 and 49 to lead the Colts past the Chargers in OT, 34-31. I was touched by
Marino's bitchiness about Manning's short TD passes in the pre-game show. C'mon
Dan, show some class. Sure, Manning may have broken your record, but you've got
all those Super Bowl ri-- Right. OK. Never
mind.
PR: At least Dan still gets those Ace Ventura
royalty checks.
ED: Kitna-mania! Runs wild as the Bengals come back late
to kill off the Giants' weak playoff chances, 23-22. Bill and Phil look
merely to this being one week away from the end of the Ron Dayne
era.
BB: I saw Ron Dayne
play both special teams and make a laughable attempt at a blitz pickup in this
game. That was enough of the Ron Dayne era for me.
This game was absolutely unbearable. I’d rather have been mounted and raped by Robosapien than watched this game.
PR: I am wondering if the Giants employed Robosapiens on their OL, how long would it be before one
was called for holding? Okay, I am officially off
message.
ED: The Lions show that they are 1000%
heterosexual in beating the Bears, 19-13. I'm certain that impressed all 12 of
the people who suffered through this crap-fest.
BB: Why did Charles Rogers have to make me look
dumb? Why can’t I just be left to do it on my own?
ED: Jack Del Rio shows how much he learned from
Dennis Green, as the Jags playoff push is derailed by the Texans, 21-0. Aww.
BB: If the Jaguars had kept Hugh Douglas, this
never would have happened. Ah, preview jokes.
ED: Speaking of pathetic playoff pushes, the Saints
continue to stay barely alive in the NFC wild card race by beating down a
Vick-less Falcons, 26-13. Jim Haslett now takes his house off the market.
BB: What a gutty,
gutsy, gritty performance by the embattled Saints against…a Falcons team that
could care less. I’d like to announce that I’m going to be representing 1,200
fantasy owners in a class-action lawsuit against Michael Vick for not playing
in Week 16 and causing fantasy teams all across the nation to lose their
starting quarterback and best player in what’s often used as the Championship
Week. Ah, fantasy football.
PR: It also takes away you complaining about
how our championship game was always in Week 17. That was always fun. Mind you,
I should have ended this year’s season in like Week 3. The three of us should
probably not play fantasy football anymore. Stupid sports.
ED: Pittsburgh whomps
on the Ravens, 20-7. Steelers-Ravens. Yeesh.
Now there's a time, place and situation where nuke-testing is highly
advisable.
BB: Sadly Ben Roethlisberger
was only mildly harmed in the process of playing the game. Ugh.
PR: Big Ben’s injury just
lead to more JEROME BETTIS GREATEST RUNNING BACK SINCE JIM BROWN! stories. I await the Bettis and
Barry Sanders are #1 and #2 in running back greatest feature that will
seriously make me climb a clock tower. Poor Earl Campbell.
ED: I
will supply the ammo. Oh yes. I will.
ED: Hi! I am Shawn Springs! I am a scab to be
picked at! Please, Vinny Testaverde!
Please expose me! Cowboys 13 - Redskins 10.
PR: Oh no – that was all Sean Taylor SUPER
ROOKIE~! (if you ignore the multiple personal foul
penalties and getting exploited for two straight weeks)
ED: Meh. Whatever. Springs
didn’t help matters any. But mostly, I just wanted to dig at the total
uselessness that is Shawn Springs before he’s out of the league. We’ll have plenty of time to poop on Sean
Taylor.
BB: Now this, I’d rather be in the middle of a bukkake session surrounded by Robosapiens
than watch all the way through.
ED: Hi! We're the Jets! The NFL's fake parity
gave us a 9th place schedule that we'll exploit to get us one playoff game
before we're exposed by a real team! Thank you, Paul Tagliabue!
Patriots 23 - Jets 7.
BB: I like the Jets more than you do. They’ve
played a lot of good teams very close and lost. Sure, they will lose in the
playoffs. But, I mean – who would you rather see? The Broncos? The Bills? Come
on.
PR: I am too angry about my son not being born
yet to mock Ed for mock the Jets. And the fact that Ed COMPLETELY glossed over
the Chad Pennington v. NY sportswriters storyline from the week. I mean
Pennington berating someone like Mark Cannizzaro so
makes Chad my favorite QB in the history of NY QBs.
ED: Why
do you hate Joe Namath, Phil? Why?
ED: Hi! We're the Carolina Panthers! We should
have been eliminated from the playoff hunt months ago. But the NFC is full of
horribly wretched teams so...here we are. We would also like to thank Paul Tagliabue for the NFL's fake parity! Panthers
37 - Bucs 20.
BB: Again, the Saints? THE
RAMS? Go Panthers.
PR: Ed’s just pissed because this is ruining
all his Panther jokes from earlier this year.
ED: I
can never be angry at the Panthers considering they gave the Raiders a mercy win this year.
ED: Hi! We're the Buffalo Bills! Ditto. Bills 41 - 49ers 7.
BB: Oh..I’m
out of teams to make fun of.
ED: Hi! We're the Seattle Seahawks. Get over
us. Seahawks 24 - Cardinals 21.
BB: I really really really really really
wanted the Cardinals to win this game. So much so that I almost volunteered my
services to go play quarterback for them and actually give them someone who can
read a defense.
PR: If Denny Green hadn’t so enraged the NFL
Gods with his comical handling of the QBs earlier
this year – the Cards so would have won this game and it would have erased
EVERY horrible thing the Giants have tormented me with this year. I would have
been more excited about the Cards Week 17 game then potentially any game in the
last 18 months.
ED: Hi! We're the Browns and the Dolphins! We
played on ESPN in Prime Time Sunday night! Did you see us? Anyone?
Anyone? Yeah. We didn't think so. Dolphins 10 - Browns
7.
BB: I’d rather spend the day with Curt
Schilling than watch this game. And there’s nothing worse than that.
PR: Spending a day with Curt Schilling in a
cyber cafe watching him post on SOSH would probably the worst scenario for that
day.
MLB
ED: Ex-Orioles and Rangers manager Johnny Oates
dead at 58 after a long struggle with a brain tumor.
BB: There are so many people I want that brain tumor
to struggle with now.
ED: FA signing wackiness includes - the Rangers
re-signing OF David Dellucci to a two-year contract,
the Dodgers re-signing P Wilson Alvarez to a two-year contract, the Nationals
re-signing P Joey Eischen to a one-year contract, the
Reds signing P Kent Mercker to a two-year deal, the Phillies signing P Aaron Fultz for a year, the Indians
re-signing Ronnie Belliard for a year, the Orioles
signing P Steve Kline for two years, the Angels going with PLAN A~! Orlando
Cabrera for four years, the Dodgers picking up SS/3B Jose Valentin
for a year, the Orioles picking up P Bruce Chen again, the Reds burning money
on the corpse of 3B Joe Randa for a year, the Yankees
re-signing P Tanyon Sturtze,
the Indians signing P Jason Bere to a minor league
deal, OF J.D. Drew getting five years of DL pay from the Dodgers, the Mets
signing old guy Anders Galarraga to a minor league
deal, the Red Sox signing P Wade Miller for a year, the Cardinals signing P
Mike Myers for a year, the White Sox signing P Orlando Hernandez for two years,
the Padres signing OF Mark Sweeney for a year, the Marlins signing P John Riedling for a year, the Devil Rays signing DH Josh Phelps
for a year, the Giants signing The Clear Moises Alou for two years, the Rockies signing IF Desi Relaford for a year, the
Cardinals signing SuperScrappy David Eckstein for
three years, the Red Sox signing THE GREATEST CATCHER
EEEEEEVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRR!!!!! Jason Varitek
for four years, the Royals contracting a case of P Jose Lima for a year.
BB: So what happened? Did Josh Phelps like lose
a leg and I didn’t hear about it? Were the Blue Jays and Indians that desperate
to get rid of him? Did he have sex with Jose Lima’s wife? Did he have sex with
Jose Lima? And yes – thank god the Red Sox signed Jason Varitek
because after all, what would they possibly have done without the man who
turned their season around?? Ugh.
PR: Aww... half
writing FA Recap. One of these years, when I read Kent Mercker
I would think Kent Tekulve. And sadly – if Jason Bere makes the big league club, I will probably drunkenly
draft him. Maybe Wilson Alvarez too.
ED: Player cut/not receiving arbitration offers
this week include: P Wade Miller (see above), SCRAPPY~! David
Eckstein (see above), OF Dustan Mohr, IF Cody Ransom, P Wayne Franklin (who
re-signed with the Giants), P Scott Schoeneweis, IF Alex Cora, 3B Eric Munson,
P Orber Moreno (who then re-signed with the Mets).
BB: God that would be one ugly team.
PR: Hasn’t the Munson family suffered enough? I
mean it’s bad enough that my sister stalks them.
ED: And
Phil said he mailed this in.
ED: Dumb/Useless trades include - the Padres
sending OF Jay Payton, IF Ramon Vazquez and a minor league arm to the Red Sox
for SB~! Dave Roberts; the Mariners sending P Aaron Taylor to
the
BB: That trade also came with a little under $3
million in cash which is a lot to give for Ludacris.
ED: Baseball in DC? Yeah, that's on again after
DC Council offers a new plan to fund a new stadium for the Nats.
As a token of appreciation, the Nats roll out the
most boring uniforms ever.
BB: Maybe they don’t want Nick Johnson to
suffer any eye injuries.
PR: The more I think about it Wil Cordero playing in Southwest DC is about as perfect as
perfect gets. Do you think part of the deal with MLB and the city is a clause
where MLB forces DC to drain the Anacostia River once
a month to find any missing bodies? What? I am just curious.
ED: That much talked about
Yankees-Dodgers-D-Backs deal for Randy Johnson? Oh, that's deader than John
Edwards' political career.
BB: B….but…he’s so haaaaandsome!!
And that John Edwards guy is a looker too.
ED: The average baseball salary dropped for
only the third time in recorded history. See, this wouldn't happen if baseball
had a salary ca-- Oh. Yeah.
ED: The Red Sox name THE GREATEST CATCHER
EEEEEEVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRR!!!!! Jason Varitek captain
after he re-signs with the club. Gee, what a step down. I thought he was
God.
BB: I sure am happy that the Red Sox top
position prospects are a shortstop and a catcher, and they drafted a shortstop
in the first round of the draft, and they signed a shortstop and a catcher to
long-term contracts this offseason. Ah, planning.
PR: Bill, Bill, Bill. They plan on making lots
and lots of trades. Because they still have to be like the Yanks. I await the
Kevin Youkilis/Hanley Ramirez for Jason Grimsley trade. MIDDLE RELIEF!
ED: The Indians extended the contract of GM
Mark Shapiro for two years. Hey, he did let Vizquel
go. That alone has to be worth one year of the extension.
BB: But if he signs Barry Larkin, does that
take a year away?
ED:
No. But if he
were to pick up Sean Casey in the same deal…
ED: Mets OF Mike Cameron is expected to swing
and miss the start of the season after having surgery on his left wrist. In
honor of doing the surgery on Mike Cameron, his surgeon swung and missed three
times while attempting to cut on him.
BB: Hehehehehehe.
NBA
ED: Shaq v. Kobe!
Kobe v. Shaq! Pacers v. Pistons II! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod!!! Yeah, ESPN getting the NBA is sooooooo easily the worst thing to ever happen to
sports.
BB: ESPN getting the NBA is sooooooo easily the worst thing to ever happen to
sports.
PR: How do they have time to show sports with
all those 3 DVD commericals?
ED: Reports from a Seattle newspaper indicate
that former-Raptors and current-Nets IL All-Star Vince Carter told opposing
Sonic players of a play the Raptors were going to run. C'mon, this is the NBA!
When was the last time you saw a team run a play properly?
PR: When was the last time you saw a team play
defense properly?
ED: De-fense?
BB: It’s ok – Vince told them in Canadian so
they didn’t understand, anyway.
ED: Miami Heat owner Micky
Arison claims the team is losing money despite the
presence of Shaquille O'Neal and Dwayne Wade. Yeah. Right.
BB: You would think the A Different World
crossover audience would bring enough money on its own.
PR: Maybe they need to sign Jasmine Guy to be a
cheerleader.
ED: More Brawl Fall-Out - A Pistons fan who was
charged with trespassing during the Pistons-Pacers files suit against the
Indiana Pacers, Jermaine O'Neal and Anthony Johnson.
And further on with the Brawl stuff, a Federal Judge upheld an arbitrator's
decision to cut the suspension length of Pacers F Jermaine
O'Neal from 25 to 15 games. Now, let us never speak of this Brawl again,
OK?
BB: Until someone gets the Ron Artest audio feed, I am not talking about this. Yes, I know
it wasn’t anything good. But someone just make something up that IS good to
make me happy.
PR: Oh just play the feed from the special when
Artest was a rookie and he was with his mom and
talking about how great it was that his mom had come to live with him during
his rookie year.
ED: Pistons coach Larry Brown fined $15K for
verbally abusing a referee. See, if he had just taken the ref into the stands
and started beating on hi-- Aww, crap!
BB: He should’ve just kicked him in the jimmy 3
times.
SOCCER
BB: Arjen Robben is really, really good. Mido
is crazy.
PR: Several members of AC Milan affected by
tidal wave disaster. Sadly, Shevchenko was not there
to hold back the tides or part the waters.
PR: Fernando Clavijo
was named the new head coach of the Colorado Rapids. I was more convinced that Clavijo was going to be one of the scab USNT members. I
guess he could still be.
PR: Landon Donovan and Abby Wambach
won the U.S. Soccer national player awards for 2004. The sex tape featuring
them and Paige Davis doesn’t exist, at least, as far as I know.
NCAA
ED: Vanderbilt RB Kwane
Doster shot to death at 21 when someone fired into a
parked car he was in.
ED: The AP tells the NCAA to stop using its
poll as part of their selection process for the BCS football title picture.
Yeah, like that will force them to…I don't know…go with a playoff or something.
PR: BLUE RIBBON COMMITTEE!!!
ED: Pitt hires Dave Wannstedt
as their new head football coach. Well, at least in college he won't have to
worry about his annual December collapse.
BB: OK – so let’s get this straight. Dave Wannstedt resigns/gets fired by the Dolphins. He says he’s
going to work on TV. He also says he’s DEFINITELY DEFINITELY
not gonna coach Pittsburgh. A week later…right.
ED: Ohio State QB Troy Smith suspended from the
team's bowl game for violating school and NCAA rules. You know, getting
suspended for violating rules from Thug U Midwest, is kinda
like getting kicked off the Def Jam comedy tour for swearing too much.
BB: There is nothing more annoying than people
saying THE Ohio State University when they mention where they play on Monday
Night Football. Except for Curt Schilling. Or Robosapien.
PR: I started ranting about this in the car the
other day due to the usual horrific DC driver who had an OSU bumper sticker.
And my wife was like “Well, you went to THE American University”. And I
couldn’t argue... mainly because I value my life. That ruined my day.
ED: In a made-for-ESPN event, top recruit
Derrick Williams announces he will attend Penn State next year. Obviously, that
means I will never hear from him again until he's a first round flop in the
NFL.
BB: You sure this wasn’t like some sort of
comedy sketch?
PR: Thank God the Washington Post articles are
done with... for now. Of course, I fully expected a story a day or two later about
how exploited High School athletes were. I am thinking the holidays prevented
this.
ED: Tim Floyd takes the USC head basketball
coaching job pending the New Orleans Hornets letting him out of the remainder
of his contract. Oh no, I'm certain the Hornets would just love to continue
paying a guy they fired in May.
NHL
ED: Todd Bertuzzi
pleads guilty to assault charges for his mauling of Steve Moore and gets a
year's probation and 80 hours of community service. See, if he had just raped a
woman or stabbed a guy to death...never mind.
BB: He should’ve just kicked him in the jimmy
for $5K.
ED: The NHL board of governors set January 14 as the meeting
date for when they will likely Kevorkian the faint hopes of this season. Yeah.
I know. I'm just reporting it.