The Week That Was 9/4 - 9/10/04

ED: Football drains us so.

PR: No, we didn’t mail this in. Not at all.

BB: It's okay I am carrying us this week.

MLB

ED: Braves 103 year-old SS Rafeal Furcal arrested on a DUI charge. Well, that explains Furcal's erratic fielding, anyway.

PR: Poor little probation violation. I have a feeling though that Furcal probably has documents that could get him charged as a minor.

BB: And that'll get him to juve where he can hang out with…oh, I don't know. Is Danny Almonte in juve yet? …still?

ED: Hurricane Frances wipes out a whole bunch of games in Florida and throughout the east coast. The Yankees and Devil Rays futility attempt to play a Labor Day DH'er that was not to be. Rescheduling of games too farcical to go into. Yeah, Bud Selig's in charge of this league. Why do you ask?

PR: My favorite part of all this was the great saga of Aubrey Huff being trapped at his house. I laughed at this for some reason and probably too hard too.

BB: What are you going to loot out of Aubrey Huff's house? No one wants Devil Rays accoutrements. Game-used merchandise…you could probably just buy it off of his back as he leaves the stadium and remark to your friends – "Hey! This is Aubrey Huff's! Smell the authentic stench!" I think honestly if I went to go loot Aubrey Huff's house the first thing I would go to is the refrigerator.

PR: Speaking of the Devil Rays, they released 1B Randall Simon as they released “Hey, this guy wasn’t good enough to play for the Pirates!” Baltimore will most likely sign him in their efforts to not have to pay Rafael Palmeiro his bonus money.

ED: Personally, I really-really-really hope he signs with Milwaukee. But I am a sad man.

BB: Using the patented Veteran Presence PROPER TEAM FINDER algorithm I find that Randall Simon's perfect fit is…Texas. Yeah, that seems right. They scores a 78 on the 100 point scale – not incredibly hot, but still pretty well suited for someone of Simon's skill set and temperament. 100 out of 100 is whenever the Blazers draft a guy of questionable character, anytime somebody commits a felony in the NFL and the Raiders need a guy at that position, and the Devils with Miroslav Satan.

ED: Hot-hot-hot. The Red Sox continue to play lights-out baseball, putting even more heat on the Yankees and pretty much ending the AL wild card race. The Astros come out of nowhere to put heat on every other team in the NL wild card race. The Marlins keep pace by not losing when not counting the rain drops.

PR: The Marlins having to play games at U.S. Cellular Field (Man, what a stupid name) is grand. I love that MLB was like “Hmm… we had to take home games away from the Expos because they don’t draw anything. HEY! We should try home games with a random club there. Nah, that is too crazy even for us.”

BB: I still miss the "Put the Expos in Fenway Park!" idea. Man – that would've been great. I think I would've been the only season ticket holder and you would've gotten 81 running diaries out of it, poor little reader.

ED: Yeah. I should have put that in the hurricane weirdness section. Aww, Bud Selig hates on the Marlins now. I guess that's because Jeffrey Loria hasn't torched the area yet.

PR: Speaking of the Marlins, they activated Wil Cordero from the DL. Thousands upon thousands of Florida women reported fleeing the area. Sure, Hurricane, right.

ED: He's just trying to mentor Ramon Castro, Phil. MENTOR!

BB: Jeff Conine scores a 49 but because he scores a 2 for the Orioles and a 1 for every other team in baseball, he remains a Marlin. Mmm….278/.335/.422 from a left fielder who's locked in this year and next for $3 million per.

ED: The Royals put up 26 runs in the first game of a double header against the Tigers, then got shut out in the second. Well, the season will be over soon, Royals fans.

PR: I probably should see what Rob and Rany have to say about all this.

BB: I'm sure they can tell me that they hate Allard Baird but then Prospectus can talk about how much they love him and then I can get confused by the sabermetric party lines. OBP! FIELDING! JEREMY GIAMBI! POKEY REESE! Oh, make up your mind Theo so I can make mine up, too.

ED: The Tribune Company is suing a former newspaper carrier for $26K. The reason? The carrier, named Mark Guthrie, got the paychecks of former Cubs pitcher Mark Guthrie. And I was always against direct deposit. I need to see if I can get an account at Ed Asner's bank.

PR: Well, Guthrie did always kinda pitch like he was throwing a newspaper.

BB: I am thinking the newspaper carrier's "Um…you guys messed up, too bad" strategy isn't going to work out so well.

ED: Oh, and Jason Giambi is doing SQUAT for my Clippers in the IL playoffs. Thanks a lot, Phil.

PR: Would you prefer Tony Clark? Drew Henson perhaps?

ED: Umm...OK. Never mind.

BB: Fernando Segui…sorry Ed. My bad.

PR: Orioles closer Jorge Julio was suspended for four games for throwing a pitch that almost hit Minnesota’s Augie Ojeda in the head. Clearly, no one in the MLB office has watched Julio pitched as if they did they would realize that he is just that wild.

BB: Jorge Julio…Yankees MVP for the past week.

PR: Brandon Larson got demoted… again.

BB: AND non-tendered. Mmmm…someone ran out of money for their "contact lenses".

NFL

ED: FINAL CUTS! If you think we'll list them all, you underestimate just how lazy we are. Among the notable - Morten Anderson (who then signed with the Vikings), Mikhael Ricks, Dorsey Levens, Bob Whitfield, Jason Gildon, Terrance Shaw, Rabih Abdullah, Aaron Elling, Aaron Boone (Really. Honest. Sure, it's not the same person, but I just wanted to put that there for Bill), Brock Forsey, Darnell Sanders (aww, Ohio State TE's), Matt Bryant (again), Byron Chamberlain, Bradlee Van Pelt, Tim Couch, Kenny Holmes, Ran Carthon (Phil weeps), Steve Christie, Antonio Freeman, Clint Stoerner, Fred Russell, Derek Ross, Terrell Buckley, Jerry Fontenot, Lamar Smith, Jason Doering, Ricky Ray (who was then signed to the Jets practice squad because, you know, Quincy Carter is that damn good), Ken-Yon Rambo (hehehehehehe), Dwayne Rudd, Kevin Dyson, Kwamie Lassiter, Taco Wallace (long may you ride, Taco!), Brandon Bennett, Jarrett Payton, Fred Baxter, Regan Upshaw.

BB: QB: Tim Couch, Ricky Ray

HB: Lamar Smith, Brock Forsey, Brandon Bennett

FB: Jarrett Payton

Malcontent Running Back: Dorsey Levens

WR: Antonio Freeman, Ken-Yon Rambo, Kevin Dyson, Taco Wallace

TE: Byron Chamberlain, Fred Baxter, Mikhael Ricks

OL: Bob Whitfield, Jerry Fontenot…Couch can scramble

Would this really be that much worse of an offense than some NFL teams? (Hint: The Dolphins) (Hint: the Chargers if Tomlinson gets hurt) The best part is I formulated my offensive line the same way the Giants did. Wheeeeeeee!

ED: The Patriots and Colts started things off Thursday night. I'm certain the pregame BLOWOUT~! featured many a bad music performance that could have been saved with a few nipple slips. But I didn't watch it, so that's just a guess.

PR: It was fun, ABC spent the entire game talking about how Mike Vanderjagt was so amazing and how he could cure the sick and heal the lame. And then he blows the field goal at the end. I enjoyed the booking of that angle.

BB: See – if you had watched the pre-game show – you'd have heard Justin Timberlake sing to the SUPER KICKER – "Gonna miss a field goal by the end of this game".

ED: Oncoming Hurricane Ivan moved the Titans-Miami game from Sunday to Saturday. As if Florida citizens haven't suffered enough. I mean, about having to watch the Dolphins get drilled by the Titans. But the three hurricanes in a month has to suck too.

PR: Well, at least this can get the suffering over quicker. The folks of Miami will only have to suffer through 15 more games and 19 more QB changes.

BB: First the MTV Awards, the Marlins, now this…

ED: I serve up the softball - Jason Sehorn failed his physical, nullifying his deal with the Rams. I will now duck.

PR: This just gives him more time to stump for the President and round up more people for that bizarre cult he is in. I would say that he could help Angie count all that Cody Banks money, but that can’t take that long.

BB: Who's Cody Banks? Oddly enough I sense that he rates a 33 as a member of the 1983 Cowboys.

ED: Titans K Joe Nedney is out for the season again with a hammy injury. Gary Anderson was signed as Nedney's replacement. Aww.

PR: Well, actually, they signed Aaron Elling to handle the kickoffs for the week. That still doesn’t absolve Ed from drafting Elling after he had been cut by the Vikings.

ED: Stupid football.

BB: Ah, CC. The jokes go on and on and on and on and on.

ED: The Rams traded RB Lamar Gordon to the Dolphins for a third-round pick. Well, credit one to Mike Martz.

PR: I wonder if St. Louis had sent over Chuck Lamar whether anyone on the Dolphins would have realized it.

PR: The Jets signed CB Terrell Buckley to replace Ray Mickens who is out of the season after tearing his ACL. This was done because all teams need someone to get flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct.

BB: Where was Buckley in the fourth quarter of that Giants-Niners game when we needed him?

ED: The Eagles extended the contract of head coach Andy Reid through 2010. Fans of all other NFC East teams rejoice.

PR: There is no rejoicing for me in the NFC East. Grr…

CFL

ED: August players of the month - Offensive: BC QB Casey Printers (who still isn't hurt. Stupid CFL site.), Defensive: Calgary LB John Grace, Lineman: Toronto DE Eric England, Special Teams: Winnipeg KR Keith Stokes. Ricky Ray welcomes them all to the NFL next year.

ED: Week 12 Recap:

ED: Montreal held off Ottawa 23-16 thanks to a 4th quarter blocked punt. Ahh, special teams.

ED: Kevin Glenn got sweet revenge against Saskatchewan as Winnipeg put down the Roughriders 17-4. Yeah, that's an ugly score no matter what the game is.

ED: Jason Maas-mania ran wild as Edmonton whipped Calgary 25-7. Mike Pringle update: 3 TD's and 116 yards away from making Canada forget about George Reed. That's what, one Ottawa game away?

ED: And Toronto and Hamilton kissed their sisters on LaboUr Day, 30-30.

BB: Ties? In Football? What?

SOCCER

PR: This was World Cup Qualifying week as about every nation played a game. The United States rose to the top of the Group One table in CONCACAF with a 2-0 win over El Salvador and then pulling another last minute escape on the road in tying Panama 1-1 on Wednesday. Mexico won their first game in qualifying. Meanwhile, Costa Rica dug itself a hole by losing its first two games (it finally got three points by beating Canada 1-0 in its third game). No, I am not gloating.

BB: BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FORTRESS?!?!?!? Apparently the only team that gets antsy about playing in Costa Rica is the US. Not because we play defensively or anything and don't put anyone up front. Nope – because it's just too scary.

PR: In Europe, someone forgot to tell Greece that winning Euro 2004 didn’t clinch them a spot in the 06 World Cup. Greece lost to Albania and played a scoreless draw against Turkey. Spain drew with Bosnia of all nations. Sweden had a very up and down week – crushing Malta 7-0 and then not scoring a goal in losing to Croatia. England, who choked away a 2-0 lead and escaped with a draw against Austria, got three full points from downing Poland.

BB: Sweden apparently big Kansas City Royals fans. I await Rob & Rany & Sverige next year.

PR: Brazil is atop the CONMEBOL table after a win over the bottom-feeding Bolivian squad. Meanwhile, Colombia and Chile played the angriest game of the year so far with a whooping four players sent off (two from each side). No word on anyone being shot yet.

BB: I think Colombia…you can probably assume someone got shot and if no one says they did – they are lying to look tough.

PR: Over in Asia, Japan and China each won a match to remain atop their respective tables. Iraq won again, smacking around Chinese Taipei again. (combined score of the two games between the sides – 10-2). Still, I am still trying to wrap my head around Iraq and Palestine being in the same Group. That is… interesting.

BB: That is…a security risk.

NBA

ED: The Basketball HOF inducted new members in Clyde "The Glide" Drexler, Bill Sharman, Maurice Stokes, Lynette Woodard, Jerry Colangelo (aww) and Drazen Dalipagic. Yeah, it's a slow news period.

PR: I should have left in Ed typing Clyde as Clyfe. That amused me to no end.

BB: Or Glide as Glyde.

ED: The LAPD announced that Gary Payton was arrested for investigation of DUI on August 28. Aww, he wants an NFL gig.

PR: Did he convince the Celtics or Lakers (or whoever actually has his rights now) to trade him to Portland? Oh like, you didn’t see that coming.

BB: 93 on the 100 point scale.

ED: DREAM TEAMER DOWN! Christian Laettner was waived by Golden State. Well, I didn't say it was one of the good or famous ones.

BB: Lemme see…white guy…past glory…can kinda shoot…CELTICS! 74.

HOCKEY

ED: The World Cup of Hockey goes something like Olympic basketball as the United States entry fails miserably. Youth of Canadia jazzed.

PR: At least the US wasn’t the favorite to win the whole thing. And I really don’t want to see the weird Wayne Gretzky victory dance thingy again.

BB: I enjoy the Wayne Gretzky-secretly-hates-America storyline but that is only me.

OTHER

PR: In another game delayed because of the Hurricanes in Florida, Florida State choked away another game to Miami, this one in OT. Chris Rix and Brock Berlin did not set the world on fire.

BB: Well at least he is still friends with Carrot Top. There is always that.

ED: Tiger Woods lost his number one golfer in the world ranking after Vijay Singh wins some tournament I don't care about. Matter of fact, I don't even care about this story. I just wanted to feed Bill or Phil a joke about Tiger's hot fiancee.

PR: She’s not Amy Mickelson so I don’t care.

BB: Ed is kind but I am uninterested too. Let's just say…somehow…Tiger Woods…Yankees…94. You can see it. You know you can see it.

ED: The U.S. Open of tennis continues on. Serena Williams was jobbed. I couldn't care less.

PR: I did forget to mention that Todd Martin retired after his first round loss. That was many a Davis Cup team carried for Todd. Long may you ride and get you some young, Russian action.

BB: I love Todd Martin's role in tennis – not really so good when it comes to actual events or anything, but the bizarro guy who loves to play in all the random team events that no one cares about, as well as the Olympics, a little-known random team event that no one cares about unless the people are really small. I will miss Todd Martin and with him goes a little bit more of the interest in tennis I didn't have.