The Week That Was
(1/8/07 - 1/14/07)

ED: Jammin’ with Bronson Arroyo, bitches!

NFL
ED: The Pro Football Hall of Fame finalist list is down to 17 now. Oooo, Ray Guy makes me feel all tingly in a special place.

PR: Aww.. you are going to hate football a little more again. Especially after Michael Irvin and Tags get elected. Stupid Hall of Fame.fa

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Saints sign K Bill Cundiff.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Chargers TE Ryan Krause is busted for DUI. Bears DT Tank Johnson pleads not guilty to weapons charges. Patriots STRAIGHT!!!!! Junior Seau is being sued by a couple of San Diego LADIES!!!! after he allegedly threw drinks on them in a San Diego bar.

ED: OH NO!!! TO fired his publicist! Who will induce vomiting now?

ED: The Giants give a one year contract extension to head coach Tom Coughlin and replace GM Ernie Accorsi with Jerry Reese. Well, we know who induces vomiting for Phil and Bill anyway.

MM: Awwww, announcing you hired an African-American general manager on MLK Day. Next, Tara Reid flashes her bunny on Easter.

PR: I still enjoy that basically all the stories were like “ERINE ACORSI LIKES BLACK PEOPLE!!! HE IS A SAINT!”.

ED: And some more teams axe some more coaches and replace them with other people who you know you really don’t care about. Though Tim Lewis taking the fall for the Giants problems is giggle-inducing.

MM: You're not good enough to teach Mathias Kiwanuka, but Wayne Huizenga will still charter a plane to talk to you about coaching in South Beach.

PR: Aww... would Jason Taylor approve of it? Did Lewis fail a drug test that I missed?

ED: Oh, OK. More Giants fun – Giants DE Michael Strahan is ordered to pay his ex-wife $15.3 million as part of their divorce settlement. That’s what – a million for every inch his front teeth are gapped?

MM: The pre-nup Strahan drew up gave his wife half of all assests. Dang. The going rate of beards in the NFL is HIGH.

PR: Poor poor shame marriage. Of course – all the paparazzi where still stalking the Kidds, thus making getting to work troublesome.

ED: And I bring more love to my fellow VP’ers – the Cards hire Ken Whisenhunt as their new head coach. Ooooo, I can see Marc falling in love with TRICK PLAYS!!!!

MM: One candidate nurtured 45 Heisman trophy winners and 56 first round draft picks, single-handedly kick started Vince Young's career and jump started Travis Henry's, won in Provo, Raliegh, Pasedena, and Nashville. The other wants Marcus Randle-El in round 3 of the 2008 NFL Draft for double-reverse throwing downfield to 56 year old Edgerrin James. PLAYOFFS!!!

ED: God, NFL cures the insomnia this weekend – the Colts bring oodles of CLUTCH FIELD GOALS!!!! to top the Ravens, 15-6.

JS: I think even Vanderjagt would’ve won that game. Poor poor crushed collective Baltimore psyche.

ED: To cap off Saturday night, the Saints hold off the Eagles, 27-24. So, honestly, how long are we supposed to feel sorry for the city of New Orleans? I mean, is there some sort of time frame? If so, when will it expire? Because, god knows, I know plenty of Ohio cities worse off than New Orleans.

JS: Yeah, but when it’s an Act of God we feel worse. Cleveland has nobody to blame but itself. And honestly—I find the Saints hype much more bearable than the residual “BEARS ARE THE GREATEST TEAM EVER!!!! URLACHER!!!!!” stuff from earlier in the season. (It helps that they’re the only team left with nobody I find hateable. Bears? Check. Pats? With Belichick and his kids on the sideline? Check. Colts? Peyton? Big big check.)

MM: Naww, Fox should show Spike Lee's joint about the Katrina (non)clean-up to lead the NFC Championship Game instead of Curt Menafee. Then, show stills of soup kitchens and shelters throughout the game so even Jim Belushi burns his Butkus throwback in solidarity for the VICTIMS like...Sean Peyton. And Drew Brees. Poor Deuce.

PR: I will say this – I spent the weekend explaining to various family members that I refused to root for the Saints due to mainly everyone telling that I had to. Of course – that leaves me with the fact that the only team left that I can sorta kinda stomach is the Colts. So basically I need another one of those games with Peyton is poopy but the team still manages to win. Stupid

NFL
ED: We will take the ball and we will sco—Oops. Wrong OT playoff game loss. Bears 27, Seahawks 24 in OT.

JS: The postgame interviews were the kicker and somebody on the defense. If the Bears win the Superbowl you know they aren’t asking Rex if he’s going to Disneyworld (and even Trent freaking Dilfer got asked that.)

ED: Oh, Marty. You are too beautiful for this world. Pats 24, Chargers 21.

JS: The only truly bad Marty decision I noticed was the challenge on the interception/fumble/recovery. But in a game that came down to “whoever screws up less wins” (Brady was playing like a Hasselbeck) it was enough to push the Patriots over the top.

NCAA
ED: And now the mass exodus to the NFL begins. Players struggle to hurt themselves and get fat before the combines to avoid getting drafted by the Raiders. Stupid life. JS: Did that Florida win happen this week? It did! Poor unhyped championship game.

MM: Ted Ginn thinks draftniks flipped over to BBC America after his kickoff return versus UF. "They were watching 'Footballer's Wives', my stock's NEVER BEEN HIGHER!" And the impending brutalization of Adrian Peterson's jaw in training camp by Brandon Jacobs is the second-most waited for moment in my NFL offseason, behind Suzy's draft day outfit.

PR: Ginn’s comical injury didn’t even make it out of January for comical injury of the year as Tony Allen’s is far far more amusing to me.

JS: Greg Archuleta of the Albuquerque Journal was the only AP voter who put Boise State in first place, by the way. I can understand there not being more voters who broke that way, but I can’t figure out the many, many voters who still had Ohio State number two.

MM: 2007 PRESEASON TOP 5 -- 5. Rutgers 4. Michigan 3. Texas 2. California 1. West Virginia

SOCCER
JS: BECKHAM! TO THE GALAXY! 250 MILLION (INCLUDING ENDORSEMENTS)! Boy, somebody’s going to be surprised when they find out American consumers don’t buy things because David Beckham thinks they should. (That someone probably has also never heard his amazingly squeaky voice. He looks like he should sound like Pierce Brosnan but David Hyde Pierce has a manlier aspect.)

PR: MLS IS SO HUGE THAT WHO GOT THE FIRST ESPN INTERVIEW WITH BECKHAM??? COLD PIZZA!!! THAT’S RIGHT!!! WHO ARE YOU TO DOUBT MARK SHAPIRO!!!!

JS: Gawd…I haven’t checked in on Europe in a while. Lessee….Buccaneers United are only rivaled by Chelsea in the EPL, Lyon and Celtic have run away with their leagues (Ligue 1 has an English site now, by the way, which is amazing; not the site itself but the fact that it exists), and I can’t pretend to care about Spain and Italy. Only the beloved BUNDESLIGA! remains competitive, with Werder, Schalke, Bayern and Stuttgart all around the top. No wonder Germany is the only Euro-country where the NFL’s caught on.

PR: Well Jose Mourinho may or may not being leaving Chelsea and it is all Shevchenko’s fault. I volunteer to comfort him.

PR: And since it is January – a big batch of other folks are going to and fro.

NBA
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! Philadelphia releases TIME OUT CALLA!!! Chris Webber, who then promptly signs with Detroit. Denver trades G Earl Boykins and G/F Julius Hodge to the Bucks for G Steve Blake.

JS: Poor li’l Earl—I got the feeling George Karl wanted to keep him around, plus his numbers were up while playing with Iverson.

JS: Oh—and I am loving the Gilbert Arenas era. Just wanted to throw that out there.

PR: Figures that after I leave DC – the Wizards become really interesting. Though... I could see them play the Nets. That is a lot closer but I would lose the opportunity to see Isiah.

NHL
JS: DEVILS! FIRST PLACE! And honestly, tribal/regional concerns seem to be the extent of our hockey fandom.

PR: Stupid Rangers.

MLB
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The A’s sign SCRAP!!!! Lou Merloni. The Mets re-sign P Duaner Sanchez and sign P Scott Schoeneweis. The Rockies sign C Javy Lopez. The Twins sign DREAMY!!!!! Randy Choate. The Blue Jays sign P John Thomson. Giants P Tim Worrell retires. The Reds pick up IF Jeff Keppinger from the Royals for P Russ Haltiwanger. The Cardinals re-sign CRIPPLE!!! Mark Mulder and OF? Rick Ankiel and sign P? Ryan Franklin and IF Jolbert Cabrera. The Nats sign P’s Jerome Williams and Brandon Claussen. The Astros sign OF Richard Hidalgo. The O’s trade P Rodrigo Lopez to the Rockies for P’s Jim Miller and Jason Burch. The Cubs sign IF Tomas Perez. The Royals sign SS Alex Gonzalez. The Marlins sign P Felix Rodriguez. The Brewers sign P R.A. Dickey. The Padres sign P? Shawn Estes and C? Todd Green.

ED: Cal Ripken Jr and Tony Gwynn are elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame. One saved baseball; the other saved many fast food franchises. Or not. Whatever.

PR: I do hope Billy Ripken charges the podium and starts yelling “WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT BILLY!?!?!?”

ED: The Dodgers announce they will make their right field pavilion an all-you-can-eat section where people can gorge on hot dogs and nachos. Tony Gwynn will not be given admission to said pavilion even with his lifetime pass.

PR: I really really like Tony Gwynn. Yes, he has reached Joe Morris proportions but I still like him.

ED: Giants OF Barry Bonds may have failed a drug test. No-no. Not the one you’re thinking of. Bonds allegedly failed a test for amphetamines…and promptly throws Mark Sweeney under the barcalounger. Or not. Depending on whom you believe.

ED: Jeff Nelson signs a minor league deal with the Yankees…then retires. TRUE YANKEE!!!! Oh yeah, you know Phil’s nightmares are going to include the Yankees talking him out of retirement…where he throws like Eli Manning or something.

PR: Did Eli try to sell his bone chips on Ebay too?

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Marlins P Dontrelle Willis pleads not guilty to DUI charges.

OTHER
ED: Mike Tyson is indicted on DUI and drug possession charges. Yep, that pic of Tyson with Strawberry and Gooden just gets better and better through the years.

JS: Michelle Wie fails to make a cut yet again, with a 16-year-old (male—this still her quixotic male tournament quest) making it ahead of her. Time to let the dream die, B.J.